Do you know what you would want from a man if he popped into your life (not what you need, but what you want)?

Here’s a starter list of some man qualities I think are mandatory before he can be single mom worthy:

1. Respect for you and the kids.

2. He should like you (a little bit) more than you like him. You should be fawned over because you don’t have time for the other way around. Soon it will balance out. But, at the beginning, you should be chased.

3. He accepts your past. I, as a single mom, have yet to make it far enough with someone who questioned my past or held it against me. I am almost certain I can pick these types of guys out from a line-up, so maybe that’s why. Regardless of how jerkdar accuaracy, avoid them like the plague. Bcause soon, they’ll be bringing up your past – the past the two of you share. Yuck. Yuck. Yuck.

4. He’s a role model. No drugs. No cheating. No jerk behavior. No abuse. And, an obvious one, but something to just put out there in black and white – would you be okay if your children grew up to be just like him?

5. He must respect the “kid thing”. If he gripes for a second about the kid, or battles for their attention then – sorry! - he’s not the one. There’s a difference, by the way, between legitimate concern over not enough one-on-one adult time and what I call griping. Use this as a measure – if he sounds at all like he’s whining or if he’s using it against you – there’s your answer.

6. He must accept you and your space. It’s no secret that most of us single moms have commitment issues. At least I do. He should be respectful of your issues, as troublesome as they are. But respecting and accepting them and your space will lead to open communication, trust on your part and, hopefully, a happy baggage-free ending.

7. Laziness is not an option. If he has a lazy side and shows consistent efforts to be more helpful and active over time, then make an exception. But I wouldn’t recommend a guy hooked on video games or attached to the television set.

8. Kindness is mandatory. He should never raise his voice, yell or scream. Guess what? The way your ex treated you was not normal, it was not okay and there are a million guys out there who will treat you with love and respect – like an adult. Go figure. I know. News to me too.

9. He wants you to be happy. If you’re happy, he’s happy. In life, in love, at home, at work. And you should feel the same way about his happiness.

10. He talks about the future. You’re a single mom. If you want a future with him, say it. If he avoids the conversation or is at all evasive – red flag. Move on and carry on. That’s not to say a future commitment can scare him a bit, that’s okay. But if he never talks about a future with you, generally speaking, that’s not a good sign.

I hope this helps. I just feel like I can see things so much clearer now that I’ve found a good one, and I want – as usual – to leave you with what I’ve learned.

Add or refute my list in the comments.

Back up reading:

Single Mom and the Men Who Love Us
How to Date a Single Mom (the series)

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When I first started dating John Bear his dog drove me crazy.

Every time I would come over Murphy would jump on me, scratching my bare legs with his thick doggy claws and if he wasn’t jumping he was panting and staring at me, all the while emitting a subtle doggy smell. When I put two and two together and realized that John let Murphy sleep up in his bed with him I freaked out, “Gross! That’s just so disgusting.”

“Why? He’s just a dog. He doesn’t even shed and he’s hypo allergenic.”

“Hypo allergenic? A dog can be hypo allergenic? You’ve got to be kidding me.”

“He’s not that bad, you just have to get used to him. I promise. And you would never let a dog sleep in the bed with you?”

“No,” I snapped, “Never ever.”

That was five months ago. Now Murphy spends every single day at my place while John goes into his office. The little white fur ball follows me everywhere and we even cuddle – on couches, on beds, anywhere we can. Benjamin adores Murphy. The two wrestle, chase each other and even play hide and seek. I just can’t imagine our life without that damn dog and I am completely smitten.

One day we were sitting outside of the coffee shop and a few older ladies walked by (they always love Murphy).

“How long have you had him?” they asked.

“Well, he’s actually my boyfriend’s but I am just in love with him.”

“And the boyfriend too, you love him too right?”

“Oh yes, absolutely.”

“Good, because that would be kind of awkward if you didn’t.”

I love old ladies. They’re so blunt and honest, they speak my language. After they walked off I sat there with Murphy realizing just how far I’ve come in five months. I went from barely believing in love to feeling it in every moment. I am surrounded by love from John, Benjamin and yes, little Murphy. And to be honest, I am not sure who fell in love with who first but now there are the four of us… all in love with each other.

A happy foursome.

I’m telling you this story because I think it’s amazing how much we can change when slowly introduced to something new by someone we love. Slowly being the key. So there’s something else I used to hate with a passion, aside from dogs, and it was football. Back in the day someone at my old job gave me tickets to an Ohio State game and I left them in my mailbox at work, completely forgot about them. They went unused and I got a bit of a lecture from my co-worker, “If you’re not going to use them, at least give them away. Don’t leave them sitting there for everyone to see on Monday morning.”

Yeah. Football. Not really a fan.

But John Bear loves it, which means Benjamin loves it…

The other day Benjamin was even talking about some guy named Jerry Rice (is that right).

