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Single Mom Question: We have chemistry, but…

mssinglemama — Fri, 10 Jun 2011 13:59:44 +0000

This one is from Jen, a single mom who has all of the chemistry a girl can dream of with man who is not financially responsible. Her question in a nutshell is – “We have this amazing chemistry, but what about his financial instability? Can I overlook that? And is this the last time I will have love?”

Sound familiar?

It does to me. My ex-husband was thrilling in the chemistry department, but soon all of that wore off when he couldn’t keep a job or a steady pay check. Dating a financially irresponsible man is one thing, it’s easy to overlook his situation but when you are legally bound and married – no way. Suddenly he loses a lot of his sex appeal. But, it is rare to find that kind of connection. The question is – what can you accept, what can you live with? If a financially irresponsible man isn’t a turn off, or if you don’t need a man for financial reasons at all (and if you don’t plan on marrying him) – why not?

This is a tough one.

Here’s Jen’s Single Mom dating question:

My “question” makes me think of a past relationship you wrote about…and lists. You wrote about a relationship where there were some things that you would not accept, and even though you appeared to have an amazing connection with this man, you ended it with him because he did one of these things. (Did that even make sense?)

I have a man that has been telling me he loves me for 2 years now. He says he loves, and wants to be involved with, my children, too. On some levels, he appears to have a lot to offer, but there are other things that scare me.

So, here I am with this physical attraction, good chemistry on all levels, (we can talk for 2 hours and it feels like 2 mins) but the guy hasn’t done his taxes in 5 years. Also, he struggles with some other things that don’t go along with my values. I’ve “broken up” with him twice…and he went off and dated other women, only to immediately break up with them when I showed interest again (which would happen when we ran into each other).

I think what is going on for me is that there are things that I DON’T feel good about, but I’m wondering if I should overlook them because here is someone that loves me, loves my kids, is a great kisser, great at communication and I am AFRAID that I am passing up the only time this will come along. But I am unsure about his ability to provide stability, and unsure if this is really what it appears to be.

Have you ever passed up someone that felt good on so many levels and made it through?

- Jen

What advice do you have for Jen? Leave yours in the comments.

Back up reading from my own blog:

Remember Kris? I wondered if we broke up if it was my last chance at love? We had chemistry, but not much in the way of companionship. Here’s the post.

And here’s my post on the Must Have Man List Jen references. For me, a solid financial situation and a stable job is now a must.

Single Mom Question: Why can’t I commit?

mssinglemama — Wed, 25 May 2011 11:02:07 +0000

I promised you a series devoted to your questions about being a dating single mom. And here is the first. This one is from April.

“I am so happy being a single mom that I find it hard to settle into a relationship.”

“I have been divorced for five years now and a single mother to two little girls. I have dated off and on during the past five years, but I find the longest I can maintain a relationship is around 2 months and then I start to lose the excitement, feel smothered and just keep thinking of how much happier I am with it just being me and my girls. There is nothing more liberating then knowing that you are on your own and can take care of yourself.

I was married for 9 years and was totally in love with my ex husband, but he cheated and that is why our relationship ended. I have healed and moved on and we have been able to maintain a friendly relationship for our girls. So, I don’t feel that it is if I am not over him, but I can’t find that spark that I had with him. I feel content with my single life. I do have thoughts from time to time of wishing that I could find prince charming again, but it just seems so much easier and less stressful to go it alone raising my girls. Is this normal? Does anybody else feel this way?”

My short answer.

I can relate. I think just about every single mom I’ve met has commitment issues. Why? I think there are a few reasons.

1). Because we have discovered that we can live happily ever after solo.

2). We haven’t found that “spark” and are holding out of that same fire we felt before.

3). Even though we may feel “over” a traumatic experience like losing a husband of nine years to cheating, there is still hurt there. We have found happiness and it seems so scary to risk ever feeling that hurt again.

So, yes, April – this is normal. What should you do about it? Keep dating. Because it’s fun! But from here on out don’t let the relationships make it to two months, eliminate them faster to make room for some of that spark.

