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Single Mom Question: We have chemistry, but…

mssinglemama — Fri, 10 Jun 2011 13:59:44 +0000

This one is from Jen, a single mom who has all of the chemistry a girl can dream of with man who is not financially responsible. Her question in a nutshell is – “We have this amazing chemistry, but what about his financial instability? Can I overlook that? And is this the last time I will have love?”

Sound familiar?

It does to me. My ex-husband was thrilling in the chemistry department, but soon all of that wore off when he couldn’t keep a job or a steady pay check. Dating a financially irresponsible man is one thing, it’s easy to overlook his situation but when you are legally bound and married – no way. Suddenly he loses a lot of his sex appeal. But, it is rare to find that kind of connection. The question is – what can you accept, what can you live with? If a financially irresponsible man isn’t a turn off, or if you don’t need a man for financial reasons at all (and if you don’t plan on marrying him) – why not?

This is a tough one.

Here’s Jen’s Single Mom dating question:

My “question” makes me think of a past relationship you wrote about…and lists. You wrote about a relationship where there were some things that you would not accept, and even though you appeared to have an amazing connection with this man, you ended it with him because he did one of these things. (Did that even make sense?)

I have a man that has been telling me he loves me for 2 years now. He says he loves, and wants to be involved with, my children, too. On some levels, he appears to have a lot to offer, but there are other things that scare me.

So, here I am with this physical attraction, good chemistry on all levels, (we can talk for 2 hours and it feels like 2 mins) but the guy hasn’t done his taxes in 5 years. Also, he struggles with some other things that don’t go along with my values. I’ve “broken up” with him twice…and he went off and dated other women, only to immediately break up with them when I showed interest again (which would happen when we ran into each other).

I think what is going on for me is that there are things that I DON’T feel good about, but I’m wondering if I should overlook them because here is someone that loves me, loves my kids, is a great kisser, great at communication and I am AFRAID that I am passing up the only time this will come along. But I am unsure about his ability to provide stability, and unsure if this is really what it appears to be.

Have you ever passed up someone that felt good on so many levels and made it through?

- Jen

What advice do you have for Jen? Leave yours in the comments.

Back up reading from my own blog:

Remember Kris? I wondered if we broke up if it was my last chance at love? We had chemistry, but not much in the way of companionship. Here’s the post.

And here’s my post on the Must Have Man List Jen references. For me, a solid financial situation and a stable job is now a must.

Single Mom Question: Why can’t I commit?

mssinglemama — Wed, 25 May 2011 11:02:07 +0000

I promised you a series devoted to your questions about being a dating single mom. And here is the first. This one is from April.

“I am so happy being a single mom that I find it hard to settle into a relationship.”

“I have been divorced for five years now and a single mother to two little girls. I have dated off and on during the past five years, but I find the longest I can maintain a relationship is around 2 months and then I start to lose the excitement, feel smothered and just keep thinking of how much happier I am with it just being me and my girls. There is nothing more liberating then knowing that you are on your own and can take care of yourself.

I was married for 9 years and was totally in love with my ex husband, but he cheated and that is why our relationship ended. I have healed and moved on and we have been able to maintain a friendly relationship for our girls. So, I don’t feel that it is if I am not over him, but I can’t find that spark that I had with him. I feel content with my single life. I do have thoughts from time to time of wishing that I could find prince charming again, but it just seems so much easier and less stressful to go it alone raising my girls. Is this normal? Does anybody else feel this way?”

My short answer.

I can relate. I think just about every single mom I’ve met has commitment issues. Why? I think there are a few reasons.

1). Because we have discovered that we can live happily ever after solo.

2). We haven’t found that “spark” and are holding out of that same fire we felt before.

3). Even though we may feel “over” a traumatic experience like losing a husband of nine years to cheating, there is still hurt there. We have found happiness and it seems so scary to risk ever feeling that hurt again.

So, yes, April – this is normal. What should you do about it? Keep dating. Because it’s fun! But from here on out don’t let the relationships make it to two months, eliminate them faster to make room for some of that spark.

What are your thoughts? Please comment and help April out. Do you find you have fears or commitment issues? And there is nothing wrong with just being a happy, solo single mom. Don’t ever force a relationship just because you think you “should have one.”

