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Searching for a crystal ball

mssinglemama — Wed, 01 Sep 2010 23:04:32 +0000

I know I have some readers who are children of single moms.

You’ve said you’re here because I fill in holes, blanks from your childhood or at least, give you an idea of what your mother went through. A question for you–what if this was your mother’s blog? Would it be too much? Are there some things you’d rather not know?

I don’t hold much back, especially in my eBook. There is so much here and even more there detailing my dating and my relationships as a single mom. But there are also posts like this one and this one that I will definitely want him to read. So, I’m wondering–would this blog and everything that comes with be too much? Or would it answer questions for you?

I need honest, insightful and constructive thoughts. Not hatred. If you take issue with single motherhood and women who decide to move on with their lives in the way of dating–that is a discussion for another post, or maybe a Bill O’Reilly messageboard.

I am weighing a decision and your feedback will help me so much. Thanks in advance.

—–

P.S. The Single Mom Manifesto books (there will be several) have been created. I’ll share pictures and more details very soon. I can’t wait to set them free.

At the start

mssinglemama — Wed, 14 Apr 2010 02:52:25 +0000

I have been so wrapped up in my own happiness lately – with my work, with John, with Benjamin (and not necessarily in that order, fluctuates with the day or more often, the time of day) – that I have lost sight of why I started this blog in the first place.

A few weeks ago I received this e-mail from one of you and it felt like something I could have written when I started blogging and really dating, when Benjamin was just a toddler and when I was just beginning to feel again. Her words had be gasping for air and grabbing John Bear, scrolling through my iPhone like a frantic person, enthralled at her beauty and strength and then wanting to punch the guy who said such a thing.

Alaina,
I’ve had a love-hate relationship with this blog for almost a year now. I have an 18 month old and I was single throughout my pregnancy, had a 3 month attempt at a relationship with his father after he was born, then once again found myself under the title “Single Mother”. At first I was jealous of your creativity, positivity, and dedication to writing. Then I became jealous of your “abandonment” of the single mother title by getting involved with someone great.
Now I am just thankful for your articles, your posts, and for providing hope for those of us who have no hope, who feel like we’ll retain the hated title of “Single Mother” forever. I’ve been through the ringer when it comes to dating. I actually had a man curl up to me and whisper in my ear, “You’d be perfect if you didn’t have a child.”
After several failed first, second, third dates, I told myself I wouldn’t date again for 6 months. As luck would have it, I met someone great. We’ve gone on two dates, spent hours talking and laughing… if he wasn’t leaving the state in a few months he’d be perfect.
I cried after he hugged me the first time, as soon as his car was far from the scene and came home from both perfect dates more depressed than ever. Is this all I get? a temporary distraction with someone wonderful? Are these dates with an intelligent, insightful man the best I can get? Somebody wonderful and temporary? The conversation, the chaste hug (I ducked when he tried to kiss me), the laughter, the sharing… these crumbs of intimacy, are they the feast during famine for single moms like me?
Nicole

I count my dating years as a single mom by Benjamin’s age. I know, I know. But, it’s easy. His age – minus four months. Everything after the first year is documented here on this blog… well, nearly everything. I often stopped short of expressing my raw hurt, wanting to keep you all sheltered from my own feelings of complete loss, complete and utter despair at my situation as a single mom.

I, too, had no hope.

But then, bit by bit the hope returned because I started (thanks to you) to believe in myself again, to believe that even if a man didn’t show up I would be fine. I lived through Benjamin, letting his laughter and light carry me on in my darkest days.

I also avoided bad men like the plague. Had I bumped into one who would have said I’d be perfect if I weren’t a mother I may have actually kicked him out of my bed before promptly shoving his ass out of my door. Or, is that just easy to write now – now that I’m in the clear and far past those first few years? I’m not sure but I hope you know how absolutely ridiculous it would be for any “man” to not love you because you have children. Children are children. If you can’t love children than who are you? You are still you and love is still love.

Just know something, please, all of my single mamas – this is just the beginning. You can let this consume you, or you can rise above it and come out stronger, happier and yes, in love again (with someone far more worthy than your ex).

And as for having a love hate relationship with my blog. I totally understand. Feel the same way myself sometimes. But happy to be here, happy that you’re all here. And by the way – Nicole has since had a third date. I love her blog. It reminds me of mine when I started. Pop over and say hi.

