by mssinglemama on January 19, 2009
But it’s not what you think.
I’m taking a self-imposed man break (in case you hadn’t noticed) and Benjamin has subsequently ended up in my bed. It’s a long story, read about it here – please – I really need advice on the co-sleeping thing. As single parents, I imagine, we have an entirely different take on the issue.
And I’m not sure how long it will be before I start dating again but right now I just need to chill, re-group and get ready for the next round.
—–
Not sure what is going on with Benjamin’s father.
He claims what I heard is a complete lie. But I know it can’t be. The pieces to the story, like Canada and the new car, were facts my friend had no way of knowing about. So… now I’m just waiting (as usual) and coming to terms with the fact that this entire situation is out of my control.
I’ve also put a call in to my lawyer — just to be safe.
by mssinglemama on January 13, 2009
Benjamin’s dad is buying himself a new car to replace the old one.
This is a good thing.
His old car was a pile of junk. Benjamin will be safer on his weekly voyages to his house now. But because of his car shopping (not plane ticket shopping -urgh) he couldn’t make it today. So last night when Benjamin started coughing and then spiked a fever at 1:00 a.m. I went through the “how am I going to miss another day of work” mental check list I’m all too familiar with.
This morning, Benjamin popped out of bed full of energy but still coughing. And while I spent most of the day attached to my laptop cranking out projects for work he spent his playing but not without interrupting me every five minutes.
“Mommy! Mommy! Look, look at this!”
“I know, sweetie. I see, that’s awesome – now go on back upstairs. Mommy has to work.”
I hate it. I hate that he has to interrupt me, that I can’t give him my undivided attention. At one point in the morning he refused to take no for an answer and pulled me upstairs and there on the floor was an intricate train track, wrapped around the legs of his Thomas table. It was incredible. And I had missed the entire thing.
But I don’t have a choice. Job, kid, job, kid. Job keeps kid alive. Job. Kid keeps me alive. Kid.
Guilt. It’s a bitch.
Later this afternoon we headed to the doctor, only because his cough and the fever combined threw me for a loop.
We brought Handy Manny in his cute little backpack and as soon as Doctor Man arrived Benjamin started chatting him up telling him all about Manny and his tools.
“Wow. You have quite a talker here,” Doctor Man said.
I had figured as much because he never stops talking but I don’t check up on these things. I don’t compare my child to others or read the mommy books. I’m usually just satisfied that he’s alive, eating, sleeping and abundantly happy. But, with all of this talking emerges a new reality – Mommy’s words are now, more than ever, his number one source of fresh material.
After a clean bill of health from the doctor (a minor miracle) we headed out to the parking lot where Benjamin refused to hold my hand. While I coaxed him along in the bitter cold, prodding and pleading for him to hurry up he ignored me and started dashing in circles – teasing me. Then these words flew out of my mouth, “C’mon you butt face.”
Yes. I am admitting publicly that I actually called my own child a butt face. [click to continue…]
by mssinglemama on November 24, 2008
It’s happening…
My relationship phobia is kicking in.
Always hits at the same time – after about one month. I start freaking out imagining this terminal diagnosis of actually being with someone indefinitely. Mr. Man has been incredibly patient -no, he has been more than patient – he has been considerate and totally understanding of my sudden mood swings and deflection of his warmth.
He calls these my “blockers” and they “scare the shit” out of him. It seems they are beyond my control. My gut is screaming at me – yelling actually – “You aren’t ready. You can’t do this because you don’t know how. Being single is much, much easier and besides men are a pain in the ass (eventually it always turns sour).” Then I act like a bitch or go cold on him.
A few nights ago, deep in freak out mode and feeling so frustrated with myself, I vented a bit to Matt Logelin. Ever since our SMW radio show together we’ve been e-mailing here and there, nurturing our virtual friendship which I can only hope becomes one in the flesh some day.
As a friend, he’s just as insightful and inspirational as he is on his blog:
Matt: How are you?
Me: I’m fine. Just trying to get my head around the idea of actually being with someone – being in a relationship again. I’m just not sure if I can handle the idea of permanency. So very scary to me. But he’s not threatening my freedom at all, and I realize not all people in relationships are locked down, unless they allow themselves to be and I’ve never been treated this well in my life (except by my father).
Just having a weak moment. And realizing that I probably need therapy for my commitment phobia.
Matt: i don’t think you need therapy at all. when you do this shit by yourself for so long you eventually resign yourself to the fact that you don’t need anyone else. i know that’s how i feel now that i’ve proven to myself that i am a capable parent.
it’s gonna take a long time for that mindset to change, even though you’ve found someone so amazing.
just keep enjoying yourself with no pressure. your issues will work themselves out.
i’m sure of it.
He’s right. I too resigned myself to the fact that I would be alone indefinitely a long time ago. So the idea of someone else joining the picture has me a bit overwhelmed. I’m not a freak, or a commitment phobe, I’m just a single parent – taking my time and having trouble envisioning an actual significant other in my life.
And just as it took me some time to adapt to being alone, it will take me time to adapt to being in a relationship. I’m thinking at least 6 months to a year. There’s a blessing in disguise in Mr. Man and I’s future… we’ll actually be apart due to circumstances neither one of us can control for just over three months this winter. (I may explain later but have to keep it close for now).
The time apart will be the perfect test… for me. I am quite certain Mr. Man will pass with flying colors.
P.S.
Matt, who lost his wife Liz just 25 hours after their daughter Madeline was born has partnered with SingleMindedWomen.com to create a My Stuff Bag Foundation charity. The charity provides clothing, toys and necessary items for abused, neglected and abandoned children (newborns – 18 yrs.) throughout the United States.
Please click here for more information. It would mean the world to me and to Matt if you’d make it the charity of choice this holiday season. And you wouldn’t have to splurge, there are items as low as $5.99 in the registry.
by mssinglemama on November 14, 2008
I’m frantically packing.
I’ve been planning this weekend’s trip since… oh, Monday.
But I waited to pack until tonight. Smart. Tomorrow morning Benjamin, Mr. Man and I are headed down 
to Kan-Tuck-Ee (I love saying it like that) to visit Morgan (aka Modern Single Momma or, as I like to call her, my soul sister).
Morgan will be meeting Benjamin (and Mr. Man) for the first time, while I’ll be meeting her man for the first time. Needless to say, we’re both pumped. She lives in Portland so we never get to see each other, it’s been months now actually since the first time we met in San Francisco.
And when it comes to love as a single mom, Morgan is way ahead of me. She’s been with her Man in Moseley, now her Man in Kentucky since this spring and is planning on making a move there to join him this winter. Read her story about falling in love as a single mom here.
If Benjamin let’s us – we’ll be making another video. Do you have any questions or topics you’d like us to answer?
Leave a comment and let us know. If not… have a fantastic weekend. I hope you all get to spend some time with another single mom or single dad because single parent friends are life-savers.
[Photo: Morgan and I in San Francisco this past spring. Watch our video on dating single moms here.]
by mssinglemama on November 3, 2008