What are your thoughts? Please comment and help April out. Do you find you have fears or commitment issues? And there is nothing wrong with just being a happy, solo single mom. Don’t ever force a relationship just because you think you “should have one.”

If you have a question of your own please e-mail it to me with the subject line: “Single Mom Question” to mssinglemama-at-gmail-dot-com.

8 Days

mssinglemama — Sun, 12 Sep 2010 17:38:54 +0000

Eight days of semi-single momdom left.

I know I’m not entirely a single mom anymore, having a man around and all. A deeply considerate and helpful man at that. But still, in eight days that door will be permanently shut, right now it’s swinging back and forth a bit and there’s a crack of light shining through.

In eight days we’ll be officially moving on to our lives with a John Bear and a Murphy Dog in the picture. And what could be finer?

Dreams do come true.

But this is just one of the dreams I had. The first was to escape my first marriage, the second to recover financially and emotionally and the third was to find satisfaction and happiness solo, without a man around at all.

Between packing and working John and I are stealing moments to ourselves and as the move draws closer and closer, I’m feeling more and more – dare I say it – butterflies in my stomach. I feel like I’m more in love with him now than I ever have been at any other time in our relationship. This pragmatic, lead weight love just grows on you – better and better as you pass each milestone together, especially the stressful and harrowing ones that have you both at your worst and your best in simultaneous moments.

Anyhow.

Happiness abounds right now and I have to admit, I’m not quite sure what to make of this. I owe most of the credit to John Bear for leading the way and sticking with me even when I tried my hardest to push him away.

When I did he would say, “I’m not sure that you know what love means, but I’m going to show you.” Then he would add, “And, I’m not going anywhere.”

At first I reacted to these statements with fear, shutting down and closing him off and out. But then, slowly but surely, my reaction of fear turned into acceptance. I let him happen. I let us happen.

He was right. I didn’t know what love was, but now I do. And oh my gosh, is it worth the growing pains it took to get here.

I may be a bit quiet over the next few weeks during this move. But I’ll be posting lots of pictures and fun from our chaos. In the meantime and make sure you enter to win a free t-shirt from Homage.

Ms. Published Mama? Pinch me, now.

mssinglemama — Tue, 07 Sep 2010 02:18:06 +0000

Something has happened again. Something I was not expecting in the least.

You all know about our soon to be brilliant and dare I say, ground breaking, Single Mom’s Manifesto.

I’m working on my first entry, assembling the mailing list and also am trying to figure out a way to make sure my return address is always, always on the envelope just in case one of the three books ends up at an address one of you have moved from. The Manifesto could be out in snail mail land for 6 months, so if you are planning on moving – please, let me know so I can send it to your first or remove you from the list.

So, back to the unexpected.

After I bought the Manifesto notebooks I noticed this blog post featuring a new, local publishing group. I don’t believe in coincidences and as many of you suggested, the Manifesto would be brilliant published. Like a Post Secret for single moms. Anyway, I reached out to James and Lori and we set up a meeting. When I arrived they agreed that the Manifesto could indeed be a success but they’d been reading my blog and impressed with what they found, they were curious– could they read a copy of my eBook?

Most of you don’t know this but my eBook, Ms. Single Mama Uncensored, is a bit of a sore subject for me.

After spending six straight weeks writing Uncensored–very few of you actually bought and downloaded a copy. To date, I’ve only sold around 300 copies. But, I’ve sold three times as many necklaces. Go figure. My mamas like things in the flesh, including their books. I can’t say that I blame you. I don’t have a Kindle or an iPad. After a day online the last thing I want to do is read online. In fact, one of my favorite things in life is curling up in bed with a new book.

But rather than shopping the book to a publisher, in spite of John Bear urging me to, I buried it along with the 6 weeks I’d lost into my Lesson Learned closet.

But now, here were publishers wanting to read a copy.

“My eBook?” I said, surprised. “Sure, why not?”

I gave them a download and went my merry way.

Less than 24 hours later, they e-mailed asking for another meeting. As soon as I arrived James, a 28-year-old single guy, told me, “I started your book and by page 30 I was hooked. I couldn’t put it down until I finished it and I can’t say that about very many books. And I’m clearly not a single mom.”

