Single Mom | Single Mom Blog | Ms. Single Mama » single parenting

O’ Daddy, Where Art Thou?

mssinglemama — Fri, 20 Jun 2008 16:25:16 +0000

Benjamin has this nasty little habit of calling every man in sight “Daddy.”

I’m sure if his father had a greater presence in his life this wouldn’t be the case. I’ve convinced myself, actually, that he does this because I’m a single mom. It’s just killing me. It happens in the grocery store, at the park, on the street, in the car, at his day care and in the coffee shop.

I’ve tried correcting him.

“No, honey, that’s just a man. A man, not a daddy.” And when it’s someone we know, “No, Benjamin that’s not Daddy that’s our neighbor, Ted.”

But to no avail. It’s so bad actually that when I see a man walking toward us on the sidewalk my body actually tenses up. Uh-oh. Here it comes.

“Daddy! Daddy!” He shouts, “Hi, Daaaaddeeeeeee!”

The poor, unsuspecting men usually smile and give Benjamin a big Hello. Then they probably go home and can’t sleep with their girlfriends that night.

Does this happen to anyone else?

Please, oh please say yes. You know what? Just lie to me and tell me it does. I could lock his real dad in a closet and force him to spend more time with his son. By the way, he was a no show last week (car problems again) and even though he hadn’t seen him in two weeks he tried to drop him off at my grandmother’s 8 hours early. I told him – no, that he had to spend time with his son.

Sometimes I think we’d be better off without him in our lives. What happens when Benjamin is old enough to know that his dad, his hero, wants to dump him off at Grandma’s the second he has the chance? What’s to say he doesn’t sense that already?

[Photo: Benjamin and his uncle Ezra, who he, of course, called Daddy all night. His cargo shorts are way too long! They look like short pants. So funny.]

Will our kids be worse off?

mssinglemama — Thu, 20 Mar 2008 03:42:48 +0000

There’s a very interesting comment thread going on how much I love being a single mom….

It’s a fantastic discussion between Dad’s House and another single father, Jim. They’re debating on whether or not our children, the children of single parents, are essentially worse off because they’re being raised by single parents….very passionate stuff here. And a few things to keep in mind – every situation is unique and everyone is entitled to their own opinions and because we are all single parents we must respect everyone’s opinion because in this discussion – unfortunately no one has the answers.

Jim:

Maybe I’ll get flamed for this, but I’ll say it anyway: Kids should have both a mom and a dad to raise them, even if one, or both of them aren’t their “natural” parents (I’ve adopted). I’m not for this “It’s great/better to be a single mom (parent) stuff. Currently I’m a dad who gets his kids 1/2 the time, and it tears me up that my boys are being raised without a mom and dad in the same house, working together to raise them. But she wanted her freedom, and I guess that’s another story.
The point is, my children will not have the same advantages as children with two loving parents who stay together. I’m not proud of the fact that I’m divorced. I know that a lot of you, like me, found out that the person they loved was not who they thought they were, or they changed into something else along the way. We can’t help that. I’m not proud to be a single dad. This isn’t the way it was supposed to be.
Well, ‘bemoaning’ though I may be…
…I read how a lot of people who have posted here are they, themselves, happy to be a single parent. It makes them happy. To be single. They, the parent.
…what about the child? Are they happy about it? To read these posts, I think most of the children discussed are very young and have no concept of ‘dads’ or ‘marriage’ or any issues like that. But they’ll grow up. And have questions. And maybe they’ll be confused, and conflicted. Or maybe they’ll turn out just fine.
Look, maybe you’ve all been married to jerks, and so maybe you are quite right not to be with that person, who happens to be the other parent of your child. It’s a situation we’re all in, or we probably wouldn’t be posting here! I’m just saying that I, personally, don’t exalt in single parenthood, and -yes- I’m kinda bothered by those who do.

Dad’s House:

We all have our own opinions. I personally think it’s great that all these single parents feel good about being single. Maybe they went through rough times and came out stronger. As for my ex, she was not a jerk. I was married 9 years, divorced for 8, and I’m happier and more at peace now than I’ve ever been. The reason? I’ve changed a lot over the years, and changed my life perspective. Would I be as happy and at peace in a couple? Maybe. Are my kids suffering? No – they are happy and well adjusted.

