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Single Mom Question: We have chemistry, but…

mssinglemama — Fri, 10 Jun 2011 13:59:44 +0000

This one is from Jen, a single mom who has all of the chemistry a girl can dream of with man who is not financially responsible. Her question in a nutshell is – “We have this amazing chemistry, but what about his financial instability? Can I overlook that? And is this the last time I will have love?”

Sound familiar?

It does to me. My ex-husband was thrilling in the chemistry department, but soon all of that wore off when he couldn’t keep a job or a steady pay check. Dating a financially irresponsible man is one thing, it’s easy to overlook his situation but when you are legally bound and married – no way. Suddenly he loses a lot of his sex appeal. But, it is rare to find that kind of connection. The question is – what can you accept, what can you live with? If a financially irresponsible man isn’t a turn off, or if you don’t need a man for financial reasons at all (and if you don’t plan on marrying him) – why not?

This is a tough one.

Here’s Jen’s Single Mom dating question:

My “question” makes me think of a past relationship you wrote about…and lists. You wrote about a relationship where there were some things that you would not accept, and even though you appeared to have an amazing connection with this man, you ended it with him because he did one of these things. (Did that even make sense?)

I have a man that has been telling me he loves me for 2 years now. He says he loves, and wants to be involved with, my children, too. On some levels, he appears to have a lot to offer, but there are other things that scare me.

So, here I am with this physical attraction, good chemistry on all levels, (we can talk for 2 hours and it feels like 2 mins) but the guy hasn’t done his taxes in 5 years. Also, he struggles with some other things that don’t go along with my values. I’ve “broken up” with him twice…and he went off and dated other women, only to immediately break up with them when I showed interest again (which would happen when we ran into each other).

I think what is going on for me is that there are things that I DON’T feel good about, but I’m wondering if I should overlook them because here is someone that loves me, loves my kids, is a great kisser, great at communication and I am AFRAID that I am passing up the only time this will come along. But I am unsure about his ability to provide stability, and unsure if this is really what it appears to be.

Have you ever passed up someone that felt good on so many levels and made it through?

- Jen

What advice do you have for Jen? Leave yours in the comments.

Back up reading from my own blog:

Remember Kris? I wondered if we broke up if it was my last chance at love? We had chemistry, but not much in the way of companionship. Here’s the post.

And here’s my post on the Must Have Man List Jen references. For me, a solid financial situation and a stable job is now a must.

A line of b.s.

mssinglemama — Mon, 28 Feb 2011 21:44:51 +0000

I have a confession.

When I am single. (And sometimes when I’m in a relationship). I check the Craigslist Personals.

I’m not sure why. I have never, ever found a listing that even remotely appeals to me. And yet, I go back. I think it’s because the Craigslist Personals terrify me and totally crack me up simultaneously. I can’t say the same for any other form of entertainment.

This weekend, I hopped on and found this ad:

Come fly with me – seeking beautiful travel companion – 63 (Far away places).
Nice looking, energetic, DWM, planning many trips over next few years while it lasts. Dubai, Brazil, Thailand, Panama, Fiji, Tahiti, South Africa among the known destinations. Where do you want to go?

I sent it to my Mom. Just because… why not? And largely because I wanted to read her response, which was simply:

Sounds like a line of bs – Mom.

My mother won’t let anyone take her photograph. You have to be sneaky with the camera if you want to capture a glimpse of her.

This weekend, Benjamin was particularly testy when I picked him up at her house. After spending a week away from home he was exhausted and discombobulated. With Benjamin whining and crying in the back seat, I slipped behind the wheel bracing myself for the ride home when my mother came bursting out of her front door. Wrapped in a blanket and with a scarf over her head for added effect she ran up along side the moving car and shouted, “I’ll race you to the top!”

The top being the top of her never ending drive way.

Nothing like a running grandma to snap a kid out of a funk.

Especially when she is headed right for you.

I know wherever my Dad is, he must be missing her like crazy.

She talks about him all of the time. Still, twelve years later. I can’t imagine her pain or pretend to imagine. But, in spite of that pain, I tell her she is lucky. Lucky because even though her love was mercifully ripped away–she did have it. I am 31 years old and I haven’t even come close to what they had. But I want. I do. I am a hopeless romantic. As evidenced by me falling time and time again for men.

I witnessed Mom and Dad’s love first hand. All five of my siblings and I had front row seats to their crazy attraction to each other and their impenetrable partnership. It could be one of the reasons why I fall so hopelessly into relationships. I have seen what’s possible and I want it… quickly. But as my Mom always reminds me, “You weren’t there during the first seven years. What you saw took years and years of work.”

