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Single Mom Question: We have chemistry, but…

mssinglemama — Fri, 10 Jun 2011 13:59:44 +0000

This one is from Jen, a single mom who has all of the chemistry a girl can dream of with man who is not financially responsible. Her question in a nutshell is – “We have this amazing chemistry, but what about his financial instability? Can I overlook that? And is this the last time I will have love?”

Sound familiar?

It does to me. My ex-husband was thrilling in the chemistry department, but soon all of that wore off when he couldn’t keep a job or a steady pay check. Dating a financially irresponsible man is one thing, it’s easy to overlook his situation but when you are legally bound and married – no way. Suddenly he loses a lot of his sex appeal. But, it is rare to find that kind of connection. The question is – what can you accept, what can you live with? If a financially irresponsible man isn’t a turn off, or if you don’t need a man for financial reasons at all (and if you don’t plan on marrying him) – why not?

This is a tough one.

Here’s Jen’s Single Mom dating question:

My “question” makes me think of a past relationship you wrote about…and lists. You wrote about a relationship where there were some things that you would not accept, and even though you appeared to have an amazing connection with this man, you ended it with him because he did one of these things. (Did that even make sense?)

I have a man that has been telling me he loves me for 2 years now. He says he loves, and wants to be involved with, my children, too. On some levels, he appears to have a lot to offer, but there are other things that scare me.

So, here I am with this physical attraction, good chemistry on all levels, (we can talk for 2 hours and it feels like 2 mins) but the guy hasn’t done his taxes in 5 years. Also, he struggles with some other things that don’t go along with my values. I’ve “broken up” with him twice…and he went off and dated other women, only to immediately break up with them when I showed interest again (which would happen when we ran into each other).

I think what is going on for me is that there are things that I DON’T feel good about, but I’m wondering if I should overlook them because here is someone that loves me, loves my kids, is a great kisser, great at communication and I am AFRAID that I am passing up the only time this will come along. But I am unsure about his ability to provide stability, and unsure if this is really what it appears to be.

Have you ever passed up someone that felt good on so many levels and made it through?

- Jen

What advice do you have for Jen? Leave yours in the comments.

Back up reading from my own blog:

Remember Kris? I wondered if we broke up if it was my last chance at love? We had chemistry, but not much in the way of companionship. Here’s the post.

And here’s my post on the Must Have Man List Jen references. For me, a solid financial situation and a stable job is now a must.

Single Mom Question: Why can’t I commit?

mssinglemama — Wed, 25 May 2011 11:02:07 +0000

I promised you a series devoted to your questions about being a dating single mom. And here is the first. This one is from April.

“I am so happy being a single mom that I find it hard to settle into a relationship.”

“I have been divorced for five years now and a single mother to two little girls. I have dated off and on during the past five years, but I find the longest I can maintain a relationship is around 2 months and then I start to lose the excitement, feel smothered and just keep thinking of how much happier I am with it just being me and my girls. There is nothing more liberating then knowing that you are on your own and can take care of yourself.

I was married for 9 years and was totally in love with my ex husband, but he cheated and that is why our relationship ended. I have healed and moved on and we have been able to maintain a friendly relationship for our girls. So, I don’t feel that it is if I am not over him, but I can’t find that spark that I had with him. I feel content with my single life. I do have thoughts from time to time of wishing that I could find prince charming again, but it just seems so much easier and less stressful to go it alone raising my girls. Is this normal? Does anybody else feel this way?”

My short answer.

I can relate. I think just about every single mom I’ve met has commitment issues. Why? I think there are a few reasons.

1). Because we have discovered that we can live happily ever after solo.

2). We haven’t found that “spark” and are holding out of that same fire we felt before.

3). Even though we may feel “over” a traumatic experience like losing a husband of nine years to cheating, there is still hurt there. We have found happiness and it seems so scary to risk ever feeling that hurt again.

So, yes, April – this is normal. What should you do about it? Keep dating. Because it’s fun! But from here on out don’t let the relationships make it to two months, eliminate them faster to make room for some of that spark.

What are your thoughts? Please comment and help April out. Do you find you have fears or commitment issues? And there is nothing wrong with just being a happy, solo single mom. Don’t ever force a relationship just because you think you “should have one.”

If you have a question of your own please e-mail it to me with the subject line: “Single Mom Question” to mssinglemama-at-gmail-dot-com.