If you have a question of your own please e-mail it to me with the subject line: “Single Mom Question” to mssinglemama-at-gmail-dot-com.

Too Personal?

mssinglemama — Thu, 10 Feb 2011 03:32:33 +0000

I have no filter. I have also been told I have absolutely no poker face, although, ironically, I am pretty good at poker.

With the break up settling in and my single self completely and absolutely single again, I have been wondering what it will feel like to be on a date again. Or to actually be dating anyone again. Will I let it all fall out, all of my recent baggage? Will I turn him off with my stories or my emotions?

I know I’m not ready quite yet because I still can’t fathom it. Harder to fathom is making the time to actually go on a date or to emotionally prepare or react to them. How do us single moms find the time to date? I know I did in the past but now that it’s been so long I just don’t know how I will fit it in.

It took me five weeks to meet a guy up for a coffee date last Friday.

Five weeks.

Between Benjamin and work that’s how long it took for me to find 45 minutes, yes, a mere 45 minutes to meet up with Scott. I met him on New Year’s Eve in a thick daze and confused stumble at midnight to find someone to kiss. I’m very superstitious about kissing at midnight. So, with less than 10 seconds to spare I walked up to stranger Scott and asked him very matter of factly, “are you single?” When he said yes, I asked, “would you mind kissing me at midnight? For good luck.”

“Sure,” he said.

And that was that. Five seconds later we were kissing and my head was spinning and then… it’s all a post break up drunken blur. I don’t remember much at all about that moment or the rest of the night. I woke up the next morning relieved that a) I was alive and safe in my house and that b) Scott had been a total gentleman who did not in any way take advantage of the situation.

Because I had somehow ended up with his coat I agreed to have coffee with him. I also needed my first post engagement break up date. It may take me a while but baby steps are necessary for me. Life is my lesson, so I am always living it. So, with that in mind I went on a “just coffee and ‘thank you for not attacking me and leaving me in a dumpster on New Year’s Eve’ coffee date.”

Fortunately, for me, I have a good judge of character when I’m intoxicated. This is probably what Scott looked like that night. A bit out of focus, but smiling and sweet.

I was pleasantly surprised when I met him on Friday (sober) that he was super cute in focus as well.

I also found out that he is a single dad to a three year old girl, Annie. After we met he “looked me up” and found this blog. Inspired by my writing here he started his own blog called “Raising Annie” because he does have custody of her 75% of the time.

He’s totally together, has a fantastic job and an incredibly positive attitude. So…, because I am incapable of dating him, I give Scott to you. Go explore his blog and you can thank me later. (And hint, hint – read up on How to Ask a Guy Out here.)

P.S.

I also rarely find the time to drink and do not advocate single mamas getting sloshed in bars. I am very, very lucky to have happened across a nice guy like Scott. Please, please drink responsibly and in the company of friends.

A very good question.

mssinglemama — Tue, 11 Jan 2011 02:25:51 +0000

Had to pull out this fantastic comment from Sara to my last post.

“Does it bother you that John is probably reading all this right now? That’s the first thing I thought of when I read your post about the break up. Do you sometimes find yourself writing things in these past few posts for his benefit at all? Like so he sees how well Benjamin is doing or how “crazy” you are at the moment by things like checking out his facebook?”

When I first met John one of the things I loved about him was his understanding and appreciation of this blog and the audience. When a topic was in question, as to whether or not I should blog about it, he always asked, “Will it help them?” Them being, all of the other single moms.

If my answer was “yes”, I could write about whatever I wanted.

The thing I hold the most sacred about this blog is our relationship. You trust what I tell here is as accurate as I perceive it to be. Without that trust, if I were to use this blog to “get back” at someone or to make John’s skin crawl I would be losing your respect and his and Benjamin’s (eventually).

I would be guilty of manipulating the content to my own advantage and to spite or hurt someone. And, to me, that is the cardinal sin of blogging. Especially on this blog.

With that said, there are pieces to stories I have kept from you. John and I’s brief 12-hour break up in May, as an example. There are more stories you still don’t know about or will ever know about (many have to do with Benjamin’s father or our immediate family).

They’re just too personal and could, if told here, affect the outcome of the relationship.

Benjamin is doing well. If he were having issues during this break up, I would tell you. But he’s not. Quite the opposite, which, I believe is absolutely eye opening. And there’s nothing like seeing your child flourishing to reinforce the fact that this is the best outcome for all of us.

