by mssinglemama on January 5, 2009
I’ve been caught up in life.
It happens.
But lately it hasn’t really been my life I’ve been caught up in.
—–
First there’s that Matt guy – one of the most incredible people I’ve ever met.
There’s a reason why his blog has touched the hearts of hundreds and thousands… he is the real deal – a hero in his own right. The ultimate father, the ultimate husband, the ultimate human being.
I spent Saturday night making this video… and as I dug for pictures of Liz in Matt’s Flickr account the tears welled up in my eyes, the lump in my throat. I wished I wasn’t making it at all. I wished none of us even knew him – just so he and Madeline could have her back again. Why is life so damn cruel? And why do the worst things always happen to the best people?
On Thursday night Matt and I were eating at a very odd late night cafe in Chicago.
“It won’t ever go away,” I told him, “It will just turn into this massive scar or like a third arm or something that you have to carry around all of the time. But no one else will ever be able to see it, that’s the shitty part.”
He just nodded. Those beautiful eyes of his filled with the kind of pain no one should have to feel.
Between sporadic conversations about death – a subject I’m all too familiar with – we just had fun, pure fun.
Here’s Matt and my buddy Luke in the back of Jessica’s car. A single mom’s car… we thought it was funny.
Chicago is grand. Matt is grand. And I think, on some twisted and fucked up level, we are kindred spirits. I’ve actually been quite high on that fact for a few days now.
Making new friends is a very, very good thing.
So is traveling.
And there will be more of both in the very near future.
—-
After pulling in from Chicago I spent a few hours in my apartment and then dashed over to Mia’s.
No longer playing Monopoly or roller skating in her basement, we were sitting in her very adult living room while her daughter slept upstairs talking about how in the hell she is going to get through this.
The pain Mia is experiencing is so familiar, yet so distant. Mine didn’t cheat on me but he hurt me… some men leave their women for another woman, others stay and ram it into their heads day after day. My words didn’t help much but I felt my presence would.
So I slept on her couch. [click to continue…]
by mssinglemama on April 10, 2008
After Benjamin spends 36 hours with daddy I usually spend 48 hours repairing the damage. He’s extra needy and extra disobedient.
For example, I got home from work last night. Benjamin sees me – freaks out – and won’t let go. I seriously have to pee holding him in my arms while his dad fumbles around gathering up his stuff to head back to his girlfriend’s. Same scene every single week.
“It’s okay baby, I’m here, I’m here. Let daddy hold you for a second so mommy can change.” Nope. He proceeds to hold me in a death grip until his dad leaves. Sad for daddy, but what can I do? My kid and I are inseparable…
And then it’s time for damage control. Instead of hanging around the house (that he’s been stuck in all day with dad) we hop in the car for a super fun outing … last night it was house hunting and mountain climbing.
Tonight I picked him up from day care. Happy kid for approximately 45 minutes and then it begins. Hell. Toddler – Mommy hell. He’s been with dad for two days hell.
I was having a crappy day anyway. Tired, worn out. One word – progesterone. I’m usually much more up beat during the first two weeks of my cycle. TMI guys but hey – it’s the progesterone talking – so if you don’t like it … well, piss off! And, ladies, if you don’t know the difference between progesterone and estrogen look it up. You’ll freak out and say – “Oh, that’s why I wanted to kill someone yesterday.”
Anyway, I digress. Back to Benjamin and then I’ll get to the Barnes & Noble lady. [click to continue…]
by mssinglemama on January 12, 2008
This is dedicated to every parent who hasn’t slept through the night for months and months. Until 10 days ago my 2 year old has been waking up nearly every night. I have had few all-nighters streaks but… on average he’s up at least once, maybe twice or three times a night.
Maybe I’m an idiot and every other mother knows this – but just in case I’m not -here’s how I got my toddler to sleep through the night. [click to continue…]
by mssinglemama on December 5, 2007
Benjamin is sick again! He started daycare in the early fall and this winter he keeps getting hit with sickness after sickness. That playdate I hosted turned into a big germ swap and now he has a horrible fever, night shivers, the whole nine yards. I think it’s because the other little guy at the playdate goes to a different daycare. So now he has an entirely new string of something nasty.
So this Monday I missed another day of work…I stopped counting the sick days I’ve taken so far this winter. The workaholic inside can’t digest missing so much time in the office. But I still swing into full mommy mode when he’s sick and know I have no choice but to stay home. I’m lucky though. I have an amazing job with a very understanding boss and can do much of my work from home.
What if I didn’t have a cushy job? What would I be doing right now?
One day, after a crazy night out, my friend and I popped into a Burger King for a hang over cure. It was early in the morning, maybe 9:30ish. A woman walked in with her two sons. They both ran up to the counter, “grandma! grandma!,” they shouted. Their grandmother ran around from behind the counter and scooped them both up in a hug. Thier mom stepped in, “okay boys, now sit down and be good for grandma.” The boys obeyed and took a seat in the restaurant. The mom looked at her mother, “I should be back by 1:00.” She was wearing a uniform herself, clearly off to her own job. Grandma said, “oh, it’s no problem, right Bob?” She looked at the manager of the store, he nodded in approval. Mom kissed her boys good bye and headed off to work. I thought I was going to burst into tears. The boys were swinging their little legs in their seats, twidling their fingers and starting to get ansy already. They had four hours left to go. I wanted to walk up and offer up my apartment for the afternoon. But in these moments, we usually don’t act. I didn’t. What could I have done, in reality, to help this woman? I’m not sure if she was a single mom or not, it doesn’t matter. She didn’t have a husband to save her from this moment.
I will never, ever forget seeing that and on my worst days I know that I really don’t have it that bad at all.
Sorry if this is a scattered and crazy entry. I am exhausted, have been working on projects all night. Going to crash for a bit before he wakes up again…hopefully he’ll wake up tomorrow feeling 100%. I hate seeing him sick like this.
