There’s a very interesting comment thread going on how much I love being a single mom….

It’s a fantastic discussion between Dad’s House and another single father, Jim. They’re debating on whether or not our children, the children of single parents, are essentially worse off because they’re being raised by single parents….very passionate stuff here. And a few things to keep in mind – every situation is unique and everyone is entitled to their own opinions and because we are all single parents we must respect everyone’s opinion because in this discussion – unfortunately no one has the answers.

Jim:

Maybe I’ll get flamed for this, but I’ll say it anyway: Kids should have both a mom and a dad to raise them, even if one, or both of them aren’t their “natural” parents (I’ve adopted). I’m not for this “It’s great/better to be a single mom (parent) stuff. Currently I’m a dad who gets his kids 1/2 the time, and it tears me up that my boys are being raised without a mom and dad in the same house, working together to raise them. But she wanted her freedom, and I guess that’s another story.

The point is, my children will not have the same advantages as children with two loving parents who stay together. I’m not proud of the fact that I’m divorced. I know that a lot of you, like me, found out that the person they loved was not who they thought they were, or they changed into something else along the way. We can’t help that. I’m not proud to be a single dad. This isn’t the way it was supposed to be.

Well, ‘bemoaning’ though I may be…
…I read how a lot of people who have posted here are they, themselves, happy to be a single parent. It makes them happy. To be single. They, the parent.

…what about the child? Are they happy about it? To read these posts, I think most of the children discussed are very young and have no concept of ‘dads’ or ‘marriage’ or any issues like that. But they’ll grow up. And have questions. And maybe they’ll be confused, and conflicted. Or maybe they’ll turn out just fine.

Look, maybe you’ve all been married to jerks, and so maybe you are quite right not to be with that person, who happens to be the other parent of your child. It’s a situation we’re all in, or we probably wouldn’t be posting here! I’m just saying that I, personally, don’t exalt in single parenthood, and -yes- I’m kinda bothered by those who do.

Dad’s House:

We all have our own opinions. I personally think it’s great that all these single parents feel good about being single. Maybe they went through rough times and came out stronger. As for my ex, she was not a jerk. I was married 9 years, divorced for 8, and I’m happier and more at peace now than I’ve ever been. The reason? I’ve changed a lot over the years, and changed my life perspective. Would I be as happy and at peace in a couple? Maybe. Are my kids suffering? No – they are happy and well adjusted.

And me:

Jim … I would give everything to have married a man like you – one who is so torn by not being able to see his kids 100% of the time. Which is exactly why I am a single parent. My son’s father has him for 36 hours a week – but usually cuts that time short and NEVER calls during the week to check in. He loves his son, I know this. But he was an awful husband, it was an awful match. But we got Benjamin out of it.

I was raised by two parents who were madly in love with each other. My father died when I was 21 and my mother is still putting the pieces back together. Despite losing him and despite watching my mother in all of this pain for 9 years…I would never trade my childhood for anything.

I want my son to have that. I want him to see two people in love. I have known so many men, so many women who were raised in loveless marriages and believe me – they have issues.

I do not mean to exalt my single parenthood … I am trying to make the best of a bad hand dealt to me…trying to look on the bright side and to believe that one day I will find someone like my father who will love myself and my son – until I find that man – I am going to make the best of being a single parent. And be happy. Because that – at the end of the day – is what will make Benjamin happy.

Most of the single women in this community – are single because their men left them or failed them in incredible ways. We were not given a choice and we are making the best of our situations.

Thanks for your input and I do hear your points – they are very good ones. A two parent household may be the best for some children – but not for mine because his father and I together… now that really would have fucked him up.

A note before we start flying off the handle attacking Jim – I tried not to in my comment … I mean this when I say that caring single fathers are so admirable. But this question he raises is one that makes me feel as if I am supposed to be ashamed for being a single parent. I am a proud single parent because I survived. And I survived hell to get here and make this work … and for what? For my son. The door is always open for his father to spend more time with Benjamin – but he never walks in. And, yes Jim, it breaks my heart.

Related posts:

1. Oh, those married people…
2. Obama’s Single Mama

Very, very funny. See? I’m not the only one who thinks husbands are a pain in the ass. And guys, I know there are exceptions, but c’mon? This is hysterical.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=aVARs1zsZzU

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1. Do men really care if you’re a single mom?
2. Do day care bugs ever end?
3. Shocking Hillary Clinton Video

After my last potential prince turned into a frog I looked at my best friend and said, “I just need a nice boyfriend.”

“I know,” she looked slightly concernted, “but it’s okay to be single for a while.” I realized…I have become way too desperate. It is okay to be single. It’s more than okay, it’s actually quite nice.

I used to love being single, used to relish in it and savour every moment knowing I could meet a new boyfriend any day and that these single moments would be lost. So in the past week it’s hit me – why do I really want a man? Do I even need one?

Sure, he could give me back rubs, sex, kisses, cuddles and hopefully make me laugh. But what else? Other than the fact that Benjamin will need a father, I can’t see any other reason to make room for a man in my life right now.

The reasons why I love being a single mom:

• I get to parent the way I want to parent
• I get to do whatever I want with Benjamin, whenever
• I get to focus 100% of my attention on Benjamin
• I am less stressed out
• I have more time to keep my life in order: cooking, cleaning, shopping
• I get to buy whatever I want without criticism
• I can hang out with whoever, whenever
• And the best part, I’m completely free and there’s always the chance that some day I will meet my Prince Charming.

Why do you love being a single mom?

Let’s focus on the positive for a moment, shall we? Being a single mom rocks. Really. We are pretty damn amazing. Every single mother I’ve ever met has been so strong, like a rock, fortified in her own solitude completely aware of the challenges and the rewards.

We don’t all have the answers. We don’t know why fate turned us down this path… but we go on, because we have to and in reality it’s not as hard as it sounds. At least we’re not married – that’s what really scares me. Do I need therapy? Maybe. Am I happy? Most of the time. Do I want to find someone eventually? Yes.

That will be another challenge and I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it. Right now I’ve got a pretty big bridge to cross. Can I cross two at once? Usually these things happen in a nice order. Love. Marriage. Baby in the baby carriage. Not baby in the baby carriage. Love and then marriage. But, doesn’t that sound like it could be, dare I say it, romantic and fun?

***UPDATE***

You might be interested in another post I wrote on loving single momminess that caused quite a stir with some angry readers. Read it here.

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1. Single Mom Night Out