While he was in the midst of folding towels tonight I remembered the first time John had attempted to help me with laundry. He had offered and I had agreed – reluctantly. And then, in my true defensive and self-protective fashion, I snapped something at him like, “you’re not folding them tight enough. Just let me do it.”

And then tonight there he was, months and many tests later, folding a massive pile of laundry – perfectly. That’s when I realized he’s been folding it perfectly all along. Okay, well maybe not perfectly, but close enough.

“I was so mean to you when we first started dating,” I told him.

And in true John Bear fashion he answered without defense, “No, you weren’t. You were just scared.”

“I was testing you. So many tests.”

“But you had to, because you wanted to make sure I wasn’t like him.”

By “him” he meant my ex-husband. My ex-husband who was less than helpful in all aspects of my life, not just with the laundry pile.

“And besides, I needed a good kick in the butt to snap me out of my bachelor lifestyle.”

“I know. But still…”

“Listen, Babe. It’s fine. We’re here now and everything worked out.”

He was right. It has worked out but, how? How did we survive all of that stuff at the beginning, all of those growing pains?

We both had to change, to compromise, to accept each other and all of our baggage and to learn that things like loose towels and a defensive reflex are not deal breakers but traits, things that can be improved with practice and in time. And having issues up front, hammering all of this away before moving in together, getting engaged, even allowing him to discipline Benjamin, in my eyes, doesn’t make our story any less romantic – it makes it practical and less risky.

We’re all single moms. We know the consequences of ignoring the obvious, of not working through relationship issues, of being with the wrong men for the wrong reasons.

Perhaps, that’s why I’ve become so engrossed in Lori Gottlieb’s Marry Him: The Case for Setting for Mr. Good Enough.  I bought the book at a time when John and I’s relationship had reached a turning point. We were either going to work through some issues or… well, the “or” would not have been pretty.

The ultra condensed version of Marry Him is this: if you have a laundry list of traits you’re looking for in a man (like “perfect laundry folder”), there’s a good chance you’re eliminating just about every guy out there. You may just be too picky. And who can blame you? We’ve all had the Prince Charming Complex cast upon us since birth.

A classic example is this, women often say they want a man who is spontaneous and romantic but who also has a stable career and income. Or they want someone who is over 6′ tall but he can’t be balding or have any excess body hair – and don’t forget about his shoes – he has to have nice shoes.

There are so many reasons we can find to cast men aside. We have so many choices and also the ability to survive just fine without a man around. But, is there a consequence? Are we throwing away perfectly good men for reasons that, when you think about it, are really quite ridiculous?

Gottlieb isn’t asking you to settle for someone. She is just asking you to take an honest look at yourself and how you date. If the controversial title ruffles your feathers, ignore it. Seriously. You and every other woman on the planet – married, single, young, old – needs to read Marry Him.

Leave a comment and you’ll be entered to win a copy. Deadline to comment is Friday the 28th at Midnight (EST).

And… by the way, I didn’t always feel this way about Gottlieb’s theory.

• Did I lose my Mr. Good Enough?
• Lead Weights vs. Butterflies

Related posts:

1. Butterflies vs. Lead Weights
2. Name Your Fear and Win
3. Love

I’m a dating single mom. It’s hard. Very hard. The dating part. The single mom part, not so bad. You get used to it. You adapt and pretty soon, you can’t imagine life any other way. But the dating part – it can be a drag.

I am not in urgent need of a man to “save me.” It would be welcome, but it does me no good to pine for someone to sweep in and make my life easier. It took one year for me to come to peace with this. One year to suck it up and get over the fact that I’m on my own.

This weekend I was pondering my break up with Kris. And then I read Lori Gottlieb’s now famed “Marry Him!” article. I’d read it before, but this time instead of boiling over with rage I could see some of her points.

If you missed it, she’s a single mom (thanks to a sperm donor) and has never been married. She’s also in her mid-30′s and believes that single women and single moms need to start settling for Mr. Good Enough instead of waiting around for Mr. Perfect. And, according to Gottlieb, if any woman tells you she doesn’t want a man she’s lying to you and to herself.

Okay. That’s the part that makes my blood boil.

First of all, she may be a single mom, but she’s never been married to a guy who turns into a jerk. And yes, Lori, there are nice Mr. Good Enough’s who can turn into monsters too. It’s this idea – that to be happy as a single mom, I should be married – that infuriates me. It reinforces the stereotype that just because I’m single and with child – that I must be miserable and desperate for a husband.

But here are some of Gottlieb’s points I agree with:

Men are not perfect. We can’t expect them to be perfect, flawless beings who adore and fawn over us like Queens. I get that.

The pickings are slim. As we age, the selection of good guys left does diminish. After 35, the men big on commitment and starting a family have been snapped up. Do their wives appreciate them? That’s a different story all together.

Single moms have new priorities. When you’re a dating single mom your standards are different. You’re now looking for the perfect partner – not the perfect man. Which is why, when we do find one, we treat him like gold and appreciate him despite his flaws.

So, thanks to Lori’s article, all weekend I was freaking out thinking … “Oh my god, what if I lost my Mr. Good Enough?” So much so that I broke down and called Kris – “was it me? Did I drive you away? Was I a horrible girlfriend?”

“No,” he said sweetly, “no, not at all, why would you think that? We are just at such different places right now.”

And then it dawned on me. I didn’t lose my Mr. Good Enough…we lost each other – because neither one of us was ready to take the plunge, dive off of that cliff and just commit. Which means, that Lori Gottlieb can husband shop all she wants, but this single mom is not ready for one again.

But, if I do meet someone who wants to grab my hand and pull me off of that cliff – I might reconsider. In otherwords, I may be a single mom but I still need the sparks and there’s no way I’m settling.

What do you think about settling? Do you feel like you’re desperate to find someone new – or a new husband?

[Image credit - pulled directly from Gottlieb's article, here.]

Related posts:

1. Momma Cum Laude’s daughter is here!!!
2. Why I am a single mother.
3. Is marriage out of style?