Lori said the same. She also couldn’t put it down and read it in one sitting.

This was a first.

I have read compliments on Uncensored from many of you, but to hear it from two live people sitting in the flesh before me, neither of them single mothers… well, you can imagine my face. My mouth was hanging open a bit, my cheeks were flushed and I didn’t know if should believe them or poke them to see if they were real. They couldn’t want to…

“We want to publish your book,” said Lori.

“And we think,” said James, “that it is going to be very, very well-received.”

Their enthusiasm was hard to deny and the book, thanks to my six weeks last summer, is very nearly ready to be published.

“This book,” added Lori, “fills a need. There aren’t many voices like yours out there.” We went back and forth for about 45 minutes. Me with lots of question and Lori and James answering them all without wavering in their conviction that my eBook would and could be a success.

“Okay, let me digest all of this and I’ll have to talk to John Bear.”

“Take your time,” they said. And so the discussing began.

——-

After several talks, largely centered around John’s chief concern–our family’s privacy, namely the privacy of our children (existing and imaginary future children)–we decided that yes, we should publish the book. As for privacy, the title of my eBook, Ms. Single Mama Uncensored: Dating, Sex and Love, is going to change to something that will be suitable on our living room book shelf and as for the content, it’s nothing I wouldn’t let my daughter read as soon as she hit her dating age.

So…

by this Christmas you should all be able to buy my book.

Woah.

I can’t even say that last sentence out loud.

Searching for a crystal ball

mssinglemama — Wed, 01 Sep 2010 23:04:32 +0000

I know I have some readers who are children of single moms.

You’ve said you’re here because I fill in holes, blanks from your childhood or at least, give you an idea of what your mother went through. A question for you–what if this was your mother’s blog? Would it be too much? Are there some things you’d rather not know?

I don’t hold much back, especially in my eBook. There is so much here and even more there detailing my dating and my relationships as a single mom. But there are also posts like this one and this one that I will definitely want him to read. So, I’m wondering–would this blog and everything that comes with be too much? Or would it answer questions for you?

I need honest, insightful and constructive thoughts. Not hatred. If you take issue with single motherhood and women who decide to move on with their lives in the way of dating–that is a discussion for another post, or maybe a Bill O’Reilly messageboard.

I am weighing a decision and your feedback will help me so much. Thanks in advance.

—–

P.S. The Single Mom Manifesto books (there will be several) have been created. I’ll share pictures and more details very soon. I can’t wait to set them free.

Woman’s Day

mssinglemama — Tue, 06 Jul 2010 14:27:58 +0000

My essay is out. Find it in the August issue of Woman’s Day. Pick one up the old-fashioned way or read it online.

I’m a bit partial to the print version and while reading the last few paragraph’s out loud to John Bear in the car as soon as I found my copy, I actually choked up on these lines, “as for my son Benjamin, he is now a beaming, breathtaking little 4-year-old who has more wonder, curiosity and happiness in his heart than I ever imagined anyone could contain. And fear, as it turns out, is not a word in his vocabulary. Or in mine.”

The tremble in my throat and tears in my eyes caught both of us off guard.

“Are you crying?” He asked.

“I guess.”

“It’s okay, but why?”

“Because, it’s just so surreal. Benjamin and I have come so far.”

We have and so will you single mamas, unless you have already! And in that case, the congratulations is yours as well.

I have been incredibly touched and overwhelmed by the number of e-mails coming in from Woman’s Day readers. Some of you are unhappily married mothers, soon to be single moms; others have just left your husbands and are trying to find your way.

I am trying my best to respond to each e-mail but if I miss yours, please visit my Single Moms forum and post your questions there. My existing community of single moms would love to offer their take on your situation.

And thanks to all of you for joining us.

No related posts.

Name Your Fear and Win

mssinglemama — Fri, 30 Apr 2010 14:06:43 +0000

Fear is a real bitch.

And it’s been a while since I’ve addressed the unique fears that come for single moms dating.

