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My dream man.

mssinglemama — Sun, 15 Mar 2009 18:20:48 +0000

Does he even exist?

Well if I want him to… the first step is believing he does.

This week I was interviewed for an article for a local magazine – apparently I’m one of the Top 10 Singles in my city. She asked me a series of questions you might fill out for an online dating profile like, “Where is your ideal first date?”

Easy.

“My living room,” I said laughing, “I hate paying for a sitter.”

“Okay and what’s the hardest thing about being a dating single parent.”

Easy again.

“Not having the time to date.”

Then she stumped me.

“What are you looking for in an ideal mate?”

I didn’t know what to say. I spend so much time telling myself why I don’t need a man – honestly, those thoughts helped me survive that first year of single motherhood and still do – that I couldn’t come up with one reason to want one. And that did not feel right.

Surely I must have one reason, I thought, or is my heart really that iced over?

Being on the spot I let my heart take over for my head (a rarity) and this is what came out, “I want to be with someone I respect – a lot. And he has to be awake… to life.”

The words were simple but in my mind I had a vision of this stellar guy who would just blow my socks off (and Benjamin’s) and just thinking about him gave me butterlies. He wouldn’t be a bad boy but he’d have other things in his life – aside from us. He’d have passions like I do. And he’d make me laugh – a lot.

This is progress. My mind is opening up a bit… to the possibility. I just have to work on that list of what I want in a man.

What are you looking for in an ideal mate? Leave a comment as a little exercise.

Single Parent Boot Camp

mssinglemama — Sat, 23 Aug 2008 12:46:12 +0000

You all know being a single parent is one of the toughest obstacle courses life can throw at you… and one of my favorite single dads and friend, Jim Everson of Depot Dad, agreed to write about his first few months in Single Parent Boot Camp.

I took this picture of Jim on my trip to San Francisco, the cave reminded me of this post… there is ALWAYS a light at the end of every tunnel and I think Jim is finally able to see his!

“Keep your butt down, soldier, or it’ll get shot off some day!”

By Depot Dad

That’s prudent advice in any endeavor actually and….what’s that? You don’t know about Single Parent Boot Camp? Well have a seat and let me give you a first hand account of the experience as I still navigate the barb-wire training course of single parenting.

I first arrived at Camp Cantwinfertryin last March.

110 degrees in the shade and all you get for supper is a steady helping of grief. Each day starts off with a 20km hike while carrying a 60 pound pack filled with pressures, fears, and worries. But its not all bad, since the camaraderie of the recruits is unrivaled in any organization.

Without a doubt the most difficult part of single parent training is the obstacle course. So they are:

The Tire Tread Mill

You have to hold a load of laundry and a bag of groceries up over your head while running through a field of tires. I hustled through this one as quickly as I could. I lifted my knees high. I landed in the center of each tire. In a few minutes I was across the yard. That’s when the Sarge yelled,

“Now get back to the beginning, Rookie, and do it again! You’re a single parent – you’re never finished being TIREd! HAR HAR HAR!”

And with that terrible pun still ringing in my ears, I ran on to the second obstacle…

The Budget Balance Beam

This one is tricky for sure, you have to cross a ditch of bills, taxes and expenses on the narrowest of income beams. All the while you are tossed to and fro by the winds of ever changing economic conditions. Its a tough one, I’m telling you. But once licked, you can move on to the…

Slippery Slope of Infatuations

All I remember about this oil slicked hillside surrounded by so many thorny bushes of heartache was the Sarge yelling at me from the sidelines,

“Keep your wits about you, Rookie, or you’ll fall before you’re ready!”

I almost bit it on that one, that’s for sure. But I managed to pull through and then I faced…

The Negotiation with the Ex Mine Field

Now, I don’t mind telling you this one had me scared. Hardly a single one of my fellow recruits got out of this one unscathed. A divorced mother to the left of me got blown sky high by a miscommunication about who got to host the birthday party this year. A single father on my right narrowly missed a “two days late on the alimony” mine when he was suddenly blown to bits when he stepped on a “child tattled about cereal for dinner” bomb. It wasn’t pretty. Still we pushed on to…

The Mood Swinging Ropes

This one looked too easy. Grab a rope and make a simple swoop over a little patch of dirt. Imagine my surprise when, upon grabbing the rope, I was suddenly propelled this way and that. The rope spun me into a whirl of euphoria, then dropped me fast into a nauseating funk. Before I could get my bearings, it had thrown me back to where I had started, leaving me feeling as if no progress had been made. Finally, it catapulted me on to the next obstacle and that’s when I saw my undoing…

The Climbing Wall of Despair

One has only to scale the wall using a hanging rope and throw themselves over the other side. As I stumbled towards this last obstacle, I saw it was but a small task for so many of the other single parent recruits. They propelled themselves up and over with the greatest of ease. But as soon as I grabbed the rope and attempted to pull myself up, I knew I was in trouble.

