Funny how little I care after seeing him in that much pain. Glad it’s gone. Sayonara dead tooth. Too bad though. Especially after all of the hard work Benjamin put into getting them in the first place… here is teething at 5-months…

And still… gnawing at 8 months.

Not sure when they finally came in. I didn’t have this blog, no journal – everything was moving so quickly. Sucks. But I took a lot of pictures.

These two are from the first year at mom’s. Can’t remember the details of the days as much as I can the feelings that surrounded them. Work. More work. Love. Laughter. Heartache. Work again. Frustration. Anger. Rinse and repeat. And then a release… I adapted.

At least, I like to think that I have. We shall see… have you adapted to single motherhood yet?

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The Census Bureau reports that half of the 60 million American women who are 45 and older are single.

In his News Day article, Peter Jackson writes that while many of the women are divorced or widowed others are “single by design.” He cites The New Single Woman, a book by E. Kay Trimberger, a professor emeritus of Women’s and Gender Studies at Sonoma State University in California.

Here’s a snippet from the article I found on SingleEdition.com:

She interviewed dozens of single women between the ages of 30 and 60 and found that most of them were leading happy and fulfilled lives. In many cases, they had been building a strong foundation that was not based on someday finding a partner.

“These women were doing all the things that were setting themselves up for a satisfying life,” Trimberger says. She says the older women seemed especially content. Some of the younger women were still wrestling with concerns about whether to have children.

No mention of single moms, but I’m sure the book addresses us …

We’ve already got the kids…so, if we are able to financially support ourselves and our kids – why should we bother getting married again? I know there are so many of us single moms struggling financially but there are more and more women who are able to provide for their families solo. Historically speaking, it’s a first.

And as part of this, living it on the front lines, I find it fascinating.

In the past single moms have been cast aside, forgotten or ignored … but now there are more of us than ever and we are creating warm, nurturing, stable homes for our little ones – all on our own. And, yes, while the ideal “family unit” includes a mother and a father who love and respect each other – I do not believe that, if I stay single forever, Benjamin will be at a disadvantage or as some have put it, “messed up”.

Read this comment left by Chem under my post, Want Men to Start Falling From the Sky?:

My parents were married for a few years. Most of my childhood was myself and three other siblings being raised by a single mother.

For years I drew my strength from my single mother, who put us four girls through college and graduate school. I saw myself as invincible, if she could do it alone with the four of us….I could do anything.

P.S. If you do need tips on becoming financially independent visit Fabulous Financials, an amazing blog by a single mom.

If you like this post here are some more on this topic:

Will our kids be worse off?

I love being a single mom

Married people are weird

[Photo Credit: Bangkok Counseling]

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It’s less than one month away from Christmas. I have yet to buy a single present. I don’t know how I’m going to manage to afford them, let alone have the time to actually shop for them.

I was giving Benjamin his bath tonight and started humming a Christmas carol. I can never remember the words to songs, I have always just been a hummer. So, I’m humming along, he’s smiling – beaming actually – he loves music. And then I stop. It hits me like a ton of bricks. It’s all on me. Not just the house, the groceries, the daily cleaning (which I hate), the dressing, the cooking…but also, the teaching, the knowledge, the culture, the little things.

With one parent missing in action it means I will have to fill in all of the gaps. It just makes sense – having two parents in the house naturally means the child will have more interaction, more conversations, hear more conversations and in general, learn a lot more about the world – right? Oh man. This is going to get even harder isn’t it?

That’s how I’m feeling today. Very overwhelmed. Every once in a while it catches up to me. After night after night, day after day or the same routine. Here’s my Monday-Friday routine if anyone is curious:

6:30-7:00 – wake up, depending on when Benjamin wakes up.

7:00-7:30 – breakfast, breakfast clean up

7:30-8:00 – get everyone dressed, pack up and head out

8:00-8:30 – drop Benjamin off at day care, drive to work.

8:30-5:00 – work

5:00-5:30 – pick Benjamin up from day care

5:30-6:30 – dinner and play time

6:30-7:00 – bath and pajama time

7:00-7:45 – bedtime

7:45-9:00 – clean the kitchen, laundry, take my shower

9:00 – 10:00 – me time

On top of it all – Benjamin’s father hasn’t shown up now in six weeks. Six weeks. He called and left a message this weekend saying he was trying to save up money for a new car, but that it could be a while. He was returning my call when he left that message. He never calls me to see how Benjamin is doing – not once actually in the past six weeks.

I am completely alone. Some single moms have parents nearby or other helpful relatives. I have no one. And now his father is even completely out of the picture. Sorry I’m feeling a bit down tonight. Ups, downs and the spins – it happens.

I heard a contest on a radio show the other day… a quiz question, “what do mothers daydream about the most?” I listened as the moms called in, “a maid,” said one, “sleep,” said another. I had to jump out of the car and didn’t hear the official answer. But it got me thinking – what do I daydream about the most? A vacation, definitely up there. But on the top of the list – finding a partner…someone who loves Benjamin and I more than anything in the world. A maid would be nice too. Come to think of it, a maid/nanny might do the trick. I do have a spare room. Hmmmm….I wonder if she could sing some Christmas carols.

