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There’s a man in my bed.

mssinglemama — Tue, 20 Jan 2009 00:21:47 +0000

But it’s not what you think.

I’m taking a self-imposed man break (in case you hadn’t noticed) and Benjamin has subsequently ended up in my bed. It’s a long story, read about it here – please – I really need advice on the co-sleeping thing. As single parents, I imagine, we have an entirely different take on the issue.

And I’m not sure how long it will be before I start dating again but right now I just need to chill, re-group and get ready for the next round.

—–

Not sure what is going on with Benjamin’s father.

He claims what I heard is a complete lie. But I know it can’t be. The pieces to the story, like Canada and the new car, were facts my friend had no way of knowing about. So… now I’m just waiting (as usual) and coming to terms with the fact that this entire situation is out of my control.

I’ve also put a call in to my lawyer — just to be safe.

Reality.

mssinglemama — Wed, 14 Jan 2009 05:00:11 +0000

Benjamin’s dad is buying himself a new car to replace the old one.

This is a good thing.

His old car was a pile of junk. Benjamin will be safer on his weekly voyages to his house now. But because of his car shopping (not plane ticket shopping -urgh) he couldn’t make it today. So last night when Benjamin started coughing and then spiked a fever at 1:00 a.m. I went through the “how am I going to miss another day of work” mental check list I’m all too familiar with.

This morning, Benjamin popped out of bed full of energy but still coughing. And while I spent most of the day attached to my laptop cranking out projects for work he spent his playing but not without interrupting me every five minutes.

“Mommy! Mommy! Look, look at this!”

“I know, sweetie. I see, that’s awesome – now go on back upstairs. Mommy has to work.”

I hate it. I hate that he has to interrupt me, that I can’t give him my undivided attention. At one point in the morning he refused to take no for an answer and pulled me upstairs and there on the floor was an intricate train track, wrapped around the legs of his Thomas table. It was incredible. And I had missed the entire thing.

But I don’t have a choice. Job, kid, job, kid. Job keeps kid alive. Job. Kid keeps me alive. Kid.

Guilt. It’s a bitch.

Later this afternoon we headed to the doctor, only because his cough and the fever combined threw me for a loop.

We brought Handy Manny in his cute little backpack and as soon as Doctor Man arrived Benjamin started chatting him up telling him all about Manny and his tools.

“Wow. You have quite a talker here,” Doctor Man said.

I had figured as much because he never stops talking but I don’t check up on these things. I don’t compare my child to others or read the mommy books. I’m usually just satisfied that he’s alive, eating, sleeping and abundantly happy. But, with all of this talking emerges a new reality – Mommy’s words are now, more than ever, his number one source of fresh material.

After a clean bill of health from the doctor (a minor miracle) we headed out to the parking lot where Benjamin refused to hold my hand. While I coaxed him along in the bitter cold, prodding and pleading for him to hurry up he ignored me and started dashing in circles – teasing me. Then these words flew out of my mouth, “C’mon you butt face.”

Yes. I am admitting publicly that I actually called my own child a butt face.

Believe me, I am as horrified as you are.

Or are you? Is this a carefully kept motherly secret? Do we all slip up every once in a while? Not that you all call your children a butt face, but I can’t be the only one who let’s bad names fly. Mine is probably the most embarrassing though.

Here’s my excuse.

I have five brothers and sisters. Needless to say during my childhood, the names flew as often as the punches. Butt face was one of our favorites. And I have not used that phrase since then… in fact, it’s safe to say I haven’t uttered the word butt face in over 16 years. So why the sudden resurgence?

It could be that I am an incredibly awful mother or, the more plausible, that I sometimes communicate with Benjamin like I would my younger brother. We are alone 80% of the time, the two of us. We surround ourselves with friends and family as often as possible but ultimately it’s just Benjamin and I.

A happy and sometimes grumpy little pair.

This is by far one of my greatest challenges a single parent – learning how to balance it all. To be the fun parent and the tough parent all wrapped up into one.