8 Days

mssinglemama — Sun, 12 Sep 2010 17:38:54 +0000

Eight days of semi-single momdom left.

I know I’m not entirely a single mom anymore, having a man around and all. A deeply considerate and helpful man at that. But still, in eight days that door will be permanently shut, right now it’s swinging back and forth a bit and there’s a crack of light shining through.

In eight days we’ll be officially moving on to our lives with a John Bear and a Murphy Dog in the picture. And what could be finer?

Dreams do come true.

But this is just one of the dreams I had. The first was to escape my first marriage, the second to recover financially and emotionally and the third was to find satisfaction and happiness solo, without a man around at all.

Between packing and working John and I are stealing moments to ourselves and as the move draws closer and closer, I’m feeling more and more – dare I say it – butterflies in my stomach. I feel like I’m more in love with him now than I ever have been at any other time in our relationship. This pragmatic, lead weight love just grows on you – better and better as you pass each milestone together, especially the stressful and harrowing ones that have you both at your worst and your best in simultaneous moments.

Anyhow.

Happiness abounds right now and I have to admit, I’m not quite sure what to make of this. I owe most of the credit to John Bear for leading the way and sticking with me even when I tried my hardest to push him away.

When I did he would say, “I’m not sure that you know what love means, but I’m going to show you.” Then he would add, “And, I’m not going anywhere.”

At first I reacted to these statements with fear, shutting down and closing him off and out. But then, slowly but surely, my reaction of fear turned into acceptance. I let him happen. I let us happen.

He was right. I didn’t know what love was, but now I do. And oh my gosh, is it worth the growing pains it took to get here.

I may be a bit quiet over the next few weeks during this move. But I’ll be posting lots of pictures and fun from our chaos. In the meantime and make sure you enter to win a free t-shirt from Homage.

Ms. Published Mama? Pinch me, now.

mssinglemama — Tue, 07 Sep 2010 02:18:06 +0000

Something has happened again. Something I was not expecting in the least.

You all know about our soon to be brilliant and dare I say, ground breaking, Single Mom’s Manifesto.

I’m working on my first entry, assembling the mailing list and also am trying to figure out a way to make sure my return address is always, always on the envelope just in case one of the three books ends up at an address one of you have moved from. The Manifesto could be out in snail mail land for 6 months, so if you are planning on moving – please, let me know so I can send it to your first or remove you from the list.

So, back to the unexpected.

After I bought the Manifesto notebooks I noticed this blog post featuring a new, local publishing group. I don’t believe in coincidences and as many of you suggested, the Manifesto would be brilliant published. Like a Post Secret for single moms. Anyway, I reached out to James and Lori and we set up a meeting. When I arrived they agreed that the Manifesto could indeed be a success but they’d been reading my blog and impressed with what they found, they were curious– could they read a copy of my eBook?

Most of you don’t know this but my eBook, Ms. Single Mama Uncensored, is a bit of a sore subject for me.

After spending six straight weeks writing Uncensored–very few of you actually bought and downloaded a copy. To date, I’ve only sold around 300 copies. But, I’ve sold three times as many necklaces. Go figure. My mamas like things in the flesh, including their books. I can’t say that I blame you. I don’t have a Kindle or an iPad. After a day online the last thing I want to do is read online. In fact, one of my favorite things in life is curling up in bed with a new book.

But rather than shopping the book to a publisher, in spite of John Bear urging me to, I buried it along with the 6 weeks I’d lost into my Lesson Learned closet.

But now, here were publishers wanting to read a copy.

“My eBook?” I said, surprised. “Sure, why not?”

I gave them a download and went my merry way.

Less than 24 hours later, they e-mailed asking for another meeting. As soon as I arrived James, a 28-year-old single guy, told me, “I started your book and by page 30 I was hooked. I couldn’t put it down until I finished it and I can’t say that about very many books. And I’m clearly not a single mom.”

Lori said the same. She also couldn’t put it down and read it in one sitting.

This was a first.

I have read compliments on Uncensored from many of you, but to hear it from two live people sitting in the flesh before me, neither of them single mothers… well, you can imagine my face. My mouth was hanging open a bit, my cheeks were flushed and I didn’t know if should believe them or poke them to see if they were real. They couldn’t want to…

“We want to publish your book,” said Lori.

“And we think,” said James, “that it is going to be very, very well-received.”

Their enthusiasm was hard to deny and the book, thanks to my six weeks last summer, is very nearly ready to be published.

