by mssinglemama on March 12, 2010
Introducing Him to the Kids
I know it’s been a while since I’ve offered up a around of single mom dating tips, but here is a fresh batch. The subject? Introducing or not introducing men to your children.
First, a few real-life single mom dating experiences. In both cases, each single mom did what she felt was right at the time. We can’t hold them responsible or judge them for their actions. We are all learning as we go… dating as a single mom is by far the hardest and most misunderstood experience mothers can have. But we can learn from each other.
Single Mom Dating Scenario 1
She bides her time, listens to her ultra-protectionist mama gut and waits 9 months to introduce the man she’s dating to her toddler. She introduces him only after she’s certain they’ll be together forever and have fallen completely and totally in love. Did her patience pay off?
At first, yes. Everything is going so well that they all move in together three months after the introductions. Four weeks later her boyfriend, likely caving under the stress of what I’ll call Sudden Toddler Exposure, jets. He leaves. Completely and totally leaves and she hasn’t heard from him since.
Single Mom Dating Scenario 2
She doesn’t wait. Knowing instantly that he is the one. She brings the man into their lives, introduces him to her 6-year-old and then – because he lives out of town – allows him to practically (but not really) move in. [click to continue…]
by mssinglemama on February 16, 2008
Some more tips in addition to my first post: Single Mom Dating Tips
Dating a single mom can scare the crap out of men.
As Jeff Mac (Manslations.com) put it when writing about dating a single mom, “just typing about it, here, alone in my apartment, I just peed a little.”
Okay so men may be scared when faced with the prospect of dating a single mom. This is the worst and best part about being a dating single mama.
Bad because it is a pain in the ass.
Good because it scares off the jerks.
No worries. Once you break down that firewall and show them that you’re just like every other woman – they won’t be as scared. However…
You can and very likely will get burned. So be prepared.
Just like any other single dating woman, there’s a good chance you’ll get burned. But because you have a child the pain is more palpable and often accompanied by temporary feelings of guilt, stupidity and hopelessness. The good news is – you will get over it – I promise. Why? Because you’ve got a kid and very little time to wallow. There are ways to keep the burn to a minimum. Which leads me to… [click to continue…]
by mssinglemama on January 24, 2008
This is for the guys. Because so many of you are turning to my blog for insights into the female mind I’m going to give you the secrets. Ladies please add to my list by leaving a comment. The more the merrier.
This list is based on years and years of listening. I’ve been listening to both women and men. The topic of dating – what draws us to each other and what turns us off – has always fascinated me. (I know, I’m weird but my loss is your gain). So here goes…this one is for all women – child or not … see below for the single mom addendums. [click to continue…]
by mssinglemama on January 3, 2008
When I was a little girl I never daydreamed about the white picket fence and the husband. In fact my daydreams didn’t include a man at all, they definitely didn’t include children. Instead I envisioned myself as a young, successful woman living in a white condo on the top of a skyscraper in New York City. Oh, and I had a maid. Ha. Yeah right.
And then I kissed a boy. Then I had sex with a boy. It was all downhill from there. My career aspirations never changed but looking back I realize I shouldn’t have let men distract me so easily. [click to continue…]
by mssinglemama on November 3, 2007
I’ve been out and about in the single mom dating world for over a year now. I’ve had ups, downs and the spins! Here are a few of the tips I feel compelled to pass on.
And make sure you check out Single Mom Dating Tips, Part 2.
- Date him – ONLY – if you are truly happier. Remember you and your child/ren can be completely content and happy without a man in your life. If a man wants in – he has to earn it.
- Watch for red flags: lack of goals, laziness, fakeness, cockiness, selfishness or the inability to make you laugh. Everyone has their own set of red flags. Listen to yours.
- Learn to differentiate between red flags and that nice little “push him away” reflex you’ve developed now that you have a child. Don’t make a big deal out of nothing. Learn to recognize when you are starting to test him. I’ve noticed recently that part of me is wired now to test the men I’m dating. I set them up with baited questions and they either pass or they fail. The test comes in handy but is sometimes unnecessary.
- Don’t freak him out. Give him his own space to figure out your reality. Make sure he knows you understand this is a lot for him to take in. If he says, “oh, it’s no big deal, a baby can’t be that bad.” Just count to ten and smile. Let the little things go, the big things will follow in their own time.
- He will not instantly understand your life or be able to empathize with your situation. That would be impossible. Be rational about it and watch for signs of him trying to understand. Is he really watching? Is he really listening?
- If he’s not calling you frequently or not making future dates – ditch him immediately. You don’t have time for rif raf.
- Try to resist putting a time line on anything. For ex: “I’ll give him two more months to change.” Not a good idea. People grow and change on their own terms and on their own time. You don’t know his pace, and he doesn’t know yours. Just watch for little signs of improvement on his goals and your goals as a couple.
- Men are the same. We have just changed. Sometimes this one hits me like a slap in the face. They’re still completely able to fall madly in love with you, commit to you or they’re able to hurt you without even knowing it.
- It will get easier. I’ve been a single dating mom for 15 months. Each round gets easier. Each one gets better. As long as you’re making improvements on choosing men, that’s progress! And it will get easier to quickly spot the frogs from the princes.
- Keep yourself out there. Don’t try once or twice and give up. You are shopping. Don’t tell me you would never go shoe shopping again if you bought a few uncomfortable pairs.
Like I said to the man in my life last night, “Benjamin and I have a pretty good life here and anyone who wants to crash the party has to be up to snuff.” His answer, “I completely understand.” He doesn’t really understand but he is trying. Definitely a good sign.
Good luck single mamas! This stuff isn’t easy.
Want more? Check out Single Mom Dating Tips, Part 2
