Single Mom | Single Mom Blog | Ms. Single Mama » relationship

That Couple

mssinglemama — Tue, 02 Jun 2009 00:59:42 +0000

Larry is in his seventies but his eyes are young.

He had a major hand in creating the Hocking Valley Scenic Railway, a thriving tourist destination for Athens County and his energy seems to be endless. He’ll never acknowledge his age with words or by his actions and I find this amazing and inspiring.

We’ve just wrapped up a meeting and now we’re saying our good byes in the doorway to the Athens County Visitors Bureau. The Bureau is my refuge and my savior. My home town, I feel, is cradling me – rocking me back to health and in turn I am enlightening thousands of tourists to pay us a visit.

Larry is lingering.

“So have you found a nice guy yet?” he asks.

Every time I meet a WWII vet like Larry I immediately conjure up images of men like Gregory Peck and Spencer Tracy on battle lines or at fancy dinner tables puffing on cigarettes, he is no exception.

“No, not yet. There aren’t any around or something, or maybe I just don’t know where to look or maybe I’m not ready,” my voice cracks a bit.

The tears have been coming easily lately.

It’s been nine months of single motherhood and I have yet to see a glimmer of hope, even though I’ve been dating not one man has shown promise of being something.

I want to hear words of wisdom from Larry, so I stop, look down at my shuffling feet and then I listen.

“Don’t you worry, Beautiful. One of these days a man is going to find you and he’s going to sweep you off your feet. You won’t even know what hit ya.”

“Really? A man can do that? I’m not sure if that’s possible,” I’m looking up at him now wondering how I must appear, as a damsel in distress with the flowered skirt to match.

But even though I look the damsel, someone who could potentially be swept up into a romantic whirlwind, I am a single mother. I have a one-year-old at home who I can’t stop thinking about, not even if I try. Can a man ever really understand that or fit into my life?

The reality of it all smacks into me like a wave and I start shaking my head before he can even answer.

“No, Larry, it’s not possible… not unless he can change diapers and be woken up in the middle of the night – every night.”

“Oh it is, sweet heart – trust me on this one, it definitely is. Just you wait.”

Larry was right. I just had to be patient and stop looking.

—–

The Bear leaves me at the bar for a second to use the bathroom.

I trace my fingers across the rim of the glass holding my beer. The men across the bar are there, starring. I can see them but they are just a blur, a wash of people.

Typically I would meet their eyes if even for a fleeting moment just to see if I could catch that spark, that thing I had been dreaming of for so many years, that feeling I had yet to experience. But now, I keep my eyes down and a slight smile creeps across my face and then it grows wider.

I can’t contain it anymore, not even in a bar filled with men.

I’m being swept.

He’s completely endearing, fascinatingly intelligent, funny as hell and totally adorable. He also has drive, passion and a humor for life. He’s all of these things but there’s something else… he cares.

Suddenly an entirely new feeling slips over me.

It’s the feeling of having a warm blanket wrapped around your shoulders, the feeling of being absolutely satisfied, filled up, rested, cared for, loved… whatever it is, I like it and I sink into my bar stool and just exhale. And then he’s there, his arm wraps around my shoulder and he says, “you okay?”

“Definitely,” I smile.

“Oh, I know that look,” he says, “that’s a look I like.”

After a few more Raspberry Wheats, the Bear and I find ourselves in the center of the small but empty dance floor. He wraps his arms around my waist and we start swaying to the blue grass music floating in the air. Then he leans in and kisses my neck, then my cheek and then my lips.

“Stop,” I say, “what about all of the others, I feel bad – they don’t have this – and I don’t want to be that couple.”

“Screw them,” he says, “it’s our turn now. It’s our turn to be happy.”

Potential, people, this Bear fellow has potential.

—-

Back up reading:

Want a man? Stop looking for one.
How did the Bear get his name? You’d have to ask the Lion and the Tiger.
How we met.
Our first date.
A video of the Bear.

A new frontier.

mssinglemama — Mon, 10 Nov 2008 03:16:34 +0000

It’s officially – official.

Mr. Man and I are an item.

But because even uttering the word relationship makes my arm hairs stand on end, not out of joy but out of fear – I’ve decided to do some research. After all, it’s been years since I’ve been in a “real relationship” so I need to brush up. And thanks to my little poll, Will You Ever Get Married Again? I know that 72% of you are open to the idea, so hopefully this will be the first of many, many more lessons of what it’s like to be a single mom in a relationship.

That’s what this blog is for – we all learn together, as we go, using my experiences as the corner stone for the conversations we spark.

So let’s get cracking:

First research source – Mr. Man. Unlike myself, he is built for relationships – naturally empathetic, understanding, patient, respectful and oh so romantic. And then there’s me – skeptical, a bit of a cynic and definitely jaded.

Second research source – relationship articles.

Oprah’s nice book people sent me a copy of O’s Big Book of Happiness: The Best of O, the Oprah Magazine. When it landed on my doorstep I immediately flipped to the “Couples” section. I know it’s still early, Mr. Man and I have only been seeing each other for about a month, but my “real relationship” legs haven’t been tested in years so I thought I’d brush up.