That’s the part I can’t seem to understand. How do you tell when it’s too much work? John always said, “it should be this much work.” But, I disagreed with him. I felt what we had been through, what we had survived together was a testament to our relationship. I’d like to know your thoughts on relationships and work, knowing that so many of you have had the strength to call the game when you know enough was enough.

A Man Moratorium

mssinglemama — Fri, 14 Jan 2011 02:59:52 +0000

Something odd is happening.

This break up is like none I have ever experienced before.

I am sad. Sure. But I’m not broken. In the past I felt ripped apart, wide open and I wanted to fill it–as quickly as possible–with someone or something else. But not this time.

And here’s the really weird part, I have no interest in dating or even thinking about other men. Correction. I have no interest in dating or even thinking about a relationship with another man.

If you thought I was jaded before… well, I’m afraid I am now doubly so. Although “jaded” may not be the right term. How about even more independent than I was before? Even less interested in bringing a man into this party? Ever. Again.

I know. I know.

It’s still early. Nearly one month now – can you believe that?

Is this normal? Am I supposed to feel relieved? Like John and I narrowly missed a miserable marriage and that I narrowly missed a second divorce?

And my mother, in addition to several of my friends, have decided that I am now on a man moratorium. They are cutting me off. Enough is enough. I have lost my relationship card after one too many complete oversights in the love department.

How long do you think my moratorium should last? I’m all for it… but I like goals and sticking to commitments. So tell me–how long? One more month? Two? Six? One year? Or how about this? I will go on a man moratorium until I meet someone worth breaking it for. But – that may not work, because that relies on my judgment, which is out of whack.

Sigh.

I think clearly, the moratorium will remain in full effect indefinitely.

No related posts.

8 Days

mssinglemama — Sun, 12 Sep 2010 17:38:54 +0000

Eight days of semi-single momdom left.

I know I’m not entirely a single mom anymore, having a man around and all. A deeply considerate and helpful man at that. But still, in eight days that door will be permanently shut, right now it’s swinging back and forth a bit and there’s a crack of light shining through.

In eight days we’ll be officially moving on to our lives with a John Bear and a Murphy Dog in the picture. And what could be finer?

Dreams do come true.

But this is just one of the dreams I had. The first was to escape my first marriage, the second to recover financially and emotionally and the third was to find satisfaction and happiness solo, without a man around at all.

Between packing and working John and I are stealing moments to ourselves and as the move draws closer and closer, I’m feeling more and more – dare I say it – butterflies in my stomach. I feel like I’m more in love with him now than I ever have been at any other time in our relationship. This pragmatic, lead weight love just grows on you – better and better as you pass each milestone together, especially the stressful and harrowing ones that have you both at your worst and your best in simultaneous moments.

Anyhow.

Happiness abounds right now and I have to admit, I’m not quite sure what to make of this. I owe most of the credit to John Bear for leading the way and sticking with me even when I tried my hardest to push him away.

When I did he would say, “I’m not sure that you know what love means, but I’m going to show you.” Then he would add, “And, I’m not going anywhere.”

At first I reacted to these statements with fear, shutting down and closing him off and out. But then, slowly but surely, my reaction of fear turned into acceptance. I let him happen. I let us happen.

He was right. I didn’t know what love was, but now I do. And oh my gosh, is it worth the growing pains it took to get here.

I may be a bit quiet over the next few weeks during this move. But I’ll be posting lots of pictures and fun from our chaos. In the meantime and make sure you enter to win a free t-shirt from Homage.

Single Mom Dating Tips, Part 5

mssinglemama — Fri, 12 Mar 2010 16:47:55 +0000

Introducing Him to the Kids

I know it’s been a while since I’ve offered up a around of single mom dating tips, but here is a fresh batch. The subject? Introducing or not introducing men to your children.

First, a few real-life single mom dating experiences. In both cases, each single mom did what she felt was right at the time. We can’t hold them responsible or judge them for their actions. We are all learning as we go… dating as a single mom is by far the hardest and most misunderstood experience mothers can have. But we can learn from each other.

Single Mom Dating Scenario 1

She bides her time, listens to her ultra-protectionist mama gut and waits 9 months to introduce the man she’s dating to her toddler. She introduces him only after she’s certain they’ll be together forever and have fallen completely and totally in love. Did her patience pay off?

At first, yes. Everything is going so well that they all move in together three months after the introductions. Four weeks later her boyfriend, likely caving under the stress of what I’ll call Sudden Toddler Exposure, jets. He leaves. Completely and totally leaves and she hasn’t heard from him since.