Our fears, unfortunately, tend to control our dating lives for the first year as we regain our footing. But then, if you’re like me, we slowly gain control – recognizing a pattern. The next step is to break our habit of choosing the wrong men for the wrong reasons, which is just about as challenging as quitting smoking. But, for many of us single moms, driven by the love of our children and the vow to never “let that happen again” we take our new found freedom as a chance to re-discover our true selves.

Who are you without him?

Who are you without a man at all?

And what fear is keeping you from trusting in yourself to find someone good and true? And then the kicker – before you can find him you have to find yourself. You have to learn how to be happy alone and then you will find that there is really nothing to fear.

The answers are yours to find but, trust me, they’re worth the chase.

The topic of fear is on my mind because I’m putting the final touches on an essay on the subject for Woman’s Day magazine. (Find my piece in the August issue).

Now it’s your turn…

Name your fear and win.

The prize.

One of the new Antiqued New Leaf Bronze Necklaces and a copy of Ms. Single Mama Uncensored.

The challenge.

What is your greatest fear as a dating single mom? And how do you plan on conquering said fear? Leave a comment answering the above and you’ll be entered to win. I will be choosing the winner at random.

The deadline.

Deadline to comment is Monday, May 3 at Midnight (EST).

Want more? There’s plenty of Single Mom Dating advice in this complete archive of my single mom dating posts. They’ll be really helpful if you’re just now discovering my blog or dipping your toe into the big, bad dating world.

P.S.

Benjamin and I are in Chicago visiting our awesome cousins Terri and Larry. Pictures when I get back but I’ll be tweeting my adventures, so keep up here.

How Do I Get Over My Ex?

mssinglemama — Thu, 16 Oct 2008 01:53:32 +0000

Ask and you shall receive.

Here’s the first question. A few days ago I discovered askejean.com and was inspired (but she answered her questions in less than one minute). Bear with me… because this shit ain’t easy.

Related posts:

Apocalypse Now?

mssinglemama — Thu, 09 Oct 2008 04:26:02 +0000

Or will it be next month?

Feels like it’s only a matter of time.

My little sister called me from the bar she works at in Virginia. Dave Matthews pops up every once in a while, it’s a hot spot.

“No one is here. It’s weird.” She says, her voice echoing amidst the empty tables and chairs. She and her husband are going to Iceland for a vacation next week. A country that is on the brink of filing for bankruptcy.

“I know.” I’ve got nothing to say that will make her feel better, “It’s happening isn’t it?” We can’t make it here anymore.

People aren’t shopping, aren’t eating out – freezing all spending. The government and us.

I went to a concert tonight. Death Cab for Cutie. Amazing.The band and the crowd. Everyone happy and satisfied. Places to sleep, jobs, food, beer. I’m hoping I’m wrong. That they’re wrong. But what if they’re not? No one really knows. And as a single mother, whose child support amounts to four percent of her income, I’m feeling very primal about dating right now.

Do I need a man?

Maybe.

Do I want a man?

Maybe.

I may need a man to punch some son-of-the-bitch in his face if he tries to steal my son’s food but I may want a man to tell me everything is going to be okay.

Anyone else feeling this way?

P.S.

This does not mean I’m going to hunt a man down just to serve up these requests – believe me – I’m not sold on the whole husband or man idea by any means. We’ll just have to make a commune of single parents. Anyone own an island? Let’s start plotting.

In the meantime, I’m going to take a karate class or something.

Back up reading (to keep you up at night) Oryx and Crake by Margaret Atwood.

No related posts.

Must Love Kids: Tracy Paye Interview

mssinglemama — Fri, 18 Jul 2008 14:10:54 +0000

I still haven’t seen the new Must Love Kids show on TLC … my neighbor is recording it for me, so this weekend I’ll catch it. Just had to pass this interview on in the meantime. Single mom, Tracy Paye is fantastic.

So what do you think about the forthcoming controversy Tracy expects as a fall out for introducing her 6-year-old daughter to the men on the show? I don’t want to say anything until I’ve seen the show but I do know that I love Tracy’s attitude – just another amazing single mom!

We are every where, I’m telling ya.