Makes getting over a break up a lot easier, too. This is a first for me. But happy kid trumps all else.

I was petrified of how Benjamin would react if John and I didn’t work out. That fear may have been influencing some of my decisions about the relationship, and maybe John’s. Perhaps we both injected too much pressure on the situation.

After Friday’s post–my anger post (that’s about as angry as you’ll see me). I called John to tell him I would be un-friending him on Facebook. And when he asked ‘why’, I let it all spill out. I went on a tangent that included topics like ‘walking away and starting over like nothing happened’, ‘getting to move on Scott-free’ and a bunch of other unnecessary and mean comments, but warranted.

As soon as it was out, I felt better. And in true John fashion he accepted it all and didn’t lash back. He reminded me that this is just as painful for him as it is for me and that this was about our relationship, not my being a single mom. And then I realized that no matter how hard I may try, I can’t hate John. Because he’s John. He’s a good guy. By the end we were talking to each other like old friends and agreed that it sucks for both of us but is clearly for the best.

I haven’t checked his Facebook status since, but I haven’t un-friended him either.

I hope that answers your question. Just know that I would never manipulate this blog’s content for my own good because this is for all of you, for us. The fact that some of my posts may help some of you conquer a few of life’s trials and tribulations is far more important that what John (or any other man) thinks of Benjamin and I.

And did I mention that I am feeling better and better every day? Now that the anger has been vanquished I feel calm and content again. A bit shaken up, but content. Turns out I also don’t need a man to be happy, but I do need my friends–and John (along with all of you) will continue to be among them.

The aftermath.

mssinglemama — Mon, 03 Jan 2011 02:31:31 +0000

It has been 9 days now. During each I have remained completely composed in front of Benjamin. I have been calm, engaged and present to play with him, talk to him and just be with him.

Tomorrow it’s back to school and work. To our new reality.

After I write this post I’ll be writing a note to Benjamin’s teachers explaining the situation.

The situation.

He left and I didn’t stop him.

He left after I trusted him with everything and believed, for the second time in my life, that it would be forever.

He left after promising to be Benjamin’s father.

But I didn’t stop him. And he had to leave because he knew in his heart it wasn’t right to stay, no matter how ill-timed his decision.

The shock has worn off and in its place there is anger mixed with a lovely peppering of fear and a dash of disdain. I am sure these emotions will pass. I just wonder what will be left in their place. I’m fearful that I’ll build up another wall, an even higher one this time, and never let another man around my child. I’m also thinking that I may be destined to be single forever. Relationships, clearly, don’t suit me. I love being single, why tamper with that? Why not just be happy and stay single this time?

Oh, men. Why are some of you so irresistible? Don’t answer that.

But seriously, not all of us find true love with another mate in life. I’m lucky enough to be madly in love with my work, with my own business and to have Benjamin. Do I really need a trifecta? The risk seems too great. I know, it’s still early but these are my thoughts.

—–

John stopped by this week for his official good-bye. Benjamin’s only question was, “will we still be able to play baseball?”

“Yes,” said John as he choked back tears, “we’ll still be able to play baseball. And I want you to take care of your Mommy. You’re the man of the house now.”

“Okay, Dad – I mean, John Bear.”

That’s the most heartbreaking of all for me. When Benjamin calls him Dad and then corrects himself. It happens about once a day. It’s all so fresh, John’s things are still here and some of his furniture. So when he’s jumping on the couch and I’m telling him to stop, “My Dad, I mean John Bear let’s me.”

Blindsided. Completely. I am just hoping the cosmos forgive my mistake and leave Benjamin unscathed. If any of you have been through this with a four year old before, I would appreciate any advice you may have.

With the exception of the last three months, Benjamin and I have always been living alone so he seems to be bouncing right back. And, I can’t tell if this will stick but he actually says he’s happy John Bear won’t be with us anymore. That surprised me, but now with the dust settling and my 20/20 hindsight creeping in I see an unhappy John trying to discipline Benjamin. And Benjamin wasn’t accepting it very well.

So, who knows – maybe everything will be okay.

It’s just too early to tell.

We have also had house guests this entire week. Awesome friends, aunts, uncles and one grandma. Plenty of company and a tremendous amount of love and support.