Shameless

mssinglemama — Wed, 14 Oct 2009 14:15:02 +0000

One of you (thank you!) nominated me for a Bump Mommy Award for Best Single Mama Blogger.

And you know I totally want to win.

Vote for me (Ms. Single Mama – Option #3) here and help me erase the memory of my classmates throwing Reeses Peanut Butter cups in my face during my losing speech for class scribe in the sixth grade.

It went down like this.

I stayed up late the night before meticulously crafting tiny notes that read “Vote for Alaina for Class Scribe.” Then I snuck into the classroom early that morning and left the notes and one Reeses Peanut Butter Cup on each desk. During my speech one of them accused me of bribery then they all started throwing the candy at me. I was forever scarred and the only thing I won that day was the title of Class Nerd.

And now you know why, to this day, if another kid so much as looks at Benjamin funny I get all defensive and want to kick their little pint sized butt.

So go vote for a girl (who clearly has issues) because she likes to win things.

P.S. Make sure you are voting for “Ms. Single Mama”.

—-

Speaking of winning, here are the winners to all of my contests I have out there:

Ms. Single Mama Uncensored Winners from the AP Lit post: June’Bug, Gershtown, and Ali

and the big winner of the Silver New Leaf Necklace Set and book is: Lori (she’s been e-mailed if there were two of you).

Thanks so much everyone!

xoxo

Where did it go?

mssinglemama — Mon, 05 Oct 2009 01:49:07 +0000

Last I checked Benjamin had just learned how to walk.

We still spent every night together cuddling up on one another in between play time bouts that included the likes of hide-and-go seek crawling and tickle attacks. My biggest worry when I took this picture was whether or not that scar from a fall he took would ever completely heal. Little did I know I should have been worrying about those two front teeth instead.

Then we moved out of my mother’s house and back to our little, big city where Benjamin, obviously, just kept growing. Here he also learned how to master the art of throwing fits.

The sweat on his forehead in this picture was from the hot August sun, under which Benjamin had been dancing for hours. First with me and then with some hippie dude. He loved men at that age, always wanting that extra attention from Mommy’s mysterious deep-voiced, broad shouldered brethren. Before I snapped this picture I took a quick moment to sit down with a tarot card reader. I needed some advice, the kind you can only get from a stranger with a knack for reading people and cards.

“You’ll be fine without a man so it’s just up to you. You have to decide if you want one or not,” she told me. I didn’t know the answer then, but I do now. And then suddenly, almost in a blink, Benjamin shot up from that little two year old to this absolutely gigantic three year old.

I know he’s still small to the rest of the world, but to me, to his mama, he is a little giant. And finally, after all of this time, we are both free. That baby stuff is behind us and we’re moving into new territory, big boy territory.

How did this happen? And where did it all go? All of that time? The only thing I can recommend to any new mothers out there is this – buy a decent camera. I don’t care if you have to put it on your credit card, but for the love of all that is holy, buy your family (whether there are two or eight of you) a camera that can capture some decent photographs. I use this one now and regret, daily, that I didn’t have it from the beginning.

The decent shots I do have of Benjamin during our first year are few and far between. Pictures of us together are especially rare.

I took this picture of us just one week after I left his father when Benjamin was four months old. Looking back on the last three years the only thing I can think is, “How in the hell did I do that?”

This week is my blog’s two year anniversary. For this reason, the fact that my baby is turning into a boy in front of my eyes and because of some life changing news I have yet to share with you I am going to take a one week break from blogging. I just need to think and enjoy my moments. I don’t mean to be a tease but that’s all I can tell you right now – more to come, I promise.

Win a Silver New Leaf set and a copy of Ms. Single Mama Uncensored

If you are a fan and have been reading just leave a comment and you’ll be entered to win one silver new leaf necklace set and a copy of Ms. Single Mama Uncensored. There are only 20 silver necklaces left and this really is the last batch of 2009 (unless someone else starts making them because my designer is officially off on her extended European vacation).

Hold up

mssinglemama — Thu, 16 Jul 2009 03:36:02 +0000

There have been a few comments to my latest post from single mothers who are now unable to relate to my story, once feeling a connection that is now lost because I have fallen in love.

As Fame Jane put it, “I’ve been reading your blog since last summer (though I just started posting) and I used to feel like I had so much in common with you and your other readers – like we could all relate to each other so much, and now I’m starting not to feel that connection as much. It seems like the blog is becoming less about the struggles of singlemomhood, and more about a love story.”

