Single Mom | Single Mom Blog | Ms. Single Mama » single mothers

Better than vitamins.

mssinglemama — Thu, 30 Oct 2008 03:00:28 +0000

Things are busy – as always.

I just want you to know that I’m reading each and every one of your comments.

There are just so many that if I can’t respond to them all, I’d rather not respond to any. Is that crazy? But know this – I am reading each and every one and loving them all. More than loving, your comments are better than vitamins.

Especially in the Ultimate Single Mom Contest – the comments are absolutely amazing. If you haven’t left a comment yet, do it today because I’m drawing a name Thursday night for a free iHeartSingleParents t-shirt. I’ll announce the winner on Monday with a video. Benjamin will be pulling a name out of a hat.

I am also trying to find the time to make my next advice video (have to come up with a name for them, if you have any ideas, let me know). Over 400 of you have watched the first video on How to Get Over Your Ex so either, you’re all laughing at me or you like it – regardless, I’ll be making more… soon.

Back to the busy thing. Over the course of the past few months I have discovered more single mom blogs than I can count. There’s no way to tell for certain, but I think the single parent blogosphere is exploding.

Here are three new single mom bloggers you have to check out.

Each of these posts had me at hello. Seriously, get clicking.

Irascible Crayons says forgiveness is the best revenge. I couldn’t agree more. This post had me beaming and pumping my fist in the air. Fantastic.

Bad Mummy, No Cookie wrote a brutally honest piece recently on her habit of sleeping with men too soon. We’ve all been there and this piece captures those raw emotions.

And if anyone has ever said, “I’m sorry to hear that,” after you inform them that you are a single mother, read this post by Little Country Girl.

The man in the kitchen.

mssinglemama — Sun, 20 Jul 2008 20:10:41 +0000

My ex-husband has a little problem. He won’t let his girlfriend’s 7-year-old son call him Dad. As a result, our son, who he has for just 36 hours a week is now calling him by his first name too. He’s mimicking his psuedo step-brother. So what’s a jerky ex-husband to do?

“Why don’t you just let him call you Daddy?” I press, “He’s just a kid and you’re living with him.”

“He can call me Daddy if I’ve been there for five years, but not yet. I am not his father. He knows that.”

He’s walking around my kitchen – making coffee, grabbing snacks – pretending like its all his. The rant continues. His indifference to the children’s feelings is disgusting me. I escape to head upstairs where his girlfriend and her son are playing with Benjamin. We’d just met for the first time a few minutes ago.

She is standing over the boys who are completely immersed in the Thomas the Train set. She looks tired and run down, her wrinkles too deep for her age, her spirit vanquished and broken. After she became a single mom she started stripping and now, three years later she works at a Taco Bell. But despite our socioeconomic differences she and I are one in the same. We’ve both fallen in love with the man in the kitchen, a French-Canadian with a scarred past that’s left him unable to really love anyone, child or adult.

I can tell immediately that she doesn’t have my strength. He’s probably walking all over her – treating her like he wanted to treat me. But she has a son. I left our marriage just to avoid what she’s going through now.

“It’s so nice to finally meet you,” I say softly. I can tell she’s nervous. Who knows what he’s told her about me. ”So is he treating you well?” I ask. I don’t wait or beat around the bush. I know we don’t have much time and I’m concerned.

“He’s an asshole sometimes but for the most part he’s okay…I guess.”

“Well, I really hope you two are a better match than we were. But if he ever treats you badly don’t let him get away with it, okay?” And then I add, “Us single moms have to stick together, that’s all.”

For the first time she looks me in the eye and then she smiles. “Yeah – we do, don’t we?” The single motherhood code, an unspoken bond. We start sharing single mom war stories and then my ex breaks it up.

“We’ve got to go!”

They climb into his beat up Chevy cavalier. She sinks into the front seat. Then he stops and jumps out. “Do you have any Tylenol?”

“Yeah sure,” I hand him the pills.

He’s shaking his head, “That’s the thing with her, she pops 10 of these a day.”

What a jerk.

