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Single Mom Dating Tips, Part 5

mssinglemama — Fri, 12 Mar 2010 16:47:55 +0000

Introducing Him to the Kids

I know it’s been a while since I’ve offered up a around of single mom dating tips, but here is a fresh batch. The subject? Introducing or not introducing men to your children.

First, a few real-life single mom dating experiences. In both cases, each single mom did what she felt was right at the time. We can’t hold them responsible or judge them for their actions. We are all learning as we go… dating as a single mom is by far the hardest and most misunderstood experience mothers can have. But we can learn from each other.

Single Mom Dating Scenario 1

She bides her time, listens to her ultra-protectionist mama gut and waits 9 months to introduce the man she’s dating to her toddler. She introduces him only after she’s certain they’ll be together forever and have fallen completely and totally in love. Did her patience pay off?

At first, yes. Everything is going so well that they all move in together three months after the introductions. Four weeks later her boyfriend, likely caving under the stress of what I’ll call Sudden Toddler Exposure, jets. He leaves. Completely and totally leaves and she hasn’t heard from him since.

Single Mom Dating Scenario 2

She doesn’t wait. Knowing instantly that he is the one. She brings the man into their lives, introduces him to her 6-year-old and then – because he lives out of town – allows him to practically (but not really) move in.

Things are going very well, they’re both living in the La La Land of Love and then – boom – something doesn’t feel right. They are fighting constantly (the child is seeing the fights) and it all ends a few weeks later in a nasty break-up.

To avoid the above Single Mom Dating Scenarios…

1. If you are seriously interested in a man it is completely fine to introduce him to the kids.

Guess what? Your kids are – like 50% of their friends – from a two parent household, or a one parent household. But still, this is a new day and age. Being tied up or hung up on putting your kid in a therapy chair could cause them more harm than good.

And besides, do you really know a man if you can’t gauge his behavior and interaction with your children. This is something us moms can read in just a few hours at the park or ice cream parlor. No need for moving him in or inviting him over for dinner every night. Just slowly introduce them. One outing a week to ease them in and then slowly increase exposure.

BUT.

Do not move too fast. At all. Take your time.

John and I have been dating for 10 months but even when he does come over – it’s just before Benjamin’s bed time and when Benjamin wakes up in the morning – he’s gone, having woken up between 5:00am – 6:00am to get out of the house. This is something John does on his own. He never complains or whines. He just does it. I can tell you, it’s very helpful to be with a man who puts Benjamin first – always. Helps to keep me in line as well, because I’m definitely not as strong as I seem.

2. Ease him into father-like responsibilities.

I learned this the hard way with Kris. But, to my advantage, now remember that lesson every day with John. If you are dating a single dad I’m sure it’s a different story, but with a childless guy you have to keep your boundaries. Even 10 months in. John is incredibly helpful but he has yet to experience the real routine of my single mom life, every day, all day, over and over again from breakfast to dinner.

Why? Why not expose him to that? Because 1) it’s not his responsibility 2) we need this time to grow our relationship and build a foundation 3) it’s too much pressure to throw someone immediately into fatherhood, remember we had nine months to get used to the idea + the age of our child/children. If you’ve been reading my blog for a while, you’ve surely caught on and played witness to my slip ups on this and then re-centering. But, all in all, I think we are moving at just the right pace for all of us.

3. Escape from the kids (whenever humanly possible).

John and I have every other weekend alone. Usually I hide away in his apartment and lounge on his couch, eating fudge pops and watching TV. We do leave to go out with friends, dinner or for a quick shopping trip. But it’s so nice to just do next to nothing and enjoy each other. The routine sets me back on house cleaning and I play catch up all week, but it’s worth every minute. I want to give him that… just me, sans Benjamin.

This weekend we’re taking off for Ann Arbor to visit my great uncle and my great aunt. My great uncle’s sister, my grandmother was also a single mom. But in the 1950′s. Can you imagine? She raised four boys with the help of her World War 1 widowed mother and never re-married.

Although, the story goes – that she used to go ball room dancing every weekend…

4. Don’t forget about YOU.

This is the hardest one for me. Between my quickly growing search engine optimization and social marketing firm, my son and my boyfriend there is little time for me to just be. So I force myself to go for walks at lunch. I say no “a lot.” And I LOVE my work, so that helps. Being at work, working on what I love counts as being good to myself (on most days). Right?

The point is that you have to manage your stress. Good luck with that one (I know it’s the hardest).

>>> Read all of my past Single Mom Dating Tips posts for more.

>>> Check out also all of these dating sites

Single Mom Dating Tips, Part 2

mssinglemama — Sat, 16 Feb 2008 19:21:43 +0000

Some more tips in addition to my first post: Single Mom Dating Tips

Dating a single mom can scare the crap out of men.

As Jeff Mac (Manslations.com) put it when writing about dating a single mom, “just typing about it, here, alone in my apartment, I just peed a little.”

Okay so men may be scared when faced with the prospect of dating a single mom. This is the worst and best part about being a dating single mama.

Bad because it is a pain in the ass.

