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A Man Moratorium

mssinglemama — Fri, 14 Jan 2011 02:59:52 +0000

Something odd is happening.

This break up is like none I have ever experienced before.

I am sad. Sure. But I’m not broken. In the past I felt ripped apart, wide open and I wanted to fill it–as quickly as possible–with someone or something else. But not this time.

And here’s the really weird part, I have no interest in dating or even thinking about other men. Correction. I have no interest in dating or even thinking about a relationship with another man.

If you thought I was jaded before… well, I’m afraid I am now doubly so. Although “jaded” may not be the right term. How about even more independent than I was before? Even less interested in bringing a man into this party? Ever. Again.

I know. I know.

It’s still early. Nearly one month now – can you believe that?

Is this normal? Am I supposed to feel relieved? Like John and I narrowly missed a miserable marriage and that I narrowly missed a second divorce?

And my mother, in addition to several of my friends, have decided that I am now on a man moratorium. They are cutting me off. Enough is enough. I have lost my relationship card after one too many complete oversights in the love department.

How long do you think my moratorium should last? I’m all for it… but I like goals and sticking to commitments. So tell me–how long? One more month? Two? Six? One year? Or how about this? I will go on a man moratorium until I meet someone worth breaking it for. But – that may not work, because that relies on my judgment, which is out of whack.

Sigh.

I think clearly, the moratorium will remain in full effect indefinitely.

No related posts.

No book, wedding plans and co-habitiation.

mssinglemama — Mon, 08 Nov 2010 16:31:38 +0000

There will be no book after all.

I pulled the plug on the book project after feeling as if I was being pushed down a path that wasn’t right for the book. Most of the details I’ll spare you from – but, I have learned a few very valuable lessons.

The first is that I am not a writer. I am a blogger. There is a huge difference. Writers take years perfecting their stories and I can’t even fathom the amount of work it takes to publish a book. Not just any book, but a book that moves its readers. The kind of book I would want to publish. Instead, as I blogger I write in a fury and hit publish, letting the chips fall as they may. There is a patience and disposition a writer needs as a basic job requirement. And at this point in my life, with my business growing so quickly–the idea of buckling down for another few months of writing the book isn’t possible.

The second lesson learned is that I am a total snob when it comes to design and presentation of this blog to the rest of the world. I didn’t know I had a diva in me, but she’s there. And as uncomfortable as that may be for others or as self-righteous as I may appear when demanding the book be just so, I’d rather her be in there than not. And I’m glad to know that when push comes to shove by standards can’t be waffled.

The third lesson is that Ms. Single Mama Uncensored is just an eBook and should remain an eBook. I won’t be going to another publishing company. As valuable as I think the message and content is for every dating single mother, I don’t want it published and sold to the masses. I wrote the eBook so that new single moms who found my blog wouldn’t have to dig through archives. It’s there for all of you and will go down into the Internet grave yard right along with this blog (whenever that day comes).

I wish my ex-publishers all of the best in their new company and think they’re two truly amazing people. And I hate that I turned out to be a colossal waste of their valuable time (and such a diva). But such is life.

—–

I spent the weekend wandering around Athens, Ohio. My hometown. I was alone and killing time solo while Benjamin spent the night at his father’s.

I have been avoiding wedding planning like the plague, but I decided I should stop at the Dairy Barn – where we’ll have our reception – to catch the place before all of the leaves are gone.

Inside there will be plenty of room for the band, the cocktails, the appetizers, the dance floor and the 200+ people.

Happy the bricks will be there. Have to have the Athens Blocks near by.

And the sweet hills with the sunset.

But as you can see, I was too late for the leaves.

I found this little creek across the street from the Dairy Barn, where I am thinking there just may be the perfect spot for a wedding ceremony. (Assuming, I can tap into my inner Martha Stewart.)

Then I headed to Uptown Athens. Where John and I crossed paths without meeting so many times.

And where he ultimately asked me to marry him on the Athens blocks, coincidentally in front of his favorite bar.

Who knew? He was there all along. But we had to meet at the right time.

—–

Up until moving in together John spent quite a bit of time in his bachelor pad.

He’d leave in the evenings often to get some breathing space at his own place. And he was never around in the mornings, not wanting Benjamin to see him waking up in my bed.

