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Jon & Kate + the Del Mar?

mssinglemama — Tue, 04 Aug 2009 21:52:43 +0000

The e-mails one receives when quoted by CNN.com in regards to Jon & Kate Plus 8…

“I saw your comments on Kate and the rumors about her involement with her bodyguard. If the media did a little checking around, Kate has been know to have some connection with the Thoroughbred industry and horse racing. If you looked around the 6th floor of Del Mar a few weeks ago you would have your answer. ” – signed, Elrod.

Say what? Someone please translate. Here’s a photo of the Del Mar Race Track. So does this mean Kate is really a wild woman who makes out with body guards between bets on thoroughbreds? Do we really, really care, people?

Stop judging. Seriously.

The woman was just cheated on and has to see her ex parading around the tabloids with his new women. Can’t even imagine what she must be going through. With that said, as I mentioned to Lisa of CNN.com, I hope Jon and Kate rise to the occasion and set a good example for every divorced family watching in this country and unify for the sake of the children.

Kids first during a divorce – always and no matter what.

So can someone please translate the above e-mail for me? And I really wish I could give Kate a copy of Ms. Single Mama Uncensored. I know it would help.

Lance and Kate Split!

Sarah Jessica Parker – a single mom?

mssinglemama — Fri, 09 Jan 2009 16:46:11 +0000

I had no idea this was even a possibility.

That’s what I get for never reading pop culture rags. But according to a few of them…

Sarah Jessica Parker is going to be a single mother.

Wow.

I am speechless.

Is this true? Who knows. The report says Matt has been cheating on her and that she’s going to find her own apartment.

But if it is I’m sure she will emerge as one of the strongest single mamas out there, perhaps even speak on our behalf. She is an issue driven celeb. I just can’t believe it and feel for her.

Who is your favorite single mom celeb? Mine has been Kate Hudson but these two could be in a tie.

If you haven’t already – don’t forget to enter my Fresh Start Contest. Sarah Jessica could even use these prizes (and there are seven of them) Click here and leave a comment to enter.

Joining the club.

mssinglemama — Wed, 17 Dec 2008 03:49:43 +0000

She’s been my best friend my entire life.

And now, she’ll be a single mom.

Her boyfriend of six years and the father of their four-year-old daughter is moving out – the catalyst – an affair he’s been having with a young co-worker. On Saturday night she called me, her voice hushed and fringing on frantic.

His moving out had been unfolding for over one week now, the details were intermittent and things were still so unclear. And up until a few hours earlier, she had hope that maybe he would come to his senses and stay.

“I need to drop off a piece of furniture, can you open your garage?”

“Of course, I’ll be out in a minute.”

After we unloaded the dresser, we walked toward my apartment. The kids were already inside playing, her daughter completely unaware of the pain ripping through her mother’s heart. Before we made it to the door she just started sobbing, “there’s someone else. He’s seeing someone else.”

Her voice broke into sobs and I grabbed her in a tight hug, the only thing I could do. I’d never seen her like this – ever. She had been working on their relationship for months and months, seeing a therapist on her own because he refused to go, doing sweet things for him, constantly optimistic that he would “feel better” soon.

I wanted to kill him, to march right over to their house and cause him some kind of pain or hurt him for breaking my best friend’s heart. Not just for breaking it but breaking her – a woman who is absolutely gorgeous inside and out, the kind of woman every woman wants as a best friend, a sister or a mother.

“You’ll be better off, you will.”

“I know. I know I will. But it hurts. It hurts so badly, I’ve never felt this way before, this angry.”

I gave her every piece of advice I could muster from reading so many of your blogs and in writing my own. But this was her… my best friend, the girl I used to play with every single day in elementary school, the teenager who gave me my first beer, the young woman who taught me how to put on my make up and the young mother who has been here for me since day one of my pregnancy and of my divorce.

And now here we were. Both of us single moms. One stronger than the other in this moment, but both just little girls grown up with our fairy tale endings completely shattered. We popped open a bottle of red wine and commiserated, just staring into each other’s eyes and shaking our heads – at a complete loss for words, a rarity.

“How am I going to tell her?”

“She’s four. She’ll bounce back,” I run off some other positive advice. All of it sounding like crap.

“She is always asking me, ‘will daddy move out like Benjamin’s daddy did?’ And I always tell her, ‘no’. What is she going to think? She’ll think I’m a liar.”

“You know what. We can not protect our kids from everything – we just can’t. And she can see that Benjamin is okay, even though his dad moved out.”

