I would like to introduce you to a phone.

That thing with numbers. You push them. Then you talk to the person on the other end, and if it’s a girl you’re asking out for the very first time you make the call at a reasonable hour – ask her questions about herself, yada, yada – find a mutual meeting spot and set a date. You DO NOT SEND A TEXT MESSAGE.

If I were 15, it might be okay. But I’m 29! And I want to date a man, not a boy.

Remember the guy who kept texting me? I was so annoyed I texted him to call me the next time. Five days later, not phone call and then – another text. At this point the Dane had landed and the guy didn’t have shot in hell, but this is still funny.

Here’s how it ended.

Five days later … another text!

His Text: What are you doing this weekend?

My Text: Going to Athens.

His Text: Ha! See ya there.

My Text: Which festival are you going to?

No response.

And then late that night, while I’m falling asleep… my phone rings. It’s him! What??? I send it to voice mail. Then it rings again! And he leaves another voice mail. Two voice mails. The next morning I listen to them.

Message 1:

“Hi, Alaina, It’s Engineer. I – ughhh – hope you still remember me, I’m the guy you met at the bar the other night. Anyway, I really hope we get to hang out again. Later.”

Message 2:

“Hi, Alaina!” repeat first message but slightly altered and insert “So, if you ever need help with your fish, let me know.”

MY FISH? I DON’T HAVE ANY FRICKING FISH.

What is wrong with this guy? He’s calling two separate girls. He probably doesn’t even remember what I look like. The thing is, he seemed relatively sober when we met, was totally together, sexy and smart. Now I can clearly see that he’s an alcoholic or something. Or is he just a complete idiot?

The next morning I call him back.

“Hi, Engineer, it’s Alaina.”

We are actually talking. For the first time since the night we met at a bar three weeks beforehand.

“So…you called me twice last night.”

“Oh, I totally don’t remember.”

“You said you’d help me with my fish. I don’t have any fish.”

“Well, I totally don’t remember.”

Random chit chat ensues and I hang up the phone completely mystified as to why and how I could have ever thought this guy was dateable. He proceeds to text me that night and then call me on Monday, I sent it to voicemail and this time he didn’t leave a message. And I’m not calling him back.

Moral: Guys – if you’re asking us out for the first time – call us! (we think texting constantly is creepy and cowardly); Ladies, respect yourself enough not to let them get away with it.

Had to finish this story before I could write about the weekend with the Dane.

[Photo caption: Lamborghini iPhone]

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