by mssinglemama on November 16, 2008
I am a former married single mother.
Which is why I am now an unmarried single mother.
The only difference – I now have half of the laundry and half of the dishes to clean. Seriously. When your husband contributes very little around the house, when you’re the one driving the kids to and from everything and then at the end of the night when he isn’t even there for you emotionally, but actually makes you feel worse – it’s easy to feel like a single mother when you’re married.
Married mothers tell me this all of the time, “I feel like a single mom!”
I bite my lip and try not to scream, “Why in the hell are you with him then? Get out! It’s awesome over here. You could be free – of him.” Instead, I nod slowly and listen, trying to put myself back in that spot – that tough spot – when you can’t decide whether or not you should leave. So I ask, “Will he try counseling?” The answer is almost always, “No way.”
I give them all of the positive support and advice I can muster but sometimes, from the outside looking in – especially when you’ve been there, it’s clear they’d be better off single. But I can’t make the choice for them. Everyone has to do what they need to do and should exhaust all options before ending a marriage.
Some married single mothers aren’t even fighting anymore. They’ve given up entirely on improving their marriage after meeting road block after road block from their husbands. As a result, they’ve conceded to the fact that this is their life and have committed themselves to this terminal diagnosis – “til death do us part.” My opinion on this is clear… I’ve said it before – to hell with religious beliefs, to hell with what your friends and family think – men need to step up or get the hell out, and if not then get rid of them. Why?
Because being a single mother is far better than being a miserably married mother. And your children need to see you happy, both of you happy.
With that said, I have met so many single fathers who clearly didn’t deserve to be left. So there are definitely magnificent husbands out there being neglected as well, but that’s another topic for another post. Back to the single married mothers…
[click to continue…]
by mssinglemama on September 10, 2008
It’s only a matter of time…
(Part 2 of my single mom fairy tale and my date last night will have to wait. You’ll understand why I hope, that I can’t think about anything else right now because tonight Benjamin’s father told me he is going to move away.)
There is something I know with every inch of my body, in my gut, in my heart and in my mind. I know that one day my ex-husband will leave… he will disappear from Benjamin’s life. I’ve known it since the day I left him and the weeks that followed without a phone call checking on Benjamin or a visit. My heart broke into a million pieces over and over and over again when his father just wasn’t there – ever.
And then he started showing up – for his two days each week with Benjamin – like clock work. But still, no phone calls during the week to check up on him, no visits outside of his 36 hours. Nothing.
My ex-husband is from Canada. We got married so he could get his Green Card (I know I shouldn’t disclose this, but I don’t give a damn because the INS can kick him out of the country for all I care). But they won’t. We were in love. We had a child. It was legit.
So the question hanging in my mind has always been, when is he going to bail? I know when the day comes it will be sudden. Maybe a phone call, “I’m coming by to see Benjamin today because I’m leaving tomorrow.” Something to that effect.
Tonight when I got home from work his father told me, “I think I will be moving to Chicago.”
Just like that. [click to continue…]
by mssinglemama on May 2, 2008
Take a breath and try to imagine yourself in a thankless marriage.
Now try to imagine having a little one watching and witnessing – the fights, the anger, the unhappiness or depression.
When marriage counseling fails (it did for me) and you have exhausted all of your options, emotionally and physically to make it work – when do you know if you should leave?
There were a few moments, split seconds of time when I knew I had to give up – that my ex-husband and I were impossibly different – and that he was impossibly uncommitted to truly being the best father and husband he could be. These moments were spread out over two years. And then one of them broke the camel’s back: he told me, didn’t even ask, told me – that he would not be working but staying at home until our (my) savings ran out. Then, he said, he would find a new job.
And that was it. I left – packed up our apartment – moved in with my mom (took little 4-month-old Benjamin of course) and got on with my life.
It wasn’t easy.
It isn’t easy.
But being in that marriage, with someone who gave me no respect, no affection, no empathy or even friendship was harder than being a single mother.
I received an e-mail this week that moved me to write this post. [click to continue…]
