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Screw you, Disney.

mssinglemama — Sun, 15 Jun 2008 03:21:02 +0000

Benjamin and I went to his best friend’s birthday party today.

After Sydney, who’s just four-years-old, opened her fourth princess doll, her grandmother looked at me and said, “When we were girls, we didn’t have all of this princess stuff. Look it’s every where – this idea that some man is going to come kiss you and everything will be fine! The happy ending! Yeah right. What are you girls going to do?”

What she meant was – how in the hell will we ever be able to get this out of our heads?

Here’s one way to do it. Be a single mom for a day. Or a month, or two years.

You’ll quickly be brushing prince charmings aside for a man who is responsible, kind, compassionate and yes, sexy. And they do exist. They’re real men. But they’re not going to come kiss us and make it all better. We realize this.

Don’t we? I hope you do. That will make it easier … I promise. One foot in front of the other my lovelies.

Back Up Posts

Single Moms and the Men Who Love Us

Want Men to Start Falling From the Sky?

Prince Charming Can Kiss My Ass

Who needs a husband anyway?

mssinglemama — Sun, 08 Jun 2008 03:09:59 +0000

The Census Bureau reports that half of the 60 million American women who are 45 and older are single.

In his News Day article, Peter Jackson writes that while many of the women are divorced or widowed others are “single by design.” He cites The New Single Woman, a book by E. Kay Trimberger, a professor emeritus of Women’s and Gender Studies at Sonoma State University in California.

Here’s a snippet from the article I found on SingleEdition.com:

She interviewed dozens of single women between the ages of 30 and 60 and found that most of them were leading happy and fulfilled lives. In many cases, they had been building a strong foundation that was not based on someday finding a partner.
“These women were doing all the things that were setting themselves up for a satisfying life,” Trimberger says. She says the older women seemed especially content. Some of the younger women were still wrestling with concerns about whether to have children.

No mention of single moms, but I’m sure the book addresses us …

We’ve already got the kids…so, if we are able to financially support ourselves and our kids – why should we bother getting married again? I know there are so many of us single moms struggling financially but there are more and more women who are able to provide for their families solo. Historically speaking, it’s a first.

And as part of this, living it on the front lines, I find it fascinating.

In the past single moms have been cast aside, forgotten or ignored … but now there are more of us than ever and we are creating warm, nurturing, stable homes for our little ones – all on our own. And, yes, while the ideal “family unit” includes a mother and a father who love and respect each other – I do not believe that, if I stay single forever, Benjamin will be at a disadvantage or as some have put it, “messed up”.

Read this comment left by Chem under my post, Want Men to Start Falling From the Sky?:

My parents were married for a few years. Most of my childhood was myself and three other siblings being raised by a single mother.
For years I drew my strength from my single mother, who put us four girls through college and graduate school. I saw myself as invincible, if she could do it alone with the four of us….I could do anything.

P.S. If you do need tips on becoming financially independent visit Fabulous Financials, an amazing blog by a single mom.

If you like this post here are some more on this topic:

Will our kids be worse off?

I love being a single mom

Married people are weird

[Photo Credit: Bangkok Counseling]

Boys vs. Men

mssinglemama — Wed, 04 Jun 2008 02:09:49 +0000

There are men, and then there are boys…

This weekend two boys (who shall remain unnamed) where sitting in my kitchen. I was hosting a mini after hours thing. So, I popped a pizza in the oven.

“I’m running outside, keep an eye on the pizza, okay?”

“What? What are we supposed to look for?” one of them asked.

I ignored it, assuming he was joking. Five minutes later I walked back inside and the oven was smoking. I flipped out. One thing about being a single mom with zero interest in boys…you don’t give a damn if they think you’re “uncool” or “bitchy” – especially if it’s late at night and you’ve had a few shots of tequila.

“What’s wrong with you guys? You seriously don’t know how to cook a frozen pizza?!!!”

Did they jump up to grab the pizza? No. They sat there defending themselves…they didn’t jump until the fire alarm went off – and even then, I had to tell them to go turn it off. Unbelievable.

These two boys are clearly far from becoming men, but that doesn’t mean they’re necessarily immature. Maturity is something that’s hard to put a finger on … and no matter what a boy or man’s age, his maturity level can run the gamut. The true measure of a man’s maturity is how he treats you, not whether or not he knows how to cook frozen pizza.

