Do you know what you would want from a man if he popped into your life (not what you need, but what you want)?

Here’s a starter list of some man qualities I think are mandatory before he can be single mom worthy:

1. Respect for you and the kids.

2. He should like you (a little bit) more than you like him. You should be fawned over because you don’t have time for the other way around. Soon it will balance out. But, at the beginning, you should be chased.

3. He accepts your past. I, as a single mom, have yet to make it far enough with someone who questioned my past or held it against me. I am almost certain I can pick these types of guys out from a line-up, so maybe that’s why. Regardless of how jerkdar accuaracy, avoid them like the plague. Bcause soon, they’ll be bringing up your past – the past the two of you share. Yuck. Yuck. Yuck.

4. He’s a role model. No drugs. No cheating. No jerk behavior. No abuse. And, an obvious one, but something to just put out there in black and white – would you be okay if your children grew up to be just like him?

5. He must respect the “kid thing”. If he gripes for a second about the kid, or battles for their attention then – sorry! - he’s not the one. There’s a difference, by the way, between legitimate concern over not enough one-on-one adult time and what I call griping. Use this as a measure – if he sounds at all like he’s whining or if he’s using it against you – there’s your answer.

6. He must accept you and your space. It’s no secret that most of us single moms have commitment issues. At least I do. He should be respectful of your issues, as troublesome as they are. But respecting and accepting them and your space will lead to open communication, trust on your part and, hopefully, a happy baggage-free ending.

7. Laziness is not an option. If he has a lazy side and shows consistent efforts to be more helpful and active over time, then make an exception. But I wouldn’t recommend a guy hooked on video games or attached to the television set.

8. Kindness is mandatory. He should never raise his voice, yell or scream. Guess what? The way your ex treated you was not normal, it was not okay and there are a million guys out there who will treat you with love and respect – like an adult. Go figure. I know. News to me too.

9. He wants you to be happy. If you’re happy, he’s happy. In life, in love, at home, at work. And you should feel the same way about his happiness.

10. He talks about the future. You’re a single mom. If you want a future with him, say it. If he avoids the conversation or is at all evasive – red flag. Move on and carry on. That’s not to say a future commitment can scare him a bit, that’s okay. But if he never talks about a future with you, generally speaking, that’s not a good sign.

I hope this helps. I just feel like I can see things so much clearer now that I’ve found a good one, and I want – as usual – to leave you with what I’ve learned.

Add or refute my list in the comments.

Back up reading:

Single Mom and the Men Who Love Us
How to Date a Single Mom (the series)

Related posts:

1. McCain had an affair??? Oh boy.
2. What women really want.

What every man should know.

I can’t take credit for the awesome title of this article. Sherri over at SingleEdition.com thought of it when she asked me to write a piece for her website. Check it out and let me know what you think.

What did I miss? What other tips would you give men dating single moms?

If you are a man dating a single mom read my series on How to Date a Single Mom:

How to Date a Single Mom, Part 1: The original, very useful list of tips for the guys.
How to Date a Single Mom, Part 2: What to tell a man dating a single mom?
How to Date a Single Mom, Part 3: Hear from a man who spent 5 days with Benjamin and I.
How to Date a Single Mom, Part 4: Take your vitamins.
How to Date a Single Mom Part 5: How to win a single mom’s trust and her heart.

Related posts:

1. How to Date a Single Mom, Part 5.
2. How to Date a Single Mom, Part 6
3. How to Date a Single Mom, Part 2

I often skip to the end of a story before it even starts.

My relationships are no exception.

When one begins I imagine the end.

But usually they don’t begin with flowers on Mother’s Day and a card from your three-year-old son.

I am telling this story without knowing the end and without predicting the end.

A new leaf.

—-

We met at 7:30 in the morning.

“So how much do you guys know about search engine optimization?” I was mingling with the crowd, getting a feel for their knowledge on the subject before I started my presentation.

“I know a bit,” he said modestly.

I quickly discovered that he didn’t just understand SEO, he lived and breathed it along with blogging, social marketing, web site development and all things interactive. He couldn’t possibly be single, I thought.

And those eyes with that smile.

I went up to present, making jokes the entire time – as I often do – about the keywords pointing to this blog like “most beautiful men” and “how to date a single mom.”

“It’s so cute,” I said, “all of these men who are in love with single moms.”

I looked at him when I said this and he was smiling.