One thing I learned the first time I found myself alone with a child was this–always, always ask for help and ask for it often. Speaking of help, your response, my sweet readers and friends, has been absolutely off the charts. I can’t tell you how much every one of your comments has meant to me.

What would I do without all of you?

You’re like my cheering section and I feel like we’re all connected in this battle to re-define single motherhood. We’re modern single mothers and one thing is certain, our story has never been told this way before. And that is truly awesome.

No matter how it ends.

Co-Parenting and Mrs. Brady

Dad

mssinglemama — Thu, 02 Dec 2010 14:31:59 +0000

Shortly after we moved in together, into our new house and onto our new life, Benjamin started asking a lot of questions. Namely, “Does this mean John Bear is my Dad now?”

“Well, yes, he is your step-dad.”

As I’ve told you before, Benjamin was very quick to point out that technically John and I weren’t married yet, so that wasn’t possible. An idea, I believe he got from his step-brother and father. Wherever that seed came from, it was quickly thrown out by Benjamin’s logic. After all, his house now contained a mother and a father. Under the same roof.

If you’ve been reading my blog over the years, you know how much Benjamin has wanted this. So, during those first few weeks of living together Benjamin suddenly started calling John, “Dad” and “Daddy” or even “Father”. We didn’t make a big deal out of it, although, John was admittedly a bit thrown off by the sudden title. Totally understandable. It was even odd for my ears to swallow.

And then, he stopped. Benjamin went back to calling him John Bear. Fast forward to about two weeks ago after he returned from his monthly night at his father’s and Benjamin was back to “Dad” for John Bear.

Whenever he calls for him, it’s “Dad?” And whenever he sees him it’s, “Dad! Dad!”

And each time and every time, no matter where I am in the house, I can hear it and my heart skips a beat as I catch my breath waiting for John Bear to say, “Yes?” or “Hi, Goober!” or whatever his response is. And then I have to swallow the tears back down in my throat. This reaction I’m having will fade, I hope!, as I get used to the new title, but for now–I am still having a small case of disbelief at this new reality.

I want to let you in on this, to share with you a moment from a morning this week. Some mornings are better than others but on this particular morning everything was absolutely perfect. Benjamin was cooperating and marching off to the car, John Bear (as always) was fetching the car seat from his car and putting it in mine for the morning commute and I made a dash for my camera.

(Please try to look past poor Benjamin’s Lloyd Christmas hair cut. Poor kid.)

But just look at his face, looking at his Dad.

The entire time, he has his eyes on him.

John may not even notice it as much as I do, being the Mom and all – it’s much harder to miss.

And then I ask John to hold the camera for a second.

That’s a smile that I can’t seem to shake.

Having known from the start of his life that Benjamin’s father and I would not work out, having the courage to leave when he was just four months old and the bravery to make a decision on my child’s behalf has given me the ability now to see things so clearly and to imagine what it would have been like had I stayed. Something that seems as impossible now as it did then.

I knew what was best and I knew I had to make that leap into the unchartered sea of single motherhood.

But I can’t imagine what it would have been like had Benjamin been older and already calling someone “Dad”. I just can’t. That is unfathomable to me and for that, I know most of you experienced divorces with older children, I tip my hat to you and say that your strength is beyond my comprehension. You are a superhero. And don’t let anyone ever tell you otherwise.

Blast from the past posts:

Remember when Benjamin used to call every man on the street “Daddy?”

The Almost Step-Father

mssinglemama — Mon, 20 Sep 2010 02:21:51 +0000

Benjamin is in the bath splashing entirely too much and talking the entire time.

Tonight’s topic is our impending move. And the the most fascinating thing about the new house? Not his new room. Not the basketball hoop. Not even his new bunk bed.

No, the most fascinating thing is the fact that a man and his dog will actually be living with us… forever. I can’t say that I blame him. I’m a bit fascinated by it myself.

“But John Bear still won’t be my step-father, will he?”

What? This is a new one? His question snaps me out of my “just go to bed already” funk and I am bracing myself for question #2 before I’ve already answered question #1.

I fumble a bit and then muster, “Well, he’s not technically your step-dad but close.”

“So…” Benjamin takes a big pause and then looks back up at me with his eyebrows raised and reveals his logic, “that means I don’t really have to listen to him right?”

