Single Mom | Single Mom Blog | Ms. Single Mama » single dads

Big Weekend

mssinglemama — Sat, 15 Nov 2008 02:43:27 +0000

I’m frantically packing.

I’ve been planning this weekend’s trip since… oh, Monday.

But I waited to pack until tonight. Smart. Tomorrow morning Benjamin, Mr. Man and I are headed down to Kan-Tuck-Ee (I love saying it like that) to visit Morgan (aka Modern Single Momma or, as I like to call her, my soul sister).

Morgan will be meeting Benjamin (and Mr. Man) for the first time, while I’ll be meeting her man for the first time. Needless to say, we’re both pumped. She lives in Portland so we never get to see each other, it’s been months now actually since the first time we met in San Francisco.

And when it comes to love as a single mom, Morgan is way ahead of me. She’s been with her Man in Moseley, now her Man in Kentucky since this spring and is planning on making a move there to join him this winter. Read her story about falling in love as a single mom here.

If Benjamin let’s us – we’ll be making another video. Do you have any questions or topics you’d like us to answer?

Leave a comment and let us know. If not… have a fantastic weekend. I hope you all get to spend some time with another single mom or single dad because single parent friends are life-savers.

[Photo: Morgan and I in San Francisco this past spring. Watch our video on dating single moms here.]

The Best of the Single Parent Blogosphere

mssinglemama — Mon, 21 Jul 2008 22:43:44 +0000

Better late than never. You know the drill, but if not…

Because we’re single parents and we don’t have time to read a million blogs every week I use this post every week to highlight my favorites and let you highlight yours … DON’T BE SHY. Shameless self-promotion is strongly encouraged.

My personal favorites this week

MommyPie & BlogHerNot – Mommy Pie

MommyPie orchestrated a BlogHer mutiny with BlogHerNot, a virtual conference for all of us who couldn’t make it to the real thing. Turns out BlogHerNot was the talk of the town at BlogHer. Go MommyPie, as always, you and your Doogs continue to rock my blogosphere world.

Single and Loving It – Too Much? - Katherine

She’s single and she loves it – but what about marriage? Awesome post. I know I can totally relate.

Single Dad. Hold Your Applause – The Resolve Note

In which Jonathan gets personal, which he rarely does, about women’s reactions to his single dad status.

I love to feel loved - Momma Cum Laude

She’s in college, raising her newborn with the help of her parents, the father is physically absent (military) but absent emotionally as well. She’s such a strong young woman and you should read this post.

Now it’s your turn – leave your links…

Animal Attraction

mssinglemama — Thu, 10 Jul 2008 21:40:15 +0000

Tonight Julie (my new single mom friend) and I are taking the kids to a singles event at our Whole Foods called Animal Attraction.

You can meet a man and adopt a dog! How convenient. I won’t be adopting a dog but I will be on the look out for a cute man. Benjamin will be dolled out in his new iHeart t-shirt. If you can’t read it, it says, “I like single moms, do you?” Too cute!

Anyway, I think we’ll be the only single parents there brave enough to bring our kids …

Julie vetoed hiring a sitter because she wants to get all of the Zoe face time she can before another weekend apart. Besides, it will be more fun with the kidlets there and maybe other single parents will bring their kids. I don’t see why not. There will be puppies, food, live music and singles. The perfect ingredients for a fun single parent family outing. Oh, and you can do your grocery shopping!

Regardless, I still have butterflies and there’s no way I could do this alone. Life as a single mom is just so much easier when you have another single mom to hang out with.

Thank god for Julie, Jim and Morgan and for you guys, my readers. It’s just so refreshing to be around other single parents. There are no pity stares. No “So how do you do it?” questions. And we all just get each other. In fact, I’m finding that my friendships with single parents are by far the most comfortable and rewarding relationships in my life right now.

But how do we meet each other in the flesh? Other than jet hopping…

I met Julie through this blog. She picked up on a clue in one of my photos and nailed my location (turns out we live in the same city). I do keep my whereabouts on the down low because, well, I’m just scared of that fluke stalker. But maybe I should come out of the closet – I wonder how many more of you might live in my home city?

So my burning question. How do you meet other single parents? Do you have other single parent friends? If you don’t – you absolutely must make some. It’s amazing.

P.S.

Morgan and Clare at iHeart are trying to organize national events for single parents to promote their new Single Parent Magazine. So we’ll need amabassadors in every city. Contact us if you’re interested in helping out.