So, naturally, I expected us to have a few bumps moving in together. After all, what would happen when he wouldn’t have a quiet escape? Going from solo to mama and 4 year old at once couldn’t be easy. But right out the gate John made it look easy. He wakes up early to make Benjamin’s breakfast so I can sleep in and he even warms up our car. I could go on and on.

But he needs his breaks from the madness of child rearing and we need our breaks as a couple. If we don’t make this time for ourselves and our relationship we boil over. In these moments, I catch myself imagining what it would be like to be moving in with him sans child. It’s an evil, taunting, senseless thought process. But I have it anyway. And it always ends the same. I, of course, would never trade this for a life without Benjamin in it. Especially, when all in all, this life with John and Benjamin is so lovely. In spite of our moments. Besides, all of these issues would surface as soon as a new baby arrived on the scene anyway.

It makes all of this feel natural. The predecessor to whatever is next. We are learning how to take each other in every moment – the good, the bad and the fantastic. And if we have bad moments, we talk about them and work it out. That’s my favorite part of all. He can talk and he can listen. He’s teaching me to do the same…. my learning curve is a bit steeper I’m afraid. But I’ll get there.

Expectations

mssinglemama — Fri, 09 Jul 2010 01:43:59 +0000

A few months ago, at a dinner I couldn’t believe I had been invited to, my friend Leigh told me about the sequel to Eat, Pray, Love – Elizabeth Gilbert’s latest, Committed: A Skeptic Makes Peace with Marriage.

“I admit, it’s even got me thinking,” she said, raising one of her delicate eyebrows and trying to ignore my camera.

Leigh has been swearing off marriage ever since her first ended in a divorce. But she has since found a delightfully adorable and sweet boyfriend, who I suspect has more to do with her thinking than this book. “You should read it, too.”

“Maybe. What convinces her to finally get married?” I ask.

“Her husband needs a Green Card.”

“Fabulous,” I throw my hands in the air, “That sounds familiar.”

And then Leigh laughs, one of her huge bottomless laughs that makes me feel like I’m actually funny. “And Eat, Pray, Love – what’s that about? I know I’m like the last person on Earth to know but tell me.”

“After her divorce she takes off to find herself. She travels all over the world and realizes she’s just fine on her own – without a man.”

“Ahhh. Sounds like a fairy tale, totally impossible for single divorced women with kids.”

“Yeah, you’re right. I didn’t even think about that. You can’t take any time to yourself after a divorce.”

“Yep, but we make it work.”

I decide to check it out regardless because us single moms can still learn so much from our single and childless sisters.

They keep us in check. Remind us not to choose a man just because we have kids. And that we should shouldn’t lose sight of our own career goals even though we have full-time jobs already. We’re all women trying to find our place in this new, big bad world bursting with endless roads of equal opportunity decisions.

Sitting here at this table, Leigh and I are examples these dichotomous decisions. She, a fiercely independent career-minded woman who has seen and will continue to see incredible success as a result of her devotion to her work. And then myself, just as fiercely independent and career minded but side tracked by an unexpected marriage and pregnancy. Had it not been for a Homeland Security stop of my own who knows where I would be.

After our dinner, I forgot about the books and then life caught up with me until I stumbled across the Eat, Pray, Love trailer last night.

In just a few clicks I found Gilbert’s Website and a question and answer podcast on Commitment to Marriage. She discusses a few of the things that make a good marriage including: the woman maintaining her precious autonomy (career or passion) before, after and during the marriage, marrying over the age of 25 and another big one, managing our own expectations for what we can expect from marriage.

Managing our expectations seems to be the most challenging. After all, having been told about a Prince Charming since day one isn’t an easy thing to toss out. We want the romance. We want the ridiculous butterflies. And as Gilbert says, “We’re kind of making this up as we go.” This being, marrying out of love and not for pragmatic reasons like many of our parents and grandparents did. Listen to the podcast. You’ll be glad you did.

And then tell me, what do you expect from marriage? For those of you who have been married and divorced, are your expectations different now that they were? Perhaps more grounded in reality? And finally, do you hold men to the same expectations you have for yourself?

Everyone who comments will be entered to win a free new leaf necklace. I’ll draw a winner on Tuesday night.