Enter Larry Bilotta’s Male Maturity Scale, he sent it to me after discovering my blog through the post, “Should I Leave My Husband?”. Usually reserved for married women trying to find out what makes their husband’s tick, Larry realized how useful this scale can be for dating single moms.

Here’s how it works – have four women, your friends, your family or even your guy’s ex-wife or girlfriend rate him on this scale. Why? Because your view could be clouded if you’re too close to him.

–The Male Maturity Scale by Larry Bilotta –

Baby Man

He wants his own way all of the time. You owe him his happiness. He owes you nothing. It all revovles around him. He’s obsessed with himself.

Kid Man

He can be nice sometimes but when bad feelings stroke, he can’t fight them off and becomes selfish, nasty and demanding. He may even give you the silent treatment.

Teen Man

He knows what’s right and wrong in a relationship but he can be swayed from doing what he knows he ought to do. The more bad feelings you have, the more bad feelings he gets.

Young Man

He wants to do the right thing for you most of the time but a nasty comment can get away from him now and then. He does apologize since he knows when he strayed from his promises.

Together Man

He loves you, is considerate of your feelings and your security. He thinks about what’s important to you above the demands of the rest of the world. It’s rare when he gets self centered but it does happen.

Mature Man

He’s strong in the issues of family. A man of steel who will defend you against all comers, yet a man of velvet who is considerate, thoughtful, great with kids and keeps his bad feelings under control. Never arrogant, always fun and a great listener who is easy to love

———————–

I’m thinking the Mature Man sounds ideal for us single moms … but what are the odds of finding a Mature Man who isn’t already snatched? Hmmm… let me know what you think – leave your comments and dish some dirt on your men or ex-men.

Larry is reading and will be available to give you one-on-one responses or if you’d like to contact him personally visit, Marriage Success Secrets.com.

[Photo Credit: The Sewing Bird]

Man up fellas…why? Because you’re the man, damn it.

How to Date a Single Mom, Part 3

mssinglemama — Thu, 29 May 2008 13:41:20 +0000

Thomas, aka “the Dane”, started reading this blog long before his visit. And this morning, I found this in my inbox – a guest blog entry from Thomas on his experience with Benjamin and I.

For the men, this is the perfect addition to my series on How to Date a Single Mom. And for the single moms, here is proof that not all men run away screaming at the idea of dating a single mom (why? because we rock and so do our kids).

Here’s Thomas’ version of our long weekend:

Stepping out of the car in front of the house Benjamin came running towards me, “Daddy!, Daddy!”

Ed note: Benjamin calls every man “Daddy”

You can probably imagine my surprise. Being called “Daddy” by a boy you haven’t seen before – sounds actually like a nightmare. But it took a lot of pressure off of my shoulders. I didn’t have to worry about whether Benjamin would like me or not – a major concern of mine before coming. Instead I dropped my bags and started playing with him. This was followed by the warm welcome by Alaina whom I hadn’t seen in seven years.

However, she came in second at this point! And this turned out to be the same way I was going to feel during the next five days. Benjamin was of course the number one priority. I had never experienced this before, so it took me a little while to get used to – being left in the middle of a conversation, a movie or something else because of a cry or an unusual sound from upstairs. This was perhaps the biggest challenge during my visit. Accepting to be second.

It was also difficult for me to know when Benjamin had crossed the line. We all have our different ideas of how to raise a kid and I had to find hers. This meant that I had a hard time knowing when to react on his cries and when not to.

These things aside, the five days were great. I loved being part of a family. I loved being able to spoil a mom by helping out around the house, cooking and by going shopping so she could have some more time with Benjamin.

Seeing her face light up with appreciation was the best and it showed me that it is still true that helping others make you happy and that the little things really do matter!

Being part of this family was addictive, though, and it was very difficult leaving. So now I can’t wait until I once again step out of a car – somewhere in this world – and have a little kid run towards me crying “Daddy!, Daddy!”