And me:

Jim … I would give everything to have married a man like you – one who is so torn by not being able to see his kids 100% of the time. Which is exactly why I am a single parent. My son’s father has him for 36 hours a week – but usually cuts that time short and NEVER calls during the week to check in. He loves his son, I know this. But he was an awful husband, it was an awful match. But we got Benjamin out of it.
I was raised by two parents who were madly in love with each other. My father died when I was 21 and my mother is still putting the pieces back together. Despite losing him and despite watching my mother in all of this pain for 9 years…I would never trade my childhood for anything.
I want my son to have that. I want him to see two people in love. I have known so many men, so many women who were raised in loveless marriages and believe me – they have issues.
I do not mean to exalt my single parenthood … I am trying to make the best of a bad hand dealt to me…trying to look on the bright side and to believe that one day I will find someone like my father who will love myself and my son – until I find that man – I am going to make the best of being a single parent. And be happy. Because that – at the end of the day – is what will make Benjamin happy.
Most of the single women in this community – are single because their men left them or failed them in incredible ways. We were not given a choice and we are making the best of our situations.
Thanks for your input and I do hear your points – they are very good ones. A two parent household may be the best for some children – but not for mine because his father and I together… now that really would have fucked him up.

A note before we start flying off the handle attacking Jim – I tried not to in my comment … I mean this when I say that caring single fathers are so admirable. But this question he raises is one that makes me feel as if I am supposed to be ashamed for being a single parent. I am a proud single parent because I survived. And I survived hell to get here and make this work … and for what? For my son. The door is always open for his father to spend more time with Benjamin – but he never walks in. And, yes Jim, it breaks my heart.

The Ex Factor

mssinglemama — Wed, 19 Mar 2008 02:08:59 +0000

You rarely hear mention of him on my blog. Maybe because it usually breaks my heart to write about it. Maybe because I don’t want Benjamin to read this someday and think his father’s a lousy (enter superlative of your choice here). But now that Benjamin’s two…soon there will be questions which means Mommy needs to figure some stuff out. And I prefer to turn to the experts – you, my readers and open this up for discussion.

First some facts:

I left him when Benjamin was 4 months old.
My Ex has 36 hours a week with Benjamin.
He never, ever asks for more and usually returns him early whenever he has the chance.
Throughout the week we never get a phone call from him. Not one.
Of those 36 hours he spends a majority of them watching him at my apartment: using my diapers, my food and completely trashing the place in the process.

I have daydreamed about moving across the country (knowing he wouldn’t follow us) but there’s a part of me that knows Benjamin deserves the right to know his father and form a bond with him – no matter how irresponsible he may be. And I do believe that he loves his son … he definitely loves him … he just is lacking in the parenting department.

The bright side to my Ex Factor (because I always look on the bright side). No debates on parenting, no pestering phone calls, no jealousy because I’m dating. The downside – Benjamin doesn’t have the father he deserves.

I’ve come to terms with all of this. At least, I believe I have. So now what? What’s the best way to handle the Ex Factor when you’re a single parent?
Dr. Leah posted this comment to my last post:

Responsible parents provide what kids need during the time the kids are with them. This includes food, clothing, and play things. Later on, of course, kids can take the responsibility for carrying school books and other possessions back and forth, as needed.

I’m unclear why Dad felt comfortable enough to dismantle something in your home and reassemble it in his home. When he said, Gee, is that a problem?” perhaps you might have responded, “Yes, it is. Please do not take anything out of my home without checking with me first.”

Please think about asking for the entire train set—every little piece–back and setting some boundaries. You’ve got a long haul with this guy. Today the train set; tomorrow who knows?

I am planning on having a talk with Ex this coming Monday. Or maybe I should write a list of concerns, because believe me this post has just touched on a few.

A question Dr. Leah, if you’re reading … what is the best way to approach an Ex on issues like these? And to my readers, what do you think? What are your Ex Factors?

P.S. Since writing this post (I’ve been cleaning) and have discovered that he not only took the Thomas train set but also all of his Thomas bath toys. There’s only one in the overnight bag. The other two are goners. And as for the track….looks like all of the major pieces are there but won’t know if tracks are missing until I try to set it up again tomorrow. Sigh.

[Photo Credit: http://bellevere.net/wordpress/?p=4]

Shacking up…with another single parent.

mssinglemama — Wed, 06 Feb 2008 16:50:58 +0000

With single parenthood on the rise, many single moms and dads are shacking up – with each other. Once I dated a single father who lived with two other single fathers. His house had a climbing wall from the kitchen to an upstairs playroom. The kids had each other and so did the fathers.

