I have no filter. I have also been told I have absolutely no poker face, although, ironically, I am pretty good at poker.

With the break up settling in and my single self completely and absolutely single again, I have been wondering what it will feel like to be on a date again. Or to actually be dating anyone again. Will I let it all fall out, all of my recent baggage? Will I turn him off with my stories or my emotions?

I know I’m not ready quite yet because I still can’t fathom it. Harder to fathom is making the time to actually go on a date or to emotionally prepare or react to them. How do us single moms find the time to date? I know I did in the past but now that it’s been so long I just don’t know how I will fit it in.

It took me five weeks to meet a guy up for a coffee date last Friday.

Five weeks.

Between Benjamin and work that’s how long it took for me to find 45 minutes, yes, a mere 45 minutes to meet up with Scott. I met him on New Year’s Eve in a thick daze and confused stumble at midnight to find someone to kiss. I’m very superstitious about kissing at midnight. So, with less than 10 seconds to spare I walked up to stranger Scott and asked him very matter of factly, “are you single?” When he said yes, I asked, “would you mind kissing me at midnight? For good luck.”

“Sure,” he said.

And that was that. Five seconds later we were kissing and my head was spinning and then… it’s all a post break up drunken blur. I don’t remember much at all about that moment or the rest of the night. I woke up the next morning relieved that a) I was alive and safe in my house and that b) Scott had been a total gentleman who did not in any way take advantage of the situation.

Because I had somehow ended up with his coat I agreed to have coffee with him. I also needed my first post engagement break up date. It may take me a while but baby steps are necessary for me. Life is my lesson, so I am always living it. So, with that in mind I went on a “just coffee and ‘thank you for not attacking me and leaving me in a dumpster on New Year’s Eve’ coffee date.”

Fortunately, for me, I have a good judge of character when I’m intoxicated. This is probably what Scott looked like that night. A bit out of focus, but smiling and sweet.

I was pleasantly surprised when I met him on Friday (sober) that he was super cute in focus as well.

I also found out that he is a single dad to a three year old girl, Annie. After we met he “looked me up” and found this blog. Inspired by my writing here he started his own blog called “Raising Annie” because he does have custody of her 75% of the time.

He’s totally together, has a fantastic job and an incredibly positive attitude. So…, because I am incapable of dating him, I give Scott to you. Go explore his blog and you can thank me later. (And hint, hint – read up on How to Ask a Guy Out here.)

P.S.

I also rarely find the time to drink and do not advocate single mamas getting sloshed in bars. I am very, very lucky to have happened across a nice guy like Scott. Please, please drink responsibly and in the company of friends.

Related posts:

1. Toddler-free (for one week?)
2. A Single Mom’s Guide to Finding a Manperson
3. Go pick a man up. I dare you!

It has been 9 days now. During each I have remained completely composed in front of Benjamin. I have been calm, engaged and present to play with him, talk to him and just be with him.

Tomorrow it’s back to school and work. To our new reality.

After I write this post I’ll be writing a note to Benjamin’s teachers explaining the situation.

The situation.

He left and I didn’t stop him.

He left after I trusted him with everything and believed, for the second time in my life, that it would be forever.

He left after promising to be Benjamin’s father.

But I didn’t stop him. And he had to leave because he knew in his heart it wasn’t right to stay, no matter how ill-timed his decision.

The shock has worn off and in its place there is anger mixed with a lovely peppering of fear and a dash of disdain. I am sure these emotions will pass. I just wonder what will be left in their place. I’m fearful that I’ll build up another wall, an even higher one this time, and never let another man around my child. I’m also thinking that I may be destined to be single forever. Relationships, clearly, don’t suit me. I love being single, why tamper with that? Why not just be happy and stay single this time?

Oh, men. Why are some of you so irresistible? Don’t answer that.

But seriously, not all of us find true love with another mate in life. I’m lucky enough to be madly in love with my work, with my own business and to have Benjamin. Do I really need a trifecta? The risk seems too great. I know, it’s still early but these are my thoughts.

