My aunt and I were talking on the phone about my French-Canadian fiance.

We would be getting married in her back yard in just a few days. I was frantically planning the wedding so we could beat an INS deadline to kick him out of the country.

“So, do you have that feeling?” she asked. “You know how people say ‘when you know, you know.’ Do you have it?”

“No, I don’t. It’s not there. Is that bad?”

“Oh, I’m sure it’s fine. You know you want to be with him, right?”

“Yeah. And that’s crazy anyway? It’s all a risk, a leap of faith, how can you just know?”

I was 25-years-old and I was really good at talking myself into things.

After we took our vows we were standing in a dark corner of my aunt’s gorgeous yard, the laughter of my friends and family echoing, me in my wedding dress and him wearing one of my father’s old suits.

It had been a last minute adjustment. My mom had hated his rental tux so she found one of dad’s suits for him to wear. I clung to that for the two years we were together, thinking that it was a sign from my father that we should be together.

But here in the darkness I looked at my new husband and suddenly felt like I’d just jumped off of a cliff with him.

“Well, this is it. We’re in this together now.”

I expected him to hold me tight and tell me how wonderful it would be, something to that effect but we both stood there shuffling our feet not quite sure what to say or do. And it was then that I knew something was off, very off.

Given the struggles I’ve overcome since that day, I can’t help but lay the cards of my past next to those of my future and try to compare then and now. But this time when I see the two side by side there is nothing to compare.

This time I know. I am not looking for signs because I don’t need them.

“Have you ever loved anyone as much as you love him,” my little sister asked. My touchstone for just about everything, Anna and I are only one year apart but she’s way ahead of me in the love department, having met her husband years ago.

“No, not like this before,” I answered.

“Woah.” She paused and then, “Now, don’t all of those old relationships seem like a huge waste of time?”

“Yeah but I’m still glad I had them. I knew that if he ever came the rest would have just been entertaining me along the way.”

“Yeah, I guess you’re right. You never really liked any of those guys anyway.”

Nope. I didn’t. Not like this one. Not even close.

Your comments to my Dark Side post have been so insightful and humbling.

Thank you so much, from the bottom of my heart. Seriously. I couldn’t have asked for better advice. I’m taking it all in and your words will always be echoing in my mind, helping me see how wonderful this relationship thing can be, especially if you’ve found the right person.

[Photos: See pictures from last night's Clippers baseball game in Huntington Park, aka this week's date night.]

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I looked up at my little sister. I had my wedding dress bunched up around my thighs and I was squatting on the toilet in my aunt’s house.

“Don’t ever do this,” I said.

Getting married, the actual wedding part, was painful for me.

Maybe it was because I was marrying the wrong man or maybe it’s because I planned my wedding in three days (a must to meet my French Canadian boyfriend’s expiration date for his time in the US.)

I was only 25-years-old. One year later I would be pregnant at just 26-years-old and wishing I had never done what I was about to do.

“Ever,” I said sternly.

She looked at me with her mouth gaping and nodded.

Inseparable when we were younger and only one year apart, I often call my little sister my soul mate. Destined to be together, cast here in tandem to be friends for life, we often take each other’s words as gospel.

Fortunately she didn’t listen to me and two years later I was standing beside her, looking on as her bridesmaid, listening to her nervous breaths and seeing the tears in her husband’s eyes as they exchanged their vows on the steps of a hallowed building on the campus of the University of Virginia where the two had met.

Anna and Ryan, have been in love since they met. Anna used to sneak away from a night with her friends to surprise Ryan in his dorm room, just a few doors down from Edgar Allen Poe’s room.

When the walls of my marriage started crumbling I called Anna more than anyone.

“It just shouldn’t be that hard Alaina, you should just love each other,” she would tell me over and over again.

Like this… it should be like this -

—–

I have four weddings to go to this summer. Four.

Weddings are usually a blur of bad music, bad food and lots of confused driving to and from – all to watch a couple make the most solemn of vows which makes me feel a bit uncomfortable, like a voyeur or something.

I hate weddings. I do. I do. So that’s why I’m surprising myself because I’m actually excited about each and every one of these weddings. Just thinking about them all gives me butterflies in my stomach. Happy little love butterflies.

I’m becoming a ball of cheese.

Just roll me up and send me on my way. But before that, let me explain…

The first is this weekend. The Bear is taking me to his cousin’s wedding. I don’t know his cousin or anyone in the Bear’s family but I can’t wait . We’re going to have a blast because we’ll be together and I get to meet his family – the people who had a hand in molding him into the awesome, pure man he is today.

The second wedding is next weekend in Lexington, Kentucky where Morgan (aka Modern Single Momma) will become Modern Married Momma. Look out for her live Skype Bachelorette Party on Thursday night featuring Miss Ive. I may or may not be there depending on whether or not I can find a sitter for Benjamin. But I’ll definitely be there for the ceremony.

The third is my littlest brother’s this August and finally in September my best friend, a former single mom herself, is going to re-marry her ex-husband. I’ll save those stories for later…

Right now – tell me yours… leave a story about your wedding, a good memory, a bad memory – did you know it was right? or wrong?

Everyone who leaves a comment will be entered to win one of five copies of the Successful Single Mom by Honoree Corpron. She’s been happily married for one year now but Honoree is still tireless in her desire to empower single moms.

Can’t wait to be a guest on her new radio talk show just for single moms. Check that out here.

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