Now, how sweet is that? Can’t wait to see you in August Thomas! And if you missed the others…

How to Date a Single Mom, Part 1

How to Date a Single Mom, Part 2

How to Date a Single Mom, Part 4

[Photo: Thomas and Benjamin enjoying the sunny deck at Grandma's]

Fast Forward a few months … and read about my trip to visit Thomas.

Copenhagen or Bust!

mssinglemama — Mon, 26 May 2008 02:41:38 +0000

I bought a ticket to Denmark.

I know what you’re thinking. She’s lost her mind! She’s wrapped up in a torrid love affair with the Dane!

My little brother called me when he found out, “Alaina? You’re flying to Denmark? So you’re really serious with this guy, huh?”

There was an obvious hint of concern in his voice, rightly so. I have a reputation for “losing it” over men. I did marry Benjamin’s father just because he needed a Green Card, we were in love – hence the child – but still, it was “crazy.” I did have a tendency to go crazy over men, but now as a single mom, falling in love just isn’t the same. And I’m not falling in love with Thomas…I can’t! He lives an ocean away… but I can visit him. Besides, it’s been years since I’ve had the chance to go to Europe.

So here’s the skinny on the Dane and why he’s worthy of a visit.

Aside from my friend Mia and her daughter Sydney (who calls herself Benjamin’s sister) we have no one in our lives on a regular basis. I have quite a few amazing friends and a very supportive mother, but when it comes to the daily grind – Benjamin and I are completely alone.

Thomas and I had reconnected through Facebook recently and when he told me he was coming through to visit our college town – where we’d met and dated 8 years ago – I offered up my guest bedroom and my services as hostess.

I remembered Thomas as being completely open, honest, fun and of course, incredibly attractive … but how would he handle five days with a single mom and her two year old? I was a bit nervous as his arrival loomed. Personally, I think Benjamin and I are a blast, but not all men see it that way. What if it would be awkward? What if he didn’t like kids?

But it wasn’t awkward at all. It was amazing.

He immediately bonded with Benjamin, the two loved each other
He woke up with Benjamin every morning he was here, giving me a chance to sleep in! A miracle!
He ran grocery errands.
Cooked dinner for me (the first time a man’s made me dinner in oh – at least two years).
I had mentioned that I loved European chocolates, so he found some and surprised me with them later.
He gave me compliments – lots of compliments.
He asked me questions and waited for the answers
And above all, he understood that Benjamin comes first.

These weren’t cheesy attempts at winning my heart, they were just natural gestures of affection and consideration. I didn’t have to ask him for help – he just did it.

So for five days, Benjamin and his mommy were spoiled rotten.

There’s this little thing about being a single mom though – after you get used to doing it all on your own 99.9% of the time, help can be a mixed blessing. Once it’s gone, you have to adapt all over again. Fortunately, in this case, the spoilage only lasted five days. Keep in mind, the guy was trapped with us, all of my ex-boyfriends have had limited face time with Benjamin, which meant limited chances for me to “get used to help.” I do this for a few reasons, the first to protect Benjamin and the second to protect myself. But in the case of a house guest – what are you going to do? Hide him in the closet?

The night Thomas left Benjamin and I were cleaning the car. The traces of our marvelous weekend were tucked in pockets and under the car seats. The New York Times from the bookstore, Benjamin’s soccer ball we’d brought on our hike and the sunscreen lotion from the music festival.

Then, with my hands clutching memories that I knew would fade too quickly, the tears started to fall. He was just so fantastic, such great company and such a supportive friend. And there we were – my little Benjamin and I – completely alone again.

And now you know why it took me so long to write about all of this.

Thomas reminded me that truly compassionate, considerate and affectionate men do exist. And there was romance - but it the kind of romance two people have when there is a profound and mutual respect for each other, not a ripping each other’s clothes off romance. Like Kate Hudson (my hero single mom) has said, “When you’re a single mom, dating becomes very adult.”

You didn’t think this single mama would give up her fabulous singleness that easily, did you?

Now, if Thomas lived in my zip code – might be a different story.

UPDATE: A few days after writing this post, Thomas wrote about the experience through his eyes, read it here.

UPDATE II: See how the trip went.

[Photo Credit: Kwintessential.co.uk]

Via Text: Wanna Go Out?

mssinglemama — Sat, 10 May 2008 02:12:03 +0000

When did men start asking women out with a text message?