—–

John stopped by this week for his official good-bye. Benjamin’s only question was, “will we still be able to play baseball?”

“Yes,” said John as he choked back tears, “we’ll still be able to play baseball. And I want you to take care of your Mommy. You’re the man of the house now.”

“Okay, Dad – I mean, John Bear.”

That’s the most heartbreaking of all for me. When Benjamin calls him Dad and then corrects himself. It happens about once a day. It’s all so fresh, John’s things are still here and some of his furniture. So when he’s jumping on the couch and I’m telling him to stop, “My Dad, I mean John Bear let’s me.”

Blindsided. Completely. I am just hoping the cosmos forgive my mistake and leave Benjamin unscathed. If any of you have been through this with a four year old before, I would appreciate any advice you may have.

With the exception of the last three months, Benjamin and I have always been living alone so he seems to be bouncing right back. And, I can’t tell if this will stick but he actually says he’s happy John Bear won’t be with us anymore. That surprised me, but now with the dust settling and my 20/20 hindsight creeping in I see an unhappy John trying to discipline Benjamin. And Benjamin wasn’t accepting it very well.

So, who knows – maybe everything will be okay.

It’s just too early to tell.

We have also had house guests this entire week. Awesome friends, aunts, uncles and one grandma. Plenty of company and a tremendous amount of love and support.

One thing I learned the first time I found myself alone with a child was this–always, always ask for help and ask for it often. Speaking of help, your response, my sweet readers and friends, has been absolutely off the charts. I can’t tell you how much every one of your comments has meant to me.

What would I do without all of you?

You’re like my cheering section and I feel like we’re all connected in this battle to re-define single motherhood. We’re modern single mothers and one thing is certain, our story has never been told this way before. And that is truly awesome.

No matter how it ends.

Related posts:

1. Co-Parenting and Mrs. Brady

While basking in a few days off last week my mind went to wandering. Eventually I had a moment to sit and think about all of you and this blog, where it’s going and where it’s been; what it means to you and to me. I’ve been effectively avoiding the subject with myself, the subject of what to do with “Ms. Single Mama”, for months now. I dodge any hint of the topic in my head along with the high heels in my closet that I just can’t wear anymore. I am outgrowing my single ways and this blog but I’m not quite ready to let go.

When I started writing here I couldn’t find another place online or in the book store that I felt adequately described my life as a single mother–a working, career oriented, urban mom who definitely wanted an active dating life.

Soon, after writing and talking openly about single mom issues to acquaintances, strangers or work colleagues I noticed a trepidation, a quiet befell them when I brought up topics affecting my life. And then there were my encounters with other single mothers–I sensed the same quiet, was it a sense of shame? But why? Why would they be ashamed when in my eyes, we were so strong, ridiculously strong to have survived our bad marriages or relationships in order to fearlessly make a better life for our children?

I am aware that not every single mom fits that description, but many do–especially those I have met and now call friends.

The shame and quiet had to be broken and then this blog suddenly took on another mission. In addition to pouring my heart out with dating advice I now wanted to also kill that shame, I wanted to redefine single motherhood–to bring all of our laundry, most of it clean, out of the closet. The backlash wasn’t pretty. I’ve had and still endure a ridiculous amount of heinous hate mail but all of that is trumped by the happy mail, the notes from all of you–single moms, men dating single moms, children of single moms, single women, and even married moms.

This blog has made a small dent, but that’s something. And, if I were to ask you how you feel about single motherhood today compared to how you felt about single motherhood when you first became a single mom what would your answer be? To my my readers who were raised by single moms and to the men dating single moms–you are also included on that question.

Back to me relaxing and being flooded with ideas while on my mini-vacation. I thought it would be remarkable if we could share our thoughts with each other, our definitions of single motherhood – not just here, on this blog and the single moms forum, but in the flesh. What if we could feel and touch each other’s words on a page and then share it with others for generations to come?

The idea.