Until I figure that one out I think working on my mommy language is top on the list. I promise, no more butt face – but I can’t promise I won’t mumble it under my breath.

More reading.

Love at First Sight (in which I ponder the hard core reality that I may never find my “soul mate” and in which Benjamin thanks me for the sky. Check out the comments on this one – some were critical but pointed.)
Breaking points (this week’s post I wrote for WeTV.com – new material on the yucky things Benjamin does that push me over the edge).
You Complete Me – an awesome post on this very topic by Ian of Single Parent Dad

P.S.

To make up for calling him a butt face we pulled over to watch a train this afternoon… I think his obssession is growing on me. Trains are pretty cool.

Damn you, fear.

mssinglemama — Mon, 24 Nov 2008 13:29:08 +0000

It’s happening…

My relationship phobia is kicking in.

Always hits at the same time – after about one month. I start freaking out imagining this terminal diagnosis of actually being with someone indefinitely. Mr. Man has been incredibly patient -no, he has been more than patient – he has been considerate and totally understanding of my sudden mood swings and deflection of his warmth.

He calls these my “blockers” and they “scare the shit” out of him. It seems they are beyond my control. My gut is screaming at me – yelling actually – “You aren’t ready. You can’t do this because you don’t know how. Being single is much, much easier and besides men are a pain in the ass (eventually it always turns sour).” Then I act like a bitch or go cold on him.

A few nights ago, deep in freak out mode and feeling so frustrated with myself, I vented a bit to Matt Logelin. Ever since our SMW radio show together we’ve been e-mailing here and there, nurturing our virtual friendship which I can only hope becomes one in the flesh some day.

As a friend, he’s just as insightful and inspirational as he is on his blog:

Matt: How are you?
Me: I’m fine. Just trying to get my head around the idea of actually being with someone – being in a relationship again. I’m just not sure if I can handle the idea of permanency. So very scary to me. But he’s not threatening my freedom at all, and I realize not all people in relationships are locked down, unless they allow themselves to be and I’ve never been treated this well in my life (except by my father).
Just having a weak moment. And realizing that I probably need therapy for my commitment phobia.
Matt: i don’t think you need therapy at all. when you do this shit by yourself for so long you eventually resign yourself to the fact that you don’t need anyone else. i know that’s how i feel now that i’ve proven to myself that i am a capable parent.
it’s gonna take a long time for that mindset to change, even though you’ve found someone so amazing.
just keep enjoying yourself with no pressure. your issues will work themselves out.
i’m sure of it.

He’s right. I too resigned myself to the fact that I would be alone indefinitely a long time ago. So the idea of someone else joining the picture has me a bit overwhelmed. I’m not a freak, or a commitment phobe, I’m just a single parent – taking my time and having trouble envisioning an actual significant other in my life.

And just as it took me some time to adapt to being alone, it will take me time to adapt to being in a relationship. I’m thinking at least 6 months to a year. There’s a blessing in disguise in Mr. Man and I’s future… we’ll actually be apart due to circumstances neither one of us can control for just over three months this winter. (I may explain later but have to keep it close for now).

The time apart will be the perfect test… for me. I am quite certain Mr. Man will pass with flying colors.

P.S.

Matt, who lost his wife Liz just 25 hours after their daughter Madeline was born has partnered with SingleMindedWomen.com to create a My Stuff Bag Foundation charity. The charity provides clothing, toys and necessary items for abused, neglected and abandoned children (newborns – 18 yrs.) throughout the United States.

Please click here for more information. It would mean the world to me and to Matt if you’d make it the charity of choice this holiday season. And you wouldn’t have to splurge, there are items as low as $5.99 in the registry.

Big Weekend

mssinglemama — Sat, 15 Nov 2008 02:43:27 +0000

I’m frantically packing.

I’ve been planning this weekend’s trip since… oh, Monday.

But I waited to pack until tonight. Smart. Tomorrow morning Benjamin, Mr. Man and I are headed down to Kan-Tuck-Ee (I love saying it like that) to visit Morgan (aka Modern Single Momma or, as I like to call her, my soul sister).