“What’s the matter, Rookie?” came the familiar voice,”All tuckered out and feeling hopeless? Well ain’t that just toooooo baaaad! Now get climbing!”

I gave it a second go only to end up flat on my back in a fit of tears.

“You can’t lay down and blubber about yer troubles, you hopeless wreck!” came the sarge’s supportive advice. “Now GET OVER THAT WALL!”

But it was useless. Every time I tried to get back on my feet, I slumped back down to the ground. I was beaten.

And that is when the most surprising thing happened. A bus load of single parent graduates had stopped by to check out the new greenhorns. And as the door swung open and the experienced single parents came pouring out, I heard, not laughter and judgement but…

“Cut corners where you can,” yelled out Heather from iHeartSingleParents.com. Kitkat4real followed that with, “Everything doesn’t have to be perfect!” Sweets pulled out a bullhorn and shouted,”Take each day as it comes and don’t sweat the small stuff!” Then I saw singleparentdad waving a giant flag. He yelled out, “When I’m so tired and I can’t even lift an eyelid, I think about my little boy and I am able to find the strength to get a few more things done.” Tonya was next with a heartfelt, “Don’t feel like you’re alone in this!”

And lastly, out stepped Ms. Single Mama herself. “Hey, you’re doing it all yourself now after years of having help! You can’t – as a human being – just suddenly adapt to that overnight. It takes time!”

They all started cheering and I felt the strength return to my arms. I stood up and grabbed the rope. I pulled myself up and over to the sound of whoops and hollers. I made it over the wall of despair.

And that is where I am today. Sarge says I still have to go the full 12 months, because I’ve got to learn to do the course blindfolded next. He says its the only way to be sure that these new skills are second nature and I can overcome obstacles without a second thought. And that’s fine with me. With a cheering section like mine, how can I go wrong?

Just remember to keep your butts down, everybody, and I’ll see you on the other side.

The Best of the Single Parent Blogosphere

mssinglemama — Wed, 06 Aug 2008 23:18:49 +0000

Because we’re single parents and we don’t have time to read a million blogs every week I use this post to highlight my favorites and let you highlight yours … DON’T BE SHY. Shameless self-promotion is strongly encouraged.

This week’s personal favorites:

Incredulous Relief – Kristin (Better Now)

The relief? Because she’s alive. You’ll be biting your nails in fear when you read Kristen’s two posts about a romantic vacation gone bad, very bad… damn men. Sorry. I promise I’m not a man-hater. This week has just been filled with shocking stories like this one.

It takes longer to un-do a marriage than it does to grow a human being – Sassafrass

This week I discovered Sassafrass, a sassy single mama in Chicago. Check out her post reflecting on her divorce which is now finally, final (we all know how that feels) and her four-year-old son’s quick adaptation to their new life.

I have been busier than usual this week, so please – leave me links to your best post…

Oh! And he’s not a single parent – but our favorite commenter, Jon B., needs some advice from us on his relationship with a single mom. Help him out here.

Baggage check: I won’t let myself fall in love.

mssinglemama — Sun, 13 Jul 2008 01:45:41 +0000

I left my phone charger in California. And after one day with no interruptions and no friends to run my emotions by … I realized how nice it is to be disconnected. So I didn’t buy a new one. Now it’s been five days of phone free bliss and a lot of time to reflect. In one of my many quiet moments I had an epiphany – I am scared to death of falling in love again.

I have done it before, been completely swept away. At the time it seemed clear. He was the one. We could make it work. Til death do us part. But something had severely clouded my judgment and by the time I realized my mistake – it was too late – we were married.

Now my ex-husband is a walking, talking example of how blinded I can be by love. So, I don’t trust myself. There it is. Simple as that. And it doesn’t help that every Monday I get to see that shining example pull up into my driveway to take our son for 36 hours.

But what if my fear of falling for the wrong guy keeps me from falling for the right guy? When love does show up will I be brave enough to let myself fall? I hope so, for Benjamin’s sake. I would hate for the kid to miss out on having brothers and sisters or a full-time dad because “Mommy has baggage.”