How to date the childless.

mssinglemama — Wed, 25 Jun 2008 21:03:07 +0000

The first question most single parents ask when they finally get back out there on the dating scene is, “Can I even date someone without a kid?”

The challenges to dating someone without a child can be daunting. Will they ever understand your life? And when they do – will they run away screaming in fear once they realize that parenting never ends? It can also be irritating to date childless people.

They often lack genuine empathy for your situation, talk about stuff that just seems pointless and annoy you with stories about how hard their lives are. But, as one of my friends said recently, “You can’t help who you fall in love with.”

When I left my ex-husband and Benjamin was just four-months-old I couldn’t imagine anyone joining our lives but they did and the relationships didn’t end because I’m a single mom, they ended because child or not we weren’t a good match.

Here are some things you can do to fan the flames of a romance with the single and childless.

1. Be patient. They’re not going to “get it” right away nor should they need to. Do you know if you’re going to marry this person or be in a long-term relationship with them? No way. You might have a feeling in your gut, but that’s not enough to warrant long chats about how they’ll perform as a father or a mother. And besides, nothing will freak them out more than these kinds of questions. These questions will come later and by the time later comes you might not even want to be with them any more.

2. Put it into perspective. Before you became a parent – you weren’t one. Duh! You’re shouting at your computer screen. But, seriously, think about it. Being a parent is nothing anyone can prepare for and chances are you wouldn’t have predicted what kind of parent you are today. There’s no way to tell what kind of parent your flame will become once they’ve fallen for your kids. Don’t waste your time analyzing their every move. Instead, focus on how they treat you – this will give you the answers on how they will eventually treat your children.

3. Go easy on them. DO NOT ask or tell them to be your child’s missing parent, DO NOT expect them to save you and DO NOT ask them to move in until you’ve been dating for at least one year. These are recipies for disaster. You’ll freak them out. And besides, you’re probably moving too quickly. You have a child now so everything must move slowly. No more whirlwind romances. This is one of the hardest facts to come to terms with, dating will never be the same.

4. Find your fun side again. This one was tough for me. During the first year, I had a really tough time relaxing on a date or just chatting about something other than Benjamin. I thought it was all they were thinking about (the fact that I’m a single mom) when in reality, I was the one thinking about it constantly. Eventually I let my hair down and said hello to that single chick inside of me again.

5. They don’t really care that you’re a single parent unless you make them care. This is the most important lesson I’ve learned. If someone falls in love with you, the fact that you’re a single mom or dad is icing on the cake. But before they fall in love with you try to avoid scaring them off with negative comments about being a single mom. For example, don’t say “Being a single mom is SO hard, you have no idea, sometimes I just want to die.” Keep your single parent anxieties to yourself and your close friends until you’ve been dating someone for a while.

Would dating another single parent be easier? Sure. At the beginning, you’d have more to talk about, you could relate, he would instantly get the parenting thing. But dating another parent opens another can of challenges, I’ll save that one for later.

In the meantime, I hope these mini-lessons help. Do you have any to add? Or any stories about dating the single and childless?

P.S. I hope the networks are reading this post, there could be an entire soap opera titleds, “The Single & Childless.” Awesome.

Related Posts:

Date Night

Do Men Really Care if You’re a Single Mom

Can Single Moms Fall in Love?

Can Men Feel Empathy?

[Photo Credit: "Love XOXO" by Pink Sherbet on Flickr]

From Doomsday to Hot Single Dads.

mssinglemama — Thu, 29 May 2008 03:31:55 +0000

You know when I wish I had a man the most? Every time I pick up a newspaper.

Because …

It might be nice to have a man around to do the heavy lifting, the fighting or the hunting when shit hits the fan. Seriously. I’m scared.

Most of us single moms aren’t rolling in money and when gas prices go up to $4.00 a gallon – it hurts. Not even to mention the price of groceries, housing and health care. I just worry about it, that’s all. Forget the face on this magazine cover – it could be any one of their faces – they’ve all left us in this cluster.

I wish Kris wouldn’t have pet my cats so much. Because when my day as a single working mom is over, the last thing I want to do is:

Freak out when I read a newspaper

WHILE

Getting rubbed up on and meowed at by my now spoiled cats.

Sorry for the gloom and doom.

If you need a single mommy topic there’s a very hot one going on at iHeart. Yesterday I asked all of the members to vent about their ex spouses or partners. Check out “Single Mamas vs. Single Papas”! The discussion topic has 47 responses and counting. If you have any ex-issues, you’ll definitely relate.

BTW: There are quite a few very hot and very adorable single dads on iHeart now. So the world can’t be all that bad? Right?

