It’s less than one month away from Christmas. I have yet to buy a single present. I don’t know how I’m going to manage to afford them, let alone have the time to actually shop for them.

I was giving Benjamin his bath tonight and started humming a Christmas carol. I can never remember the words to songs, I have always just been a hummer. So, I’m humming along, he’s smiling – beaming actually – he loves music. And then I stop. It hits me like a ton of bricks. It’s all on me. Not just the house, the groceries, the daily cleaning (which I hate), the dressing, the cooking…but also, the teaching, the knowledge, the culture, the little things.

With one parent missing in action it means I will have to fill in all of the gaps. It just makes sense – having two parents in the house naturally means the child will have more interaction, more conversations, hear more conversations and in general, learn a lot more about the world – right? Oh man. This is going to get even harder isn’t it?

That’s how I’m feeling today. Very overwhelmed. Every once in a while it catches up to me. After night after night, day after day or the same routine. Here’s my Monday-Friday routine if anyone is curious:

6:30-7:00 – wake up, depending on when Benjamin wakes up.

7:00-7:30 – breakfast, breakfast clean up

7:30-8:00 – get everyone dressed, pack up and head out

8:00-8:30 – drop Benjamin off at day care, drive to work.

8:30-5:00 – work

5:00-5:30 – pick Benjamin up from day care

5:30-6:30 – dinner and play time

6:30-7:00 – bath and pajama time

7:00-7:45 – bedtime

7:45-9:00 – clean the kitchen, laundry, take my shower

9:00 – 10:00 – me time

On top of it all – Benjamin’s father hasn’t shown up now in six weeks. Six weeks. He called and left a message this weekend saying he was trying to save up money for a new car, but that it could be a while. He was returning my call when he left that message. He never calls me to see how Benjamin is doing – not once actually in the past six weeks.

I am completely alone. Some single moms have parents nearby or other helpful relatives. I have no one. And now his father is even completely out of the picture. Sorry I’m feeling a bit down tonight. Ups, downs and the spins – it happens.

I heard a contest on a radio show the other day… a quiz question, “what do mothers daydream about the most?” I listened as the moms called in, “a maid,” said one, “sleep,” said another. I had to jump out of the car and didn’t hear the official answer. But it got me thinking – what do I daydream about the most? A vacation, definitely up there. But on the top of the list – finding a partner…someone who loves Benjamin and I more than anything in the world. A maid would be nice too. Come to think of it, a maid/nanny might do the trick. I do have a spare room. Hmmmm….I wonder if she could sing some Christmas carols.

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