“This book,” added Lori, “fills a need. There aren’t many voices like yours out there.” We went back and forth for about 45 minutes. Me with lots of question and Lori and James answering them all without wavering in their conviction that my eBook would and could be a success.

“Okay, let me digest all of this and I’ll have to talk to John Bear.”

“Take your time,” they said. And so the discussing began.

——-

After several talks, largely centered around John’s chief concern–our family’s privacy, namely the privacy of our children (existing and imaginary future children)–we decided that yes, we should publish the book. As for privacy, the title of my eBook, Ms. Single Mama Uncensored: Dating, Sex and Love, is going to change to something that will be suitable on our living room book shelf and as for the content, it’s nothing I wouldn’t let my daughter read as soon as she hit her dating age.

So…

by this Christmas you should all be able to buy my book.

Woah.

I can’t even say that last sentence out loud.

Searching for a crystal ball

mssinglemama — Wed, 01 Sep 2010 23:04:32 +0000

I know I have some readers who are children of single moms.

You’ve said you’re here because I fill in holes, blanks from your childhood or at least, give you an idea of what your mother went through. A question for you–what if this was your mother’s blog? Would it be too much? Are there some things you’d rather not know?

I don’t hold much back, especially in my eBook. There is so much here and even more there detailing my dating and my relationships as a single mom. But there are also posts like this one and this one that I will definitely want him to read. So, I’m wondering–would this blog and everything that comes with be too much? Or would it answer questions for you?

I need honest, insightful and constructive thoughts. Not hatred. If you take issue with single motherhood and women who decide to move on with their lives in the way of dating–that is a discussion for another post, or maybe a Bill O’Reilly messageboard.

I am weighing a decision and your feedback will help me so much. Thanks in advance.

—–

P.S. The Single Mom Manifesto books (there will be several) have been created. I’ll share pictures and more details very soon. I can’t wait to set them free.

Woman’s Day

mssinglemama — Tue, 06 Jul 2010 14:27:58 +0000

My essay is out. Find it in the August issue of Woman’s Day. Pick one up the old-fashioned way or read it online.

I’m a bit partial to the print version and while reading the last few paragraph’s out loud to John Bear in the car as soon as I found my copy, I actually choked up on these lines, “as for my son Benjamin, he is now a beaming, breathtaking little 4-year-old who has more wonder, curiosity and happiness in his heart than I ever imagined anyone could contain. And fear, as it turns out, is not a word in his vocabulary. Or in mine.”

The tremble in my throat and tears in my eyes caught both of us off guard.

“Are you crying?” He asked.

“I guess.”

“It’s okay, but why?”

“Because, it’s just so surreal. Benjamin and I have come so far.”

We have and so will you single mamas, unless you have already! And in that case, the congratulations is yours as well.

I have been incredibly touched and overwhelmed by the number of e-mails coming in from Woman’s Day readers. Some of you are unhappily married mothers, soon to be single moms; others have just left your husbands and are trying to find your way.

I am trying my best to respond to each e-mail but if I miss yours, please visit my Single Moms forum and post your questions there. My existing community of single moms would love to offer their take on your situation.

And thanks to all of you for joining us.

No related posts.

The Must-Have Man List

mssinglemama — Thu, 17 Dec 2009 13:20:51 +0000

Do you know what you would want from a man if he popped into your life (not what you need, but what you want)?

Here’s a starter list of some man qualities I think are mandatory before he can be single mom worthy:

1. Respect for you and the kids.

2. He should like you (a little bit) more than you like him. You should be fawned over because you don’t have time for the other way around. Soon it will balance out. But, at the beginning, you should be chased.

3. He accepts your past. I, as a single mom, have yet to make it far enough with someone who questioned my past or held it against me. I am almost certain I can pick these types of guys out from a line-up, so maybe that’s why. Regardless of how jerkdar accuaracy, avoid them like the plague. Bcause soon, they’ll be bringing up your past – the past the two of you share. Yuck. Yuck. Yuck.

4. He’s a role model. No drugs. No cheating. No jerk behavior. No abuse. And, an obvious one, but something to just put out there in black and white – would you be okay if your children grew up to be just like him?

5. He must respect the “kid thing”. If he gripes for a second about the kid, or battles for their attention then – sorry! - he’s not the one. There’s a difference, by the way, between legitimate concern over not enough one-on-one adult time and what I call griping. Use this as a measure – if he sounds at all like he’s whining or if he’s using it against you – there’s your answer.