So… she’s been reading divorce guides and the how to tell your kids books. They’re all telling her what not to say, but none are telling her what she should say.

What are the words?

How do you explain to a four-year-old that mommy and daddy are breaking up, divorcing or separating?

There will be more on this later… she, obviously, has always read this blog. I just never thought she’d have to use it. Damn him. And what kind of a man – by the way – actually cheats on his family. Ugh. The worst of the worst. And what kind of women cheat with them? What is wrong with people?

——

To catch up with Mia’s Story:

A Letter to the Other Woman - Mia’s awesome letter to her ex’s other woman which has made ripples through the blogosphere.
Mia’s Story Part 1
Mia’s Story Part 2

Cabin Fever, Part 4

mssinglemama — Mon, 06 Oct 2008 13:45:18 +0000

Two and a half hours after I’d bundled him up into the back seat with his blankie and a pile of books, Benjamin and I pulled up to Kennedy (aka Cabin Man)’s. Bang-smash-crush-bang. The divets and holes in his unfinished driveway were giving the underside of my car a severe beating.

“Wooo!!!” I shouted as we hit another one.

Benjamin joined me with a little shout of his own. I had just spent the last leg of the trip singing out loud to him. First to Feist then Old Crow Medicine Show and finally Bob Dylan. He sat incredulously as I sang, until finally – a few verses into each one he would crack a tiny smile before moving his eyes slowly back to the road. The ride had been perfect but he was ready to get out of the car.

Kennedy and his kids were sitting around the camp fire at the edge of the driveway. We’d nixed the joint camping idea. Why camp out when we could camp here – with his parents’ house right up the hill – it would be easier, safer and more comfortable for the kids.

“Hey!” He comes up to our car and then grabs me in a hug, wrapping his chisled arms around me. No! No hugging, I think.

“Hold on,” I pull away, “I can’t say ‘Hi’ until I get Benjamin out – he’s been so good the entire way here.”

I open the car door and scoop Benjamin up in my arms.

“Hey Ben!” Kennedy says.

The words drive Benjamin’s head into my shoulders and he keeps it there until we step into the cabin where Kennedy has resurrected his son’s old Thomas table. Benjamin jumps out of my arms and shouts in delight. I smile and whisper a thank you.

Two weeks ago this table had been buried in the back of the cabin. That morning felt different than this one. We were alone then, basking in each other and the highs of finding someone new. We had pulled the table out a bit to look for a train I could take home to Benjamin. After Kennedy picked Duncan because of “the cool gear that turns” I had tackled him with a kiss.

Now we were both knee deep in kids.

“You watch these two and I’ll watch this one while I grab this!” Each of us must have said this at least five times. His 6-year-old son and 3-year-old daughter are beautiful… Kennedy says after he and his ex split both kids changed dramatically. “It was like night and day – they are both so much happier.”

We spent the afternoon carving pumpkins, feeding the horses, drawing pictures, making paper airplanes and jumping on the trampoline. After the kids were tucked in – Benjamin in a camper and Kennedy’s kids up at his parents house – we met by the fire. Like the weekend before, the conversation turned toward relationships. (Something, believe it or not, I’m not a fan of talking about with virtual strangers, let alone men I’m just exploring.)

“I’m not sure if marriage is for me,” he went on, ” I just don’t think I can give myself over to someone again.” Why do we keep ending up on this topic? He’s still hashing it out in his head, as we all are I suppose.

“I think the trick is realizing you shouldn’t have to give yourself over to someone to be in a relationship,” I say. Then I have a realization of my own – this man is still wounded, still bleeding. Or maybe it’s scabbed over, but he’s not letting anyone back in – not even for a second. After a few more hours of talking and some quiet time in the cabin we headed to our respective beds.

The next morning he couldn’t take his eyes off of me while we were sipping on our coffee – the kids were running around in the cabin behind us – and then he said, defeated, “So, this really is going to be impossible isn’t it? I didn’t understand exactly what you were trying to get at before – but now… but now, I see what you mean.”

“Yes.” I say reluctantly, his blue eyes are so incredibly clear. I want to dive into them but I can’t. The little pile of red flags I’ve been collecting is now filled with a few land mines. The biggest one being the fact that we can’t see each other without our kids around – dangerous. The second being his raw healing process, still unfinished.

So I drive the nail into the coffin, “It just can’t happen.”

“It’s funny,” he adds, “Because I feel like this weekend has been a little lesson for me, in what I can expect now – how it’s going to be.”