Afterward he handed me his business card, “We should get together so we can ‘geek out’ about all of this stuff.”

“Definitely. Next week I’m free.”

Our geek session turned into a date after the first bottle of wine when he asked, “I’m not imagining this am I? I mean there’s something going on between us, right?”

He was adorable. And he was right.

To be continued…

[Sorry to be a tease but I am beyond exhausted].

Related Stories:

Read about the Tiger and the Lion, the two guys I was dating when I met the Bear.

Related posts:

1. In our beginning…
2. Shadows & Light
3. Oh boy.

The other night on Twitter (my new addiction) I stumbled across an interesting Tweet from a guy named Seth. Then I clicked through to his blog and felt like I’d slipped into the world of my male alter-ego. If I were a dude and childless, I think I’d be him.

I immediately asked him for a guest post on dating single moms… and just a few days later – here it is. (I love those productive types). I think you’ll love him too after reading this post, just what the doctor ordered for any single mom and the men who are lucky enough to date one of us.

And be sure to check out Seth’s blog, The Dating Papers.

——

On Dating Single Moms

By Seth, author of The Dating Papers

“I’m the mother of three kids. Ages 2 through 7. They live with me,” she said over a spoonful of macadamia white chocolate ice cream.

I remember Kathleen’s exact words not for their syllables but for the look on her face as she said them. The blank look of expectation as she waited for me to voice my rejection.

“You’re kidding. I’m not ready to have a family.” She expected me to say. Most single moms expect guys to run when they mention a child. This need not be the case.

For the single childless guys:

• Dating single moms isn’t more challenging than dating any other woman who has a major commitment in her life. You already know you don’t have any good advice for the Olympic swimmer who trains 10hrs a day. Telling a swimmer that eating more carrots will make her faster will end better for you than telling a single mom how to be a parent. Being a parent crosses everyone’s mind at some point. But nobody is asking you to be a parent just yet!
• Most kids grow up with only one dedicated parent. The old stereotype of mom staying at home and dad going to work supports this. Get over your belief that she needs you to help her take care of the kid. She doesn’t. Her primary worry at this point is probably that she’ll end up having to take care of you as well!
• The only advice you are allowed to give in a relationship with a single mom is the type that only involves the mom. You already have enough to worry about with getting to know this new person in your life.

For the single moms:

The percentage of guys in the world who will make you laugh on dates and moan in the bedroom hasn’t changed since you became a mom. The man of your dreams has not disappeared because you have a child. A woman with priorities and goals who takes care of herself is sexy regardless of how many kids she has! Don’t lose heart.

• Do not base your search for a relationship on a timeline. You do not need to secure a partner before your child turns five or any other age. You are not searching for a father for your child. You are searching for somebody to make you smile!
• Stop thinking that all the other single, childless women in the world are having great dates, amazing sex, and rewarding relationships. Most of them aren’t. However, quite a few of them are wondering if having a child would make them happier. Go figure.
• Your hectic mommy schedule means you have little time for dating. Use this to your advantage and schedule lunch dates or late morning coffee with the new guys your seemingly deranged friends foist on you. This is a practice you should have incorporated back in the day, but now that you’re here: use it! Do use your parent status to skip out on dates. There’s no reason to feel awkward for leaving a loser “because you forgot you need to pick up your kid!”

“Kathleen” I said, slowly “you have more kindness, more humor, and are unabashedly sexier than any of the spinsters I’ve met!” She laughed and we finished our desserts amidst animated conversation. Our casual date gave her the confidence to ask out a man she’d been eyeing for months. At last news, they were fighting like an old married couple and being good for each other. In the end, it seems that if you find a person who wants to create a sustainable and rewarding relationship with you, everything else will find its place.

»Stop by Seth’s blog if you get a chance.

——-

And my other How to Date a Single Mom posts:

How to Date a Single Mom, Part 1: The original, a very nice list on how to date a single mom.

How to Date a Single Mom, Part 2: What to tell a man dating a single mom?

How to Date a Single Mom, Part 3: Hear from a man who spent 5 days with Benjamin and I.

How to Date a Single Mom, Part 4: Take your vitamins.

How to Date a Single Mom, Part 5: How to win a single mom’s trust and her heart.

[Photo: John Boyd picture of a Couple pre- 1946 Credit: Finavon Copyright: Wikimedia Commons]