Morgan will be meeting Benjamin (and Mr. Man) for the first time, while I’ll be meeting her man for the first time. Needless to say, we’re both pumped. She lives in Portland so we never get to see each other, it’s been months now actually since the first time we met in San Francisco.

And when it comes to love as a single mom, Morgan is way ahead of me. She’s been with her Man in Moseley, now her Man in Kentucky since this spring and is planning on making a move there to join him this winter. Read her story about falling in love as a single mom here.

If Benjamin let’s us – we’ll be making another video. Do you have any questions or topics you’d like us to answer?

Leave a comment and let us know. If not… have a fantastic weekend. I hope you all get to spend some time with another single mom or single dad because single parent friends are life-savers.

[Photo: Morgan and I in San Francisco this past spring. Watch our video on dating single moms here.]

THE Ultimate Single Mom!

mssinglemama — Mon, 03 Nov 2008 23:45:19 +0000

Read the inspiring Ultimate Single Mom Contest responses and add your own here.

If you didn’t win and you’d like your own iHeartSingleParents.com t-shirt browse all of the styles here. You won’t have ANY problems meeting fellow single moms and dads if you’re wearing one of these!

P.S. If you haven’t seen it yet i Heart Single Parents (the first and best social network for single parents) has a brand new look… check it out and join already.

Dating Single Parents: Can it Work?

mssinglemama — Sat, 27 Sep 2008 18:45:23 +0000

Cabin Man and I have been texting and e-mailing daily.

Talking on the phone is tough because during my available times, at night, he’s in a low cell service.

It’s frustrating to say the least. And he wanted to make a trip here during the work week but it just can’t fly. He has a job and on top of that – no car. But on the weekends, when I can visit him, he has his kids.

That leaves us ZERO options to see each other. Last weekend’s date was a fluke. He didn’t have the kids because it was his ex-wife’s birthday and she kept them.

He is all for a camping trip and introducing me to his children but, in the two years since his separation, I would be the first woman they meet. His theory is to introduce each other as friends, to not make a big deal out of it and to keep our hands off of each other.

In his eyes the positives of our kids having fun together and seeing happy parents far outweighs any negatives. But he admits this is new territory for him and completely respects my decision not to bring the kids into the mix.

Bottom line:

This is not going to be a long term relationship, from what I can sense, so I am just going to have to throw in the towel pre-maturely. Why? Because there won’t be a chance to see him again – EVER – if I can’t bring Benjamin.

The questions:

What if, in trying to spare Benjamin from future psychological problems, I miss out on a potentially rewarding and fulfilling relationship (even a temporary one) that makes both of us happy? Or at the very least, an awesome camping trip?

My belief:

The child of a single parent does not have a “typical” family life and ultimately sees his parents with different people. This does not mean they will all be screwed up for the rest of their lives.

I believe it depends on how the parent handles these relationships and communicates their beginning or end to the children. I do not believe single parents should relationship hop, bringing men or women in and out of their lives, and involve their children in the drama surrounding these relationships. For example, I dated Kris on and off for nearly one year but he rarely saw Benjamin and we never even thought about moving in together. When it ended Benjamin was fine. I carefully phased Kris out, cutting his visits from once or twice a week to once or twice every two weeks and so on.

I also believe that single parents who deny themselves the right to date may harbor resentment toward their situation and may be denying themselves the freedom to date without guilt, which in turn can affect the kids negatively.

I know you are all divided on this.

And I hate to beat a dead horse, but I think this one is still kicking. And I’m assuming this is not a new issue for any single dating parent or one that any of us can truly understand or hold authority on because every situation is different.

All of your comments to Cabin Fever, Part 3 are unique and each with a different perspective. Here’s a recap.

“No Way!”