“Welcome to the club,” I laugh.

The single parent club.

Dating, for us, is inexplicable. It’s like nothing we’ve ever experienced before… this is a universal truth.

A few hours later and after some home made popsicles, we said our good-byes. Strange saying good-bye to someone who you’ve just connected with so deeply, someone who you think you may never see again.

I’m so glad I decided to go… thanks for your advice.

And Benjamin is just fine.

If you missed the beginning of this story…

Cabin Fever, Part 1

Cabin Fever, Part 2

Cabin Fever, Part 3

Daddy! Daddy! Daddy?

mssinglemama — Mon, 18 Aug 2008 21:00:19 +0000

How do I answer that one?

Benjamin is asking for his daddy ALL of the TIME.

Morning, noon and night. This is entirely new and I am stumped. He’s done it before but onlyintermittently. Now he’s hit 2.6 and is very aware of the fact that Daddy and Mommy are not together (ever). What am I supposed to tell him? The “Daddy is at his house” line is getting old. And what does that mean to a 2-year-old anyway? Where is his daddy? Why isn’t his daddy here?

The real answer:

“He’s not here because mommy could not put up with his lazy, worthless ass… he’s not here because our lives would be miserable if he was.” I, of course, do not use the real answer.

The right answer:

[Fill in the blank with something a 2-year-old can actually understand = impossible]

Some background:

I left my ex-husband when Benjamin was 4-months-old. They see each other once a week for one night a week. And I’m glad they have such a strong bond. But… well, this is SO incredibly hard. I hate seeing him wanting something that I can’t give him.

Earlier last week, as he was crying for his dad again I had a thought, a mommy instinct I suppose, “Okay. I need to find the kid a dad.” It was really messed up. Like something I needed to find at the store. Benjamin wants a Dad who is here (why wouldn’t he) – so I should find him one.

I think that’s a trap a lot of single moms fall into… marrying a man just so their kids can have a father. And for a moment I understood why they do.

Then I had one of those “What if I had a husband?” daydreams. You know the ones. When you actually envision a man waiting for you downstairs. Cleaning up the kitchen while you’re putting your son to sleep. And then, after the kids are snuggled in tight, you help him finish up, maybe sneak up behind him and give him a tight hug. Then you curl up on the couch to watch a movie together, talk about your days or plans for the future. You’re both wearing turtlenecks and your matching Jeeps are parked out front.

And then… rather than leave my screaming, howling son in his room shouting for Daddy I caved and let him sleep in my bed.

THIS IS SO DAMN HARD.

P.S. (Daddy just cancelled on watching him while I’m gone)

“Daddy” had been adamant about keeping Benjamin the ENTIRE time I’ll be in Denmark – 7 days straight. I was nervous for weeks about this. Well, yesterday I decided to drop Benjamin at his grandmother’s so I could have a full day to pack and prepare for the trip. And then Daddy calls and says, “Oh, I won’t be able to get him until Wednesday – I have to work.”

After all of that. All of the grief and insistence on keeping him the entire time when I had suggested and encouraged him to keep him at my mother’s. So now he will only have him for four days, maybe even less… we’ll see. Again I pose the question… would Benjamin be better off with no father at all or one who cancels at the last minute and is clearly ambivalent about being a father.

My father was amazing. The best. So I don’t know what it will be like for Benjamin to have a father like this. Won’t it leave him with issues of feeling unloved or rejected? I better work on finding that husband. Opening my heart – trying too… I wish my daddy was here, he’d know what to do.

Guide me all of you more experienced single moms. Please, give a mama some tips or just vent.

Related post

O’Daddy Where Art Thou? – From the good old days when Benjamin called every man Daddy…
A Letter to My Future Husband -Evidence that I do have hope.

The Best of the Single Parent Blogosphere

mssinglemama — Wed, 06 Aug 2008 23:18:49 +0000

Because we’re single parents and we don’t have time to read a million blogs every week I use this post to highlight my favorites and let you highlight yours … DON’T BE SHY. Shameless self-promotion is strongly encouraged.

This week’s personal favorites:

Incredulous Relief – Kristin (Better Now)

The relief? Because she’s alive. You’ll be biting your nails in fear when you read Kristen’s two posts about a romantic vacation gone bad, very bad… damn men. Sorry. I promise I’m not a man-hater. This week has just been filled with shocking stories like this one.