Good because it scares off the jerks.

No worries. Once you break down that firewall and show them that you’re just like every other woman – they won’t be as scared. However…

You can and very likely will get burned. So be prepared.

Just like any other single dating woman, there’s a good chance you’ll get burned. But because you have a child the pain is more palpable and often accompanied by temporary feelings of guilt, stupidity and hopelessness. The good news is – you will get over it – I promise. Why? Because you’ve got a kid and very little time to wallow. There are ways to keep the burn to a minimum. Which leads me to…

Love is blind.

When a man falls in love with a single mom the initial love butterflies, overwhelming lust and passion cloud the reality of the situation – that you have a child. So…the burning question – will he survive your reality? Unfortunately we have to wait and find out. All we can do is use our best judgement by listening to our gut. And we have to give ourselves and our men a fair shot at surviving that inevitable reality check. How? We have to stay in control.

At the beginning. resist the temptation to see him too often … keep your dates to a minimum.
This will also help you keep your emotions in check. Seeing him infrequently will give you plenty of space to see the situation clearly and determine whether or not this is a true connection or just a sexual connection. Love or lust? Hmmm…tricky, tricky.
When things do get more serious and you decide to introduce him to the kids, once again keep the visits to a minimum.
Want some motivation to maintain self-control? Your pain is your child’s pain. We will never be able to fully protect them but we can do our best to prevent it.

Don’t Call Him Too Much.

I’m the worst at this. The worst. I always, always call men too often. I went out on a blind date last summer. I thought he really liked me we’d talked all night and even kissed each other good night (quite a passionate bit of kissing actually). He called me the next day but I missed the call. I returned his call and got voicemail. Days went by and he still hadn’t called me back. So I called him again…and again…and again. This is when I realized I had totally lost my “game.” I’m embarrassed even writing about it.

He eventually e-mailed me to tell me he had a personal relationship with God. That I had tempted him and that God didn’t like that very much. Too bad because he was hot as hell. The moral of the story is – let it go. He may be too busy talking on the phone to God … or his mother … or his ex-girlfriend. Either way – try not to waste your time worrying about it and delete his number from your phone immediately.

Becoming a single mom is a shock and so is dating. You get used to both.

During my first year as a single mom I was obsessed with finding someone. I would moan and groan (in my head and out loud) about the long days and the never ending loneliness. Maybe it just took time…but now – I’m used to it. It’s like a miracle. I’m free from that mental prison. Maybe it’s just because it’s been so long now – but I think this is true for any human being adapting to a new lifestyle or culture – eventually you assimilate or “get used to it.” I have also gotten used to dating…working men into my delicate life balance. I have learned how to manage dating just like I do my job, my finances or my household. Very nice.

Do you have any dating tips? Does any of this ring true? Do you have any dating stories to share?

Photo credit: Notorious, Ingrid Bergman and Cary Grant (my favorites!)

What women really want.

mssinglemama — Thu, 24 Jan 2008 19:16:56 +0000

This is for the guys. Because so many of you are turning to my blog for insights into the female mind I’m going to give you the secrets. Ladies please add to my list by leaving a comment. The more the merrier.

This list is based on years and years of listening. I’ve been listening to both women and men. The topic of dating – what draws us to each other and what turns us off – has always fascinated me. (I know, I’m weird but my loss is your gain). So here goes…this one is for all women – child or not … see below for the single mom addendums.

What women really want.

Empathy. Listen to her, understand her, feel her happiness and feel her pain. If this doesn’t come naturally to you – you’re not alone. Men are less emotional than women by nature. But try. Ask her follow up questions. If you don’t know what to say – hold her.
Make her life better. Not by buying her things (although that doesn’t hurt) but by making her laugh, making her dinner, cleaning her kitchen, rubbing her back, kissing her every night. Add something to her life. Don’t just leave a dent in her couch.
Companionship. Be her best friend. Be there for her come thick or thin.
Trust her. Jealousy is one of the most unattractive traits a man can possess.
Satisfy her in bed…consistently. Enjoy her, let her know you enjoy her. Making her happy should make you happy. I can’t tell you how many guys out there “finish” and then roll over and pass out. Bad news.
Kisses. Lots and lots of kisses and hugs.
Forgive her when she flies off the handle. Don’t take it personally. Women, once again, are emotional creatures. We have a tendency to get more upset then a man would about the same issue. Relax. Breath. Don’t make it worse. Accept the fact that we are scared sometimes, that we need to vent and sometimes it’s on you.
Keep her on her toes. Entertain her. Turn off the TV – play a board game, take her out for a fancy date at least once a month.
Be nice to her friends. Do your best to respect and enjoy her friends. Take a woman away from her friends and you’re doomed.
Make a big deal out of all holidays, birthdays and anniversaries…not necessarily with presents but these are the days of the year that you must, must say something sweet.
Flowers. Enough said.
Love her. Really love her, don’t just say you do.

