Single Mom | Single Mom Blog | Ms. Single Mama » Single mom dating

On Mountains and Dumping that Dude

mssinglemama — Tue, 05 Jul 2011 17:36:38 +0000

My camera is not cooperating. I can’t upload a single photo from Montana. My iPhoto keeps crashing, maybe because I took so many?

These pictures from Uncle Ez will do until then. Couldn’t wait to share this one…

The mountain and the lake, Swiftcurrent Lake, were just outside of our hotel – the Many Glacier Hotel – which you can see in the background of this picture.

Absolutely incredible.

How many of you have managed to take trips solo with the little ones? And how much do you love being single in the summer? Isn’t it awesome? Cheers to that. Relationships and men are such a pain sometimes.

Sometimes…

So, why do we put up with them (sometimes)?

I was just having this discussion over the weekend with some new friends. And John Bear was never a pain in the a__ - just to make that perfectly clear. I am talking now about a list of women I know personally or professionally who are incredibly successful, beautiful and intelligent but who stay with colossal jerks who are bad for them emotionally and financially.

Why?

Does it boil down to a fear that you can’t do any better? Because believe me, Mamas, you can. There are so many amazing, attractive and financially stable drug-free men out there who also treat women well.

Just wanted to remind you of that. And will you please, the Mamas who have found a good man, leave a comment? To share your story and your positive experience with leaving the bad for the good?

If you are on the fence about staying with or leaving a man ask yourself this question? Do you want your son to turn out like him? Do you want your daughter to marry someone like him?

Boom. There’s your answer.

The end (again)

mssinglemama — Wed, 15 Jun 2011 22:21:24 +0000

Trust must come before love and love can’t survive without trust.

I felt absolutely certain I could love him again. I tried to forget. I felt that I could conquer the past. But I couldn’t. And something was missing. The trust? The original love we had? I wasn’t sure, but being so unsure, standing on such shaky ground was enough. I was even having nightmares about him breaking up with me again, telling me “this just wasn’t working.” I would wake up in a terrible mood and try to explain, but he couldn’t calm my fears. His words weren’t enough.

This time the end was my decision and it came after weeks and weeks of silent thoughts in my head. I tried to share them with him, but realized that I had to either a) accept the past and completely move on in order to love him as he loved us or b) end the relationship because I owed that much to all three of us.

In the end the voices and the dreams won and John and I’s relationship lost.

Benjamin is spending this week at his father’s, next week in Montana with me, and then another week at his father’s. I haven’t told him yet, but this entire time John has been re-introduced as a “friend” only. I’m confident all three of us will survive and be just fine.

It won’t be easy being a 100% single mom again, but managing a relationship on top of everything else seemed more challenging at times than operating solo. So, for now, I’m retiring my hat on relationships for a while and just focusing on the relationship that matters most – my relationship with Benjamin. And I’m incredibly happy about that. We’re right were we need to be. There’s no sense in fixing something that isn’t broken.

I’m sorry I have been so silent lately, but now you know why. Please don’t lose faith in relationships or recovering broken relationships. There is hope, I just wasn’t strong enough to overcome the past and at the end of the day John and I’s foundation was not strong enough.

Single Mom Question: We have chemistry, but…

mssinglemama — Fri, 10 Jun 2011 13:59:44 +0000

This one is from Jen, a single mom who has all of the chemistry a girl can dream of with man who is not financially responsible. Her question in a nutshell is – “We have this amazing chemistry, but what about his financial instability? Can I overlook that? And is this the last time I will have love?”

Sound familiar?

It does to me. My ex-husband was thrilling in the chemistry department, but soon all of that wore off when he couldn’t keep a job or a steady pay check. Dating a financially irresponsible man is one thing, it’s easy to overlook his situation but when you are legally bound and married – no way. Suddenly he loses a lot of his sex appeal. But, it is rare to find that kind of connection. The question is – what can you accept, what can you live with? If a financially irresponsible man isn’t a turn off, or if you don’t need a man for financial reasons at all (and if you don’t plan on marrying him) – why not?

This is a tough one.