It takes longer to un-do a marriage than it does to grow a human being – Sassafrass

This week I discovered Sassafrass, a sassy single mama in Chicago. Check out her post reflecting on her divorce which is now finally, final (we all know how that feels) and her four-year-old son’s quick adaptation to their new life.

I have been busier than usual this week, so please – leave me links to your best post…

Oh! And he’s not a single parent – but our favorite commenter, Jon B., needs some advice from us on his relationship with a single mom. Help him out here.

Life is short, get a divorce.

mssinglemama — Sun, 03 Aug 2008 03:27:28 +0000

I’ve got nothing, so I’m giving you another fantastic link that’s sure to get your brain going or at the very least, entertain you for a second…

The reason for the link? Because I love you – and I want to make you smile. And I don’t have much time to write tonight.

Spent today cleaning and cleaning and cleaning. So sexy. The house is still trashed. I don’t get it. How can such a tiny little human make such a phenomenol mess, over and over and over again? And I think I actually cooked three meals today. Should be sleeping right now… and will be in a second.

But first, I have to pass this on… check out this post from DivorceDrama.net featuring a collection of divorce photos including one with a law firm’s billboard that says, “Life is short, get a divorce” and the one I’ve pictured here.

I’ve never been a vengeful person, but the future ex-wife billboard is pretty cool.

Would you ever do something like that? Did you ever do anything like that?

Photo Credit: DivorceDrama.net

No related posts.

Single Mom S.O.S.: Play-Doh & Toddler-Goo

mssinglemama — Mon, 21 Jul 2008 02:41:52 +0000

Okay, this one is for me. Three questions mixed with some babbling.

1. How do you clean up Play-Doh?

2. What are some good Play-Doh games or activities?

(We had a Play-Doh cook off, but tomorrow he’ll want a new game.)

3. How do you keep them contained in one area?

(Not necessarily the kids but the Play-Doh and the Play-Doh containers, or both. I’m not quite sure.)

He wanders around the house with bits and pieces of Play-Doh. But I don’t want to hide the Play-Doh when he’s got it out, on the kitchen table. Today he played with it for at least an hour and a half. I had time to make the most disgusting peanut butter cookies you’ve ever had. (And yes, I was stupid enough to trust this website for a recipe and a bad enough cook to fall for it). Benjamin ate one anyway. But he’s 2.4, he doesn’t know what a peanut butter cookie should taste like.

So, here’s my S.O.S. I want to make the most of Benjamin and I’s Play-Doh experiences. What Play-Doh games and activities should we play? And how in the hell do you clean up Play-Doh and all other toddler-goo? Like chunky dried banana bits, cookie and marker streaks, applesauce on the couch … now I’m getting a head ache. And I have to go clean.

Thanks in advance.

[Photo: Play-Doh cooking lesson + the polka dot table]

Read the rest of the Single Mom S.O.S. entries here.

My S.O.S. is clearly the only light one so far … but hey, someone had to do it.

P.S. Must Love Kids ROCKED. I’ll just going to wait until this Tuesday night to write about it because I’m already a week behind.

Single moms are on fire.

mssinglemama — Wed, 16 Jul 2008 21:22:13 +0000

Single moms are hot, hot, hot.

Yep. We are trendy. It’s official.

This fact was pointed out to me in my first piece of hate mail from a YouTube viewer, one of nearly 500 who have already watched Morgan and I’s “Dating & Single Moms” video. With so many views, and there will be more, the crazies are bound to come out. Regardless he made one point I agreed on.

Women with children are realizing it’s okay to be single. But while Mr. Crazy thinks this awakening to not “needing” a man marks the downfall of society, I think it’s about time.

It’s about time single moms can be proud and happy. We didn’t choose this path but here it is – and it’s in our children’s best interest to make the best of it – day in and day out. And yes, society (ours anyway) is slowly coming to accept single moms and dads. We have celebrity role models all over the place. Some good. Some bad. Angelina Jolie (the original who snagged Brad Pitt), Kate Hudson (the newbie) and who is that? Madonna? She might be a single mom again. Or is she already? I can’t keep up.

And last night Must Love Kids premiered on TLC. There was even a single dad on this last season of the Bachelorette. Yep. Single moms and dads are all over the place. And while it concerns me that some young women might actually aspire to be a single mom or actually want to be caught up in a dramatic and sexy divorce (because the reality is much darker) I think the positives of society accepting the single parent household (whether it be through mainstream media or blogs) is ultimately a good thing.

And to the question – are happy and proud single moms bad for society?