Single Mom Dating Scenario 2

She doesn’t wait. Knowing instantly that he is the one. She brings the man into their lives, introduces him to her 6-year-old and then – because he lives out of town – allows him to practically (but not really) move in.

Things are going very well, they’re both living in the La La Land of Love and then – boom – something doesn’t feel right. They are fighting constantly (the child is seeing the fights) and it all ends a few weeks later in a nasty break-up.

To avoid the above Single Mom Dating Scenarios…

1. If you are seriously interested in a man it is completely fine to introduce him to the kids.

Guess what? Your kids are – like 50% of their friends – from a two parent household, or a one parent household. But still, this is a new day and age. Being tied up or hung up on putting your kid in a therapy chair could cause them more harm than good.

And besides, do you really know a man if you can’t gauge his behavior and interaction with your children. This is something us moms can read in just a few hours at the park or ice cream parlor. No need for moving him in or inviting him over for dinner every night. Just slowly introduce them. One outing a week to ease them in and then slowly increase exposure.

BUT.

Do not move too fast. At all. Take your time.

John and I have been dating for 10 months but even when he does come over – it’s just before Benjamin’s bed time and when Benjamin wakes up in the morning – he’s gone, having woken up between 5:00am – 6:00am to get out of the house. This is something John does on his own. He never complains or whines. He just does it. I can tell you, it’s very helpful to be with a man who puts Benjamin first – always. Helps to keep me in line as well, because I’m definitely not as strong as I seem.

2. Ease him into father-like responsibilities.

I learned this the hard way with Kris. But, to my advantage, now remember that lesson every day with John. If you are dating a single dad I’m sure it’s a different story, but with a childless guy you have to keep your boundaries. Even 10 months in. John is incredibly helpful but he has yet to experience the real routine of my single mom life, every day, all day, over and over again from breakfast to dinner.

Why? Why not expose him to that? Because 1) it’s not his responsibility 2) we need this time to grow our relationship and build a foundation 3) it’s too much pressure to throw someone immediately into fatherhood, remember we had nine months to get used to the idea + the age of our child/children. If you’ve been reading my blog for a while, you’ve surely caught on and played witness to my slip ups on this and then re-centering. But, all in all, I think we are moving at just the right pace for all of us.

3. Escape from the kids (whenever humanly possible).

John and I have every other weekend alone. Usually I hide away in his apartment and lounge on his couch, eating fudge pops and watching TV. We do leave to go out with friends, dinner or for a quick shopping trip. But it’s so nice to just do next to nothing and enjoy each other. The routine sets me back on house cleaning and I play catch up all week, but it’s worth every minute. I want to give him that… just me, sans Benjamin.

This weekend we’re taking off for Ann Arbor to visit my great uncle and my great aunt. My great uncle’s sister, my grandmother was also a single mom. But in the 1950′s. Can you imagine? She raised four boys with the help of her World War 1 widowed mother and never re-married.

Although, the story goes – that she used to go ball room dancing every weekend…

4. Don’t forget about YOU.

This is the hardest one for me. Between my quickly growing search engine optimization and social marketing firm, my son and my boyfriend there is little time for me to just be. So I force myself to go for walks at lunch. I say no “a lot.” And I LOVE my work, so that helps. Being at work, working on what I love counts as being good to myself (on most days). Right?

The point is that you have to manage your stress. Good luck with that one (I know it’s the hardest).

>>> Read all of my past Single Mom Dating Tips posts for more.

>>> Check out also all of these dating sites

Overdue

mssinglemama — Sun, 15 Nov 2009 22:24:38 +0000

This weekend – the first of Benjamin’s “every other” weekends with his father – John Bear and I had two nights and one full day of long overdue us time.

We haven’t had a weekend solo since our trip to the Poconos and New York City in August… and given all of the stress I’ve been under lately with the new job, the family drama, Benjamin’s new school and life in general I wasn’t sure if I’d be able to mellow out enough to just enjoy him.

But I did. And we did – enjoy each other. Immensely. For 36 hours.

Being with my boyfriend, not as a mother and a girlfriend but just as a girlfriend, is hard to describe – but it’s one of those things any mother can appreciate, tapping into your inner-girlfriend. It’s essential to our survival.

I haven’t had time to label them yet, but check out my Fall 2009 Photo Album for a ton of new pictures from this weekend. Start here with this photo, to see the most recent. [We were in Cleveland - John Bear's hometown and my new favorite spot on Earth - love that city. If you live there let me know.]