My essay is out. Find it in the August issue of Woman’s Day. Pick one up the old-fashioned way or read it online.

I’m a bit partial to the print version and while reading the last few paragraph’s out loud to John Bear in the car as soon as I found my copy, I actually choked up on these lines, “as for my son Benjamin, he is now a beaming, breathtaking little 4-year-old who has more wonder, curiosity and happiness in his heart than I ever imagined anyone could contain. And fear, as it turns out, is not a word in his vocabulary. Or in mine.”

The tremble in my throat and tears in my eyes caught both of us off guard.

“Are you crying?” He asked.

“I guess.”

“It’s okay, but why?”

“Because, it’s just so surreal. Benjamin and I have come so far.”

We have and so will you single mamas, unless you have already! And in that case, the congratulations is yours as well.

I have been incredibly touched and overwhelmed by the number of e-mails coming in from Woman’s Day readers. Some of you are unhappily married mothers, soon to be single moms; others have just left your husbands and are trying to find your way.

I am trying my best to respond to each e-mail but if I miss yours, please visit my Single Moms forum and post your questions there. My existing community of single moms would love to offer their take on your situation.

And thanks to all of you for joining us.

No related posts.

I am a former married single mother.

Which is why I am now an unmarried single mother.

The only difference – I now have half of the laundry and half of the dishes to clean. Seriously. When your husband contributes very little around the house, when you’re the one driving the kids to and from everything and then at the end of the night when he isn’t even there for you emotionally, but actually makes you feel worse – it’s easy to feel like a single mother when you’re married.

Married mothers tell me this all of the time, “I feel like a single mom!”

I bite my lip and try not to scream, “Why in the hell are you with him then? Get out! It’s awesome over here. You could be free – of him.” Instead, I nod slowly and listen, trying to put myself back in that spot – that tough spot – when you can’t decide whether or not you should leave. So I ask, “Will he try counseling?” The answer is almost always, “No way.”

I give them all of the positive support and advice I can muster but sometimes, from the outside looking in – especially when you’ve been there, it’s clear they’d be better off single. But I can’t make the choice for them. Everyone has to do what they need to do and should exhaust all options before ending a marriage.

Some married single mothers aren’t even fighting anymore. They’ve given up entirely on improving their marriage after meeting road block after road block from their husbands. As a result, they’ve conceded to the fact that this is their life and have committed themselves to this terminal diagnosis – “til death do us part.” My opinion on this is clear… I’ve said it before – to hell with religious beliefs, to hell with what your friends and family think – men need to step up or get the hell out, and if not then get rid of them. Why?

Because being a single mother is far better than being a miserably married mother. And your children need to see you happy, both of you happy.

With that said, I have met so many single fathers who clearly didn’t deserve to be left. So there are definitely magnificent husbands out there being neglected as well, but that’s another topic for another post. Back to the single married mothers…

Will you be instantly happier if you leave your husband? No. Divorce is hell. The entire process is hell. But once the dust settles the days will be brighter and so will the future. Just get a good attorney.

Here’s a story a friend shared after leaving her husband recently, “Now I can finally eat crunchy peanut butter again. I know it sounds silly, but he hated crunchy peanut butter so I never bought it – it just makes me so happy – this stupid jar of peanut butter, I can’t stop eating it. Isn’t that crazy?”

No, it isn’t crazy at all. What sounds crazy is staying in a relationship with a man who won’t let you buy crunchy peanut butter. Or one, in which, you give up everything you love for him and receive nothing in return.

I’ve been meaning to write this post for a long, long time. Because I think of them often – the married mothers who are still there, dreaming of leaving but giving him time to change. They are prisoners, sometimes slaves to the relationship, trapped in a cage with someone who won’t help them climb out, someone who doesn’t care enough to fight with you to make it work. And that sucks.

This post may come off as harsh to some (men) but I could care less. Many of you need to step up to your responsibilities as husbands and fathers and stop acting like boys. And for God’s sakes – consider marriage counseling.

More advice on whether or not you should leave your husband.

Photo Credit: [Pregnancy Depression Help.]

Related posts:

1. Married people are weird (for the most part).
2. Can single moms have married friends?
3. The man I should have married.

It’s only a matter of time…

(Part 2 of my single mom fairy tale and my date last night will have to wait. You’ll understand why I hope, that I can’t think about anything else right now because tonight Benjamin’s father told me he is going to move away.)

There is something I know with every inch of my body, in my gut, in my heart and in my mind. I know that one day my ex-husband will leave… he will disappear from Benjamin’s life. I’ve known it since the day I left him and the weeks that followed without a phone call checking on Benjamin or a visit. My heart broke into a million pieces over and over and over again when his father just wasn’t there – ever. 