Time will be the judge but I can tell you one thing that is for certain – it’s bad for society when fathers leave their families, check out mentally or lash out physically against the mothers of their children or when they refuse to pay child support or play a role in their child’s lives. This is something that has been happening for generations but now, finally, the women and children left behind can actually communicate openly.

I think the responsibility of how our society and how this country’s children turn out lies on everyone’s shoulders – mothers, fathers, grandparents, neighbors, aunts, uncles. It takes a village and if anyone ever lays blames solely on the mother because she slept with the wrong man and god forbid (got pregnant) than they can … well … I’ll leave that one up to your imagination.

Just had to vent after that horrible, horrible e-mail from YouTube which I won’t reprint here because it was too disgusting and offensive.

P.S. I had my neighbor TIVO Must Love Kids, no TV in the house so I missed it! Darn it. Will definitely catch it this weekend and from what I’m reading – the reviews are great.

P.P.S. This is an entry into MommyPie’s BlogHerNot ’08 Conference the topic: “How to Nail a Crazy YouTube Commenter with a Post”

How to date the childless.

mssinglemama — Wed, 25 Jun 2008 21:03:07 +0000

The first question most single parents ask when they finally get back out there on the dating scene is, “Can I even date someone without a kid?”

The challenges to dating someone without a child can be daunting. Will they ever understand your life? And when they do – will they run away screaming in fear once they realize that parenting never ends? It can also be irritating to date childless people.

They often lack genuine empathy for your situation, talk about stuff that just seems pointless and annoy you with stories about how hard their lives are. But, as one of my friends said recently, “You can’t help who you fall in love with.”

When I left my ex-husband and Benjamin was just four-months-old I couldn’t imagine anyone joining our lives but they did and the relationships didn’t end because I’m a single mom, they ended because child or not we weren’t a good match.

Here are some things you can do to fan the flames of a romance with the single and childless.

1. Be patient. They’re not going to “get it” right away nor should they need to. Do you know if you’re going to marry this person or be in a long-term relationship with them? No way. You might have a feeling in your gut, but that’s not enough to warrant long chats about how they’ll perform as a father or a mother. And besides, nothing will freak them out more than these kinds of questions. These questions will come later and by the time later comes you might not even want to be with them any more.

2. Put it into perspective. Before you became a parent – you weren’t one. Duh! You’re shouting at your computer screen. But, seriously, think about it. Being a parent is nothing anyone can prepare for and chances are you wouldn’t have predicted what kind of parent you are today. There’s no way to tell what kind of parent your flame will become once they’ve fallen for your kids. Don’t waste your time analyzing their every move. Instead, focus on how they treat you – this will give you the answers on how they will eventually treat your children.

3. Go easy on them. DO NOT ask or tell them to be your child’s missing parent, DO NOT expect them to save you and DO NOT ask them to move in until you’ve been dating for at least one year. These are recipies for disaster. You’ll freak them out. And besides, you’re probably moving too quickly. You have a child now so everything must move slowly. No more whirlwind romances. This is one of the hardest facts to come to terms with, dating will never be the same.

4. Find your fun side again. This one was tough for me. During the first year, I had a really tough time relaxing on a date or just chatting about something other than Benjamin. I thought it was all they were thinking about (the fact that I’m a single mom) when in reality, I was the one thinking about it constantly. Eventually I let my hair down and said hello to that single chick inside of me again.

5. They don’t really care that you’re a single parent unless you make them care. This is the most important lesson I’ve learned. If someone falls in love with you, the fact that you’re a single mom or dad is icing on the cake. But before they fall in love with you try to avoid scaring them off with negative comments about being a single mom. For example, don’t say “Being a single mom is SO hard, you have no idea, sometimes I just want to die.” Keep your single parent anxieties to yourself and your close friends until you’ve been dating someone for a while.

Would dating another single parent be easier? Sure. At the beginning, you’d have more to talk about, you could relate, he would instantly get the parenting thing. But dating another parent opens another can of challenges, I’ll save that one for later.

In the meantime, I hope these mini-lessons help. Do you have any to add? Or any stories about dating the single and childless?

P.S. I hope the networks are reading this post, there could be an entire soap opera titleds, “The Single & Childless.” Awesome.

Related Posts:

Date Night

Do Men Really Care if You’re a Single Mom

Can Single Moms Fall in Love?

Can Men Feel Empathy?

[Photo Credit: "Love XOXO" by Pink Sherbet on Flickr]