I have no filter. I have also been told I have absolutely no poker face, although, ironically, I am pretty good at poker.

With the break up settling in and my single self completely and absolutely single again, I have been wondering what it will feel like to be on a date again. Or to actually be dating anyone again. Will I let it all fall out, all of my recent baggage? Will I turn him off with my stories or my emotions?

I know I’m not ready quite yet because I still can’t fathom it. Harder to fathom is making the time to actually go on a date or to emotionally prepare or react to them. How do us single moms find the time to date? I know I did in the past but now that it’s been so long I just don’t know how I will fit it in.

It took me five weeks to meet a guy up for a coffee date last Friday.

Five weeks.

Between Benjamin and work that’s how long it took for me to find 45 minutes, yes, a mere 45 minutes to meet up with Scott. I met him on New Year’s Eve in a thick daze and confused stumble at midnight to find someone to kiss. I’m very superstitious about kissing at midnight. So, with less than 10 seconds to spare I walked up to stranger Scott and asked him very matter of factly, “are you single?” When he said yes, I asked, “would you mind kissing me at midnight? For good luck.”

“Sure,” he said.

And that was that. Five seconds later we were kissing and my head was spinning and then… it’s all a post break up drunken blur. I don’t remember much at all about that moment or the rest of the night. I woke up the next morning relieved that a) I was alive and safe in my house and that b) Scott had been a total gentleman who did not in any way take advantage of the situation.

Because I had somehow ended up with his coat I agreed to have coffee with him. I also needed my first post engagement break up date. It may take me a while but baby steps are necessary for me. Life is my lesson, so I am always living it. So, with that in mind I went on a “just coffee and ‘thank you for not attacking me and leaving me in a dumpster on New Year’s Eve’ coffee date.”

Fortunately, for me, I have a good judge of character when I’m intoxicated. This is probably what Scott looked like that night. A bit out of focus, but smiling and sweet.

I was pleasantly surprised when I met him on Friday (sober) that he was super cute in focus as well.

I also found out that he is a single dad to a three year old girl, Annie. After we met he “looked me up” and found this blog. Inspired by my writing here he started his own blog called “Raising Annie” because he does have custody of her 75% of the time.

He’s totally together, has a fantastic job and an incredibly positive attitude. So…, because I am incapable of dating him, I give Scott to you. Go explore his blog and you can thank me later. (And hint, hint – read up on How to Ask a Guy Out here.)

P.S.

I also rarely find the time to drink and do not advocate single mamas getting sloshed in bars. I am very, very lucky to have happened across a nice guy like Scott. Please, please drink responsibly and in the company of friends.

Related posts:

1. Toddler-free (for one week?)
2. A Single Mom’s Guide to Finding a Manperson
3. Go pick a man up. I dare you!

Phew. Just saying that makes me nervous.

Single mom or not, first dates can be pressure cookers.

When I was 12-years-old I rode my bike to my first date… my first date — ever. I had spent the entire week fantasizing about what it would be like, wondering if he would try to kiss me or tell me he wanted to take me to a party.

Funny how little I’ve changed.

It’s a girl thing, I suppose. We just want some kind of magical moment. Usually all it takes to create one of these moments is a dash of physical chemistry, a splash of attentive listening, and then a long gaze with a soft smile and an assertive phrase like, “I’d love to see you again” or “I’m so happy I met you.”

That usually gets us.

Oh, and always walk us to our door but do not invite yourself in. For the guys, here’s an article from AskMen.com on Successful First Dates, read the part about the difference between assertiveness and aggression.

That very first date of mine ended with a giddy bike ride home. In my mind our putt putt golf session had been amazing. I can’t even think of why. Maybe because he smiled at me a few times and actually stayed to play. I was a dork by the way. A huge dork.

He never called and because he went to a different school – the reason I got the date in the first place – I never saw him again. My next real date wouldn’t come until I was 15 and living in an entirely different state. [No pity for the dork thing please - it was good for me, gave me some back bone at an early age].

So back to Tuesday’s date … now as a woman and a single mom, dates are still just as simple but the inner dork of mine is incredibly freaked out.

Honestly, I’ve had very few “formal” dinner dates before. My first dates in the recent past have been casual bar meet-ups or group dates. So this is new territory and I’m a bit fuzzy on those pesky rules.