What if Benjamin turns out anything like his father? And why do I feel like I want to save her and her son? I know I can’t … can I? But moreover, after this experience and some other things too personal to write I’m wondering lately if Benjamin would be better off without his father in the picture at all.

Related posts you might like:

Caught on Tape: My ex, his girlfriend and my son? Nope. He’s just crying in the background.

Should I Leave My Husband?

Was it Really My Choice?

O’ Daddy Where Art Thou?

Who needs a husband anyway?

mssinglemama — Sun, 08 Jun 2008 03:09:59 +0000

The Census Bureau reports that half of the 60 million American women who are 45 and older are single.

In his News Day article, Peter Jackson writes that while many of the women are divorced or widowed others are “single by design.” He cites The New Single Woman, a book by E. Kay Trimberger, a professor emeritus of Women’s and Gender Studies at Sonoma State University in California.

Here’s a snippet from the article I found on SingleEdition.com:

She interviewed dozens of single women between the ages of 30 and 60 and found that most of them were leading happy and fulfilled lives. In many cases, they had been building a strong foundation that was not based on someday finding a partner.
“These women were doing all the things that were setting themselves up for a satisfying life,” Trimberger says. She says the older women seemed especially content. Some of the younger women were still wrestling with concerns about whether to have children.

No mention of single moms, but I’m sure the book addresses us …

We’ve already got the kids…so, if we are able to financially support ourselves and our kids – why should we bother getting married again? I know there are so many of us single moms struggling financially but there are more and more women who are able to provide for their families solo. Historically speaking, it’s a first.

And as part of this, living it on the front lines, I find it fascinating.

In the past single moms have been cast aside, forgotten or ignored … but now there are more of us than ever and we are creating warm, nurturing, stable homes for our little ones – all on our own. And, yes, while the ideal “family unit” includes a mother and a father who love and respect each other – I do not believe that, if I stay single forever, Benjamin will be at a disadvantage or as some have put it, “messed up”.

Read this comment left by Chem under my post, Want Men to Start Falling From the Sky?:

My parents were married for a few years. Most of my childhood was myself and three other siblings being raised by a single mother.
For years I drew my strength from my single mother, who put us four girls through college and graduate school. I saw myself as invincible, if she could do it alone with the four of us….I could do anything.

P.S. If you do need tips on becoming financially independent visit Fabulous Financials, an amazing blog by a single mom.

If you like this post here are some more on this topic:

Will our kids be worse off?

I love being a single mom

Married people are weird

[Photo Credit: Bangkok Counseling]

Can single moms have married friends?

mssinglemama — Tue, 08 Apr 2008 01:38:32 +0000

Benjamin had his first swimming lesson on Sunday. Despite my extreme hang over, we got in the car with our little beach bag filled with one pair of tiny swim trunks, swimming diapers, towels and flip flops.

We pulled into the parking garage and another car pulls up next to ours and out emerges the perfect married couple and their son, just a few months younger than Benjamin. He was clutching a towel.

“Are you guys going to the swimming lessons too?” Yep, they chimed. We chatted the entire way there. They were just as excited as I was to see their little boy in his first class of any kind. It was a long walk so the conversation quickly switched to small talk about our toddlers.

The boy’s mother said, “he calls his dad ‘honey’ because I call him ‘honey.’ It’s so cute.” Wow, I thought. Wow. Their world is completely alien to mine. And then I dropped the single mom bomb – not really on purpose but just because I think it’s funny and it was the only way I could relate – “Benjamin calls me ‘Alaina’ because we spent the first year at my mom’s after I left my husband.”

Silence.

Then a quick recovery by moi as I changed the subject. We all made our way to the pool, laughing and playing with the boys.

There were married couples everywhere. And then there was me. The only single mom, walking around in a damn bikini (yes, I’m a rookie at this stuff). I didn’t even care though because I was SO excited about Benjamin’s first time in a real class. And when the director called out his name along with all of the other kids in his class I nearly burst into tears with pride. My little guy! In a class! HOLY Sh*T!

My married stranger friends were assigned to a different side of the pool. So we were seperated. And then as soon as Benjamin and I got in the water he started freaking out. Not because of the water, he loves the water. But this water…was chilly. Not cool for the B-man.