She goes on to say she is happy for us, “it’s wonderful, absolutely wonderful and I am so happy for you. I’ve decided to use your story as one of hope and inspiration.”

That’s fantastic and my goal in all of this is exactly that, to hopefully inspire single moms or just make you all smile or laugh. I just really hope none of you think John Bear, Benjamin and I are sitting on a big, fat pile of roses making merry and galloping off into the sunset. Maybe I have been writing too much about all of the good stuff and not focusing enough on the real trials and tribulations of falling in love as a single mom. I can’t tell you everything but I can tell you that this shit has never been easy and it still isn’t. Being a single mother for three years and then suddenly bringing a man into the picture again is definitely not simple. Anyone who tells you it is has got to be selling you a bill of goods or sucking down happy pills every day.

I am still a single mother. And while John Bear is lessening my load, helping around the house and touching my soul in ways I never thought possible, he is new to our world and ours to his. You can’t take a childless guy and instantly expect everything to be absolutely perfect or expect not to feel significant growing pains.

I have been pouring my heart and soul out to all of you for two years and to hear that some how I am losing a connection with some of you because I am entering a real relationship, perhaps the first one I’ve ever had breaks my heart into a million pieces. We are at different stages of our single motherhood, I am sure of that.

I too remember swallowing a bitter taste when hearing about other single mothers finding someone again. But before I met John that bitter taste completely disappeared and I found myself nothing but happy for other fallen single moms like Kristen, Mommy Pie, Morgan and Tracy. That, I believe, is the secret to finding someone yourself. If you truly do want someone to love you, you have to love yourself first and be happy for those around you, recognizing that they are no happier than you are even though they may have an extra body to share their happiness with. You also have to believe it is possible, to open your heart.

This is now a love story, yes. But it is the love story of a single mom which is far from your average love story – that I can guarantee you. I can also promise you that when you do bring a man into your single mom life you’ll be reading through my blog’s archives to figure out how John Bear and I navigate this road together because it’s not easy.

I love you all, and so appreciate hearing your concerns I just wanted to respond as best I could in hopes that you all do not feel betrayed by my gushy, mushy love posts as of late. Also, please remember that I was completely content when I met John and I wasn’t looking for him or for a man to save me. As I told him on our first date, “if it happens, it happens.”

Please, remember that and find that peace within yourselves as well. Stop waiting for a Prince Charming – be your own Prince, love yourself, treat yourself like the Princess you are and then one day he’ll show up. But when he does, you will still be a single mother – as I am. Having a sweet, adoring boyfriend is great but it also takes effort. No one ever said relationships were easy, especially for single mamas. It also takes time – a lot of time – before one can truly say, I am no longer a single mother.

My secret project, coming very soon now, is devoted entirely to all of you for this very reason. I don’t want to lose any of you and if I do, there’s something I want you to have before you go – to help you navigate the single mom dating life, where ever it may lead you. We’re all in this together and no one can wish it away or make it all go away, not even the perfect guy.

The weekend

The Best of the Single Parent Blogosphere

mssinglemama — Wed, 06 Aug 2008 23:18:49 +0000

Because we’re single parents and we don’t have time to read a million blogs every week I use this post to highlight my favorites and let you highlight yours … DON’T BE SHY. Shameless self-promotion is strongly encouraged.

This week’s personal favorites:

Incredulous Relief – Kristin (Better Now)

The relief? Because she’s alive. You’ll be biting your nails in fear when you read Kristen’s two posts about a romantic vacation gone bad, very bad… damn men. Sorry. I promise I’m not a man-hater. This week has just been filled with shocking stories like this one.

It takes longer to un-do a marriage than it does to grow a human being – Sassafrass

This week I discovered Sassafrass, a sassy single mama in Chicago. Check out her post reflecting on her divorce which is now finally, final (we all know how that feels) and her four-year-old son’s quick adaptation to their new life.

I have been busier than usual this week, so please – leave me links to your best post…

Oh! And he’s not a single parent – but our favorite commenter, Jon B., needs some advice from us on his relationship with a single mom. Help him out here.

Your Turn…

mssinglemama — Wed, 25 Jun 2008 21:01:14 +0000

This week, I had absolutely zero blog surfing time. Which means I can’t give you a nifty blog recap this week so it’s up to you single parent bloggers.