I got married in 2004 and divorced in 2007. In 2004, men definitely didn’t do this.

Text Case #1:

Subject: A guy who asked me out at a bar. We had a brief text exchange the next morning.

My Text: Thanks for your number. Had fun playing pool!

His Text: And just think how much fun it would have been had you won a game!

My Text: Yeah, really! What’s your e-mail?

No response. My friend and I concluded it must have been my asking for his e-mail. “That’s weird,” she said. Clearly I don’t know text rules. Clearly.

Five days later he sends me another one.

His Text: Any plans tonight?

My Text: Nope, just staying in.

His Text: Yeah, probably the same thing for me.

I haven’t responded.

Text Case #2

Subject: A guy I’d dated for a few weeks, but it sunk quickly and we hadn’t talked in three weeks.

Text: Wanna discuss and give it another try?

I nearly dropped my Corona onto the bar floor. I was out…it was a Friday night. It had taken me weeks to get over this guy and here he was TEXTING me a request to talk it through.

My Text: Who are you?

I’d deleted his number. This was a mean joke on my part.

His Text: It’s (insert name here)

My Text: No, I can’t.

Five months later.

His Text: Wanna wrestle?

My Text: Hell no! I have a boyfriend.

Sigh. I just don’t get it. Where is Cary Grant when you need him?

Photo Credit and Caption: Cary Grant and Rosiland Russell in His Girl Friday (1940)

Did I lose my Mr. Good Enough?

mssinglemama — Wed, 07 May 2008 13:33:54 +0000

I’m a dating single mom. It’s hard. Very hard. The dating part. The single mom part, not so bad. You get used to it. You adapt and pretty soon, you can’t imagine life any other way. But the dating part – it can be a drag.

I am not in urgent need of a man to “save me.” It would be welcome, but it does me no good to pine for someone to sweep in and make my life easier. It took one year for me to come to peace with this. One year to suck it up and get over the fact that I’m on my own.

This weekend I was pondering my break up with Kris. And then I read Lori Gottlieb’s now famed “Marry Him!” article. I’d read it before, but this time instead of boiling over with rage I could see some of her points.

If you missed it, she’s a single mom (thanks to a sperm donor) and has never been married. She’s also in her mid-30′s and believes that single women and single moms need to start settling for Mr. Good Enough instead of waiting around for Mr. Perfect. And, according to Gottlieb, if any woman tells you she doesn’t want a man she’s lying to you and to herself.

Okay. That’s the part that makes my blood boil.

First of all, she may be a single mom, but she’s never been married to a guy who turns into a jerk. And yes, Lori, there are nice Mr. Good Enough’s who can turn into monsters too. It’s this idea – that to be happy as a single mom, I should be married – that infuriates me. It reinforces the stereotype that just because I’m single and with child – that I must be miserable and desperate for a husband.

But here are some of Gottlieb’s points I agree with:

Men are not perfect. We can’t expect them to be perfect, flawless beings who adore and fawn over us like Queens. I get that.

The pickings are slim. As we age, the selection of good guys left does diminish. After 35, the men big on commitment and starting a family have been snapped up. Do their wives appreciate them? That’s a different story all together.

Single moms have new priorities. When you’re a dating single mom your standards are different. You’re now looking for the perfect partner – not the perfect man. Which is why, when we do find one, we treat him like gold and appreciate him despite his flaws.

So, thanks to Lori’s article, all weekend I was freaking out thinking … “Oh my god, what if I lost my Mr. Good Enough?” So much so that I broke down and called Kris – “was it me? Did I drive you away? Was I a horrible girlfriend?”

“No,” he said sweetly, “no, not at all, why would you think that? We are just at such different places right now.”

And then it dawned on me. I didn’t lose my Mr. Good Enough…we lost each other – because neither one of us was ready to take the plunge, dive off of that cliff and just commit. Which means, that Lori Gottlieb can husband shop all she wants, but this single mom is not ready for one again.

But, if I do meet someone who wants to grab my hand and pull me off of that cliff – I might reconsider. In otherwords, I may be a single mom but I still need the sparks and there’s no way I’m settling.

What do you think about settling? Do you feel like you’re desperate to find someone new – or a new husband?

[Image credit - pulled directly from Gottlieb's article, here.]