Tisk. Tisk.

mssinglemama — Tue, 25 May 2010 02:38:22 +0000

While he was in the midst of folding towels tonight I remembered the first time John had attempted to help me with laundry. He had offered and I had agreed – reluctantly. And then, in my true defensive and self-protective fashion, I snapped something at him like, “you’re not folding them tight enough. Just let me do it.”

And then tonight there he was, months and many tests later, folding a massive pile of laundry – perfectly. That’s when I realized he’s been folding it perfectly all along. Okay, well maybe not perfectly, but close enough.

“I was so mean to you when we first started dating,” I told him.

And in true John Bear fashion he answered without defense, “No, you weren’t. You were just scared.”

“I was testing you. So many tests.”

“But you had to, because you wanted to make sure I wasn’t like him.”

By “him” he meant my ex-husband. My ex-husband who was less than helpful in all aspects of my life, not just with the laundry pile.

“And besides, I needed a good kick in the butt to snap me out of my bachelor lifestyle.”

“I know. But still…”

“Listen, Babe. It’s fine. We’re here now and everything worked out.”

He was right. It has worked out but, how? How did we survive all of that stuff at the beginning, all of those growing pains?

We both had to change, to compromise, to accept each other and all of our baggage and to learn that things like loose towels and a defensive reflex are not deal breakers but traits, things that can be improved with practice and in time. And having issues up front, hammering all of this away before moving in together, getting engaged, even allowing him to discipline Benjamin, in my eyes, doesn’t make our story any less romantic – it makes it practical and less risky.

We’re all single moms. We know the consequences of ignoring the obvious, of not working through relationship issues, of being with the wrong men for the wrong reasons.

Perhaps, that’s why I’ve become so engrossed in Lori Gottlieb’s Marry Him: The Case for Setting for Mr. Good Enough. I bought the book at a time when John and I’s relationship had reached a turning point. We were either going to work through some issues or… well, the “or” would not have been pretty.

The ultra condensed version of Marry Him is this: if you have a laundry list of traits you’re looking for in a man (like “perfect laundry folder”), there’s a good chance you’re eliminating just about every guy out there. You may just be too picky. And who can blame you? We’ve all had the Prince Charming Complex cast upon us since birth.

A classic example is this, women often say they want a man who is spontaneous and romantic but who also has a stable career and income. Or they want someone who is over 6′ tall but he can’t be balding or have any excess body hair – and don’t forget about his shoes – he has to have nice shoes.

There are so many reasons we can find to cast men aside. We have so many choices and also the ability to survive just fine without a man around. But, is there a consequence? Are we throwing away perfectly good men for reasons that, when you think about it, are really quite ridiculous?

Gottlieb isn’t asking you to settle for someone. She is just asking you to take an honest look at yourself and how you date. If the controversial title ruffles your feathers, ignore it. Seriously. You and every other woman on the planet – married, single, young, old – needs to read Marry Him.

Leave a comment and you’ll be entered to win a copy. Deadline to comment is Friday the 28th at Midnight (EST).

And… by the way, I didn’t always feel this way about Gottlieb’s theory.

At the start

mssinglemama — Wed, 14 Apr 2010 02:52:25 +0000

I have been so wrapped up in my own happiness lately – with my work, with John, with Benjamin (and not necessarily in that order, fluctuates with the day or more often, the time of day) – that I have lost sight of why I started this blog in the first place.

A few weeks ago I received this e-mail from one of you and it felt like something I could have written when I started blogging and really dating, when Benjamin was just a toddler and when I was just beginning to feel again. Her words had be gasping for air and grabbing John Bear, scrolling through my iPhone like a frantic person, enthralled at her beauty and strength and then wanting to punch the guy who said such a thing.

