“If everything works out with John, Benjamin won’t know a time when he wasn’t around.”

As my therapist’s words sink in the last three years of my life flash through my mind; from the beginning when I packed everything up and moved into my mother’s, to the quiet nights at her house in the woods wondering and wishing myself away and back to some semblance of independence and then to the moment when Benjamin and I stepped into our own sweet, little apartment – ready to begin our new life.

What followed is all here, on this blog in my eBook, or safe in my mind.

I sit on her couch, staring off into a painting on the wall as I try to grasp this idea of him not remembering anything before John Bear. The memories wash over me – the adventures big and small – like the time we were yelled at by a hair salon owner or the countless grocery store trips that typically ended in knock down drag out tantrums. Then there were the big adventures like trips to find Joshua Trees

or deep forests and mountain coves in Vancouver.

And smaller adventures like hours of puddle jumping for no reason

or sweating it out on a hot summer day in August to hear our future president, a man also raised by a single mom, speak to us from about twenty feet away.

or chasing bunnies with Sydney.

Now, looking back, it is these moments – the moments when I forced myself out of the house with him, braving the book store, the library, the festivals, the camping trips and the road trips all by myself, trying to fill the time – that are the best memories I have of the two of us.

Memories of the moments when we both forgot where we were or when we just took our time

because we didn’t have anywhere else to be.

“So they’ll all be gone? He won’t remember a thing?” I ask my therapist or, as I fondly call her, Wonder Woman. She’s helping me to straighten out my trust issues and to figure out why, in the past, I had a pattern of choosing bad boys dysfunctional men.

“The emotions we all feel before the age of three are imprinted on our minds forever, but the actual memories are harder to keep so, no, he probably won’t remember any time that John wasn’t there. To Benjamin, he will have always been around.”

I am trying to see it as I typically would, to draw a clear line – a before and after, a then and now – but to me, meeting John and almost sensing that he was about to surface, was all part of one big transition for both Benjamin and I. Bringing John and Murphy into our lives is another family adventure but this time, we’re playing for keeps and we’re both falling.

Fortunately John is right there with us, helping us paddle the boat and proving his love through his actions over and over again. And even though part of me used to identify myself with being single, the fact is that, single or not I am still me and Benjamin is still Benjamin.

We’re just being introduced to some new things

and I am seeing expressions on his face and witnessing feelings I didn’t know he had in him

They seem so obvious now. A game, cracker jacks, a helmet filled with ice cream.

Love from a man who knows how to love.

“That’s okay,” I tell Wonder Woman, “I am happy and Benjamin is happy, that’s exactly what I’ve wanted all along. We’re just growing, making room for even more love – it doesn’t replace the love that already existed.” But that doesn’t mean I won’t be sneaking Benjamin off for a few more solo adventures or two.

In fact, I’ve been savoring our moments alone even more now. Not that we don’t like having John Bear around – we adore him (and so does Wonder Woman, by the way) – but this entire experience, of growing your heart and your family at the same time is something you need to take slowly. And while things have been speeding up as of late, while there is more and more talk of what is coming and as magnificent as it all sounds, it’s not perfect. Nothing is ever perfect. But, I can tell you, it’s a hell of a lot easier when you have a good, strong man there to catch you – a man who you know would never do or say anything to hurt you.

As for the imperfections, there are all kinds of things coming into play. My ex, for example, is becoming more and more agitated by Benjamin’s affectionate talk of this “John Bear.” We are also trying to learn how to co-parent… all other stories for another day, but for now I have a prize to give away.

[UPDATE: Just added photos from the baseball game to the bottom of my Recently Photo Album]

Single Mom Adventure Prize Pack

I don’t know why but I keep getting contacted by companies offering prizes too good to resist… maybe they’ll slow up soon enough but until then, let’s all have some fun and ride the contest wave, shall we? This one is particularly awesome…

Prize #1: A Shutterfly Photo Book

I spent most of this afternoon sorting through old pictures of Benjamin. I’m collecting them all to add to my set of Shutterfly photo books. The company contacted me asking if I’d be interested in some free samples (full disclosure). I said, “Sure, but only if my readers can have some too.” And guess what? They did. I have a few copies to give away!

I don’t know about you but I’m in love with photo print books because the pictures aren’t going to fade, get lost, separated from the album, etc. And Shutterfly books are surprising affordable and they have a big sale going on right now too. (They didn’t tell me to say that, by the way. No one ever tells me to say anything about their product because if they did I’d tell to go bug off).

Prize #2: A copy of Sole Mate by Lauren Mackler

I was reading Sole Mate: Mastering the Art of Aloneness when I met John. The author, a single mother, who had to move back to the U.S. from Europe with her two grown children after her marriage fell apart, is truly inspiring. I love this book and highly recommend it to everyone, even those of us in happy relationships.

How to enter:

The contest is open until Monday, September 14th. Just leave a comment telling me about one of your favorite adventures as a single mom and consider yourself entered.

Related posts:

1. My Kick Ass Christmas Contest!
2. Trippin’, Part 1