Here’s Jen’s Single Mom dating question:

My “question” makes me think of a past relationship you wrote about…and lists. You wrote about a relationship where there were some things that you would not accept, and even though you appeared to have an amazing connection with this man, you ended it with him because he did one of these things. (Did that even make sense?)

I have a man that has been telling me he loves me for 2 years now. He says he loves, and wants to be involved with, my children, too. On some levels, he appears to have a lot to offer, but there are other things that scare me.

So, here I am with this physical attraction, good chemistry on all levels, (we can talk for 2 hours and it feels like 2 mins) but the guy hasn’t done his taxes in 5 years. Also, he struggles with some other things that don’t go along with my values. I’ve “broken up” with him twice…and he went off and dated other women, only to immediately break up with them when I showed interest again (which would happen when we ran into each other).

I think what is going on for me is that there are things that I DON’T feel good about, but I’m wondering if I should overlook them because here is someone that loves me, loves my kids, is a great kisser, great at communication and I am AFRAID that I am passing up the only time this will come along. But I am unsure about his ability to provide stability, and unsure if this is really what it appears to be.

Have you ever passed up someone that felt good on so many levels and made it through?

- Jen

What advice do you have for Jen? Leave yours in the comments.

Back up reading from my own blog:

Remember Kris? I wondered if we broke up if it was my last chance at love? We had chemistry, but not much in the way of companionship. Here’s the post.

And here’s my post on the Must Have Man List Jen references. For me, a solid financial situation and a stable job is now a must.

Single Mom Question: Why can’t I commit?

mssinglemama — Wed, 25 May 2011 11:02:07 +0000

I promised you a series devoted to your questions about being a dating single mom. And here is the first. This one is from April.

“I am so happy being a single mom that I find it hard to settle into a relationship.”

“I have been divorced for five years now and a single mother to two little girls. I have dated off and on during the past five years, but I find the longest I can maintain a relationship is around 2 months and then I start to lose the excitement, feel smothered and just keep thinking of how much happier I am with it just being me and my girls. There is nothing more liberating then knowing that you are on your own and can take care of yourself.

I was married for 9 years and was totally in love with my ex husband, but he cheated and that is why our relationship ended. I have healed and moved on and we have been able to maintain a friendly relationship for our girls. So, I don’t feel that it is if I am not over him, but I can’t find that spark that I had with him. I feel content with my single life. I do have thoughts from time to time of wishing that I could find prince charming again, but it just seems so much easier and less stressful to go it alone raising my girls. Is this normal? Does anybody else feel this way?”

My short answer.

I can relate. I think just about every single mom I’ve met has commitment issues. Why? I think there are a few reasons.

1). Because we have discovered that we can live happily ever after solo.

2). We haven’t found that “spark” and are holding out of that same fire we felt before.

3). Even though we may feel “over” a traumatic experience like losing a husband of nine years to cheating, there is still hurt there. We have found happiness and it seems so scary to risk ever feeling that hurt again.

So, yes, April – this is normal. What should you do about it? Keep dating. Because it’s fun! But from here on out don’t let the relationships make it to two months, eliminate them faster to make room for some of that spark.

What are your thoughts? Please comment and help April out. Do you find you have fears or commitment issues? And there is nothing wrong with just being a happy, solo single mom. Don’t ever force a relationship just because you think you “should have one.”

If you have a question of your own please e-mail it to me with the subject line: “Single Mom Question” to mssinglemama-at-gmail-dot-com.

Too Personal?

mssinglemama — Thu, 10 Feb 2011 03:32:33 +0000

I have no filter. I have also been told I have absolutely no poker face, although, ironically, I am pretty good at poker.

With the break up settling in and my single self completely and absolutely single again, I have been wondering what it will feel like to be on a date again. Or to actually be dating anyone again. Will I let it all fall out, all of my recent baggage? Will I turn him off with my stories or my emotions?

I know I’m not ready quite yet because I still can’t fathom it. Harder to fathom is making the time to actually go on a date or to emotionally prepare or react to them. How do us single moms find the time to date? I know I did in the past but now that it’s been so long I just don’t know how I will fit it in.

