1. Tell toddler his or her microscopic plastic monkey wants to ride in a boat. Hint: Make monkey whisper in your ear. Act alarmed and sad when plastic monkey tells you he’s never, ever been in a boat before.
2. Ask toddler if he or she knows where the monkey can find a boat.
3. Remind toddler of the toy boat in the bath tub.
4. Bonus: tell toddler the monkey also wants to help wash his or her hair!
5. Toddler will lead you by the hand to the tub, his or her jaw will hang open upon the realization that small plastic monkeys can whisper in Mommy’s ear.

Photo Evidence: Sorry it’s blurry, I was giggling.

See the little monkey???

He’s there, in the center of the white thing. HILARIOUS. Benjamin would check on him every few minutes, just to make sure the monkey was having a fine time in his boat.

Related posts:

1. Boyfriend + toddler + work = tired single mama
2. Toddler-free (for one week?)
3. Adventures in Potty Training

This is the man who will always, always have my heart in his pocket.

No related posts.

My darling babysitter (who practically raised Benjamin with me during the first year) sent us birthday presents from Nashville today. And for me – the funniest book I’ve seen in ages – Porn for New Moms. Open it and all you see are hot guys holding babies with quotes like, “so tell me again, what is the consistency of the poop?” or “sure, your girlfriends can drop their babies off here while you girls go to the bar” or “now, remember it’s my turn to do the midnight feeding – so don’t wake up.”

The appendix includes the Pornometer quiz titled “How much are You getting?” Here are a few of the questions:

When the baby cries in the middle of the night, does he:

a) quietly urge you to get some more sleep while he gets up and bottle-feeds the baby?

b) gently wake you and say he’s sorry but the baby needs you?

c) break out in a fake snore while forefully pushing you out of bed with both feet?

When he comes home from work, does he:

a) Kiss you, take the baby, and suggest you take some time for yourself?

b) Ask how your day was and willingly help when asked?

c) Ask if dinner’s ready yet, because he has to be at his poker game by 7:00?

Answering for my ex-husband – he scored -30 – 0 points and the book advises me to “seek an immediate upgrade.” Done and done. HILARIOUS!

The preface to the “book” cites a study showing that a mother’s sense of pleasure was incredibly heightened when looking at a man with a baby. Makes total sense to me. Back in my pre-mommy days a nice ass and designer jeans used to turn me on – now I guy mopping my floor or entertaining Benjamin is a million times hotter.

[This picture's quote is: "I poured your bath, and here's a glass of Chardonnay. And don't worry...even if it gets into the breast milk, it'll just help him fall asleep faster]

What are your biggest turn-ons? Let’s help the fellas dating single moms out a little, shall we?

Related posts:

1. Can single moms really “fall in love”?
2. Single moms and the men who love us.
3. A web site deceiving single moms