So here’s my baggage dumping plan, effective immediately (because this shit has got to go):

Step 1: Identify Baggage

My ex-husband broke my heart. What if it happens again? Benjamin would be hurt and so would I … I’m protecting myself and Benjamin from my own silly heart that (in the past) has always fallen for the wrong guy. And what about the financial fall out? Divorce sucks. I also fear losing my freedom again to marriage (i.e. prison). Yeah, I know – that’s why they call it baggage. I have issues.

Step 2: Identify Effects of Baggage

I have fallen in love since becoming a single mother, with Kris … in the end neither one of us could take the big plunge into a deeper love. I kept him at a safe distance from my heart, didn’t grow too attached for fear of a painful break … and it worked. When we split it was painless. But we both lost something that had the potentional to be something. Two relationship phobes equals no relationship. But I learned from that experience. I also learned that I can fall in love and keep my head on my shoulders at the same time. So that’s the good news!

Step 3: Eliminate Baggage (the hard part)

I’m taking baby steps. I am. But … it could be a while. And I need to give myself that time. In the meantime I’m looking at each of my experiences with men with open eyes. Striping it down, recognizing when I’m pushing them away and when I’m just listening to obvious red flags. I have also realized that falling in love as a single mother will be different. (That was a huge step). That’s all I’ve got … clearly still working on this part. If you have any advice – please, by all means … help a single mama out.

What’s your baggage? Do you think my baggage is manageable? Any of this sound familiar?

[Photo: San Francisco beach]

The ultimate single dad.

mssinglemama — Sat, 12 Jul 2008 02:41:20 +0000

Meet Matt Logelin.

He’s a single father because the love of his life, his wife, died after giving birth to their stunning daughter.

I was going to post something about my love issues tonight but after reading Matt’s blog that just seems utterly ridiculous. Prepare to be incredibly inspired, to laugh, to cry and to become instantly hooked.

Start here.

[Thanks to Chrissy at Glamour for introducing me and thousands of others to Matt]

On fake wedding rings.

mssinglemama — Fri, 13 Jun 2008 12:16:42 +0000

I didn’t realize what a passionate and proud single parent I’ve become until I read this . And now, Kristin is linking to this blog from hers! Hello everyone!

I thought I would give this topic it’s own post so that the controversy isn’t trickling all over the place in other posts.

Here’s the issue that’s got everyone in a tizzy (or maybe just me). Kristin, a working single mom, wears a wedding ring during corporate sales calls to make the right impression. God forbid they find out she is a single mom:

The bottom line of my job is that I need to make people like me. If they like and trust me, they’ll be more likely to buy my product….It’s not that I lie and say that I’m married, but the ring creates the assumption that I am… I don’t wonder whether my prospective customer thinks I have left my kid at home with an incompetent babysitter while I flit around the Pacific Coast in pinstripes. The bottom line of my job is that I need to make people like me. If they like and trust me, they’ll be more likely to buy my product.

Maybe I’m living in a bubble, but I’ve never been the recipient of any nasty stares because my wedding finger is bare. What gives? Why hasn’t anyone ever given me the “You’re a single mom” stink eye? And when I say never, I mean never. Because I’d remember it, I’m sure an experience like that would leave a mark. Maybe I have been but am just oblivious to them.

So these stereotypes are out there? Still? In corporate board rooms? Weird.

If I put a ring on in meetings will it advance my career? That was a hypotehtical question (hi, co-workers) because I’d never, ever do it. Kristen and I are clearly different people and we all have our personal choices. This isn’t an attack on her, this isn’t a judgement. I just think we need to talk about this…

Why do some of us, in this day and age, feel compelled to hide the fact that we are single moms in business situations?

Has being a single mom ever hurt your career?

Has anyone ever said anything to you in public or in a work meeting to put you down because you are as single parent?

P.S. I’ve officially apologized to Kristin for saying this all made me want to puke. Didn’t mean to offend or attack anyone. And Kristin, I hope you have a fantastic weekend with your new man! I noticed you were looking for something to call him, I prefer “Man Person.” It’s what I called my first post-divorce boyfriend.

Your Turn…

How to get a toddler into the bath.

mssinglemama — Sun, 25 May 2008 13:41:14 +0000

Tell toddler his or her microscopic plastic monkey wants to ride in a boat. Hint: Make monkey whisper in your ear. Act alarmed and sad when plastic monkey tells you he’s never, ever been in a boat before.
Ask toddler if he or she knows where the monkey can find a boat.
Remind toddler of the toy boat in the bath tub.
Bonus: tell toddler the monkey also wants to help wash his or her hair!
Toddler will lead you by the hand to the tub, his or her jaw will hang open upon the realization that small plastic monkeys can whisper in Mommy’s ear.

