It’s a question I have asked before…

And recently there has been a string of very passionate comments on my post, “She’s pregnant, should she tell the father?” It’s an issue that never gets old, especially for women who find themselves pregnant by a stranger or a passing boyfriend.

I know of two men who have found out they’ve fathered a child years after the fact. One is a class-act, completely diving into fatherhood. The other pays his child support but has never actually met his own son and has no desire to (something I can not understand at all). But humans will be humans, men will be men, and let’s face it, we aren’t always ready for the job.

So, if you’re pregnant and have no relationship with the father are you morally obligated to tell him? What do you think?

Hop over here to read the old post and the fascinating discussion that unfolded.

And let me throw a new question out there – what if she is going to have an abortion? Is the mother morally obligated to tell the father? Guys would you rather not know?

[P.S. A fantastic book, if you have found yourself in this situation, is Accidentally on Purpose by Mary Pols.]

Related posts:

1. She’s pregnant. Should she tell the father?

After Benjamin spends 36 hours with daddy I usually spend 48 hours repairing the damage. He’s extra needy and extra disobedient.

For example, I got home from work last night. Benjamin sees me – freaks out – and won’t let go. I seriously have to pee holding him in my arms while his dad fumbles around gathering up his stuff to head back to his girlfriend’s. Same scene every single week.

“It’s okay baby, I’m here, I’m here. Let daddy hold you for a second so mommy can change.” Nope. He proceeds to hold me in a death grip until his dad leaves. Sad for daddy, but what can I do? My kid and I are inseparable…

And then it’s time for damage control. Instead of hanging around the house (that he’s been stuck in all day with dad) we hop in the car for a super fun outing … last night it was house hunting and mountain climbing.

Tonight I picked him up from day care. Happy kid for approximately 45 minutes and then it begins. Hell. Toddler – Mommy hell. He’s been with dad for two days hell.

I was having a crappy day anyway. Tired, worn out. One word – progesterone. I’m usually much more up beat during the first two weeks of my cycle. TMI guys but hey – it’s the progesterone talking – so if you don’t like it … well, piss off! And, ladies, if you don’t know the difference between progesterone and estrogen look it up. You’ll freak out and say – “Oh, that’s why I wanted to kill someone yesterday.”

Anyway, I digress. Back to Benjamin and then I’ll get to the Barnes & Noble lady.

He doesn’t want to eat dinner so we head outside. And then…he takes off in a full sprint. He doesn’t just run down the driveway. No, he runs all the way down the sidewalk, up into the neighbors yard and then up the iron steps leading to the second story apartment. Yes, all the way up. His little fingers were just about to dip into mystery neighbor’s teeny tiny flower pots when I grabbed him.

I had to keep a very straight face because I wanted to laugh. I did. It was funny. These kinds of things make me laugh. I couldn’t care less what my neighbors think. I don’t have time to care. But I kept my straight, firm and mean mommy face as I carried him all the way back to the car and strapped him down. He’s screaming his brains out at this point and I’m ready to burst into tears.

Then we head to Barnes and Noble. Guaranteed fun and it’s right around the corner. Plus there was a new book I really, really wanted to buy – Rockabye: From Wild to Child.

I walk straight up to the customer service desk because I couldn’t find it on the shelf. There was a man behind the counter. Long hair, sexy all around, but he was helping someone else. I took my spot and waited. And then, she appeared, “Can I help you with anything?”

Sigh. She looks miserable. You know, those miserable people? The people you just want to punch because they’re just wasting space. (Progesterone). Anyway, she is one of those – clearly – because here I am holding an adorable two-year-old and she doesn’t even acknowledge that he’s there or that I am there for that matter.

Why can’t cute guy help me? Cute guy! Cute guy! Save me. But no.

“So what’s the title?” she asks.

“Rockabye.”

“How do you spell it?” Great. She’s also an idiot.

“R-o-c-k-a-b-y-e. It’s by Rebecca Woolf.”

“Here it is. From wild to child,” she’s reading this loudly as I’m holding my now fussing two-year-old, my hair disheveled, we’re both a dirty, gooey mess. She goes on to read the description, “A young woman discovers she is pregnant and gives up her wild ways for a child.” I imagine she does this every day. Just reads embarrassing descriptions out loud to mortify people who never buy books.

“Yes! That’s it.” I’m just pissed and then…

“Well we don’t have it. I can order it for you.” Bitch. (Progesterone).

“No, thanks, I’ll just try Amazon.” We immediately vere right to the kids section leaving her and cute guy behind.

P.S.

Benjamin and I had quite a wild time in the little kids section. SO much fun. They had a Thomas track set up. Hours of free entertainment…fyi. Do you have any great free outing ideas?

And check out the book and Rebecca’s blogs: Girls Gone Child and Straight from the Bottle.

P.P.S.

Sorry if this post is a bit “bitchy” on my part. Hopefully I’ll feel better tomorrow.

No related posts.

It’s a question so perplexing they’ve made movies about it … most recently “Knocked Up,” which I think is completely unrealistic. Laughable really.

What are the odds that a man who you’re not even in love with would miraculously become your knight in shining armor? If the main character would have ended up alone – would that really have been such a tragic ending? On the contrary, I think it would have been a story of strength. The strength to realize that staying with someone just because you’re pregnant may actually be the wrong one.

Claudia just commented on my “I LOVE Being a Single Mom” post with this question:

“Does anyone on this site have the issue of contemplating whether to tell the father of the baby that you are expecting? I am in that situation right now and am torn whether to tell him.

In the end this is a very selfish society, mostly men’s selfishness and no consideration for the feelings of anyone. Very controlling, but if I do tell the father, it will be me controlling the situation. His excuse for not being with me, dating, bars, meeting friends and family has been that he has to take care of things such as college and his new career. So I would be causing him more stress and things to worry about. Or would I? Would he be so selfish that he as some men never contact me nor the child? Should I care what he thinks?“

Unfortunately we humans haven’t developed psychic powers yet and most single moms (like myself) are in situations where we are constantly torn about whether or not the father should be in the picture.

Take my situation for example, I would kill for Benjamin’s father to be more involved. Our door has always, always been open for him to spend more time with his son. But for two years he never asks for extra time or calls to check in. His ambivalence often makes me wonder if he even really wants to be a father…or if he just feels obligated to stay near us. And of course, I wonder if an ambivalent father is better or worse than no father at all.

But I can not push him out of Benjamin’s life deliberately – not yet anyway. Not for intangible causes. Not because he “just doesn’t seem to care.” That would be crazy, right? The questions are always there…always. And none of us absolutely know the answers. So on that note…

My feelings are that she should tell him. It sounds like his life is on the fast track … but he does have a right to know.

Yes it might “ruin” his life – but life is hard. And eventually he might realize that being a parent is one of the most miraculous things we humble humans get to experience. If he doesn’t care and ignores Claudia and her child – he’ll still be obligated to pay child support, which I’m sure she’ll need. And if he is a fantastic father – than better still.

Guys- what do you think? Single Mamas – what should she do?

[Photo credit: http://www.motherhoodsonogram.com/]

Related posts:

1. His father wants to take him…I’m freaking out.
2. Daddy is coming back.
3. On sharing a child.