It took me five weeks to meet a guy up for a coffee date last Friday.

Five weeks.

Between Benjamin and work that’s how long it took for me to find 45 minutes, yes, a mere 45 minutes to meet up with Scott. I met him on New Year’s Eve in a thick daze and confused stumble at midnight to find someone to kiss. I’m very superstitious about kissing at midnight. So, with less than 10 seconds to spare I walked up to stranger Scott and asked him very matter of factly, “are you single?” When he said yes, I asked, “would you mind kissing me at midnight? For good luck.”

“Sure,” he said.

And that was that. Five seconds later we were kissing and my head was spinning and then… it’s all a post break up drunken blur. I don’t remember much at all about that moment or the rest of the night. I woke up the next morning relieved that a) I was alive and safe in my house and that b) Scott had been a total gentleman who did not in any way take advantage of the situation.

Because I had somehow ended up with his coat I agreed to have coffee with him. I also needed my first post engagement break up date. It may take me a while but baby steps are necessary for me. Life is my lesson, so I am always living it. So, with that in mind I went on a “just coffee and ‘thank you for not attacking me and leaving me in a dumpster on New Year’s Eve’ coffee date.”

Fortunately, for me, I have a good judge of character when I’m intoxicated. This is probably what Scott looked like that night. A bit out of focus, but smiling and sweet.

I was pleasantly surprised when I met him on Friday (sober) that he was super cute in focus as well.

I also found out that he is a single dad to a three year old girl, Annie. After we met he “looked me up” and found this blog. Inspired by my writing here he started his own blog called “Raising Annie” because he does have custody of her 75% of the time.

He’s totally together, has a fantastic job and an incredibly positive attitude. So…, because I am incapable of dating him, I give Scott to you. Go explore his blog and you can thank me later. (And hint, hint – read up on How to Ask a Guy Out here.)

P.S.

I also rarely find the time to drink and do not advocate single mamas getting sloshed in bars. I am very, very lucky to have happened across a nice guy like Scott. Please, please drink responsibly and in the company of friends.

The aftermath.

mssinglemama — Mon, 03 Jan 2011 02:31:31 +0000

It has been 9 days now. During each I have remained completely composed in front of Benjamin. I have been calm, engaged and present to play with him, talk to him and just be with him.

Tomorrow it’s back to school and work. To our new reality.

After I write this post I’ll be writing a note to Benjamin’s teachers explaining the situation.

The situation.

He left and I didn’t stop him.

He left after I trusted him with everything and believed, for the second time in my life, that it would be forever.

He left after promising to be Benjamin’s father.

But I didn’t stop him. And he had to leave because he knew in his heart it wasn’t right to stay, no matter how ill-timed his decision.

The shock has worn off and in its place there is anger mixed with a lovely peppering of fear and a dash of disdain. I am sure these emotions will pass. I just wonder what will be left in their place. I’m fearful that I’ll build up another wall, an even higher one this time, and never let another man around my child. I’m also thinking that I may be destined to be single forever. Relationships, clearly, don’t suit me. I love being single, why tamper with that? Why not just be happy and stay single this time?

Oh, men. Why are some of you so irresistible? Don’t answer that.

But seriously, not all of us find true love with another mate in life. I’m lucky enough to be madly in love with my work, with my own business and to have Benjamin. Do I really need a trifecta? The risk seems too great. I know, it’s still early but these are my thoughts.

—–

John stopped by this week for his official good-bye. Benjamin’s only question was, “will we still be able to play baseball?”

“Yes,” said John as he choked back tears, “we’ll still be able to play baseball. And I want you to take care of your Mommy. You’re the man of the house now.”

“Okay, Dad – I mean, John Bear.”

That’s the most heartbreaking of all for me. When Benjamin calls him Dad and then corrects himself. It happens about once a day. It’s all so fresh, John’s things are still here and some of his furniture. So when he’s jumping on the couch and I’m telling him to stop, “My Dad, I mean John Bear let’s me.”