My single mama best friend, Abby, also just split her rent in half by taking in a roommate – another single mom. They found each other through Craiglist and in addition to being a great roommate, Cindy has also offered to baby sit and will undoubtedly help Abby out around the house.

Personally, I’m lucky enough to be in an okay situation financially. It’s not great but I don’t feel the pressing need for a roommate. If I found the right mom though – it would be a very, very tempting scenario.

And check this out – Co-Abode.com, an entire web site devoted to matching up single moms. The moms here report happier, healthier lives thanks to their roommates and the kids – well, they just love having another little one around. Here’s a testimonial from one of the women featured in the picture above:

“Our kids get along great. Emotionally its been great to have someone thats going through the same experience that you are. CoAbode has definitely changed my life for the better. My new roommate and I sit up at night after the kids fall asleep and laugh and joke about some of the trials and tribulations we go through, and dont feel so alone.”

What do you think? Have you ever considered getting a roommate?

Toddlers are CRAZY!!!

mssinglemama — Fri, 01 Feb 2008 13:54:13 +0000

My little baby has evolved into a full fledged toddler and these little monsters are totally nuts…

Is this seriously how it’s going to be for the next two years? Seriously? This is pure insanity. How do moms do it? Especially when they have an extremely independent one like mine.

In the Ms. Single Mama household, it usually goes something like this:

Fill in activity with either a) liquid spitting b) throwing objects c) hitting me in the face d) messing with my new iMac e) or any event involving anything he doesn’t want to do.

Benjamin starts “no, no” activity.

Me: Please stop that Benjamin, we don’t (fill in activity).

Benjamin: SCREAAMMMMM “No!” “No!” – throws himself on floor.

That’s about it. Then it continues to spiral until he eventually calms down. Repeat entire scenario approximately 5-10 minutes later. Sigh.

The most effective method so far has been ignoring the behavior all together and if I can’t ignore it and have to say “no” – then I ignore the meltdown that ensues. This has been going on for about a week now – this super, intense screaming fit thing. His daycare people say he’s just fine and acting like his normal self. So I know it’s just between us two. I also think he’s going through a bit of separation anxiety.

Ugh. Sigh. Motherhood is SO hard. And there are so many pressures to be a good mother. My mommy friends are great. They reassure me that this is normal and that I better hang on tight because it’s going to be quite a ride. It’s just so rough already. And when it’s just you – the sole parent – I would guess we’re more likely to snap and lose our cool than coupled parents who have the luxury of taking turns.

I’ve been looking for a book on single parenting methods but can’t find one. Any suggestions?

No related posts.

Am I Single Mother By Choice?

mssinglemama — Thu, 08 Nov 2007 04:11:41 +0000

It’s been two weeks now since Benjamin’s father has seen his son.

His car is broken down because he drove it without oil. Sigh.

Coincidentally Benjamin has also been sick, sick, sick. I have missed four days of work and will be missing two more. I am also broke because I’ve had to pay for an extra two days of childcare each week.

I called him today en route to the hospital today. Benjamin had a fever of 104.5 and I thought he should know about it.

“Oh,” he says, “Well, I’m in a meeting, I’ll call you back.” CLICK.

I called him tonight to vent a bit. I know, I know. Should have let it go. He’s completely out of our lives now but when I’m missing days upon days of work and he doesn’t even seem concerned or offer to take a day off from his job I get upset.

“I understand,” he says.

“No you don’t.” I snap. “You don’t understand. How could you understand? You have never, ever had to take a day off from work to take care of your son when he’s sick.”

What he says next blew my mind.

“If we were married I would. But, my boss is not going to give me a day off to take care of my ex-wife’s kid. We are not a family anymore.”

“What?!!! He’s your son. You mean he is less of a son to you because we’re not married? Your boss can’t think that unless you think that.”

I should have hung up at this point but I didn’t. And then he drops this bomb (not the first time).

“It was your choice to leave me,” he says, “it was your choice and now you have to deal with it.”

Was it really my choice to be a single mom? Yes, in that the idea of actually still being with him, had I stayed, makes my skin crawl. Being a single mom is tough but being with a husband like him was a hell of a lot harder. He was cold, insensitive, hurtful and down right useless.

He’s now on month 9 of a relationship with another single mother. Her son is 6 and they’re now living together. Poor her. Poor kid.

If he would have had it his way, right now he would be sitting on MY couch, drinking MY beer, eating MY groceries and treating me like shit. I just wish he weren’t on another single mom’s couch right now. I wish I could warn her.