Alaina,
I’ve had a love-hate relationship with this blog for almost a year now. I have an 18 month old and I was single throughout my pregnancy, had a 3 month attempt at a relationship with his father after he was born, then once again found myself under the title “Single Mother”. At first I was jealous of your creativity, positivity, and dedication to writing. Then I became jealous of your “abandonment” of the single mother title by getting involved with someone great.
Now I am just thankful for your articles, your posts, and for providing hope for those of us who have no hope, who feel like we’ll retain the hated title of “Single Mother” forever. I’ve been through the ringer when it comes to dating. I actually had a man curl up to me and whisper in my ear, “You’d be perfect if you didn’t have a child.”
After several failed first, second, third dates, I told myself I wouldn’t date again for 6 months. As luck would have it, I met someone great. We’ve gone on two dates, spent hours talking and laughing… if he wasn’t leaving the state in a few months he’d be perfect.
I cried after he hugged me the first time, as soon as his car was far from the scene and came home from both perfect dates more depressed than ever. Is this all I get? a temporary distraction with someone wonderful? Are these dates with an intelligent, insightful man the best I can get? Somebody wonderful and temporary? The conversation, the chaste hug (I ducked when he tried to kiss me), the laughter, the sharing… these crumbs of intimacy, are they the feast during famine for single moms like me?
Nicole

I count my dating years as a single mom by Benjamin’s age. I know, I know. But, it’s easy. His age – minus four months. Everything after the first year is documented here on this blog… well, nearly everything. I often stopped short of expressing my raw hurt, wanting to keep you all sheltered from my own feelings of complete loss, complete and utter despair at my situation as a single mom.

I, too, had no hope.

But then, bit by bit the hope returned because I started (thanks to you) to believe in myself again, to believe that even if a man didn’t show up I would be fine. I lived through Benjamin, letting his laughter and light carry me on in my darkest days.

I also avoided bad men like the plague. Had I bumped into one who would have said I’d be perfect if I weren’t a mother I may have actually kicked him out of my bed before promptly shoving his ass out of my door. Or, is that just easy to write now – now that I’m in the clear and far past those first few years? I’m not sure but I hope you know how absolutely ridiculous it would be for any “man” to not love you because you have children. Children are children. If you can’t love children than who are you? You are still you and love is still love.

Just know something, please, all of my single mamas – this is just the beginning. You can let this consume you, or you can rise above it and come out stronger, happier and yes, in love again (with someone far more worthy than your ex).

And as for having a love hate relationship with my blog. I totally understand. Feel the same way myself sometimes. But happy to be here, happy that you’re all here. And by the way – Nicole has since had a third date. I love her blog. It reminds me of mine when I started. Pop over and say hi.

Butterflies vs. Lead Weights

mssinglemama — Sun, 21 Feb 2010 23:02:42 +0000

When I met John Bear I didn’t have non-stop butterflies jumping around in my stomach.

I didn’t ache or pine for him.

I didn’t daydream about him, waiting for him to call.

Instead, I felt like a level-headed woman, slowly falling for someone who swept me away with his generosity, kind spirit, sweet surprises and constant mantra, “I’m not going anywhere.”

And he didn’t go anywhere. Not then.

Not even then.

And not now.

And I don’t think that’s going to change anytime soon. We are completely and utterly into each other, but in a new kind of way (for both of us).

Earlier this weekend a single mom girlfriend of mine was telling me about a recent nice guy she’s dating who pampers her with dinners, gifts, nice words and kind actions but there’s something missing.

“I just don’t feel the butterflies,” she said.

And while this guy may not be a keeper, I still had to slap down some advice in hopes of breaking her in for a future of dating only nice guys, or as I like to call them – real men.

“You don’t have to feel butterflies right away. They’re like a drug, clouding your judgment. You should feel lead weights and they drop once every few weeks. They mean something, you feel calm, happy… content.”

This morning John Bear, Benjamin and I headed to Barnes & Noble. On the way in I snapped up a copy of Lori Gottlieb’s Marry Him. When I first read the article that sparked the book I wrote this blog post exploring some of her ideas. Her words had touched a few nerves but I listened and digested her thoughts wondering if I had just lost my Mr. Good Enough. In my case, Kris. Mr. Good Enough, Gottlieb argued was the guy many “picky” single women pass up on while searching for Mr. Right, Mr. Perfect 10, Mr. Knight in Shining Armor. By eliminating men because they were balding, or had a weird twitching eye – whatever – she argued we were setting ourselves up to be alone, forever.

I didn’t mind the thought of being alone forever and wrote:

Lori Gottlieb can husband shop all she wants, but this single mom is not ready for one again.
But, if I do meet someone who wants to grab my hand and pull me off of that cliff – I might reconsider. In otherwords, I may be a single mom but I still need the sparks and there’s no way I’m settling.