Blindsided. Completely. I am just hoping the cosmos forgive my mistake and leave Benjamin unscathed. If any of you have been through this with a four year old before, I would appreciate any advice you may have.

With the exception of the last three months, Benjamin and I have always been living alone so he seems to be bouncing right back. And, I can’t tell if this will stick but he actually says he’s happy John Bear won’t be with us anymore. That surprised me, but now with the dust settling and my 20/20 hindsight creeping in I see an unhappy John trying to discipline Benjamin. And Benjamin wasn’t accepting it very well.

So, who knows – maybe everything will be okay.

It’s just too early to tell.

We have also had house guests this entire week. Awesome friends, aunts, uncles and one grandma. Plenty of company and a tremendous amount of love and support.

One thing I learned the first time I found myself alone with a child was this–always, always ask for help and ask for it often. Speaking of help, your response, my sweet readers and friends, has been absolutely off the charts. I can’t tell you how much every one of your comments has meant to me.

What would I do without all of you?

You’re like my cheering section and I feel like we’re all connected in this battle to re-define single motherhood. We’re modern single mothers and one thing is certain, our story has never been told this way before. And that is truly awesome.

No matter how it ends.

Co-Parenting and Mrs. Brady

Single Mom Manifesto

mssinglemama — Mon, 16 Aug 2010 15:45:15 +0000

While basking in a few days off last week my mind went to wandering. Eventually I had a moment to sit and think about all of you and this blog, where it’s going and where it’s been; what it means to you and to me. I’ve been effectively avoiding the subject with myself, the subject of what to do with “Ms. Single Mama”, for months now. I dodge any hint of the topic in my head along with the high heels in my closet that I just can’t wear anymore. I am outgrowing my single ways and this blog but I’m not quite ready to let go.

When I started writing here I couldn’t find another place online or in the book store that I felt adequately described my life as a single mother–a working, career oriented, urban mom who definitely wanted an active dating life.

Soon, after writing and talking openly about single mom issues to acquaintances, strangers or work colleagues I noticed a trepidation, a quiet befell them when I brought up topics affecting my life. And then there were my encounters with other single mothers–I sensed the same quiet, was it a sense of shame? But why? Why would they be ashamed when in my eyes, we were so strong, ridiculously strong to have survived our bad marriages or relationships in order to fearlessly make a better life for our children?

I am aware that not every single mom fits that description, but many do–especially those I have met and now call friends.

The shame and quiet had to be broken and then this blog suddenly took on another mission. In addition to pouring my heart out with dating advice I now wanted to also kill that shame, I wanted to redefine single motherhood–to bring all of our laundry, most of it clean, out of the closet. The backlash wasn’t pretty. I’ve had and still endure a ridiculous amount of heinous hate mail but all of that is trumped by the happy mail, the notes from all of you–single moms, men dating single moms, children of single moms, single women, and even married moms.

This blog has made a small dent, but that’s something. And, if I were to ask you how you feel about single motherhood today compared to how you felt about single motherhood when you first became a single mom what would your answer be? To my my readers who were raised by single moms and to the men dating single moms–you are also included on that question.

Back to me relaxing and being flooded with ideas while on my mini-vacation. I thought it would be remarkable if we could share our thoughts with each other, our definitions of single motherhood – not just here, on this blog and the single moms forum, but in the flesh. What if we could feel and touch each other’s words on a page and then share it with others for generations to come?

The idea.

I am going to buy a blank book. I’ll start by filling out the first page myself with my own single mom manifesto–my beliefs and what I find true about single motherhood, what I have learned. And then, I’ll mail the book on to one of you. Once you’ve done the same, you’ll mail it to the next person on the list and so on and so forth. Each page will be your own creation, like a scrapbook.

Our book will travel to hundreds of single moms, their children, their grandchildren – to anyone touched by single motherhood and then it will come back to me when it’s full. From there, who knows, maybe I’ll scan in the pages and share them with everyone or maybe we’ll publish it!

So, who’s in?

Everyone is invited! Just leave your name, e-mail and mailing address in this contact form and I’ll add you to the list. We’ll go in order of sign up, so the first on the list gets the book first. Also, you will have to pay postage for re-mail the book. Other than that, there will be no obligation whatsoever.