I don’t even know. Knowing that John Bear loves football and knowing that it can’t be easy dating me, I chose the Football mission this month for the Fiesta Movement.

Here’s the video.

And a picture of that damn dog because I’m so in love… can’t help it!

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My son can’t wait to be a man. 

You don’t have to know him very well to instantly see that inside of this little three-year-old is a strong, tough guy waiting to come out and do man things all day.

Take my Uncle Dennis’ truck for example.

There is no place on Earth Benjamin would rather be than sitting in the back taking a donut break.

That’s why I’m going to hold pictures like this for ransom. 

Oh! And those underwear he has on – he calls them “panties”.

I did NOT do that on purpose.

I swear.

I honestly just called them panties for two weeks before it dawned on me, “Hey, that doesn’t sound right.” 

Too late. Panties they will be until someone else can convince him otherwise. See the rest of our Easter photos here – Martha Stewart would have a heart attack.

Happy Easter! 

We’re heading down to grandma’s today with Mia and Sydney, who are both doing really well (I’ll bug her for another post). 

—–

My ex’s request and hate mail [updates]

I’ve  decided to let Benjamin’s father keep him for two nights this week. Your advice on that was, as usual, spot on. My favorite tip is to take it week by week, see how it goes and always let Benjamin say if he wants to stay or vice versa. It’s all about Benjamin and if he wants his dad then he gets his dad. And even though my ex-husband has even expressed desires to go back to Canada, he’s still here. And I shouldn’t deprive my son of his father while he still has one around.  

I also do believe, especially after reading a comment from Canadian Bald Guy (a single father himself) that men can change as fathers because the children change. 

If you’re looking for something really awesome watch his video in response to  my hate letter. He basically tips his hat off to single mothers in a big, big way. Coming from a single dad that means the world to me and so did all of your comments. The world, people. Seriously. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

You all made her words disappear in an instant. 

No related posts.

Mr. Man is still sending them to me, in letters and in voicemails.

He misses me and wants to do whatever he can to get back into our lives. I do miss him but I just can’t. Besides he’s far, far away now – off on that rocket ship – so we have some time to think about things. Seriously, he’s gone. That challenge I had alluded to in earlier posts about Mr. Man is happening right now.

Meanwhile Benjamin has yet to request Mr. Man’s presence or ask about his whereabouts. He seems completely satisfied with the rocket ship story. He also knows, because I tell him, that Mr. Man misses him. I’ve also been reading him parts of the letters he writes devoted exclusively to Benjamin.

Like this one:

To My Little Buddy, Benjamin;

Seems this trip to the moon is going to be a long one. I’ve seen some nice stuff along the way so far. The main thing is that we are all getting along together on the ship. There has been no biting, hitting or kicking. We also have this little boy on our ship about your age. His name is Huck. (This is a private joke between Mr. Man and I – I detest the name Huck, he claims to love it.)

Huck is trying to poop on the potty almost every night now. When ever Huck feels like he needs to go he comes to one of the adults and asks them to take him to the bathroom so he can try again, which is great because Huck used to go to his room to be by himself.

You let me know how you’re doing and I’ll pass the word on to Huck and when Huck has some luck you’ll hear from me. Okay?

I miss you Ben, and I hope you’re not sick anymore. Do me a favor and give your mom a big hug and kiss for me.

Benjamin is potty training by the way.

In this past week of fighting the diabolical flu I found Benjamin on the toilet twice. He’d carefully positioned his potty seat along with his stool and then jumped up there all on his own to go #2. I just heard him shouting from the bathroom, “Mommy, I POOOO – PEEEEEEE – on the POTTEEEEEE! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy!”

So now we’re on a roll. I haven’t been pressuring him to learn but now he’s taking off diapers even if they have just a little bit of pee in them. Super expensive habit.

Any tips would be great.

And there’s your Mr. Man update. Despite his flaws he does truly love Benjamin. Nice to know I picked a good one in that respect. If Benjamin did ever ask for him or need to see him – he’d be there in a heart beat.

[Photo credit: The Chad]

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“I’m sorry I was so short with you on Sunday,” I told Mr. Man.

My fears got the best of me last weekend and I felt like a schmuck.

“It’s okay. You’re probably stressed. I still can’t believe how much you do – you never stop… ever. I mean, it’s just too much for one person to handle and working full-time on top of it… I don’t know how you single moms do it.”

“Yeah, I don’t know how we do it either, but we just do it – I think – because we don’t have any other choice. And we adapt.”

——

It’s odd because aside from Mr. Man, no one has really seen Benjamin and I in our element morning, noon and night. His first taste of our daily grind came through telephone conversations during the first few weeks.

“I can’t talk, I’ve gotta go again.”

“Okay, call me when you get a break,” he’d say or, “Okay, call me when he’s down.” Our first real phone conversation of the day still comes after Benjamin is asleep.

