I’m announcing the winners to three contests today but you’re all winners.

You know why?

Because, long ago, you learned how to go on the potty. If you’ve seen this video you know I don’t like talking about bodily movements or anything close to them in public. But because Benjamin’s bowel movements, or lack thereof, are the reason I am up – right now – at 6:00 a.m., I feel obligated to share.

I am tired but happy, curled up in a little blanket on the big chair in the living room. Benjamin is coloring. I’m happy because he just ate a magnificent breakfast,  breakfast fit for a big kid – three eggs and an entire bowl of oatmeal. He woke up at 5:45 saying, “Mommy, I’m hungry.” Hungry and awake because last night he couldn’t go on the potty and then decided not to go at all. The tummy ache or cramped up poopy feeling made him pass on his dinner. Like the bad mommy that I am, I completely forgot to force a bowl of yogurt on him before bed. Now here we are – awake before the sun is even up.

I’ve tried every bribe in the book, every imaginable thing a kid could want he has been offered on multiple occasions. Last week, when he started clutching his belly and begging for a diaper, jumping up and down saying, “Mommy, it hurts, Mommy, it hurts! I need a diaper”, I told him a big, rotten fat lie. It went something like this, “While you were at your Daddy’s this week Santa came into the house and took each and every one of your diapers. Then he told me he’s watching to see if you poop on the potty. If you do, then he’ll bring you tons of presents at Christmas.”

The kid shot like a dart to the toilet, sat there for a few minutes and then dropped a tiny, little package that was worthy of me freaking out. Then Benjamin joined in the joyous shouting and jumping. At one point he even crushed his arms together like a WWF wrestler and growled, pulsing all of the muscles in his little neck, “I pooooooppped on the potttty. Grrrrrr.”

We called John Bear immediately, “Hello, Santa.” I said. “Benjamin just pooped on the potty and he wants to talk to you.”

“No way! He did?” John Bear was beyond thrilled. It’s something about being a man, he wants Benjamin to learn how to use the potty like one. The diaper thing, although John has been amazing about it, is definitely up there on the slightly uncomfortable although entirely tolerable side effects to dating a single mom.

“Yes, he totally pooped on the potty. So Santa, can you talk to Benjamin?” Benjamin was buying the whole thing hook line and sinker, gazing up at me with his mouth hanging open.

“I’m at work. I can’t do that right now,” he laughed. Well, you’re about to anyway, I thought while looking at my adoring kid.

“Okay, hold on Santa, here he is.”

I handed the phone to Benjamin and then I heard John Bear’s booming Santa voice pipe through the phone. Benjamin could barely speak and after a few seconds of chatting handed the phone back to me. Then we headed out to our favorite used toy store to pick out a prize and when we got home there was a mysterious present waiting on the kitchen table.

“How did this get here? It must have been Santa!” I exclaimed while Benjamin looked on in amazement at the Transformer bobble head doll.

“I was at the grocery store and I saw it so I picked it up,” John told me later. Wow. Perfect timing on all fronts. But, in spite of our flawless pre and post potty package drop extravaganza the next day when he had to go Benjamin gave me one look and then ran up into his room for a diaper. He didn’t even think twice about trying the potty again. We’ve been downplaying it and ignoring it ever since but still encouraging him to go when it’s time.

So, here I am. Wide awake and knowing that I’ll be exhausted in a few hours. Isn’t that the rule of parenthood though, the reason why we all fall off the face of the Earth for years after the newborn arrives – poop and sleep, poop and sleep and then other stuff like teething and growing pains and scary monsters in the closet.

Now you know why you’re all winners.

It’s because at one point in your life your mother was freaking out training you how to use the potty and eventually you both crossed that victory line together. You don’t remember it, I’m sure … but I promise you it was probably quite a feat.

Congratulations.

Now the winners of those fun contests:

My Single Mamas (a sexy contest)

Grand Prize Winner of the Flirty Apron, Ms. Single Mama Uncensored and New Leaf Necklace in brass is: La Primera.

Runners-up, who all receive a copy of Ms. Single Mama Uncensored:

Miss Kitty
Victoria
Hollie
Angela

My Super Hero Contest

Grand Prize Winner of the I’m Your Bus Back to School Kit, the BabyPop.com cape and a copy of Ms. Single Mama Unccensored is: Single Mom in New England!!!

[I pick these winners randomly by scrolling down with my finger on the screen and when it landed on her I freaked becuase she's been reading my blog since its start.]

Runners-up, who all receive a copy of Ms. Single Mama Uncensored and I’m Your Bus:

Carol
Kaylin
April

Haunted Bedford Contest

Winner a copy of Ms. Single Mama Uncensored: @alyssainez

Thanks everyone for entering. I think we had over 200 comments in all to the contests. You should know I read every single one of your comments, always. Can’t respond to all of them anymore but I am reading them.

More big contests coming up next week. Going to be really, really good. Not sure why but I get the coolest prizes ever.

Related posts:

1. Boys
2. Boys vs. Men
3. Lebron took off with my head

My first few days at my new job have been spectacular. 

On day one, I met up with some of you for a play date. Between chatting about dating, love and all of that other stuff only single moms truly understand I hand delivered some of your necklaces and watched as you delicately wrapped them around your necks.

