It’s happening…

My relationship phobia is kicking in.

Always hits at the same time – after about one month. I start freaking out imagining this terminal diagnosis of actually being with someone indefinitely. Mr. Man has been incredibly patient -no, he has been more than patient – he has been considerate and totally understanding of my sudden mood swings and deflection of his warmth.

He calls these my “blockers” and they “scare the shit” out of him. It seems they are beyond my control. My gut is screaming at me – yelling actually – “You aren’t ready. You can’t do this because you don’t know how. Being single is much, much easier and besides men are a pain in the ass (eventually it always turns sour).” Then I act like a bitch or go cold on him.

A few nights ago, deep in freak out mode and feeling so frustrated with myself, I vented a bit to Matt Logelin. Ever since our SMW radio show together we’ve been e-mailing here and there, nurturing our virtual friendship which I can only hope becomes one in the flesh some day.

As a friend, he’s just as insightful and inspirational as he is on his blog:

Matt: How are you?

Me: I’m fine. Just trying to get my head around the idea of actually being with someone – being in a relationship again. I’m just not sure if I can handle the idea of permanency. So very scary to me. But he’s not threatening my freedom at all, and I realize not all people in relationships are locked down, unless they allow themselves to be and I’ve never been treated this well in my life (except by my father).

Just having a weak moment. And realizing that I probably need therapy for my commitment phobia.

Matt: i don’t think you need therapy at all. when you do this shit by yourself for so long you eventually resign yourself to the fact that you don’t need anyone else. i know that’s how i feel now that i’ve proven to myself that i am a capable parent.

it’s gonna take a long time for that mindset to change, even though you’ve found someone so amazing.

just keep enjoying yourself with no pressure. your issues will work themselves out.

i’m sure of it.

He’s right. I too resigned myself to the fact that I would be alone indefinitely a long time ago. So the idea of someone else joining the picture has me a bit overwhelmed. I’m not a freak, or a commitment phobe, I’m just a single parent – taking my time and having trouble envisioning an actual significant other in my life.

And just as it took me some time to adapt to being alone, it will take me time to adapt to being in a relationship. I’m thinking at least 6 months to a year. There’s a blessing in disguise in Mr. Man and I’s future… we’ll actually be apart due to circumstances neither one of us can control for just over three months this winter. (I may explain later but have to keep it close for now).

The time apart will be the perfect test… for me. I am quite certain Mr. Man will pass with flying colors.

P.S.

Matt, who lost his wife Liz just 25 hours after their daughter Madeline was born has partnered with SingleMindedWomen.com to create a My Stuff Bag Foundation charity. The charity provides clothing, toys and necessary items for abused, neglected and abandoned children (newborns – 18 yrs.) throughout the United States.

Please click here for more information. It would mean the world to me and to Matt if you’d make it the charity of choice this holiday season. And you wouldn’t have to splurge, there are items as low as $5.99 in the registry.

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I left my phone charger in California. And after one day with no interruptions and no friends to run my emotions by … I realized how nice it is to be disconnected. So I didn’t buy a new one. Now it’s been five days of phone free bliss and a lot of time to reflect. In one of my many quiet moments I had an epiphany – I am scared to death of falling in love again.

I have done it before, been completely swept away. At the time it seemed clear. He was the one. We could make it work. Til death do us part. But something had severely clouded my judgment and by the time I realized my mistake – it was too late – we were married.

Now my ex-husband is a walking, talking example of how blinded I can be by love. So, I don’t trust myself. There it is. Simple as that. And it doesn’t help that every Monday I get to see that shining example pull up into my driveway to take our son for 36 hours.

But what if my fear of falling for the wrong guy keeps me from falling for the right guy? When love does show up will I be brave enough to let myself fall? I hope so, for Benjamin’s sake. I would hate for the kid to miss out on having brothers and sisters or a full-time dad because “Mommy has baggage.”

So here’s my baggage dumping plan, effective immediately (because this shit has got to go):

Step 1: Identify Baggage

My ex-husband broke my heart. What if it happens again? Benjamin would be hurt and so would I … I’m protecting myself and Benjamin from my own silly heart that (in the past) has always fallen for the wrong guy. And what about the financial fall out? Divorce sucks. I also fear losing my freedom again to marriage (i.e. prison). Yeah, I know – that’s why they call it baggage. I have issues.

Step 2: Identify Effects of Baggage

I have fallen in love since becoming a single mother, with Kris … in the end neither one of us could take the big plunge into a deeper love. I kept him at a safe distance from my heart, didn’t grow too attached for fear of a painful break … and it worked. When we split it was painless. But we both lost something that had the potentional to be something. Two relationship phobes equals no relationship. But I learned from that experience. I also learned that I can fall in love and keep my head on my shoulders at the same time. So that’s the good news!

Step 3: Eliminate Baggage (the hard part)

I’m taking baby steps. I am. But … it could be a while. And I need to give myself that time. In the meantime I’m looking at each of my experiences with men with open eyes. Striping it down, recognizing when I’m pushing them away and when I’m just listening to obvious red flags. I have also realized that falling in love as a single mother will be different. (That was a huge step). That’s all I’ve got … clearly still working on this part. If you have any advice – please, by all means … help a single mama out.

What’s your baggage? Do you think my baggage is manageable? Any of this sound familiar?

[Photo: San Francisco beach]

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