I am going to buy a blank book. I’ll start by filling out the first page myself with my own single mom manifesto–my beliefs and what I find true about single motherhood, what I have learned. And then, I’ll mail the book on to one of you. Once you’ve done the same, you’ll mail it to the next person on the list and so on and so forth. Each page will be your own creation, like a scrapbook.

Our book will travel to hundreds of single moms, their children, their grandchildren – to anyone touched by single motherhood and then it will come back to me when it’s full. From there, who knows, maybe I’ll scan in the pages and share them with everyone or maybe we’ll publish it!

So, who’s in?

Everyone is invited! Just leave your name, e-mail and mailing address in this contact form and I’ll add you to the list. We’ll go in order of sign up, so the first on the list gets the book first. Also, you will have to pay postage for re-mail the book. Other than that, there will be no obligation whatsoever.

Also be aware that by joining this mailing list your address will be shared with others who have the book in their possession. I will not, however, ever publish your addresses or real names without your express permission. To my International readers, you’ll have to sit this one out but if you want to create a page and mail it to me to add to the book later, let me know.

Update: I have closed the sign-up form for the Single Mom Manifesto due to an overwhelming response. I just want to make sure we can get it to everyone on the list, 150+ of you!

If all goes well this round, I’ll open it up again for the Single Mom Manifesto 2, so please stay tuned.

Related posts:

1. Single Mom Rules to Live By? Ideas?
2. The ultimate prize: a single mom.
3. Dating a Single Mom, Part 1

I’ve been branching out into traditional media as of late and upon invitation.

Coming up soon, you’ll see an essay by yours truly in the August issue of Woman’s Day. The editor stumbled across my blog and I, of course, accepted their generous offer to be featured. I think you’ll all relate to my essay, which took me back to the early days of my single motherhood and the painful process of learning how to let go of fear.

Most immediately you can listen to my interview on the Kim Iverson radio show. I think she was surprised by my positive take on dating as a single mom. Understandable. I was just as surprised when I finally figured out how many perks are actually in our corner.

Related posts:

1. The Rebound Year
2. Some favors…
3. My Boyfriend

Many of you have been asking about Mia.

While we all patiently wait for another blog post from her, I thought I’d fill in the blanks and give you all an update.

Mia to the right, Shawna on the left - before SATC 2

Mia, one and a half years after splitting with her ex, has completely gained her footing as a single mom. She’s finding time for herself, learning how to co-parent, and date – all while maintaining her incredibly demanding career.

The dating is proving to be the trickiest part of the equation as she navigates all of her prospects. After seven or so years of being with her ex she is dating again and like most of us, has jumped right in using the same measurements for the quality of a match that she did her early childless 20′s.

The growing pains of re-defining your list as a single mom aren’t easy, there will be heart break on your end or for the men who happen across your path before you’ve finished sorting out that mess in your head. Mia has been no exception to that rule.

On a recent Benjamin-free Saturday night, not quite ready to turn in after a night out with John Bear, I walked over to Mia’s house. Living on the same block has its perks and stumbling over for a late night chat is one of them. I found Mia and a few of her friends out on the front porch.

We were soon talking about the men in our lives, ruffles and all.

The wine had done its trick and we were sharing, learning, relishing – without defense – in each other’s advice. These raw open, un-chartered conversations are often, in my opinion, the most beneficial and productive for clearing the head of emotional stress and also the most entertaining.

When it was Mia’s turn we discussed her latest dating escapades. The losers, the winners and those who fell by the wayside and onto the black list.

“I feel like it’s time,” she said, “Like I am going to meet him soon.”

“Definitely, I sense that too,” added her best friend Shawna. By him she meant her soul mate, her guy, the guy, the man of her dreams, the dude.

“But, to find him, you have to stop spending time with the wrong men,” I had been hammering this point home with Mia for months and this time, hoped she would start listening.

“You have to bury your ex first. Burn some old letters or something.” Shawna said.

The timing couldn’t have been better. We were all there, waiting for something and anticipating the climax that would break through the noisy stillness of our Saturday night.