What once was a vision, now a reality. 

[That's Jen by the way. Read her blog here. You'll be very glad you did - she is an amazing writer and such a strong single mom. I just can't believe we live about four blocks from each other.]

The next day I took Benjamin for a long over due hair cut. He was less than thrilled.

Afterwards we went straight to the park to burn off the sugar from the four suckers he downed. At some point he took another pee break, this time in front of a church. At least God is the only one who saw it this time.

I’m not quite sure what to do about this potty training/peeing in public thing. He just does it so quickly, by the time I notice his pants are already down and then – sigh … if he gets arrested I am so not bailing him out.

On day three I met with a reporter from a newspaper here in town and then his photographer stuffed me into my trunk to take some rather interesting photos. Here is evidence. 

On day four I started packing up your necklaces and quickly realized there’s a reason why PayPal has a “print shipping label” button.

Did I use it? No. 

Are you kidding? That would have been a wise business decision, saving me time and money.

But this is my business and I wanted each of you to have a hand labeled ugly orange envelope delivered to your doorsteps. Some of you are really lucky and have envelopes taped shut with all different types of tape. Somehow I finished them all up, in a daze of confusion with nightmares of envelopes falling open along the way or someone receiving an empty one.

Apparently I need to find a better system because my first batch of necklaces is sold out and you all keep ordering more. 

A printer may help, some shipping labels and envelopes that actually seal shut – oh, and did I mention I need more tape? Regardless your hand labeled, hand tapped envelopes bearing your gorgeous necklaces are on the way.

If I screwed up your order, or if you don’t receive your necklace within the next 5-10 business days please report here immediately and I’ll fire myself.

No related posts.

Mr. Man is still sending them to me, in letters and in voicemails.

He misses me and wants to do whatever he can to get back into our lives. I do miss him but I just can’t. Besides he’s far, far away now – off on that rocket ship – so we have some time to think about things. Seriously, he’s gone. That challenge I had alluded to in earlier posts about Mr. Man is happening right now.

Meanwhile Benjamin has yet to request Mr. Man’s presence or ask about his whereabouts. He seems completely satisfied with the rocket ship story. He also knows, because I tell him, that Mr. Man misses him. I’ve also been reading him parts of the letters he writes devoted exclusively to Benjamin.

Like this one:

To My Little Buddy, Benjamin;

Seems this trip to the moon is going to be a long one. I’ve seen some nice stuff along the way so far. The main thing is that we are all getting along together on the ship. There has been no biting, hitting or kicking. We also have this little boy on our ship about your age. His name is Huck. (This is a private joke between Mr. Man and I – I detest the name Huck, he claims to love it.)

Huck is trying to poop on the potty almost every night now. When ever Huck feels like he needs to go he comes to one of the adults and asks them to take him to the bathroom so he can try again, which is great because Huck used to go to his room to be by himself.

You let me know how you’re doing and I’ll pass the word on to Huck and when Huck has some luck you’ll hear from me. Okay?

I miss you Ben, and I hope you’re not sick anymore. Do me a favor and give your mom a big hug and kiss for me.

Benjamin is potty training by the way.

In this past week of fighting the diabolical flu I found Benjamin on the toilet twice. He’d carefully positioned his potty seat along with his stool and then jumped up there all on his own to go #2. I just heard him shouting from the bathroom, “Mommy, I POOOO – PEEEEEEE – on the POTTEEEEEE! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy!”

So now we’re on a roll. I haven’t been pressuring him to learn but now he’s taking off diapers even if they have just a little bit of pee in them. Super expensive habit.

Any tips would be great.

And there’s your Mr. Man update. Despite his flaws he does truly love Benjamin. Nice to know I picked a good one in that respect. If Benjamin did ever ask for him or need to see him – he’d be there in a heart beat.

[Photo credit: The Chad]

Related posts:

1. A sweet little reunion.
2. Adventures in Potty Training

How in the hell is cleaning out a little tiny plastic toilet easier than changing a diaper? Please, please experienced mommies enlighten me. How do you get the little toilet bowl clean? Do I have to scoop it out with a paper towel? Sigh.

And Benjamin just took his first pee pee in the potty!!! Standing up, of course because he’s 100% boy.

*UPDATE* I FOUND A BABY URINAL!!! No, I’m not shitting you.

Apparently I am the owner of an old-school potty chair. Tonight after Benjamin’s first little go my best friend’s daughter was over and promptly told me that Benjamin’s potty wasn’t nearly as cool as hers. “His doesn’t flush or anything?” she said. Oh yeah. I hadn’t installed the flushy noise thing yet. (Man job = postponed until last possible minute).

So, she uses it anyway. And then … I get a good healthy run at dumping the little bowl in my toilet. No way. No way. Wasn’t cool. And I love that little girl like she’s my own. I can’t imagine two more years of dumping out this little cup.

I call my mom, or Yoda. She raised six. (I’m in the middle).

“Are you kidding? What kid wants to go on a fake potty? Why should he? He knows its not real. Forget it, just get a stool.”

No plastic potty? Really? Mom is nuts. I’m going to keep the plastic potty around. In the meantime though I’ve been shopping for a cooler one … look what I found!!!

A toddler urinal. Yes, a toddler urinal.

And an Elmo potty! Yeah right.

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