Also be aware that by joining this mailing list your address will be shared with others who have the book in their possession. I will not, however, ever publish your addresses or real names without your express permission. To my International readers, you’ll have to sit this one out but if you want to create a page and mail it to me to add to the book later, let me know.

Update: I have closed the sign-up form for the Single Mom Manifesto due to an overwhelming response. I just want to make sure we can get it to everyone on the list, 150+ of you!

If all goes well this round, I’ll open it up again for the Single Mom Manifesto 2, so please stay tuned.

Expectations

mssinglemama — Fri, 09 Jul 2010 01:43:59 +0000

A few months ago, at a dinner I couldn’t believe I had been invited to, my friend Leigh told me about the sequel to Eat, Pray, Love – Elizabeth Gilbert’s latest, Committed: A Skeptic Makes Peace with Marriage.

“I admit, it’s even got me thinking,” she said, raising one of her delicate eyebrows and trying to ignore my camera.

Leigh has been swearing off marriage ever since her first ended in a divorce. But she has since found a delightfully adorable and sweet boyfriend, who I suspect has more to do with her thinking than this book. “You should read it, too.”

“Maybe. What convinces her to finally get married?” I ask.

“Her husband needs a Green Card.”

“Fabulous,” I throw my hands in the air, “That sounds familiar.”

And then Leigh laughs, one of her huge bottomless laughs that makes me feel like I’m actually funny. “And Eat, Pray, Love – what’s that about? I know I’m like the last person on Earth to know but tell me.”

“After her divorce she takes off to find herself. She travels all over the world and realizes she’s just fine on her own – without a man.”

“Ahhh. Sounds like a fairy tale, totally impossible for single divorced women with kids.”

“Yeah, you’re right. I didn’t even think about that. You can’t take any time to yourself after a divorce.”

“Yep, but we make it work.”

I decide to check it out regardless because us single moms can still learn so much from our single and childless sisters.

They keep us in check. Remind us not to choose a man just because we have kids. And that we should shouldn’t lose sight of our own career goals even though we have full-time jobs already. We’re all women trying to find our place in this new, big bad world bursting with endless roads of equal opportunity decisions.

Sitting here at this table, Leigh and I are examples these dichotomous decisions. She, a fiercely independent career-minded woman who has seen and will continue to see incredible success as a result of her devotion to her work. And then myself, just as fiercely independent and career minded but side tracked by an unexpected marriage and pregnancy. Had it not been for a Homeland Security stop of my own who knows where I would be.

After our dinner, I forgot about the books and then life caught up with me until I stumbled across the Eat, Pray, Love trailer last night.

In just a few clicks I found Gilbert’s Website and a question and answer podcast on Commitment to Marriage. She discusses a few of the things that make a good marriage including: the woman maintaining her precious autonomy (career or passion) before, after and during the marriage, marrying over the age of 25 and another big one, managing our own expectations for what we can expect from marriage.

Managing our expectations seems to be the most challenging. After all, having been told about a Prince Charming since day one isn’t an easy thing to toss out. We want the romance. We want the ridiculous butterflies. And as Gilbert says, “We’re kind of making this up as we go.” This being, marrying out of love and not for pragmatic reasons like many of our parents and grandparents did. Listen to the podcast. You’ll be glad you did.

And then tell me, what do you expect from marriage? For those of you who have been married and divorced, are your expectations different now that they were? Perhaps more grounded in reality? And finally, do you hold men to the same expectations you have for yourself?

Everyone who comments will be entered to win a free new leaf necklace. I’ll draw a winner on Tuesday night.

Traditional

mssinglemama — Thu, 24 Jun 2010 14:25:21 +0000

I’ve been branching out into traditional media as of late and upon invitation.

Coming up soon, you’ll see an essay by yours truly in the August issue of Woman’s Day. The editor stumbled across my blog and I, of course, accepted their generous offer to be featured. I think you’ll all relate to my essay, which took me back to the early days of my single motherhood and the painful process of learning how to let go of fear.