Here are a few tidbits from one of the articles I loved titled, “8 Entirely New Ideas About Love.”

It’s good to be picky, very picky.

In a study of speed daters, Paul W. Eastwick and Eli J. Finkel, PhD, of Northwestern University, found that participants who picked a large number of matches were less likely to be picked themselves. It turns out that singles who show interest in every partner they encounter may come off not as eager and open but as just plain desperate.

Take a man as an example, one who sits there and says “she’s hot” and “she’s hot” and “that one is too.” We all have friends like this and they’re always single, aren’t they?

Finkel’s advice, “What you want is to be easy for one person to get and hard for everyone else, which will increase the likelihood of that one person’s liking you.” For more advice on this, check out my post on how to forget about men (works like a charm).

It’s not the journey, it’s the preparation

The authors suggest throwing your relationship into situational challenges before you get married. For example, a long road trip with lots of details or unexpected side roads. Well, we’re single moms so I think we’ve got the market cornered on situational challenges. See? Another bright side, we only get the strongest and best men for the job from the beginning.

It takes a strong woman to be needy

This one really hit home for me. Here’s an excerpt, “our culture tells us that to be needy is to be weak, but it’s really a tremendous strength to know what you need and to be able to ask for it. Beginning a conversation with what you need, rather than the more aggressive, ‘You never…’ or ‘You idiot’ is a way to complain that’s easier for your partner to hear and act on.”

So instead of saying, “I’m sick to death of cooking you dinner, you lazy man person,” say “You know, I’m sick of my own cooking. I think we need to go out to dinner, or have you take charge of dinner for a while.”

Coming soon: a divorce vaccine

Many couples wait until it’s too late, until their relationship is already broken, to try couples therapy. So marriage researcher James V. Cordova has created a Marriage Checkup program. Couples answer a series of questions and then get feedback. Cordova compares it to an X-ray or a blood test. In the meantime he recommends couples ask themselves three questions every year:

Does my partner feel safe being emotionally vulnerable with me?
Does my partner feel accepted?
Can I go to my partner for non-judgmental support?

Answering “no” to even one of these is a relationship red flag. And another cool piece of advice, avoid the most toxic relationship behavior of all – withdrawl. Cordova says, “It’s the equivalent of bingeing on Twinkies. Take – even confused, lost, sometimes frustrating talk – is always better.”

For the rest of the tips, pick up the book – it would actually make a sweet Christmas present for any woman.

—-

What are some of the most positive lessons you learned out of your past relationships? Leave a comment and pass them on…

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[Photo credit: Robert Doisneau, Rome]

Flirty texts… go away.

mssinglemama — Wed, 30 Jul 2008 03:20:37 +0000

My phone has been on fire for weeks now.

The culprits? A number of men, some of whom I really want to hear from and the others… well, I think they definitely have me in one of those “fish nets.” They cast a text out to a several women they’ve gathered numbers for over time and then wait for someone to bite on the bait.

I heard this “fish net” texting term from a gorgeous man I met recently who is wise in the ways of flirty texts. “My buddy actually purges his phone book once a month. He deletes the women who haven’t responded.”

I’d heard about mass texting before but didn’t know there was a name for it or that there was a science to it. Anyhow, I think I’m in two men’s nets right now and it’s really starting to annoy me. So I must vent.

Man #1: An engineer in his 20′s. We met at a bar while playing pool, over two months ago. Haven’t seen him since.

You may remember him, and yes, he’s still around … well I should say, he was around (I hope). After several more texts and two more back to back drunk dial phone calls I sent him this text:

I really appreciate my sleep. Please take my number out of your phone.

Haven’t heard from him since, but that was only a few days ago. I can only hope he deleted me.

Man #2: A single dad, in his late 30′s. We met at a poker game over one month ago. Again, haven’t seen him since.

He has been texting me every night for two weeks now. He may take a few nights off, but – sheesh – poor guy needs to get a clue.

Here’s a sampler of what he sends me:

July 24, 7:45pm

Would you like any company 2nite?

July 24, 9:33pm (same night)

Would you like any company 2nite? … I will be at the (bar) playing tx hold on (x) ave.

He almost got me here. I love poker so much I would play with, well – with anyone who had a deck of cards and some chips.

July 26, 10:47pm

I have a new btl of win. call me if interestd.

July 28, 6:41pm

I have a glass of wine, want 2 join me for a glass?

Ummm. Fellas, if you want to catch a fish, don’t light up her phone with text messages like these. Give me a reason. Ask me how I’m doing. Tell me a funny joke. Throw some variety out there. Stick out from the crowd. And DO NOT make sexual jokes unless you’ve at least established a relationship with us already. Or, man up and pick up the phone

Here’s and example of the perfect flirty text exchange – romantic and sweet:

Me: We should have pizza and wine at my place.

Him: I know it’s not a summer wine but do you like Cabernets? I know a good one that goes with pizza. Otherwise I have a good backup white.

Me: Sounds perfect! Should I grab the pizza?

Him: I can grab it. Let’s give you a well-deserved effortless night.

Wow. Now, that got my attention and scored him some major points.