“Do it. Do it,” we chimed until Mia dashed upstairs, whizzing past a fitting scene created by her daughter hours earlier before bedtime

to emerge minutes later with a box of letters and some photo albums. Bursting with memories of what was and dreams of what could have been, she held them delicately in her hands.

The pictures came first. Photos of she and her ex, long before the cheating, the lies and the split that had left her broken, hopeless for so many months. But now, here she was, beaming with happiness at the potential her life as a single mom had to offer, namely in the way of dating and finding her dream man.

“I can’t burn any of this stuff. I want Sydney to have it. But, I know what I can burn. This!” She pulled out a piece of notebook paper covered on front and back with a list.

“What on it?” I asked.

“This is the list I made after I found out, right before he left. The list is everything I want from a man, the things he didn’t do or have. I wrote it to remind myself, so I wouldn’t forget.”

“Yes!” exclaimed Shawna, I wasn’t sure if I’d ever seen her so excited, “If you burn the list it will send it out into the universe, and then it will come true. Then you’ll find him.”

“What’s on your list?” I asked.

Mia read it out loud. Line item by line item. Wish upon wish.

Her list, was semi-impossible to fill, as Lori Gottlieb would agree, but Mia and Shawna would hear nothing of that. They wanted everything on the list. Which included, among other things, a man who is stable and financially secure but who also loves travel and adventure. I pointed out the obvious contradictions and they shushed me again.

I finally concede and agreed that burning the list was a symbolic act that would help Mia move into another phase as a single mom dating.

She is letting go of her past self, the hurt and confused woman who wrote the list is leaving and making way for someone ready to date with meaning.

Here’s to burning your list!

And to surrendering to the change that you are destined to experience because without change life would just be an incredibly boring wading pool.

If you missed it, catch up on Mia’s story.

Related posts:

1. The Must-Have Man List
2. Name Your Fear and Win

Another excerpt from my eBook, Ms. Single Mama Uncensored… you’ll notice this post, although originally published on my blog, is completely re-written and expanded in the book.

The Biker

Discovering I still had it in me

Originally Posted on June 8, 2008

I’m not sure which scared me more – the Biker or his Harley.

“C’mon, do you think I’d ever let anything happen to you? And you’re gonna love it!” He was very persuasive for a guy wearing a leather vest and a bandana.

He’d been asking me to take a ride for months and I’d been refusing, until now. Maybe it was because everything – him, this place and these feelings – they were all so frightening, so different from the life I’d left behind. When I left my husband, I moved everything I owned into a storage shed. Our cute little apartment in the city neighborhood I had loved so much was now bare, with the exception of the TV, the mattress and the kitchen supplies.

When I met the Biker, I was taking Benjamin for a walk down the gravel road leading to my mother’s house. Instead of strolling past boutiques and coffee shops, I was now dodging bugs and cursing the silent forest surrounding us. Eventually, I would learn to love the country and recognize the beauty in that noisy silence, but, at the time, I was still trying to wrap my head around it all. Rocks from the gravel were sticking to my shoes. I was scraping my soles on the stroller wheel, when I heard voices— male voices. Then, the dogs came.

Leaping out of the brush, they were running straight for the stroller and Benjamin. I drew a quick breath and managed a yelp or two while jumping in front of the stroller, bracing myself for whatever these dogs were about to do.
“Hey! Get down— NOW!”

The dogs came to an immediate stop at the sound of their owner’s deep, husky voice. My baby’s head was intact and standing in front of us was a man who looked like he could have squished any of my city boys into a tin can. He wore camouflage pants, a red bandana and a brown and blond beard, which hit just above his belly. So not my type.

“Sorry,” he said. As he commanded the dogs back, I could see the flames of a campfire in his yard. Around it sat three older, graying men in a circle, sharing tales. I glanced at the driveway. Three bikes.

Bikers. They were real bikers.

“Hi,” I said, “I’m Alaina—I just moved in with my mom, down the street.”

“With the little guy’s dad?” he asked.

“Oh no, we’re alone. His father and I are separated.”