Most immediately you can listen to my interview on the Kim Iverson radio show. I think she was surprised by my positive take on dating as a single mom. Understandable. I was just as surprised when I finally figured out how many perks are actually in our corner.

Burning Your List

mssinglemama — Mon, 14 Jun 2010 21:24:58 +0000

Many of you have been asking about Mia.

While we all patiently wait for another blog post from her, I thought I’d fill in the blanks and give you all an update.

Mia to the right, Shawna on the left - before SATC 2

Mia, one and a half years after splitting with her ex, has completely gained her footing as a single mom. She’s finding time for herself, learning how to co-parent, and date – all while maintaining her incredibly demanding career.

The dating is proving to be the trickiest part of the equation as she navigates all of her prospects. After seven or so years of being with her ex she is dating again and like most of us, has jumped right in using the same measurements for the quality of a match that she did her early childless 20′s.

The growing pains of re-defining your list as a single mom aren’t easy, there will be heart break on your end or for the men who happen across your path before you’ve finished sorting out that mess in your head. Mia has been no exception to that rule.

On a recent Benjamin-free Saturday night, not quite ready to turn in after a night out with John Bear, I walked over to Mia’s house. Living on the same block has its perks and stumbling over for a late night chat is one of them. I found Mia and a few of her friends out on the front porch.

We were soon talking about the men in our lives, ruffles and all.

The wine had done its trick and we were sharing, learning, relishing – without defense – in each other’s advice. These raw open, un-chartered conversations are often, in my opinion, the most beneficial and productive for clearing the head of emotional stress and also the most entertaining.

When it was Mia’s turn we discussed her latest dating escapades. The losers, the winners and those who fell by the wayside and onto the black list.

“I feel like it’s time,” she said, “Like I am going to meet him soon.”

“Definitely, I sense that too,” added her best friend Shawna. By him she meant her soul mate, her guy, the guy, the man of her dreams, the dude.

“But, to find him, you have to stop spending time with the wrong men,” I had been hammering this point home with Mia for months and this time, hoped she would start listening.

“You have to bury your ex first. Burn some old letters or something.” Shawna said.

The timing couldn’t have been better. We were all there, waiting for something and anticipating the climax that would break through the noisy stillness of our Saturday night.

“Do it. Do it,” we chimed until Mia dashed upstairs, whizzing past a fitting scene created by her daughter hours earlier before bedtime

to emerge minutes later with a box of letters and some photo albums. Bursting with memories of what was and dreams of what could have been, she held them delicately in her hands.

The pictures came first. Photos of she and her ex, long before the cheating, the lies and the split that had left her broken, hopeless for so many months. But now, here she was, beaming with happiness at the potential her life as a single mom had to offer, namely in the way of dating and finding her dream man.

“I can’t burn any of this stuff. I want Sydney to have it. But, I know what I can burn. This!” She pulled out a piece of notebook paper covered on front and back with a list.

“What on it?” I asked.

“This is the list I made after I found out, right before he left. The list is everything I want from a man, the things he didn’t do or have. I wrote it to remind myself, so I wouldn’t forget.”

“Yes!” exclaimed Shawna, I wasn’t sure if I’d ever seen her so excited, “If you burn the list it will send it out into the universe, and then it will come true. Then you’ll find him.”

“What’s on your list?” I asked.

Mia read it out loud. Line item by line item. Wish upon wish.

Her list, was semi-impossible to fill, as Lori Gottlieb would agree, but Mia and Shawna would hear nothing of that. They wanted everything on the list. Which included, among other things, a man who is stable and financially secure but who also loves travel and adventure. I pointed out the obvious contradictions and they shushed me again.

I finally concede and agreed that burning the list was a symbolic act that would help Mia move into another phase as a single mom dating.

She is letting go of her past self, the hurt and confused woman who wrote the list is leaving and making way for someone ready to date with meaning.

Here’s to burning your list!

And to surrendering to the change that you are destined to experience because without change life would just be an incredibly boring wading pool.

If you missed it, catch up on Mia’s story.