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Being a single mom is tough. But like anything else in life – you get used to it. you adapt, you become stronger and you survive. You also have the power of love on your side – the love you feel for your child is stronger than anything you’ve ever felt – it compels you and drives you day in and day out.

This topic comes to mind today because it’s now the 7th day I’ve had to stay home from work because Benjamin is sick…again. First he had a bacterial infection (nasty cold), then a viral infection (high fever) and now conjunctivitis (pink eye). His father has yet to fix his car, so it’s now been four weeks since we’ve seen him. Keep in mind, other than my ex-husband, I have no one. No family in town. My best friend who’s also a single mom helps out often – but she works too.

It’s the day in and day out duties you assume that can catch up to you if you don’t surround yourself with friends. It’s why I usually have them over two or three nights a week. This way I save money on babysitting and get some healthy adult interaction.

I’ve already told you why I love being a single mom. And I would never have it any other way but today I need to vent about the downsides. Just need to blow some steam.

The toughest aspects of single motherhood:

1. It’s all on you. Everything. The groceries, the doctor’s appointments, the clothes shopping, the bills.
2. I haven’t slept in (for free) in 20 months. A few times I’ve paid a sitter to stay over night so I could sleep in…but by sleeping in I mean 8:00 a.m.
3. I have cleaned the kitchen every night, by myself, for 20 months.
4. I have done every load of laundry, every bathroom scrub down and cooked every meal.
5. I have to discipline him on my own.
6. He gets bored with me …this could all be in my head, but I just think if he had more than one parent around he would be a bit more entertained.
7. I can’t give him enough attention. As a single mom you have to make choices. Cook the kid’s dinner or play with him. Hmmm….food. This is just one example.

Okay, now I feel a bit better. And now looking at that list – it doesn’t seem so tough.

The hardest part of all is the idea that I am the only one, the only one who truly knows my son. But even that doesn’t sound harder than being married to his father – that was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Being miserably married is much harder than being a single mother – I can guarantee it.

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My new boyfriend and I decided to quit smoking – together. It’s the first time I’ve done something together, as a couple in years. Well, if you count my divorce, it’s been nearly a year. Knowing Saturday night was going to be a baby-free all-nighter we pick Sunday to go cold turkey. I’m scared. Scared to quit smoking and scared to enter into a verbal contract with someone – a commitment.

I started smoking the day I realized I was going to leave my husband. He had come home and said he’d been fired from yet another job and that he didn’t want to work again, that he wanted to be a stay at home dad. We didn’t have the money for this scenario and I insisted he go out and look for more work. He refused. At this point he was bailing on me and my baby – that’s when I knew it was completely over. I heard my neighbor walking through the driveway. It was Abby, a single mom. Her daughter was just three at the time.

“Abby? Is that you?” I asked over the fence.

“Ya,” she said. We’d only talked a few times here and there, nothing too in depth. We were just friendly neighbors. She was the single mom, I was the married mom with the newborn, supposed to be completely happy.

“I need to have a cigarrette, and you need to tell me what it’s like to be a single mom because I’m about to be one.” She came running into my yard.

“Oh my god. I’ll be right back.”

It was in this moment as she went on and on about the trials and tribulations but about how ultimately, it was the right thing to do, that I realized the bond single mothers have with each other. Perhaps because we are the only ones – the only ones – who truly understand what the other is going through.

Leaving him, moving back in with my mother and leaving my career was the single most challenging thing I’ve ever done – I needed friends and I chose cigarrettes. Now, one and a half years later, I’m back on my feet. Have my career back, have my real friends and my life back. I don’t need them anymore.

On Sunday morning we quit together, as promised. But then today, Monday, I head into work and feel awful. I actually feel like I’m going to get sick all over my desk. Am I pregant? Nope. Definitely not. Could it be the smoking? I Google it. Yep. Smoking cessation can cause nausea. Weird.

I make it until 5:00 pm and then I have one. I just can’t do this. I can’t go pick up Benjamin like this. This nausea has got to go. The cigarrette doesn’t help. I get home and take my temperature – it’s 101.1. Oh my god. I’m sick. I’ve been home from work nursing Benjamin for weeks, have missed six work days and now I’m sick.

I call Kris. “I cheated. I just couldn’t stand it. I can’t be this sick. I thought it was nausea from not smoking, but I’m just actually sick as hell.”

“Do you really want to quit or not?” He sounds disappointed. I try to defend myself.

“But, I’m a single working mom. Any kind of stress relief I can get is worth it. I can’t be in withdraw around Benjamin. And tonight, being so sick, I nearly broke down in tears.”

(I actually had broken down in tears but didn’t want to tell him this). He still sounds pissed. And he should be – I broke a promise. I call him back later, he apologizes for being “difficult” and I apologize for cheating.

“Do you want me to come over? I can make you some tea, cuddle you down.” He offers.

“Nope…maybe tomorrow night.” Step by step, I tell myself. I can quit smoking with someone, sleep with them, even become emotionally attached to them, but it will be a long, long time before I’m ready to actually ask a man for help. I just can’t. I should call Abby and ask her why.

(P.S., I never smoke around Benjamin or in the house, which is why I really want to quit – it’s getting cold out).

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