“Well, anytime you want to stop by and just chill, let me know. I’m always here and, if I’m not, the dogs will be inside.”

Later, my Biker would tell me how crazy it had been to see me walking down that road, how stunning he had thought I was, standing there in my sweat pants and ponytail. But, at the time, I had felt far less than stunning, so I cut the conversation short and kept pushing Benjamin. I just hoped the Biker hadn’t noticed the baby goo stains all over my shirt. And, even though he wasn’t my type, I had felt his eyes on me and I wanted to feel them again, to see them again.

Soon, Benjamin and I would be visiting the Biker and his campfire at least three or four nights a week. I needed to escape my mother’s house and he needed some company. We would lay Benjamin down on a blanket and let him crawl around, or the Biker would bounce him on his knee and tell me how much he wanted a son of his own someday. Our goodbyes at the end of each night lingered, both of us unsure how to ask the other out. I had completely forgotten how to do this and didn’t even know if I could—and the Biker could sense it.

After three months of friendship and awkward flirting, I came home from work one day and found flowers waiting for me. The card read, “I’d like to take you out to dinner Beautiful. Love, the Biker.”

—–

“What are you waiting for? I’m not going to bite,” he patted the back of his bike.

Our dinner had come and gone and I was finally going to ride with him. When the bike took off, I shrieked a little and wrapped my arms around his chest, clutching my hands together and pressing my head into his back. I lost myself in his scent, in the wind splashing up against my face and, then, in the sunset.

“Look, look at the sky,” he shouted over the bike’s roar.

“Yeah, I see. It’s unbelievable.” And so was this moment, just the beginning of what would be a long, long dating road. But I was ready for the ride.

Read what happened next in Part 2: Sex as a Single Mom of Ms. Single Mama Uncensored.

Related posts:

1. Big Tease
2. The Biker
3. To find a prince you might have to kiss a lot of frogs.

to know about being a dating single mom.

A few days ago, I spent hours sorting through my archives to produce a lovely table of contents to this blog. It’s funny to put your own life into categories, but I think you’ll enjoy them.

Like Chapter 11 – “The Ex Files: the Men I’ve Dated Along the Way.”

Funny.

Along the way to what?

To meeting him.

The Bear. My John Bear.

I know it’s early. Only six weeks in. But when someone says, “I’ve been waiting 30 years to meet you,” and then looks into your eyes and tells you how amazing you are and you look right back at him and feel the same way – one can’t help but wonder – could this be it?

Then your knees turn all mushy right along with your heart and your head stays on, in tact and nods, up and down, up and down. Yes. I feel the same way. This is just too weird. Feels like a dream and we’re both in it together.

And stumbling across old, yet very powerful posts like this one now make me thank my lucky stars I didn’t settle, that I listened to that heart all along the way when it shouted, “move on! He’s just not right.”

And I’m so glad I did.

Turns out he was just a few blocks away the entire time.

Now the relationship chapter or this blog will begin. So far though it’s very, very easy. Delightful actually.

And as for that old fear stuff I used to write about. Gone. Seriously. Not an ounce of fear in my heart right now. It’s the oddest thing. It just feels right. Perhaps I was confusing fear with my gut telling me what I didn’t want to hear.

Maybe.

Maybe our fears are the rational side of our single mama brains pointing us in the right direction. Maybe, if based and grounded in realities, our fears are there for a reason.

Maybe we should listen to ourselves in every moment. How could we lead ourselves astray if we constantly do what is right by our family, our children and ourselves? From the groceries we buy to the dates we keep or choose to break… every decision should feel right.

As always, just food for thought my lovelies and as always, I’d love to hear yours.

P.S.

And don’t forget to check out my Ms. Single Mama Table of Contents. Lots of good stuff in there like online dating tips, break up tips, single mom dating advice. Eat your hearts out but you may want to grab a glass of wine first.

Related posts:

1. A Christmas miracle…I got to go to the grocery…alone.
2. A love song?
3. That Couple

Spring is almost here.