“No. You still have to listen to him,” I laugh. “He’s not your step-father yet but he’s your almost step-father.”

“But, you’re not even married yet. You have to marry him first, right?”

“Yes, yes, but that won’t be until May.”

“What is May?”

“A long way away. That’s what. But it will be here before you know it. Now out of the bath, Mister.”

“So, he’s still not my step-father?”

“No. But you still have to listen to him.”

I’m just an innocent bystander to this turf thing between John and Benjamin. The biggest help I can be to both of them is to a) not take sides and b) be there on the other end with tons of hugs.

P.S.

The John Bear discipline tact is this. No warning for misbehavior, immediate time out. Any kicking or fit throwing during time out and he takes away a box of Benjamin’s toys for a week. Works like a charm if you or your man would like to try it yourself.

The Wedding Dress

mssinglemama — Thu, 16 Sep 2010 01:34:27 +0000

My Mom and I stopped into a bridal boutique a few days after John and I’s engagement.

We were right there. So, why not?

I’m not by any means a wedding planning bridezilla. Quite the opposite I’m afraid. The very thought of planning another wedding, even though my first happened so quickly, makes me a bit queasy. What can I say? I’m just not that into weddings. But, I am into romance. And, I do understand and realize that even though this is my second wedding this is John Bear’s first.

With that in mind, one thing John and I agree on is that our wedding won’t be completely traditional. For starters, we are bypassing the whole sit down dinner thing to save money and also to save everyone the trouble of sitting with complete strangers and eating food that (typically) is well, you know… anyway, we would rather have our ceremony and then dive straight into the reception/party.

Our dream wedding scenario plays out like this.

Ceremony. Vows. Kiss. Tada!

Band kicks up (and we hired the most amazing, dance your ass off band).

And then… the party begins, everyone has a great time and takes a shuttle bus to the hotel just around the corner.

That’s the plan anyway. But I know as hard as I may try to keep things simple there will be a lot of planning, decorating and overall loveliness to create. I’m going to get into it, I will. But I won’t get caught up. After the year we’ve had I just want to relax in to the new house and let the wedding happen on its own.

So… as Mom and I walk into the store she says immediately upon seeing me gazing at a long, white dress, “Well, you can’t have a long dress.”

“What??! Why not?” My typical naive-self, I was completely ignorant to what she was implying.

“Well, because, this is your second time.”

I threw a bit of a fit and said, “Seriously? Really? You think that means I can’t wear a long, white dress?”

“I don’t know. What will people think?”

“What people, Mom?”

“You know, people.”

Uh-huh. People? And this coming from my mom, the most liberal woman you’ll ever meet. Smells fishy. Smells like some old rule her generation had. But does ours? So then I did some Googling and there are all kinds of sites devoted to planning your “second wedding” with tips on choosing your “second dress”. And yes, they all suggest that I wear something short or ivory.

Turns out… I do really, really like the shorter styles. They’re cute. They are practical and they are less expensive. Besides, as Miranda said in Sex and the City – “The gig is up!” But above all, I could dance in a shorter dress.

I’ve asked John Bear and he, in his usual John Bear fashion, says he just wants me to be happy and to wear what I want.

Now your turn. What do you all think about this second wedding dress issue.

8 Days

mssinglemama — Sun, 12 Sep 2010 17:38:54 +0000

Eight days of semi-single momdom left.

I know I’m not entirely a single mom anymore, having a man around and all. A deeply considerate and helpful man at that. But still, in eight days that door will be permanently shut, right now it’s swinging back and forth a bit and there’s a crack of light shining through.

In eight days we’ll be officially moving on to our lives with a John Bear and a Murphy Dog in the picture. And what could be finer?

Dreams do come true.

But this is just one of the dreams I had. The first was to escape my first marriage, the second to recover financially and emotionally and the third was to find satisfaction and happiness solo, without a man around at all.

Between packing and working John and I are stealing moments to ourselves and as the move draws closer and closer, I’m feeling more and more – dare I say it – butterflies in my stomach. I feel like I’m more in love with him now than I ever have been at any other time in our relationship. This pragmatic, lead weight love just grows on you – better and better as you pass each milestone together, especially the stressful and harrowing ones that have you both at your worst and your best in simultaneous moments.