He was crying and clutching me the entire time. The class was so stupid anyway. We all danced in a circle singing ring around the rosie, blew water bubbles, did some kicks and floats and then it was over. And that’s when I jumped out of the pool to get him warm in the dressing room.

Anyway, I didn’t get a chance to say good-bye to my married stranger friends.

But next week we’ll see them again…so should I ask the mom if she’d like to hang out or have a play date? How do you make friends with strangers the old-fashioned way? I don’t even know. I’m such a weirdo. I’m just young too…a young single mom. Not easy when it comes to very “adult” social situations. Until now I made all of my friends in bars or at parties. And my other question is this:

Is it possible for us single moms to be friends with married couples?

I have plenty of married girlfriends but they were my friends before they tied the knot. And I don’t see them very often. Not sure if it’s because they’re coupled up and don’t venture out much or if it’s because I just don’t have that much in common with them.

Am I way off base here? Do you have married friends?

[Photo Credit: Penkridge, England, 1920's Married Couple]

Momma Cum Laude’s daughter is here!!!

mssinglemama — Sat, 29 Mar 2008 13:40:33 +0000

She’s a college student and now (officially) a single mom. Momma Cum Laude has been blogging about her pregnancy, her fears, her joys and her doubts in her daughter’s absent father for a few months now.

And today little Anna was born. She’s 8 lbs, 1 oz and 20 1/4 inches long. So pop over and wish her the best.

There is nothing, absolutely nothing, in this world that’s harder than caring for a newborn. Well, maybe fighting in a war zone. But seriously, during the first few weeks after Benjamin made his little debut I felt like I was in a war zone. So hats off to you Momma Cum Laude…we are all sending you calming vibes and hoping you’re getting some sleep. Remember, sleep deprivation is a form of torture. So if you feel like you might absolutely lose your mind…that’s normal.

The best piece of advice I can give you: ask for help if you can. Don’t be too proud. I made that mistake and still do…

Thomas rocks and Momma Cum Laude could be in labor…

She’s pregnant. Should she tell the father?

mssinglemama — Sat, 01 Mar 2008 01:48:47 +0000

It’s a question so perplexing they’ve made movies about it … most recently “Knocked Up,” which I think is completely unrealistic. Laughable really.

What are the odds that a man who you’re not even in love with would miraculously become your knight in shining armor? If the main character would have ended up alone – would that really have been such a tragic ending? On the contrary, I think it would have been a story of strength. The strength to realize that staying with someone just because you’re pregnant may actually be the wrong one.

Claudia just commented on my “I LOVE Being a Single Mom” post with this question:

“Does anyone on this site have the issue of contemplating whether to tell the father of the baby that you are expecting? I am in that situation right now and am torn whether to tell him.
In the end this is a very selfish society, mostly men’s selfishness and no consideration for the feelings of anyone. Very controlling, but if I do tell the father, it will be me controlling the situation. His excuse for not being with me, dating, bars, meeting friends and family has been that he has to take care of things such as college and his new career. So I would be causing him more stress and things to worry about. Or would I? Would he be so selfish that he as some men never contact me nor the child? Should I care what he thinks?“

Unfortunately we humans haven’t developed psychic powers yet and most single moms (like myself) are in situations where we are constantly torn about whether or not the father should be in the picture.

Take my situation for example, I would kill for Benjamin’s father to be more involved. Our door has always, always been open for him to spend more time with his son. But for two years he never asks for extra time or calls to check in. His ambivalence often makes me wonder if he even really wants to be a father…or if he just feels obligated to stay near us. And of course, I wonder if an ambivalent father is better or worse than no father at all.

But I can not push him out of Benjamin’s life deliberately – not yet anyway. Not for intangible causes. Not because he “just doesn’t seem to care.” That would be crazy, right? The questions are always there…always. And none of us absolutely know the answers. So on that note…

My feelings are that she should tell him. It sounds like his life is on the fast track … but he does have a right to know.

Yes it might “ruin” his life – but life is hard. And eventually he might realize that being a parent is one of the most miraculous things we humble humans get to experience. If he doesn’t care and ignores Claudia and her child – he’ll still be obligated to pay child support, which I’m sure she’ll need. And if he is a fantastic father – than better still.