Amy Nathan said, “Leave all the kids out of it, please. Bringing them into it under the pretense of ‘it’s neutral’ or ‘they will have fun’ is bull, in my opinion. For the two of you, you deserve it to be all about you if this is something good.” Single dad, Jonathan of the Resolve note agrees with Amy, although he wasn’t quite as blunt. Kit Kat 4 Real would wait until the relationship has been tested, “Are you there? Is it serious enough to introduce the kids?”

“Bring friends.”

Single Parent Dad and Leslie think I should invite other friends on the camping trip to gloss it over and Ian adds, “While it is vital to protect your children, and you can’t, or shouldn’t, introduce people willy-nilly into their lives. You can’t stop living yours, and surely you can find a way to take this further.”

This is a fantastic idea but I don’t have a huge group of friends to invite. They’re all busy and I’m not sure if I want to bring people just to bring people. And then there’s a mess of you who are just telling me to do it.

“Do it!”

Laura and April think I should follow my gut… and Laura said, “I would do it! Really I would go on the camping trip! You would have seperate tents etc – so really WHAT is the harm?”

She has a point. Benjamin meets new people A LOT. Including new male friends and new female friends. I can see what the long-term damage would be if I saw Cabin Man every single weekend. But the warm weather is quickly fading and camping would be fricking awesome. And we’d be in a new place – not in our own home.

Amy in Sedona said, “I’ve been reading your posts since the end of June when I became a single mama and all I can tell you is go out there and have fun! Don’t worry about the rules, you need to take control of your life and do it for yourself! I’m sure Benjamin will have a blast too!”

And now here I am digesting all of this advice…

and have found that it’s clouding my gut. My gut says, “You know your son and you know yourself and this wouldn’t harm him in any way.” But my head says, “You shouldn’t do this because the rules say you can’t.”

For those who think a night of camping with a new person would be absolutely selfish and catastrophic I ask – what are your personal experiences? Does one bad experience in introducing a man to your children mean you should isolate yourself from others forever?

What about other single parent friends who come and go? Do you keep them away as well?

Do you feel like, in the name of protecting your children, you may actually be hurting them by denying yourself your own happiness?

And I want to hear from more of you lurkers like Amy in Sedona. Sign in anonymously if you want…

UPDATE: Read about how my trip to visit Cabin Man ended up. Was Benjamin permanently scarred?

A fairy tale ending?

mssinglemama — Fri, 12 Sep 2008 01:58:33 +0000

Part 2 of A Muddy Single Mom, a Fairy Tale

Sydney’s curse happened just one day after I’d taken Benjamin to the book store.

If you follow me on Twitter you may have noticed my choice of the book store over the library, “Going to Barnes and Noble… books, trains AND cute men… ” The Twitter fairies went to work and when Benjamin and I walked back to the Thomas train table I saw a dark-haired, very adorable dad.

I thought I’d turn the corner and see his wife. But no, he was alone with his three-year-old son. I checked out his hands, no ring. And all of this talking. He definitely seemed interested. But you never know. So how does one say, “I’m a single parent.” He worked it in by telling me about the house he’d just bought, “it’s small but that’s okay because it’s just the two of us.”

“Oh! You’re a single dad?” I said, “I’m a single mom!”

And as always, it was so incredible to just sit there and talk to another single parent. We spent an hour chit chatting while the boys played with Thomas and then it was time to leave. The kids were protesting, of course, and in what would have been an awkward moment for any childless man – we both just scooped up our screaming toddlers and walked out together.

“This is SO nice,” I said over Benjamin’s howl of despair, “to have two screaming kids instead of one. Makes it a lot easier.”

We were both laughing. The kids quieted down when we stopped to say good-bye at the exit.

“So, this is completely out of character for me,” he said, “but I’d love to hang out with you sometime. Can I give you my number?”

I got nervous. My brain fast-forwarding to the part when I tell him I can’t date him. To the part when I crush him.

“Yeah, I’d love to… I can always use more single parent friends.”