[Photo Credit: Ralph Deeds]

Hollywood’s single parent couple?

mssinglemama — Wed, 28 May 2008 00:33:17 +0000

Reports say Kate Hudson and Lance Armstrong are an item.

They were spotted leaving a Monaco hotel room this weekend en route to a boat trip. Wouldn’t that be nice? I wonder if they brought the kids? Armstrong’s twin girls are seven and his son is nine. Hudson’s son, Ryder, is just four. I’m sure they’re both keeping the kids out of the picture, the fling has only been going on for a few weeks.

I’m a huge fan of Kate Hudson. We’re the same age (29), I love her acting and she’s a single mom. Usually don’t even get into celebrity gossip but I had to pass this on. Just think, if they hit it off (for real) Lance and Kate could become Hollywood’s shining single parent couple.

And if you ever feel down about your divorce, like we all do sometimes, think on this … Lance Armstrong won seven Tour de France’s and survived cancer, but he couldn’t make his marriage work.

What do you guys think? Any news to add to this story that I missed? It’s actually kind of weird because both of their exes, Sheryl Crow and Owen Wilson, used to date.

If you’re really into this story, check out this post from an L.A. Times blogger – she thinks Kate is just another one of Lance’s girls and is shocked Hudson would fall for his smooth moves. And who says Kate isn’t taking Lance for a ride? Us single moms like to have some fun too!

And, besides, Kate has said in several interviews that she has no intentions of ever getting married again, instead she’ll follow the model of her mom (Goldie Hawn) and Kurt Russell – permanent companions without any ink on the deal.

Hmmm…. I love this stuff!

Random Conclusions:

Marriage is hard - and every married couple out there deserves major props.
Celebrity single parents are fun to spy on.
Kate Hudson rocks!

[Kate Hudson Photo Credit: Wikipedia]

The two bravest single moms I know.

mssinglemama — Fri, 16 May 2008 14:57:56 +0000

Being a single parent is one of the most challenging and rewarding experiences a person can go through. But what often can make or break your sanity – is having true friends. And when those friends are also single parents the bond is palpable. You can relate. You can feel each other’s pain and joy. Finding each other though – not so easy.

It’s why Morgan and Clare started a social network just for us! To do it, they both took a giant leap of faith and quit their day jobs. Why? Because they wanted every other single parent to connect with each other and discover how beneficial those relationships can be to their well-being, and their children’s well-being.

If you haven’t joined already – get over there. You’ll find single dads and single moms just like you. It’s not a dating site, although you could definitely find someone, it’s a social network. You can start discussions, make new friends, post pictures and just be yourself!

Last week Morgan, Clare and I finally connected on the phone. I think all three of us are kindred spirits! The next day I sent Morgan some questions … and here are her answers. I think you’ll find their story incredibly inspiring – I know I have.

Why did you start iHeartSingleParents?

There are huge social networking sites out there, like MySpace and Facebook, and there are dating sites–even some smaller single parent themed ones too…but none of these were the type of connections we were looking for. We wanted an authentic community where we could meet other single moms and single dads who were cool…who we resonated with, could learn from, be inspired by, and/or just share a laugh with. Not necessarily dating related, nor anti-romance….just a real community of people who shared the single parent lifestyle and who were striving for the same thing we were: finding balance and happiness in being a parent and being an unattached grown-up, (and enjoying a ego-boosting flirt every now and then too).

How did you and Claire meet?

Through a mutual friend. We hit it off right away– we shared a similar optimism and vision of what was possible as single parents… we encouraged each other to dream big… and bigger! Both of us have been single moms from the get-go and have baby boys who are 4 months apart and are fast becoming like brothers.

When was your ah-hah moment?

My ah-hah moment was really a succession of a few ah-hah moments, beginning with this one: Reading for the thousandth time a philosophical text on the nature of reality it suddenly dawned on me: all this talk about us humans being the creators of our own universe isn’t just food for thought!– it’s actually a golden key telling each of us how powerful we really are begging us to recognize it so we can start having some fun and doing some good.

The next ah-hah moment came when I turned to Lucca and saw in his eyes how instinctively he felt his power and connection with the bigger world (all kids do!) I knew he would expect his momma to feel hers too, and so I decided it was time to re-claim it. The third ah-hah moment is the one that set in motion iHeart…I was with Clare, we were in the midst of sharing our attitudes about life and the challenges of single motherhood. Despite our shared struggles with finances and living at home, all of a sudden we were both feeling on top of the world. Nothing in our physical situation had changed, but the world was very different– we didn’t feel alone anymore!