Anyhow.

Happiness abounds right now and I have to admit, I’m not quite sure what to make of this. I owe most of the credit to John Bear for leading the way and sticking with me even when I tried my hardest to push him away.

When I did he would say, “I’m not sure that you know what love means, but I’m going to show you.” Then he would add, “And, I’m not going anywhere.”

At first I reacted to these statements with fear, shutting down and closing him off and out. But then, slowly but surely, my reaction of fear turned into acceptance. I let him happen. I let us happen.

He was right. I didn’t know what love was, but now I do. And oh my gosh, is it worth the growing pains it took to get here.

I may be a bit quiet over the next few weeks during this move. But I’ll be posting lots of pictures and fun from our chaos. In the meantime and make sure you enter to win a free t-shirt from Homage.

Ms. Published Mama? Pinch me, now.

mssinglemama — Tue, 07 Sep 2010 02:18:06 +0000

Something has happened again. Something I was not expecting in the least.

You all know about our soon to be brilliant and dare I say, ground breaking, Single Mom’s Manifesto.

I’m working on my first entry, assembling the mailing list and also am trying to figure out a way to make sure my return address is always, always on the envelope just in case one of the three books ends up at an address one of you have moved from. The Manifesto could be out in snail mail land for 6 months, so if you are planning on moving – please, let me know so I can send it to your first or remove you from the list.

So, back to the unexpected.

After I bought the Manifesto notebooks I noticed this blog post featuring a new, local publishing group. I don’t believe in coincidences and as many of you suggested, the Manifesto would be brilliant published. Like a Post Secret for single moms. Anyway, I reached out to James and Lori and we set up a meeting. When I arrived they agreed that the Manifesto could indeed be a success but they’d been reading my blog and impressed with what they found, they were curious– could they read a copy of my eBook?

Most of you don’t know this but my eBook, Ms. Single Mama Uncensored, is a bit of a sore subject for me.

After spending six straight weeks writing Uncensored–very few of you actually bought and downloaded a copy. To date, I’ve only sold around 300 copies. But, I’ve sold three times as many necklaces. Go figure. My mamas like things in the flesh, including their books. I can’t say that I blame you. I don’t have a Kindle or an iPad. After a day online the last thing I want to do is read online. In fact, one of my favorite things in life is curling up in bed with a new book.

But rather than shopping the book to a publisher, in spite of John Bear urging me to, I buried it along with the 6 weeks I’d lost into my Lesson Learned closet.

But now, here were publishers wanting to read a copy.

“My eBook?” I said, surprised. “Sure, why not?”

I gave them a download and went my merry way.

Less than 24 hours later, they e-mailed asking for another meeting. As soon as I arrived James, a 28-year-old single guy, told me, “I started your book and by page 30 I was hooked. I couldn’t put it down until I finished it and I can’t say that about very many books. And I’m clearly not a single mom.”

Lori said the same. She also couldn’t put it down and read it in one sitting.

This was a first.

I have read compliments on Uncensored from many of you, but to hear it from two live people sitting in the flesh before me, neither of them single mothers… well, you can imagine my face. My mouth was hanging open a bit, my cheeks were flushed and I didn’t know if should believe them or poke them to see if they were real. They couldn’t want to…

“We want to publish your book,” said Lori.

“And we think,” said James, “that it is going to be very, very well-received.”

Their enthusiasm was hard to deny and the book, thanks to my six weeks last summer, is very nearly ready to be published.

“This book,” added Lori, “fills a need. There aren’t many voices like yours out there.” We went back and forth for about 45 minutes. Me with lots of question and Lori and James answering them all without wavering in their conviction that my eBook would and could be a success.

“Okay, let me digest all of this and I’ll have to talk to John Bear.”

“Take your time,” they said. And so the discussing began.

——-

After several talks, largely centered around John’s chief concern–our family’s privacy, namely the privacy of our children (existing and imaginary future children)–we decided that yes, we should publish the book. As for privacy, the title of my eBook, Ms. Single Mama Uncensored: Dating, Sex and Love, is going to change to something that will be suitable on our living room book shelf and as for the content, it’s nothing I wouldn’t let my daughter read as soon as she hit her dating age.

So…

by this Christmas you should all be able to buy my book.

Woah.

I can’t even say that last sentence out loud.