Photo Evidence: Sorry it’s blurry, I was giggling.

See the little monkey???

He’s there, in the center of the white thing. HILARIOUS. Benjamin would check on him every few minutes, just to make sure the monkey was having a fine time in his boat.

Need to save your marriage? Talk to Mort.

mssinglemama — Mon, 19 May 2008 03:40:23 +0000

This post was inspired by Google searches to my blog for “working harder than my husband.”

I used to be there. When your man isn’t acting like a man, and you’re taking care of the kids, cleaning the house, cooking and bringing home the bacon – you start to wonder why in the hell you need him?

If your husband is a lazy sack of you know what …

Consider this your private venting session. Leave a comment.

And if you want help just call Mort Fertel. He’s the creator of the Marriage Fitness program as seen on Fox News and every other cheesy, fake news outlet you can think of. Anyway…

Here’s his advice: “The key to succeeding in marriage is not finding the right person: it’s learning to love the person you’ve found.”

Okay. I’m with you. I can see that. After all, prince charming doesn’t really exist. We shouldn’t hold men up to such unrealistic standards. But what if you are working harder than your husband? Meaning … actually working harder than he is? And is Mort’s advice basically telling every miserable married woman to compromise herself into oblivion? Maybe Mort and Lori Gottlieb should write a book together.

Mort? You there? Help these ladies out …

Ms. Single Mama is not responsible for any side effects that may occur after reading this blog post. Symptoms may include serious urges to leave your husband with side effects of feeling incredibly relieved after venting by leaving a comment. Warning – DO NOT LEAVE YOUR HUSBAND UNTIL YOU’VE TRIED MARRIAGE COUNSELLING OR CALLED MORT. Ms. Single Mama does not promote and has not actually tried Mort’s program. She actually thinks it’s a crock. If you’ve tried Mort’s Marriage Fitness program – and he’s saved your marriage – by all means, leave a comment.

P.S. Mort, I’m sure you’re a swell guy, but you need to hire someone else to write your website copy.

Go pick a man up. I dare you!

mssinglemama — Wed, 23 Apr 2008 02:40:27 +0000

It’s Spring. I’m feeling frisky … and I know you are too!

So… I dare you to ask a guy out.

If you’re like me and the idea of going out on a date makes your stomach squirm, then you get a reprieve. It’s only been one week since my break up, so I get to take a time out. As for the rest of you – how long has it been since your last date? If it’s been a while – then why aren’t you out there?

I know it’s a huge pain in the ass to date … but don’t you miss it? Are there any guys you have little crushes on? Could the feeling be mutual? Find out. Ask him. Put yourself out of your misery and just do it.

If you read my blog regularly you know I’m a huge advocate of women taking the plunge and asking men out, flat out

Here are a few little tid bits on asking men out.

1. Men love being asked out, it’s flattering.

2. (If they’re actually single) they rarely say “No.”

3. You seem confident and sexy.

4. You have nothing to lose. At the end of the day you know one way or another whether or not he likes you. Peace of mind is priceless.

5. Your gut is rarely wrong. If he’s been flirting with you or just smiling at you in the coffee shop, he’s probably into you. He’s giving you the green light.

6. Men are lazy when it comes to romance. They prefer it if we do the work – and that includes asking them out.

So I’m daring you all to ask someone out, a stranger, a friend or a crush…here’s how:

Find a common interest through conversation and then ask him if he’d like to join you the next time you go (insert activity here). Offer him your number (don’t get his). Then the ball is back in his court.

See? Easy as pie. Do it! It’s Spring! C’mon!

»So where are you going to find them? Read my Top Spots to Meet Men

Man wanted.

mssinglemama — Thu, 17 Apr 2008 20:49:00 +0000

If I were to write a personals ad here’s what it would say.

Dear Man.

I like you. I really do. I’m just trying to figure out why I need you. So if you want me (and I’m quite a catch) you’ll have to prove your worth.

In order for me to deem you valuable you must be able to:

1. Cook

2. Clean

3. Pamper

4. Love

5. Respect

6. Trust

7. Laugh

8. Intrigue

9. Provide

and…last but not least you must have…

10. A nice ass

Sincerely,

Ms. Single Mama