And what single moms want (in addition to above):

Flexibility. Her plans may change at the last minute. She can’t go out at the spur of the moment.
Dependability. Be there when you say you will and for god’s sake – don’t cancel.
Make yourself an asset. What do you add to her and her child’s life?
Come to terms with the fact that she technically doesn’t need you. Once again, make yourself an asset.
She’s scared of getting hurt. Try to understand.
Whatever you do – don’t stress her out. She’s got enough on her plate. Answer when she calls, call her back promptly.
Offer to babysit! You’ll score some major points. This one only works after you’re already in with her and the kids.
Read more single mom dating tips, here.

And for the women – I’ll have a reverse list up soon…because we need to remember what the guys need and want too!

Is marriage out of style?

mssinglemama — Thu, 03 Jan 2008 03:27:04 +0000

When I was a little girl I never daydreamed about the white picket fence and the husband. In fact my daydreams didn’t include a man at all, they definitely didn’t include children. Instead I envisioned myself as a young, successful woman living in a white condo on the top of a skyscraper in New York City. Oh, and I had a maid. Ha. Yeah right.

And then I kissed a boy. Then I had sex with a boy. It was all downhill from there. My career aspirations never changed but looking back I realize I shouldn’t have let men distract me so easily. They distracted me from moving to bigger cities, from studying harder … they distracted me from living my life. The most recent … a French-Canadian who swept me off of my feet and then needed a green card. Rather than lose him, I married him. We had love. We had marriage. And a baby in a baby carriage. And then – thank God – we had a divorce.

So now I’m single again. Dating for me, as for most single mothers, is now completely different. The men don’t have the same effect on me. They’re now secondary to my child, my career and myself. Being in love doesn’t even feel the same. There is, as Kate Hudson has said recently, something so adult about dating now. You can’t afford to make another mistake so you tread very carefully out there and ultimately are more vulnerable.

Like most other single women and mothers in this country I am now completely independent – marriage just seems a bit unnecessary. Why do we have to get married? What’s the rush?

Now that I am officially in love with an amazing man…I find that I’m not even thinking about marriage. I’m thinking about our compatibility – if he would make a good father. So the burning question – do I even want to get married again? I think at this point – the answer is – yes, but not anytime soon. And by soon I mean – not any time in the next five years…it could even be longer. And I’m not alone.

I stumbled upon this fantastic article in the New York Times featuring a new web site devoted to singles, SingleEdition.com. There are now more single Americans, making up over 25% of our population, then there ever have been before. People who are single by choice or circumstance. Check out the website. It’s a treasure.

Single Mom Dating Tips, Part 1

mssinglemama — Sat, 03 Nov 2007 16:53:08 +0000

I’ve been out and about in the single mom dating world for over a year now. I’ve had ups, downs and the spins! Here are a few of the tips I feel compelled to pass on.

And make sure you check out Single Mom Dating Tips, Part 2.

Date him – ONLY – if you are truly happier. Remember you and your child/ren can be completely content and happy without a man in your life. If a man wants in – he has to earn it.
Watch for red flags: lack of goals, laziness, fakeness, cockiness, selfishness or the inability to make you laugh. Everyone has their own set of red flags. Listen to yours.
Learn to differentiate between red flags and that nice little “push him away” reflex you’ve developed now that you have a child. Don’t make a big deal out of nothing. Learn to recognize when you are starting to test him. I’ve noticed recently that part of me is wired now to test the men I’m dating. I set them up with baited questions and they either pass or they fail. The test comes in handy but is sometimes unnecessary.
Don’t freak him out. Give him his own space to figure out your reality. Make sure he knows you understand this is a lot for him to take in. If he says, “oh, it’s no big deal, a baby can’t be that bad.” Just count to ten and smile. Let the little things go, the big things will follow in their own time.
He will not instantly understand your life or be able to empathize with your situation. That would be impossible. Be rational about it and watch for signs of him trying to understand. Is he really watching? Is he really listening?
If he’s not calling you frequently or not making future dates – ditch him immediately. You don’t have time for rif raf.
Try to resist putting a time line on anything. For ex: “I’ll give him two more months to change.” Not a good idea. People grow and change on their own terms and on their own time. You don’t know his pace, and he doesn’t know yours. Just watch for little signs of improvement on his goals and your goals as a couple.
Men are the same. We have just changed. Sometimes this one hits me like a slap in the face. They’re still completely able to fall madly in love with you, commit to you or they’re able to hurt you without even knowing it.
It will get easier. I’ve been a single dating mom for 15 months. Each round gets easier. Each one gets better. As long as you’re making improvements on choosing men, that’s progress! And it will get easier to quickly spot the frogs from the princes.
Keep yourself out there. Don’t try once or twice and give up. You are shopping. Don’t tell me you would never go shoe shopping again if you bought a few uncomfortable pairs.

Like I said to the man in my life last night, “Benjamin and I have a pretty good life here and anyone who wants to crash the party has to be up to snuff.” His answer, “I completely understand.” He doesn’t really understand but he is trying. Definitely a good sign.

Good luck single mamas! This stuff isn’t easy.

Want more? Check out Single Mom Dating Tips, Part 2