And then he started showing up – for his two days each week with Benjamin – like clock work. But still, no phone calls during the week to check up on him, no visits outside of his 36 hours. Nothing. 

My ex-husband is from Canada. We got married so he could get his Green Card (I know I shouldn’t disclose this, but I don’t give a damn because the INS can kick him out of the country for all I care). But they won’t. We were in love. We had a child. It was legit.

So the question hanging in my mind has always been, when is he going to bail? I know when the day comes it will be sudden. Maybe a phone call, “I’m coming by to see Benjamin today because I’m leaving tomorrow.” Something to that effect.

Tonight when I got home from work his father told me, “I think I will be moving to Chicago.” 

Just like that.

No conversation, no “I have something important to tell you.” Nope. Nothing surrounded the sentence, no mention of Benjamin or when he would see him. Chicago is six hours away from here. 

“Oh, really?” I ask calmly. “Why?”

“My company has a great job for me there, I’ll make twice as much as I make now.”

“What about Benjamin?”

“Yeah. That sucks… but I won’t be able to make any money here. I will be stuck here for five years and never make more money.” Coat that sentence in his thick French accent, I corrected his English liberally. This by the way is complete and utter bull shit. We live in a big city, his father could easily move here and do just fine. 

He goes on to tell me he’s not sure when it will happen, six months from now or maybe less. He can’t be sure. 

Oh, and keep in mind, he’s said nothing of these plans to the SINGLE MOM he’s LIVING with or her six-year-old son. My mama bear instincts are raging in this moment, I am FURIOUS. My heart is breaking again – not for myself – but for Benjamin. For my sweet, adorable little boy who has a father who could care less about seeing him or being in his life. 

It will happen. He will disappear one day. I just want it too happen sooner rather than later. To happen now, when Benjamin is only two and a half, not when he’s three and completely understands. Even now it would be impossibly hard to explain. Benjamin still asks for his father every day. One morning he woke up and just started crying, “Daddy gone, mommy. Daddy gone.” Woke up crying. He says this phrase often – at least once a day.

Yes. Daddy will be gone one day and I can’t wait. ENOUGH. I want him out of our lives. Maybe I should move to Alaska. He wouldn’t follow us there. Or Portland. Or Montana, I’ve always dreamt of living in Montana. This is where my mind is – how can I protect my son from his father? Aside from moving there’s nothing I can do. I can only sit here and wait… wondering when he’s going to vanish and wondering how I will wipe the pain away for Benjamin. 

If you aren’t too familiar with my ex-husband you might want to read this horrifying tale.

Again, I’m sorry to leave you hanging about the date. Tomorrow…

Related posts:

1. Daddy! Daddy! Daddy?
2. O’ Daddy, Where Art Thou?
3. Daddy is coming back.

Take a breath and try to imagine yourself in a thankless marriage.

Now try to imagine having a little one watching and witnessing – the fights, the anger, the unhappiness or depression.

When marriage counseling fails (it did for me) and you have exhausted all of your options, emotionally and physically to make it work – when do you know if you should leave?

There were a few moments, split seconds of time when I knew I had to give up – that my ex-husband and I were impossibly different – and that he was impossibly uncommitted to truly being the best father and husband he could be. These moments were spread out over two years. And then one of them broke the camel’s back: he told me, didn’t even ask, told me – that he would not be working but staying at home until our (my) savings ran out. Then, he said, he would find a new job.

And that was it. I left – packed up our apartment – moved in with my mom (took little 4-month-old Benjamin of course) and got on with my life.

It wasn’t easy.

It isn’t easy.

But being in that marriage, with someone who gave me no respect, no affection, no empathy or even friendship was harder than being a single mother.

I received an e-mail this week that moved me to write this post.

I’m sure you hear it all the time, but your blog really touched me. I’m sitting here at work with a lump in my throat trying really hard not to cry.

I’m married with a ten month old (who is IT, and by it, I mean the absolute greatest love in existence, which you know all about). My husband is, as I’ve heard you describe your ex, USELESS. I read one of your first posts about him not moving the boxes, and that same exact situation has happened to me. Your ex sounds like he’s a good turner-arounder (is that even a word)—he can make something his fault or your fault in a matter of seconds, and takes responsibility for nothing.

Anyway, my husband has been out of town this week, and it’s given me a lot of time to think. Part of me (like a teeny tiny part) is scared to “be alone.”

Do you have any suggestions as far as finances go? Was the legal aspect of divorce and custody a difficult thing for you in that aspect (or others)?

What emotional or financial advice would you give to women who are on the fence? Most divorced parents know the decision does not come easy. It’s not something you just snap into … you think, think, try and try again to make it work and then one day – that’s it – you’re done.

What tipped you? What was the deciding factor in your decision to get a divorce?

If you feel like a married single mom, click here.

[Photo credit: Every Day Better Living.com]

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