6. He must accept you and your space. It’s no secret that most of us single moms have commitment issues. At least I do. He should be respectful of your issues, as troublesome as they are. But respecting and accepting them and your space will lead to open communication, trust on your part and, hopefully, a happy baggage-free ending.

7. Laziness is not an option. If he has a lazy side and shows consistent efforts to be more helpful and active over time, then make an exception. But I wouldn’t recommend a guy hooked on video games or attached to the television set.

8. Kindness is mandatory. He should never raise his voice, yell or scream. Guess what? The way your ex treated you was not normal, it was not okay and there are a million guys out there who will treat you with love and respect – like an adult. Go figure. I know. News to me too.

9. He wants you to be happy. If you’re happy, he’s happy. In life, in love, at home, at work. And you should feel the same way about his happiness.

10. He talks about the future. You’re a single mom. If you want a future with him, say it. If he avoids the conversation or is at all evasive – red flag. Move on and carry on. That’s not to say a future commitment can scare him a bit, that’s okay. But if he never talks about a future with you, generally speaking, that’s not a good sign.

I hope this helps. I just feel like I can see things so much clearer now that I’ve found a good one, and I want – as usual – to leave you with what I’ve learned.

Add or refute my list in the comments.

Back up reading:

Single Mom and the Men Who Love Us
How to Date a Single Mom (the series)

Big Weekend

mssinglemama — Sat, 15 Nov 2008 02:43:27 +0000

I’m frantically packing.

I’ve been planning this weekend’s trip since… oh, Monday.

But I waited to pack until tonight. Smart. Tomorrow morning Benjamin, Mr. Man and I are headed down to Kan-Tuck-Ee (I love saying it like that) to visit Morgan (aka Modern Single Momma or, as I like to call her, my soul sister).

Morgan will be meeting Benjamin (and Mr. Man) for the first time, while I’ll be meeting her man for the first time. Needless to say, we’re both pumped. She lives in Portland so we never get to see each other, it’s been months now actually since the first time we met in San Francisco.

And when it comes to love as a single mom, Morgan is way ahead of me. She’s been with her Man in Moseley, now her Man in Kentucky since this spring and is planning on making a move there to join him this winter. Read her story about falling in love as a single mom here.

If Benjamin let’s us – we’ll be making another video. Do you have any questions or topics you’d like us to answer?

Leave a comment and let us know. If not… have a fantastic weekend. I hope you all get to spend some time with another single mom or single dad because single parent friends are life-savers.

[Photo: Morgan and I in San Francisco this past spring. Watch our video on dating single moms here.]

A kink in the plans…

mssinglemama — Tue, 21 Oct 2008 02:29:04 +0000

My self-imposed man cleanse has been sublime.

But this weekend a man held my eyes with his.

I swear he actually held them. It sounds so ridiculous doesn’t it? But the rest of the world vanished and for a moment this wild spirit of mine was completely still.

Now I’m standing over the edge of the rabbit hole. I don’t want to fall in, but I don’t have to fall. Right? I could just climb in… slowly. Actually, as a single mom, I can’t let myself fall in head first. I have to proceed with caution. I want to tell you about him. I do. But not yet… I’m going to keep this one to myself for the time being. Besides I’m at a total loss for words.

I just didn’t think a man could do that. I really didn’t. Now the big question is – will I give him the chance to do it again or keep this heart of mine right where it is.

Hello Chesire. Nice to see you again – it’s been a while.

UPDATE: Thanks to a very good point made my Single Working Mommy in the comments, I think it’s definitely fair to say my “Man Cleanse” isn’t working. See my comments for more explanation.

Back up reading:

Single Moms & Dating (the video)

mssinglemama — Wed, 09 Jul 2008 04:41:09 +0000

Here it is..

Ignore the smudge and it’s perfect. Making this video was SO MUCH fun.

Morgan and I will be together again soon to make more … let us know what you think of this one and if there’s anything else you’d like to see us discuss or cover! Above all, we hope this video helps you to realize that single moms are absolutely beautiful and absolutely dateable. In fact, we’re some of the best women out there … enjoy!

P.S. A big thanks to Depot Dad (our camera man), couldn’t have done it without him. All three of us met on iHeartSingleParents.com, the first and the greatest single parent social network. If you liked the t-shirts in the video buy them here.