You know that feeling you get when you are around someone who always sees the best in you and believes in you so much you think you could fly if you just put your mind to it? Well, that energy was there and we began talking about how we wished more single parents could feel empowered like we did in that moment. Sharing our experiences enabled us to laugh, feel a little lighter, and remember that even though we didn’t fit the cookie-cutter family model, we still had the power to be happy. Most importantly the support we had from each other emboldened us to take on ‘being creators of our own universe’ and attempt a shift in the single parent paradigm that was more positive and empowering for all. We wanted to create a social network with this vibe and even though neither of us had the background nor the pedigree to know how to do it, we knew we just would, because heck! we believed in it! We knew in ourselves it was time to let go of single parent stigma and shame…and perhaps other single moms and single dads had been feeling that too, and would be inspired to join us!

How do you do it?

Keep the coffee and positive thoughts brewing!

I get up when the birds do and have a little “me” time– I just lie there half in, half out, of sleep and think about how cool life is to have given me this opportunity to be a mom, to be build this community, and to possibly inspire other single parents to recognize the inherent awesomeness in their lives as well. Then, totally to the brim with joy and gratefulness, I pop out of bed and put on my ipod (Lucca is still asleep and we share the same room) to blast Miley Cyrus in my ear and jump on the mini-tramp. I’m a cheese ball and love to dance first thing in the morning. It puts me in a good mood for the rest of the day and I love the thought of Lucca remembering how his momma would rock out as she fixed him breakfast and took him to daycare.

After I drop L off at daycare, I head to my favorite free-wi-fi cafe under the overpass of the free-way, order a cup of Stumptown Coffee, and get to work! I meet with people who I want to share the iHeart vision with, brainstorm ways to collaborate with those who are in alignment with our mission, think of creative-shoe-string-budget ways to get the word out about what we are doing, and continue our efforts to track down a ning developer to help us expand the site (these guys seem to be more elusive than a unicorn and more in demand than corn). At 5pm, I pick up Lucca and am all his till 9 or 10 when he goes to bed (not a lover of sleep, that boy) and then I hop online to iHeart and say hi to all the new members and if I still have energy left, or am feeling particularly inspired, I write a post for my Modern Single Momma blog.

You left your day jobs? What were they and what is it like working for yourself?

I think I always have worked for myself at heart…I could never get into being an employee for someone else’s dream– I had too many of my own I wanted to spend the hours of the day working on! But I have put in my time and worn the uniform as a waitress; a tutor; a cardio kick-boxing instructor; an office manager and a flight attendant. I got my master’s degree in Eastern Classics, proof that my tendency was to daydream and philosophize about what it means to be human, rather than strategize effectively about career choices and retirement plans.

As you can imagine, when I became a single mom, things changed. I got a lot more grounded. I toned down my obsession with questioning and reflecting on the meaning of life, and got down to the business of living it the best I could. For my son’s sake it was time to start taking action. Just me I could wander the globe reading Rumi and taking odd jobs all I want; there was no rush to get on with life. But bringing Lucca into the world as a single mother, I experienced a major shift in drive–it was time for me to bring one of those pies in the sky down to earth. I’m sure a lot of newly single mothers have felt the same overwhelming rush of responsibility. How do you deal with that pressure and stress? For some the answer is getting a good job with nice benefits and child care options. For others, it may mean finding a hubby ASAP. To be true to who I was, however, it meant working my butt off pursuing the path of an entrepreneur. (Security never did it for me anyways; I’ve always felt it is a false comfort for people, and not even the role of parent makes be believe otherwise).

What did friends and family say about your decision?

People tell Clare and I that we are brave for quiting our day jobs to pursue iHeart…is that their nice way of saying we are crazy? (“You got little chicks to feed in the nest! What are you guys doing!?”) Maybe….but that doesn’t bother us. We have a lot of faith in our vision. And we are having a lot of fun building this community and connecting with so many inspiring single parents out there– the type of single moms and single dads we always hoped we could meet, but before iHeart were unsure if they even existed.

Read Morgan’s blog here. And when you join iHeart find me by searching for “Alaina”.

Go pick a man up. I dare you!

mssinglemama — Wed, 23 Apr 2008 02:40:27 +0000

It’s Spring. I’m feeling frisky … and I know you are too!

So… I dare you to ask a guy out.

If you’re like me and the idea of going out on a date makes your stomach squirm, then you get a reprieve. It’s only been one week since my break up, so I get to take a time out. As for the rest of you – how long has it been since your last date? If it’s been a while – then why aren’t you out there?