I did some research and aside from some really, really bad articles on first dates  I found this video on VideoJug.com. And although it’s quite freaky to hear a man talk about a first date like it’s a scientific experiment, he does make some interesting points. One of which is that guys must pick up the check, absolutely must, if they have any interest in the woman. If not, let her split it, but don’t expect to see her again. And if the woman insists on splitting, she’s not interested in anything past friendship – again, very true.

The big “no, no” in this video and everywhere else is talking about the ex. That won’t be a problem. Ancient history. But other first date experts say not to talk about your kids.  I understand that when we date the childless we can’t gush too much about the kids on the first date, but I will be talking about Benjamin – it would be impossible not to. His existence affects every aspect of my life. And he’s one of my life’s greatest achievements. I’m not going to muffle myself when it comes to my son. If he comes up, he comes up.

There’s also something the video dude calls the “rule of least interest” – whoever appears to be least interested has the upper hand. How can you fake being uninterested in someone?

If I’m interested the guy knows. I’m not going to get all crazy on his ass and send him presents or light up his phone – but I’ll make it clear that I’d like to see him again.

My conclusion? I’m just going to forget about all of the advice, the stupid rules and just be me, just like I was when I was twelve. A click is a click and if it’s not there, you can’t force it no matter how many rules you try to follow. But I’ll be taking mental notes because clearly someone needs to make a good first date video for single parents. :   )

So what are your first date pointers? Have you been on one since becoming a single mom? Any horror stories or good ones?

P.S. And no, I have no idea what I’m going to wear. But it will have to be dressy because he picked a nice restaurant.

P.P.S. Yes, I’m completely freaked that just writing about this is going to jinx the date but – to hell with it – this is good material. But God forbid he finds this blog before I can tell him about it.

Related posts:

1. Would you date yourself?
2. I want to date – but I can’t.
3. Date night.

He was my first post-divorce boyfriend and the first man to get me onto a Harley…

___________

It took him months to convince me to do it. I’m not sure which scared me more – him or the Harley

“C’mon, do you think I’d ever let anything happen to you? And you’re gonna love it!”

He saw something in me that I couldn’t see. And every time he looked at me, I felt alive again.

We met on my mother’s gravel road. Just weeks beforehand Benjamin and I had been in my posh little urban neighborhood. Now we were completely alone in the woods. Even the sounds were quiet. Wild birds, big zipping bugs and occasionally an animal walking through the forest.

We had come this way before, but this time we heard voices. Seconds later a pack of dogs leaped out of the bushes and ran straight toward the stroller. And then I heard his voice, “HEY! Get back! NOW!”

The dogs came to a stop, my 7-month-old’s head was in tact and standing in front of us was a man who looked like he could have squished any of my city boys into a tin can.

He had camoflauge pants on, a red bandana and his brown and blond beard hit right above his belly. So not my type.

“Sorry,” he said as he pulled the dogs back into his yard. I could see a camp fire through the brush and around it sat three older, greying men. I glanced at the drive way. Three bikes parked by the garage.

Bikers. Real bikers. Wow. When he invited us to stop by any time I noticed his eyes – light crystal blue, soft and strong.

Soon we were coming by at least three or four nights a week. I needed to escape my mom’s house and the Biker needed some company. Each night we would linger, both unsure about how to ask each other out. The ink wasn’t dry on my divorce yet and he had been living alone in the woods for years. But despite his self-imposed isolation, a woman had found him. And he wanted me. Or maybe he just wanted me permanently affixed to his bike or in his kitchen, serving him and loving him forever and ever. I couldn’t really tell.

Three months later, I finally agreed to jump on the back of his Harley for our first date. I sprinted up the hill like a giddy teenager. I could hear his engine reving up and just seconds later there he was.

I stood still staring at him, not sure what to do. He smiled and then started laughing.

“What are you waiting for? I’m not going to bite.”

I climbed on the back. And then he just took off. I shrieked a little and then grabbed him tight. We rode past my mother’s house and then over the ridge.

“Look! Look at the sunset!” He screamed over the bike’s roar. I had already noticed it. The clouds were a deep pink and read against a bright blue sky. I lost my breath. Went it came back, I nestled my cheek against his back and inhaled his scent – musky, like the woods that surrounded us. He was free and finally, so was I.

In that moment this city girl fell in love with dirty bikers.

[Photo: A picture of a sunset on the same road a few nights later]

Related posts:

1. My birthday confessional.