It wasn’t until a viral infection stole my will to live and my body’s ability to even get out of bed that Mr. Man spent several days in a row – here – in our little apartment. He came up to relieve my mother who had been here for five days. That Saturday morning I woke up to Benjamin’s happy morning bedroom chatter and then drifted back into sleep.

I didn’t wake up again until 11:00 a.m., the longest I’ve slept in since becoming a mother. When I did Mr. Man was lying next to me, watching me sleep.

“You look beautiful when you’re sleeping, you know.”

“Where’s Benjamin?” I muster.

“Upstairs, playing with his trains. He sure loves those trains.”

I tried to move and winced in pain. My body shuddering a bit from my chills.

“God, I hate seeing you like this. What can I do? What do you need?”

“Some tea, maybe, or a bath.”

He drew the bath water, made the tea and kept Benjamin occupied until I could move back into my bed. It’s no coincidence that Mr. Man knows how to be a husband and a father, it wouldn’t be his first time.

A 35-year-old single father, Mr. Man blames his own mistakes for the disintegration of his first marriage. A refreshing alternative to the single fathers I’ve dated who are constantly bashing their ex-wives, Mr. Man speaks very highly of his, “I screwed up. I didn’t appreciate what I had until it was gone.”

“I want you to meet her,” he said one night, “and I want you to meet Elizabeth.”

Elizabeth, his six-year-old daughter, lives over three hours away from Mr. Man so their time together is limited to every other weekend.

“But you need that time for you two,” I sound hesitant, because I am – scared to death of suddenly having the tables turned, of meeting the child of my new flame.

“She’ll love you, it’ll be great. I know you’ll all love each other,” his persistence ends there and he lets me think about it.

———–

Two weeks later, Mr. Man is guiding me to Elizabeth’s driveway.

I can barely drive, my nerves getting the best of me. For the first time, I would be meeting a date’s child. What if she hates me for taking the scant time she has with her father away from her? What if we don’t click? What if she’s a little monster child?

So this is what it’s really like to date a single parent, I think. Not easy.

I let Mr. Man walk in first to break the ice and get some alone time with Elizabeth before Benjamin and I followed. When we did Elizabeth popped down the stairs and ran up to both of us, “Hello, Benjamin – can I show you my room?”

I liked her immediately, all of them – Elizabeth, her mother and her step-father. Major points for Mr. Man.

Later that afternoon, one train museum later and two toys later, all four of us sat at a Bob Evans booth. Elizabeth grabbed her father’s ear and whispered something. He smiled.

“What?” I asked.

“Hey Benjamin,” said Elizabeth, “You’re Mom is hot. Can you say that? Say – ‘My Mom is hot’.”

I am going to kill you – I mouth to Mr. Man.

“It was her idea.”

We’re all laughing hysterically, and suddenly I feel like a kid again.

“Do you want to have more kids?” I ask Mr. Man.

“Do you?” He asks me back with a big smile.

“I’m not sure.”

“C’mon, we could have a whole team!”

He’s such a father, through and through.

——–

Edited for Mr. Man’s privacy and because now I’m freaking out about how much I’m sharing on here. Sorry! I just really want to respect his privacy, he did not request the edit – I’m just making an executive decision.

“Good night,” he says one night on the phone, “And don’t have any of those weird dreams of yours, instead dream of me pickin’ you wildflowers in the summer.”

Okay, I think, now that I can definitely do.

And I did, I fell asleep with visions of Mr. Man coming over with fresh flowers in his hands. This summer we’ll be free of what is about to come – a challenge, to say the least.

To be continued…

If you can’t get enough Mr. Man stories, click here for more.

[Photo: Mr. Man holding Elizabeth and Benjamin at the Train museum]

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Snippets from random phone conversations I had tonight between:

• Benjamin
• my sister
• a man who shall remain untalked about,
• and my mother.

Guess who said what:

1. “I had another dream about you last night. This time we were at a coffee shop and this guy gave you all of the day old croissants. You were so excited but that’s because you were flirting with him.”
2. “I can’t wait to see you.”
3. “The funny part is, when cupid hits you with the arrow you actually do go crazy – that’s the fucking, fucked up thing about it. I think it might be chemicals in the body or something, I’ve always wondered about that. When two people meet and there’s just this connection.”
4. “How’s Benjamin?”
5. “I would like to sell a few trees. I would have no money problems.”
6. “I love you, Alaina.
7. “Okay, now I’m nervous as hell.”

Answers are after the Read More… but think about it before you flip it.

1. My sister. That dream is SO scary. “Yeah, I’ll take the day-olds just because you’re cute.” I’m hoping she’s not telepathic or psychic but am not ruling it out.
2. The man and my mother.
3. My mother, in reference to her meeting my father… in a train. Today is her birthday and he’s not here. It still sucks.
4. All three
5. My mother. I think she was kidding, but I’m not entirely sure.
6. Benjamin. He calls me by first name because he know it makes me laugh.
7. The man.

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