MySpace and Facebook Ex Purge

mssinglemama — Thu, 01 May 2008 18:58:34 +0000

I did it.

Just deleted several ex-boyfriends from my Facebook and MySpace pages. Felt wonderful! I highly recommend it. Now I can’t see them … and they can’t see me. There are a few reasons for this sudden decision, but to spare anyone’s feelings I won’t write about them.

All I can say is that … there are some guys who are earning the purple octopus label. There are others, who are fighting a valiant fight, defying the odds and making me scratch my head wondering when their purple octopus eyes will pop out.

There is hope.

In the meantime – WATCH THIS!!! A video on what Facebook or MySpace chatter would be like in real life.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=nrlSkU0TFLs

Here’s the original article.

Read my past post on Do You Keep Up with Your Ex on MySpace or Facebook for more virtual love fun.

Men. Shopping. And FREE stuff (from under my couch).

mssinglemama — Thu, 01 May 2008 03:44:21 +0000

Benjamin has been at my mom’s for three days now. I’ve been so busy…having fun! Lots of it.

Shopping

Tonight I worked late to catch up on some big projects, then popped into Ann Taylor Loft and found quite a few treasures on the sales rack. Two super cute summer tops, a necklace and a belt!

Men

Then I headed to the coffee shop. For the past few weeks Benjamin and I keep bumping into this guy. We’re usually in a hurry but there’s always quick small talk. Tonight, I’m a childless mama … so we could actually talk. I pay for my coffee and then see him … I fill my coffee with creamer and sugar and then just do it – I just walked right up and said, “Hi!”

Immediately we were chatting it up and then he asked me to sit down. We talked for about 45 minutes. It was like a spontaneous mini-date. Will it ever be a real date? Who knows. I’m indifferent. And honestly, after our mini-date, not sure if I want a real one. (Purple Octopuses).

That’s the funny thing about asking men out or just walking up and talking to them. You might find that your “crush” really isn’t that crush worthy. Then you don’t waste time wondering about him. Would you rather have the wax ripped off in one quick flick or would you rather it slowly pulled, piece by piece?

Approach men and you find out if there’s potential…quickly. And either way – whether it’s you or him doing the quick rip – at least you know. I prefer the quick rip: less painful in the long run.

Life is too short. Seriously.

FREE Stuff

Speaking of life being too short. I have so much to do! And without Benjamin here I can stay up later and sleep in a little later. Tonight I got on a cleaning kick, a much overdue cleaning kick. Look what I scrounged out from under our living room chair.

Wonder how all of this got here? Hmmm… could it have been a little two-year-old with a funny sense of humor, or a mom shoving it under the chair in hurried preparation for dates or sitters? I honestly couldn’t tell you – but there it is. A bunch of forgotten toys and gizmos, oh, and a shoe!

This little pile has inspired a contest, my first contest! So you better play. And it’s easy. Here goes…

MSM Contest: What’s Under Your Couch??

Look under your couch right now. Tell me about something you’ve found. I’ll pick a winner for each of the following categories:

1. Cutest

2. Funniest

3. Grossest

And

4. Best in Show

The Prize

Something in this pile. The four winners each get to pick a prize from the pile! As you can see there’s lots of good stuff in this pile. A baby music toy, a Leap Frog pad, an empty Thomas DVD case, a little fire truck, an outlet extension thing…and some markers.

Or, you can waive on something from the pile and I’ll send you a mystery item (probably from some other pile I find under something else, or maybe it will be a really cool book…you’ll have to find out).

Now go look under your couch…and may the best man or woman win.

You’re a single mom?!!!

mssinglemama — Sun, 27 Apr 2008 04:04:16 +0000

I love seeing the look on men’s faces when I say, “Okay. You have to leave now.” or “It’s 11:00 o’clock! Holy crap. You’ve got to go. I need to sleep.”

Hilarious.

We say “I’m a single mom.”

They try to digest it. Think they can. Get over it.

And then when that moment comes. The moment when you absolutely must sleep because you have to wake up at the crack of dawn…99.9% of them just stare with a blank face.

All dating rules they’d ever known are thrown out the door. Because they’re looking into the face of a very attractive, strong and sexy woman who has one mission – and that mission does not involve them.