by mssinglemama on January 27, 2009
“You sound stressed,” my friend said over the phone.
“Yeah, well, I guess I am.”
Is this getting harder or am I imagining it?
Terrible-twos? Really? I thought it was the threes. He is almost three, but still… I think it’s me. I’m impatient right now. I’m bored and yes, I’m a little stressed. But not because of him. Benjamin is amazing.
“Mommy,” he says, “I need to tell you something.”
It’s a phrase he learned from said Mommy.
Then he cups my face in his little hands and tells me something about his day, his feelings, or the nerf gun I bought him. He’s awesome. It’s totally me. Or is it? I just don’t know because this is the first time I’ve done this mom thing and I’m doing it alone.
There’s no one to bounce all of this shit off of … am I doing this right? Or that?
And it’s winter. I need sunshine. And it’s not just winter — it’s freezing. Last week the sun came out for one afternoon. Then the clouds rolled back in and we’ve been under them ever since.
I lived in Texas once – in Fort Worth. The sun never faded. When it did, the black storm clouds rolled through and they were gone twenty minutes later.
Distant storms. You could feel them on the breeze, just a whisper in the trees.
I discovered words like those at live concerts in the hot, Texas air with cowboys every which way and my little sister by my side. We were single and free and so incredibly happy. [click to continue…]
by mssinglemama on October 13, 2008
We all have one.
The man we let go… and shouldn’t have.
Mine is in South Korea. He moved there after we broke up and hasn’t come back since, aside from a few random visits. Once we met in Amsterdam – both of us are avid travelers – and once we met in Cleveland when he was visiting his parents. I was too young when we met, just 20, to realize that our relationship was the real thing.
I met him just after I’d found out my father had terminal cancer.
“I have to tell you something,” I said, while I was curled up in his arms. “Dating me won’t be easy because I just found out my father has cancer and he’s going to die.”
It’s like a hatchet. You throw it down and hope it doesn’t break the connection. If it doesn’t, if the wood is strong enough, it stays together. And we did – for nearly two years. I broke up with him when I found out he’d lied to me about something I didn’t understand. I didn’t take the time to understand – too young to work it out – to talk about it – to realize that our relationship was worth more.
Whenever I doubt my ability to truly love someone or be so connected to someone, I think of him. Because we were the best of friends and so insanely connected. It makes me believe that I can have something with a man, because aside from him I really haven’t.
When he found out I was a single mom it came via e-mail.
He called me a few months later to tell me if I needed anything – anything – to let him know. He was so incredibly supportive and pissed as hell at my ex-husband.
Tonight after the remarkable radio show, which you really should listen to – we found each other on iChat for the first time. Now I’m sitting here wondering why, after 8 years, I still feel so much for this man. Also wondering why, when you least expect it, a man gives you the most amazing butterflies.
And why are those butterflies so damn thrilling? DAMN IT. He’s in South Korea so it’s incredibly, phenomonally impossible.
Who’s the man you should have married?
Spill it. Because I just did and I might delete this in the morning for fear that he’s reading.