Now, well over one year later and 10 months into the greatest relationship I’ve ever been had, I have to say – I completely agree with her. But would I call John Bear my Mr. Good Enough? Did I settle? No way. I am still wrapped up in that warm blanket, soaking it all in – loving this and him like I never imagined. With that said, I don’t and have never felt with him the same kind of crazy butterflies and sparkage I felt with prior alpha-male, bad boys. This, I believe, is an incredibly positive thing.

I’ve already done the studly guy with the foreign accent who gives you millions upon millions of butterflies but no substance, no lead weights that drop into the pit of your stomach and knock the wind out of you. So it’s not that you’re settling for Mr. Good Enough, I think that’s the touch-point Gottlieb gets everyone riled up on – instead, it’s about choosing to settle down with a man for all of the right reasons, not the wrong ones.

I think Carrie Sloan of LemonDrop.com nailed it in her review or Marry Him!:

The thing is, the most unsettling part of the book for me was the word “settle,” because, despite the title, that’s not exactly what Gottlieb’s espousing. She’s simply suggesting you not walk in the shoes of her younger self: A very particular girl who wrote guys off indiscriminately, for all the wrong reasons, for too long. And, when you are ready to settle down, look for someone who’s going to be a good partner, rather than, say, a master sexter with bedroom eyes.

And then she added in regards to her recent marriage,

I don’t think either one of us thinks we’ve settled. It’s more that we grew up. And I think all Gottlieb’s urging you to do is use your perch on the bar to scan the room for nice guys you might otherwise overlook — because you might find they grow on you when the time comes not to settle, but to settle down.

After I put her book down I took a seat on the floor by the train table at Barnes and Noble and watched as John Bear tossed a giggling Benjamin up and down in the air. The nicest guy in the world who happens to be earning his way deeper and deeper into my heart, one lead weight at a time.

Forget the butterflies. Seriously. Butterflies are for teenagers.

Back up reading (old posts I’ve written on all of this):

Do you still believe in the one? I certainly hope not.
My Must Have Man List
Did I lose my Mr. Good Enough?
That Couple

New Love

mssinglemama — Mon, 04 Jan 2010 03:33:15 +0000

On New Year’s Eve, John Bear’s little brother brought his girlfriend along from New York City.

The two are absolutely smitten with each other and I couldn’t help but take picture after picture of them.

Maybe because they’re so damn cute together

or maybe because I could picture them just like this walking down a busy street in New York City.

Or maybe I wanted to capture, through a lens, what it feels like to be that young and that ready to dive head first into whatever comes.

because for them, the rest of the world doesn’t really exist right now.

And that is so incredibly awesome.

I’m definitely a fan of love now. It’s slightly obnoxious.

Or maybe it’s just these brothers.

Trouble.

They’re both trouble. And totally taken.

[And that's Mr. Papa Bear himself to the right of John there. All of my pictures from our trip to Chicago and New Year's are here.]

If you’re really looking for romantic inspiration check out the latest creation from my beautiful friend Morgan – Bluegrass Romance - she’s challenging herself to weekly missions of adventure and romance throughout 2010. As if moving across the country to marry your true love as a single mama wasn’t enough! Morgan rocks.

—-

Your entries to my New Leaf, New Year contest have been out of this world. I’m announcing the winner very soon.

Holidaze

mssinglemama — Mon, 28 Dec 2009 14:49:54 +0000

We’ve been down to Athens. Up to Cleveland. Back to Columbus. And now Benjamin and I are prepping to take off for Chicago. Then after Chicago it’s back to Cleveland for a wedding on New Year’s Eve.

I should be doing something cool like leaving a bread crumb trail across Ohio and the Midwest, but instead I’m just taking a lot of pictures. Like this one of Mom’s new house.

And a few from inside

See more here.

—-

John and I survived our first holidays together, but not without some growing pains.

Our relationship is moving into another territory. I go back and forth between being completely freaked out by the idea of commitment to completely embracing of whatever the future brings. We were talking about it one night, about 2010 and what comes next when I felt completely cold, frozen in fear.

The fear is of myself, of my own misjudgment in the past. The fear that I’ll change my mind or wake up one day wanting something else. I’m sure these are all defense mechinisms, finely tuned beyond the point of recognition – protecting me from truly feeling and experiencing love.