Time for fresh starts, flowers, warm days, cool nights and even thunderstorms. Mother nature is brewing up a quite the romance cocktail. Not sure if I’ll be taking a few sips but I better prepare myself.

Just to be safe I wrote myself a single mom dating to-do list.

Related posts:

1. Does romance really exist?
2. Being Social
3. Date night.

I just got home from my trip to Chicago.

The reason I went?

To meet this guy…

And he is just as remarkable as I had imagined.

That’s Matt freezing his ass off before we went to the top of the Hancock… and here’s me freezing my ass off , happy as can be just because I’m standing in front of a big happy tree.

There’s also something about this city that is beyond magical.

We only had one afternoon and evening to spend together but we also managed to meet up with this amazing single mom blogger (who I couldn’t snap a picture of because my camera’s battery died. URGH.)

Side note: If you live in Chicago keep your eye out for January 13th’s edition of the Red Eye, they interviewed me for an article on being a dating single mom. I’ll need someone to scoop up a copy for me…

I would write more but I’m going over to Mia’s house.

We’re going to watch Sex and the City (a momentary band aid for any woman who’s suddenly found herself single) and we’ll probably down an entire bottle of wine. Your comments to Mia’s “Letter to the Other Woman” have helped her tremendously. The letter has also been making it’s way across the internet — being posted as far away as Manila (I apparently have readers there – astonishingly beautiful readers by the way). I would link to them but it’s a password protected site.

Then tomorrow it’s off to pick up my little man… who is having the time of his life at Grandma’s – where today he spotted wild turkeys all on his own. How does a 2-year-old spot wild turkeys you ask? He sneaks off up the drive way – finds them hiding behind his uncle’s truck and then runs down the hill shouting in pure excitement to tell his Grandma. Amazing.

Life is pretty remarkable if you think about it, despite all of the pain it throws at us.

Without the pain we would not be able to feel the joy. And if you hadn’t guessed by how excited I sound, this trip was just what I needed to snap myself out of my little New Year’s funk.

And to all of you lurkers who came out of the closet I’ve read every one of your comments… just amazed out how remarkable each and every one of you are – and I’m so incredibly flattered that you’re here.

To 2009 and to single parents… may this year bring us the strength to not just go on, but to make all of our dreams a reality.

Related posts:

1. Joining the club.
2. The Ultimate Single Mom Contest
3. A Letter To the “Other Woman”:

“I don’t think you’ve ever really been in love.”

Mr. Man tells me this as I sit cross-legged on the couch, our knees are touching and he is holding my hands in his. This is his conclusion after weeks of us talking and learning about each other’s checkered pasts – the pasts that led us together in this moment.

“It just doesn’t sound like a man has ever treated you right in your life,” he says as he looks into my eyes. I dart them to the ground as I realize how right he is.

“You must be scared as hell,” he says.

He’s absolutely right. I feel my armor thicken as I respond, “It’s true. Every experience I’ve had with a man has ended with me on the losing end, financially, emotionally – all around.”

Mr. Man bears a close resemblance to Heath Ledger. Think Heath Ledger in Broke Back Mountain – not gay (obviously) and no long hair but with the thick southern drawl, the chiseled arms, the defined chin and cheekbones. Mr. Man is all man. His flannel shirt sleeves hang over his weathered hands, which are twice the size of mine – not in length but in width. He used them to take my garbage out the other night.

“It’s okay,” I said impulsively, “I can get it.”

“No – I’m getting it.” He pauses and looks at my face that’s now softened into shocked appreciation. “Gosh, you really haven’t had anyone help you out before have you?” No, I shake my head.

“These city boys must be weak or something.”

He lifts my trash as if it’s a feather and hauls it outside. I’m still in shock. He just helps out, without being asked. Maybe it’s because he’s a single father or maybe he’s just a gentleman. Regardless, I’m definitely falling into that rabbit hole.

There’s much, much more… but again – still trying to keep this one close to my chest as one of you told me, “Let it bloom.”

Related posts:

• A Kink in the Plans
• Does Romance Really Exist
• Can Single Moms Fall in Love?

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