Guys- what do you think? Single Mamas – what should she do?

[Photo credit: http://www.motherhoodsonogram.com/]

Celebrity Single Mom of the Month? Moi?

mssinglemama — Fri, 29 Feb 2008 13:44:08 +0000

You may have noticed in my Polka Dot Love comment thread…but apparantly I’ve been named the Celebrity Single Mom of the Month. I was so flattered! Anyway – the blog is a great spot to keep up with all of our celebrity counter parts.

For example, I just found out that Angelina is pregnant with twins!!! Is that true? That means there’s a good chance they’ll have a son!! A little Brad Pitt.

My favorite celebrity single mom is Kate Hudson…who’s your favorite celebrity single mom?

Other posts you may like:

[Photo: People Magazine]

Two new single mama bloggers you have to meet.

mssinglemama — Tue, 19 Feb 2008 21:55:54 +0000

Two new single mama bloggers have captured my heart so I thought introductions were in order.

Meet Mommy Pie

If you like my blog – you’ll love Mommy Pie’s. She’s my kindred blogging spirit. I’ve been hooked since day one keeping up with her and little MP, a precocious and spirited little girl who sounds like she could give Benjamin a run for his money. She’s a bit of a cynic, like yours truly, and definitely loves being a single mom. Pay her site a visit and prepare to be hooked.

Meet Momma Cum Laude

A pregnant single mom, Momma Cum Laude, just started her blog a few days ago. She’s 35 weeks pregnant and the baby’s father is involved but not emotionally supportive. Well…so far, he’s not. But time will tell. We’ll just have to keep up as her story unfolds. I became a single mom just four months after Benjamin was born and I thought that was tough!I can’t imagine going through the delivery and those first few months alone. Kudos to you Momma Cum Laude! And we’ll be reading and thinking of you.

So there you have it – two new single mom blogs I’m hooked to already. Can’t wait to read more ladies!

Getting over it.

mssinglemama — Tue, 12 Feb 2008 17:39:01 +0000

My best friend is still trying to move on from a rough break up…and she’s a single mom. I’m running out of advice for her … and feel like a broken wheel. “It will just take time, you’ll be okay, he was a jerk anyway.” But in the here and now she’s hurting. And I’m running out of comforting words. I thought it might be nice to get some fresh perspectives – like yours!

We are all single mothers. And that means we’ve all dealt with a failed relationship or two. How do you cope? Are there any ways to make the pain go away a bit faster? How long do you wait to start dating again?And some more random thoughts on the subject:

Doesn’t it suck when you get used to having someone around – and then poof – they’re gone. Then you have to re-adjust to your 100% solo life again. This is why I, personally, try my hardest to keep relationships at bay. My goal – to balance having a man in my life without actually changing my life or getting too “comfortable.” Why? Because we can’t really rush into relationships anymore. If we do – we could get hurt and so could our children. Sigh. The old single mom dating conundrum is rearing it’s ugly head for my friend and I both this week.

Please, do dish your thoughts.

Will he call? On asking men out…flat out.

mssinglemama — Fri, 01 Feb 2008 18:34:02 +0000

Rachel Sarah (Single Mom Seeking), has had quite a few very, very interesting posts this week. She was wondering if she should seek out a date for Valentine’s Day. It’s been a year of pure singleness for Rachel after a painful break up.

I suggested she ask a man out. Why not? We single moms have to take matters into our own hands and when it comes to dating – that means picking up men. Seriously – asking them out, flat out.

So – she followed my advice and the advice of all of her readers – and did it. She asked a guy out! Now she’s waiting to see if he’ll call…get the details here...very exciting stuff! And read my comments in her posts for more on how this method has worked for me in the past.

Have you ever done it? I have always advocated this … as you can read in some of my former posts. Why? Because men rarely ask women out. And if we do it – we are automatically a million times sexier because we are “confident, assertive” women who want them. They just love it. Once you realize the power you have when it comes to men you’ll be forever changed. Besides – it’s just fun.