I know it’s a huge pain in the ass to date … but don’t you miss it? Are there any guys you have little crushes on? Could the feeling be mutual? Find out. Ask him. Put yourself out of your misery and just do it.

If you read my blog regularly you know I’m a huge advocate of women taking the plunge and asking men out, flat out

Here are a few little tid bits on asking men out.

1. Men love being asked out, it’s flattering.

2. (If they’re actually single) they rarely say “No.”

3. You seem confident and sexy.

4. You have nothing to lose. At the end of the day you know one way or another whether or not he likes you. Peace of mind is priceless.

5. Your gut is rarely wrong. If he’s been flirting with you or just smiling at you in the coffee shop, he’s probably into you. He’s giving you the green light.

6. Men are lazy when it comes to romance. They prefer it if we do the work – and that includes asking them out.

So I’m daring you all to ask someone out, a stranger, a friend or a crush…here’s how:

Find a common interest through conversation and then ask him if he’d like to join you the next time you go (insert activity here). Offer him your number (don’t get his). Then the ball is back in his court.

See? Easy as pie. Do it! It’s Spring! C’mon!

»So where are you going to find them? Read my Top Spots to Meet Men

We’ve got a live one…

mssinglemama — Thu, 17 Apr 2008 01:46:16 +0000

Here we go again.

Another commenter bashing us because we’re happy single parents.

Today’s live wire comment thread comes courtesy of a particularly angry and perhaps bitter stay-at-home mom who calls our families “broken” and also says she would never spend a millisecond away from her children to find someone to get her “jollies off on.” (I didn’t know people still used that term – “jollies.” Ha. Anyway….)

Here is Z’s first comment in reaction to my post on why I love being a single mom.

“Why it is “great” to be a single mom:

1. I get to parent the way I want to parent
(Except for when the kids are visiting their father, then you have absolutely NO say or control on how they are being parented, and the kids get to jump house to house, “visiting” their parents. As oppose to stay married to your baby’s daddy, where you will have much more control over what they are exposed to and how they are raised.)
2. I get to focus 100% of my attention on my son
(Really? If I wasn’t married I would be working full-time so for five days a week my kids would be raised, again by someone other than me, and then when I want me time instead of quality time with their dad they are getting farmed out. I would say as a single mom the kids get way less time with parents because there is one person to maintain and run the whole household instead of two people.)
3. And the best part, I’m completely free and there’s always the chance that some day I will meet my Prince Charming.
(Free?! Except for you have kids. And Prince Charming -when are you going to have time to do that with out sacrificing time for you kids and as you are working on finding Prince Charming what about all the duds you expose your children too? That’s really not focusing 100% of your attention to your children now is it?)
Maybe women should be more selective in who they have sex with? If he wouldn’t make a good husband or father, why risk procreation with the guy?”You may

Sigh. Really. Gee, thanks. Guess I shouldn’t have been having sex with my husband. Read the rest of the comment thread here … and don’t miss the extra spicy comment from QT Mama.

A closing thought from the book Positive Discipline for Single Parents:

“You may have believed that children living with single parents are automatically deprived, but it simply isn’t so. Many happy, successful people have been raised by single parents – even in orphanages. It is no the circumstances of life but how we perceive those circumstances that has the greatest impact. Each person decides whether challenges will be stumbling blocks or stepping stones to joy and success in life….NO HOME – AND NO FAMILY – is broken unless the people in it allow it to be.”

[Photo credit: Angry Housewife]

Try SingleParentLoveLife.com for Free.

mssinglemama — Tue, 15 Jan 2008 01:38:32 +0000

When you’re a single mom or a single dad online dating is sometimes the only viable option. You can’t get out of the house at night without shelling out for a sitter so one solution is shopping for your men or women online.

I personally didn’t have much luck dating online but I largely blame E-Harmony for that. E-Harmony sucks. But there are so many other sites out there and when you can try one for free – why not?

My fellow single mom blogger, Rachel Sarah “Single Mom Seeking,” has teamed up with SingleParentLoveLife.com for a little promotion…so you can get two months absolutely FREE. Try it out and report back here on your experiences.

Here’s the note from Rachel,

“Hey everybody, I have teamed up with a thoughtful, intelligent online dating site for single parents called Singleparentlovelife.com In celebration, you can get a FREE 60-day subscription by writing my name RACHEL in the promotional code box. It may take a little time to find someone in your neighborhood, but just join, spread the word and tell every single mom, dad and age-appropriate single to use my name, Rachel to get their free two months”