Single Mom | Single Mom Blog | Ms. Single Mama » single mom advice

Single Mom S.O.S.: Will I make it?

mssinglemama — Tue, 02 Dec 2008 21:44:05 +0000

I sat down in front of my therapist this week – more on that later- but one of the first things she said to me was, “Do you know how courageous it was for you to do that, to leave like that when your son was just 4-months-old? Good for you, kiddo!”

She calls me kiddo, which I think is kind of cool. I’m not even sure if I should call her a therapist – more like a Godsend. Back to my point. Becoming single mothers, whether by choice or force, is incredibly courageous and incredibly frightening at the same time.

This comment came in today from Almost Single to my post on “Should I Leave My Husband?“. She’s a soon to be single mom who isn’t quite sure how she will make it, something I know I felt when I first became a single mom. Just read this (should sound very familiar):

So how do you move on, become a single mama, when you’re not ready to let go? I admire your strength, and I know I’ve been strong enough thus far. But I wonder if what’s keeping me going is my nerves? Waiting for the other shoe to drop is definitely a means of keeping me on my toes. What happens when that energy wears out? Or, worse, what happens when that other shoe does drop, and it breaks me? I wonder if it’d be easier to just let go, but so far it’s been easier to just close my eyes to those moments you speak of and keep telling myself there’s hope. How pathetic, right? What a woman will do? Thank you so much for sharing so intimately, and for letting so many of us share back.

First, your nerves are keeping you going. I believe it is a physical thing, a mama bear thing. You just have to keep going. There isn’t any other choice. And those nerves, guts or what have you will keep you going for as long as you need them to… and you will only be broken if you believe you’ll be broken. First rule of single motherhood: don’t write yourself a self-fulfilling prophecy.

And, yes, at times – in those days or weeks when you feel you can’t go on – hope is the only thing we do have. But there’s nothing pathetic about that, nothing at all. Hope springs eternal, right?

Bring on the hope, baby!

Remember, I started this blog after one entire year of being a single mom, much of what you read here are the optimistic ramblings of a seasoned single mama. That first year is so dark, I rarely return, keeping most of it buried.

One memory I’ll never forget is looking at Benjamin while the rest of my world crumbled around me. There he was in his bath, gooing and gaaing – happy as a little bug, and then it hit me, “My world is falling apart, but he is fine. He is just fine. At least I have that, at least he is okay.” From that day on, in my darkest moments, I just looked at my smiling baby and felt like all was right.

I’m not sure how old your children are and I’m not saying divorce doesn’t hurt children, it does, but I’m sure the way the mama bear handles that divorce has a direct impact on how her children handle the divorce. So keep your chin up, for their sake, and then you’ll find your spirits rising too.

Everything will be okay. I promise.

Anyone else have advice for a newly single mom? If you have a second, share one of your first year memories – the worst, the best?

Single Mom Rules to Live By? Ideas?

mssinglemama — Sat, 13 Sep 2008 00:32:14 +0000

I need your help.

I’m working on a piece for a new web site (top secret) but it’s for single moms. I want to make a list of the top 10 rules a single mother should live by.

I realized it would be rather audacious for me to write them all.. so give me some of yours. What are the rules you live by that help make every day easier? What are the rules that guide you in life and love decisions? What advice would you give to another single mom?

Any thoughts will help… my deadline is Sunday night.

P.S. I joined Plenty of Fish – all for you (and kind of for me too)! Research, research, research. So far quite freaky but there are some interesting prospects.

A fairy tale ending?

mssinglemama — Fri, 12 Sep 2008 01:58:33 +0000

Part 2 of A Muddy Single Mom, a Fairy Tale

Sydney’s curse happened just one day after I’d taken Benjamin to the book store.

If you follow me on Twitter you may have noticed my choice of the book store over the library, “Going to Barnes and Noble… books, trains AND cute men… ” The Twitter fairies went to work and when Benjamin and I walked back to the Thomas train table I saw a dark-haired, very adorable dad.

I thought I’d turn the corner and see his wife. But no, he was alone with his three-year-old son. I checked out his hands, no ring. And all of this talking. He definitely seemed interested. But you never know. So how does one say, “I’m a single parent.” He worked it in by telling me about the house he’d just bought, “it’s small but that’s okay because it’s just the two of us.”

“Oh! You’re a single dad?” I said, “I’m a single mom!”

And as always, it was so incredible to just sit there and talk to another single parent. We spent an hour chit chatting while the boys played with Thomas and then it was time to leave. The kids were protesting, of course, and in what would have been an awkward moment for any childless man – we both just scooped up our screaming toddlers and walked out together.

“This is SO nice,” I said over Benjamin’s howl of despair, “to have two screaming kids instead of one. Makes it a lot easier.”

We were both laughing. The kids quieted down when we stopped to say good-bye at the exit.

“So, this is completely out of character for me,” he said, “but I’d love to hang out with you sometime. Can I give you my number?”

I got nervous. My brain fast-forwarding to the part when I tell him I can’t date him. To the part when I crush him.

“Yeah, I’d love to… I can always use more single parent friends.”

Note the word “friend.” Just in case. I have a major guilt complex. I think it’s because every boy rejected me in junior high. I was the girl at the dance who would stand up against the wall – alone – the ENTIRE time. For two years it was like that (until my parents yanked me out of that awful school). So, to this day, I can’t stand the idea of rejecting people when they’re brave enough to ask me out.

Usually it’s me doing the asking – if you haven’t read my post on How to Pick Up Men, get over there. Crucial advice for the dating single mom.

I called him a few days later and we set up plans for last night.

I was nervous. It was incredibly pleasant but alas, no love connection. I’m not sure if he felt the same way, but I told him I thought we should just be friends. And I meant it. Benjamin needs a guy friend and I can always use more single parent friends – seriously, can’t have enough.

What a fluke it was to meet a man at Barnes and Noble. My daydream of meeting a charming guy at a book store finally came true… but all of that time and effort for no spark. Meeting men in the flesh isn’t easy. Very possible, yes, but I’m thinking it’s time to jump online again. The first time I tried online dating, over one year ago, I wasn’t ready for a relationship and I wasted a lot of money. (E-Harmony by the way – is a scam).

But now I’m older, wiser and ready to shop for a man.

Why not? Mr. Right Now is never going to become Mr. Right. And if Sydney’s fairy tale curse is destined to come true, at least I can say I tried. Either that or I’ll get so sick of dating that bowl of muddy soup will sound more appealing than a man.

To be continued… (yes, again)

Next up – the Top 5 Online Dating Sites and steps on how to date online as a single parent.