I was washing the dishes and wishing I could be one of the plates. Clean now. Ready for another meal. Completely unaware of what happened in the past. Then John said, “I know I’m a big, hairy Irish guy but come on? I’m not that bad, am I?”

No, baby, I thought as I hugged him – you’re not that bad at all, you’re absolutely perfect.

It’s me.

Marriage and the thought of marriage sends chills down my spine. I’ve been there before and it was a nightmare. And even though John and my ex couldn’t be more different, they have one thing in common – me. And I am not a plate.

But the more milestones we survive, the more he surprises me with his ability to calm me down, to walk me back from that cliff I become convinced that he may just be the best damn dishwasher I’ve ever met.

The weekend

Love

mssinglemama — Tue, 03 Nov 2009 02:51:53 +0000

My little sister wrote this unbelievable story.

The main character, a young woman who has been mauled by a crazed dog feels as if the ugliness inside of her is now on the outside for everyone (namely the men she dates) to see. The short story is actually published, for real, in a for real publication – the Indiana Review.

I highly recommend you find a copy.

That story is a mish-mash of she and I’s dating lives during our early 20′s. Choosing the wrong men, dumping the right ones – all for the wrong reasons. But then facing those scars, bringing them out into the open and wanting to hide so desperately that it hurts. But you can’t hide when someone loves you like this because he’s not going anywhere, no matter how hard you try to scare him away.

When you’ve shown a man that side of yourself and he’s still around, and still smiling at you like this

it’s enough to make any girl consider throwing in that single towel.

Man things (and a video)

mssinglemama — Wed, 30 Sep 2009 12:13:53 +0000

When I first started dating John Bear his dog drove me crazy.

Every time I would come over Murphy would jump on me, scratching my bare legs with his thick doggy claws and if he wasn’t jumping he was panting and staring at me, all the while emitting a subtle doggy smell. When I put two and two together and realized that John let Murphy sleep up in his bed with him I freaked out, “Gross! That’s just so disgusting.”

“Why? He’s just a dog. He doesn’t even shed and he’s hypo allergenic.”

“Hypo allergenic? A dog can be hypo allergenic? You’ve got to be kidding me.”

“He’s not that bad, you just have to get used to him. I promise. And you would never let a dog sleep in the bed with you?”

“No,” I snapped, “Never ever.”

That was five months ago. Now Murphy spends every single day at my place while John goes into his office. The little white fur ball follows me everywhere and we even cuddle – on couches, on beds, anywhere we can. Benjamin adores Murphy. The two wrestle, chase each other and even play hide and seek. I just can’t imagine our life without that damn dog and I am completely smitten.

One day we were sitting outside of the coffee shop and a few older ladies walked by (they always love Murphy).

“How long have you had him?” they asked.

“Well, he’s actually my boyfriend’s but I am just in love with him.”

“And the boyfriend too, you love him too right?”

“Oh yes, absolutely.”

“Good, because that would be kind of awkward if you didn’t.”

I love old ladies. They’re so blunt and honest, they speak my language. After they walked off I sat there with Murphy realizing just how far I’ve come in five months. I went from barely believing in love to feeling it in every moment. I am surrounded by love from John, Benjamin and yes, little Murphy. And to be honest, I am not sure who fell in love with who first but now there are the four of us… all in love with each other.

A happy foursome.

I’m telling you this story because I think it’s amazing how much we can change when slowly introduced to something new by someone we love. Slowly being the key. So there’s something else I used to hate with a passion, aside from dogs, and it was football. Back in the day someone at my old job gave me tickets to an Ohio State game and I left them in my mailbox at work, completely forgot about them. They went unused and I got a bit of a lecture from my co-worker, “If you’re not going to use them, at least give them away. Don’t leave them sitting there for everyone to see on Monday morning.”

Yeah. Football. Not really a fan.

But John Bear loves it, which means Benjamin loves it…

The other day Benjamin was even talking about some guy named Jerry Rice (is that right).

I don’t even know. Knowing that John Bear loves football and knowing that it can’t be easy dating me, I chose the Football mission this month for the Fiesta Movement.

Here’s the video.

And a picture of that damn dog because I’m so in love… can’t help it!