Note the word “friend.” Just in case. I have a major guilt complex. I think it’s because every boy rejected me in junior high. I was the girl at the dance who would stand up against the wall – alone – the ENTIRE time. For two years it was like that (until my parents yanked me out of that awful school). So, to this day, I can’t stand the idea of rejecting people when they’re brave enough to ask me out.

Usually it’s me doing the asking – if you haven’t read my post on How to Pick Up Men, get over there. Crucial advice for the dating single mom.

I called him a few days later and we set up plans for last night.

I was nervous. It was incredibly pleasant but alas, no love connection. I’m not sure if he felt the same way, but I told him I thought we should just be friends. And I meant it. Benjamin needs a guy friend and I can always use more single parent friends – seriously, can’t have enough.

What a fluke it was to meet a man at Barnes and Noble. My daydream of meeting a charming guy at a book store finally came true… but all of that time and effort for no spark. Meeting men in the flesh isn’t easy. Very possible, yes, but I’m thinking it’s time to jump online again. The first time I tried online dating, over one year ago, I wasn’t ready for a relationship and I wasted a lot of money. (E-Harmony by the way – is a scam).

But now I’m older, wiser and ready to shop for a man.

Why not? Mr. Right Now is never going to become Mr. Right. And if Sydney’s fairy tale curse is destined to come true, at least I can say I tried. Either that or I’ll get so sick of dating that bowl of muddy soup will sound more appealing than a man.

To be continued… (yes, again)

Next up – the Top 5 Online Dating Sites and steps on how to date online as a single parent.

In the meantime which online dating sites have you tried? Any success?

Cancer SUCKS.

mssinglemama — Fri, 05 Sep 2008 20:39:58 +0000

Jim Everson, known to many of you as Depot Dad, just found out that he has a severe form of skin cancer. We’re still waiting to find out just how severe… but it’s looking, well, very scary.

I haven’t even called him yet because I know I would just burst into tears. I hate cancer. As you know, I lost my own father to cancer when he was just 51. HATE IT. Damn it. Cancer is one of the cruelest things on this planet. But Jim is young, healthy and he has two beautiful children to fight tooth and nail for…

Please go wish him the best. The support you give him, from his fellow single parents, will undoubtedly mean the world to him.

Speechless…

mssinglemama — Fri, 29 Aug 2008 00:38:47 +0000

Just wanted to take a moment to remind everyone that tonight the first candidate raised by a single mother will accept his nomination for President of the United States of America.

And hopefully Joe Biden, a single father, will take the stage as well. After that I might watch take a minute to catch some Michael Phelps videos.

So proud and hopeful. This is an historic night on many levels.

P.S.

If you’re still on the fence about Obama read about his Father’s Day speech calling out dead beat dads.

iHeart Single Parents on Fox!

mssinglemama — Thu, 14 Aug 2008 23:34:01 +0000

Clare, the co-founder of iHeart Single Parents, made an appearance on Fox’s Morning Show this week.

Click here to watch Clare’s interview.

I’m so excited that iHeartSingleParents.com is finally getting the attention it deserves.

Morning Show hosts Mike and Juliet say, at the start of this piece, that 40% of new mothers in the U.S. are unmarried and of those the fastest growing group is women in their late 20′s. Not sure where they got that statistic (and it is Fox) but could that be true? Forty percent!

Mike and Juliet also ask Clare if she would recommend that other women choose to be a single mom. In her blog post, Clare says they sprung these questions on her – “They didn’t ask the questions that the producer and I practiced on at all.”

I can’t speak for Clare but being a single mother is seldom a choice for any of us. It’s something that happens. We choose to go on as single moms… but we certainly didn’t choose this path? Or did we? I chose to leave my husband. Does that mean I chose to be a single mom? I’ve written about this here.

Food for thought. And evidence that talk show hosts will always go for the controversial chord of any conversation.

Regardless, Clare did a fantastic job representing! And if you haven’t been over to iHeart lately, get over there because there are nearly 1,000 members now… and as Clare says in this interview, having a single parent social network to turn to really makes you feel less alone.

[Photo: Clare and her 2-year-old son, Colby]