John and Benjamin had a bit of a falling out over our Christmas vacation. And if you think a three-year-old and a thirty-year-old can’t be at odds, than I’m about to enlighten you.

In October, I gave John permission to take Benjamin into time outs when he witnessed bad behavior, or when John found himself on the receiving end of the bad behavior. For example, if Benjamin took a swing at John while yelling something like “you butt picker” John had my blessing to take him into his bedroom for a chat and a time out. Then, in November, John took his discipline approach up a notch and started intervening when Benjamin was throwing a fit directed toward me, his one and only precious mama.

Soon our plan back fired and Benjamin started acting out toward John – not only on occasion, but very often. He began saying things to John like “don’t talk to me” and started crying at the idea of John watching him. It wasn’t pretty.

After a particularly bad night over the holidays we all sat down and then I channeled Mrs. Brady and started off our first “family” discussion with, “John can you tell Benjamin why you are upset.”

“Benjamin, tonight when you told me not to talk to you at dinner – you hurt my feelings.”

“Now, it’s your turn Benjamin. What do you say? Can you say I’m sorry?”

“No! Because John Bear hurt my feelings, too.”

“Why Benjamin? How did John Bear hurt your feelings?” I asked.

“Because. He did.”

“Well, John Bear can you say ‘I’m sorry for hurting Benjamin’s feelings?’” John looked at me like I was crazy because technically, he hadn’t hurt Benjamin’s feelings and I was talking like a way too chipper psycho mom. But I kept pushing and after they both apologized to each other everyone went to bed, for better or worse.

The next day John and I re-assessed our discipline strategy.

“It’s just not working, or I’m not ready for you to discipline him, or Benjamin isn’t ready. Whatever the reason – you have to stop now and just enjoy him. Get in with him first. Earn his love and then you’ll have the respect you need to carry out any kind of fatherly discipline.”

John was silent, just listening and taking it all in or, my paranoid relationship saboteur-self thought, deciding he had had enough of me and us.

“You’re not his father yet. You’re still my boyfriend. And we shouldn’t rush this part of the equation. And when you’re over at my place, you can’t pay so much attention to me – you have to be completely focused on Benjamin because in his world, everyone is there to see him, to be with him. He shouldn’t have to fight for attention.”

“Okay,” he said, “I’ll do it. I’ll try my best.”

“And I’m not worried about how you’ll be as a father, John. You are going to be magnificent. It’s just too much for us all to take on. For you, for me and for Benjamin. Let’s just relax. And besides, I have three years of practice on you.”

I must have gone on for 10 minutes straight. Just talking openly and honestly about all of these things and realizing that I wasn’t ready, quite yet, to co-parent.

The next time they hung out John immersed himself in having fun with Benjamin. [Remember the scrambled eggs? Same thing.]

And just like that, some kind of light bulb went off and Benjamin decided he was madly in love with John Bear.

Over the past few weeks John has had very little reason to discipline Benjamin because there hasn’t been a reason. And for me, as a single mom, this kind of scene is the stuff dreams are made of… this is my fairy tale.

And may I always retain my ability to channel Mrs. Brady when necessary.

Related posts:

1. Man things (and a video)
2. Scrambled Eggs and AP Lit
3. Pillow Talk

When I meet a single and childless girl I feel an urge to sit her down and have a talk – like a grandmother would.

No, honey, not that one. I don’t care how cute he is or how much money he makes. No, that doesn’t matter. He may be whispering in your ear and promising to change. But he shouldn’t have to change, he should have already changed. Believe me, the last thing you want to worry about when you have kids is changing a man or persuading him to clean up his act or get that job.

The measure of a man, the kind of man you’ll want when you’re married and a mother, isn’t in the car he drives, the clothes he wears or even in the sweet nothings he whispers in your ear. The measure of the man you want is in the way he reacts when you’re both lost on a dark pine shrouded road in the middle of the night. In the way he gives you a back rub. Does he ask how it feels? Is he truly trying to take your pain away or giving up too quickly? At first he may not completely wipe away the knots but if he’s willing to listen and learn, eventually, he will. Actions speak louder than words and how he uses those words, how he listens – that is an action, called communicating.

But he has to be at least six feet tall. At least, she would insist, and blue eyes – those too.

At this point I would bite my tongue, walk away and hope against all hopes that she checks that list against logic and her heart of hearts – the mother in every girl wants a good man, one who would kill for you or, more realistically, love seeing your smile more than anything else on this Earth.

And he might look something like this guy…

Oh, you have no idea how badly I want to tell you about the last seven days of my life.

More on our grand adventure soon… I am not teasing you on purpose, I swear. I am just extremely busy trying to play catch up. Loading these pictures takes forever. Find another round of clues about where our adventure took us in the photo gallery.

P.S. I mailed the first round of silver necklaces out today. Only 20 of those left… they are gorgeous.

Related posts:

1. Trippin’, Part 1
2. The Single Mom’s 10 Commandments…
3. Whispers

Just when I thought I had mastered all of the awkward single mom phrases, learning to say things like “ex-husband” or “visitation” without flinching, another term comes my way – boyfriend.

Single mom or not, I have never been a fan of the word. Boyfriend just seems so juvenile, to call a boy your friend who is clearly much more than that. But saying it when your child is running around right next to you gives the word an entirely new feeling.Last week a neighbor’s dog wandered into our yard to play with Murphy. When her owner popped over to take her back we were chatting about dog stuff. I told her Murphy was my boyfriend’s dog while Benjamin’s head bobbed between their furry little bodies. I could almost see the thoughts running behind her eyes. Yes, I suppose saying, “my boyfriend” is another way of saying, “I am a single mom.” But why then does saying “I am a single mom” seem so much more acceptable than saying “I am a single mom and I have a boyfriend”?

To us everything feels so natural. John Bear hasn’t flinched over my single motherhood since the very beginning. When we’re at weddings or parties meeting strangers and a Benjamin story comes to his mind, he’s the first to say, “Alaina has a son.” Even though I’ve had boyfriends before this is the first who feels like so much more than a just a boyfriend, maybe that’s why the word feel so unnatural.

I can’t begin to answer any of the questions I’m raising here as this is entirely new territory for me but I can tell you I will continue to proudly brag about my adorable sweet man to anyone who will listen, because single mom or not – I’ve never been one to censor myself for fear of judgment. And, besides, anyone who would judge this isn’t anyone I’d ever want to meet. I am a single mom and I have a boyfriend. And next to my son, he’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me.

[P.S. This is a picture of John Bear and I after our fashion makeovers at Dr. Mojoe for Ford Fiesta Movement, Mission 3. Stay tuned for the awesome video - coming soon to a blog near you.]

Related posts:

1. “Is your blog your boyfriend?”, etc.
2. Boyfriend + toddler + work = tired single mama
3. So there’s this dog…