Leave your link and a brief description of your post. Shamless self-promotion is STRONGLY encouraged.

And a note to my readers: I am reading every single one of your comments, I just haven’t had time to respond to every one. Just didn’t want you to think I’m not pondering, digesting and loving each and every one of your comments. I’m TOO damn busy. Darn it. Someone slow this train down please.

In the meantime, please leave the links to the best of the single parent blogosphere.

Your Turn…

mssinglemama — Tue, 17 Jun 2008 21:42:05 +0000

The Best of the Single Parent Blogosphere

Because we’re single parents and we don’t have time to read a million blogs every week, leave your favorite posts here. DON’T BE SHY. Shameless self-promotion is strongly encouraged.

My personal favorites this week

Smiles are Free

Chrissy the author of Glamour’s Storked writes about a mean woman in the grocery store who can’t even muster a smile for her adorable cooing son. This is a pet peeve of mine as well. Benjamin says “Hi” to absolutely every stranger he meets and when they ignore him … I want to walk up to them, shake them and say “What is wrong with you! Smile at my kid – you big jerk.”

To Fake Ring it or Not

In which my single mama soul mate, Morgan, admits she used to wear a wedding ring while pregnant. And then, after Lucca was born, something changed:

“I stopped wearing the ring and mustered up strength I never knew I had, to look people in the eye and say “nope!” when they asked me if I was married or had a boyfriend. What used to be a source of shame for me, now is honestly a point of pride. When I have Lucca in my arms and I am carrying two tons of groceries to the car by myself, and somehow finding my keys and unlocking the trunk at the same time–and doing this all with a genuine smile on my face, I love it when I catch someone glancing down at my bare left hand.”

Prince Charming *Warning* Blatant Rip-Off

Cyrus, a single dad reacts to my Screw You, Disney post with his own rant on Disney and Prince Charming. My favorite line: “You may be a prince, but when my kids play fairies, do you know who the King of the Fairies is? It’s me, MoFo. And it always will be.” Love it!

On Being the Third Wheel

Single Supermama gives a beautiful shout out to her friends for being so supportive and says, “I fully intend to have the kind of family that would make a single parent (or just anybody) feel as comfortable and welcome as I’ve felt in the homes of my friends.”

Your Turn …

If you have a blog - leave a link to the best post you wrote all week.

If you don’t have a blog – leave a link the best post you’ve read all week.

Try to keep them on the single parent theme, but if there’s something extra special out there, feel free to post it.

Read last week’s Best of the Single Parent Blogosphere here.

Your Turn…

mssinglemama — Wed, 11 Jun 2008 02:50:47 +0000

The Best of the Single Parent Blogosphere

We’re all busy…too busy to read a million blogs every day. So, I thought it would be a great idea if all of us, bloggers or non-bloggers used this post once a week to copy and paste their favorite posts of the week. I’ll put it up every Tuesday night.

If you have a blog - leave a link to the best post you wrote all week, or the most popular post.

If you don’t have a blog – leave a link the best post you’ve read all week.

Try to keep them on the single parent theme, but if there’s something extra special out there, feel free to post it.

My personal favorites this week

Holy Crap. I Have News! - QT Mama

Two words: Vegas, baby. Two more words: Sexy Irishman! This woman puts me to shame. She’s the single mom dating queen. Her man sang her a song on a Vegas stage to get a visit out of her. And who says single moms aren’t the hotest single women out there?

Date From Another Dimension – Jim Everson (Depot Dad)

Jim discovered he and another single mom are living in parallel universes. Too crazy. They wanted to meet for a date, but they couldn’t because they have the exact opposite schedules.

R we d8ing? - Kat Wilder

In which, one of my favorite bloggers, unearths her friend’s trepidation about dating post-divorce. And wonders if, we can ever realistically do it all over again.

I love you, now leave me alone - Mommy Pie

Mommy PIe’s four year old daughter posts her first “Keep Out!” sign! Adorable and fricking hilarious.

This single mom wears a wedding ring! Why, oh why? - Rachel Sarah (Single Mom Seeking)

This one may astound you, I know I’m still shaking my head over it. Rachel showcased a single mom blogger who says she wears her wedding ring during corporate sales calls – why? Because her clients are more “at ease” if she has a ring on her finger. Puke.

Now, it’s your turn – please let me know what your favorite posts are … and if you wrote one – leave a link to your own fabulous post!