Single Mom | Single Mom Blog | Ms. Single Mama » dating after divorce

The dating front

mssinglemama — Tue, 05 May 2009 01:23:59 +0000

I’ve met a bear.

It’s quite ironic actually because after I wrote about the tiger and the lion, a bear showed up. What’s even odder is that so many of you had commented telling me only a bear would do. And I sat here reading those comments, wondering – perplexed. Why the bear? What’s with this bear thing?

And then he surfaced with his crystal blue eyes, soft smile and then his big bear hug. So clearly not a lion or a tiger, the bear is as you all said – comfortable, strong, delightfully funny, intelligent, patient and respectful of all of my boundaries (emotional and physical). And he calls me. On. The. Gasp. Phone.

It’s too early to tell much of anything, except for the teeny tiny fact that the bear has potential.

Dating is always fun for me, easy almost, until I bump into someone who is really there, someone I may actually want to keep around, someone who wants to keep me around… someone I can see myself with. Then fun typically turns into something more intense, something that sends me into a soft panic. Of how and why. But so far, there will be none of that.

This time I’m ready. And I’m going to enjoy him, not fear him.

—–

Another single mama bites the bullet.

Tracy of a Brand New Day, Tracy of One of My First Single Mama Blogging Friends, is now engaged. I can’t even tell you how odd it is to sit here and watch the single mamas all fall. Mommy Pie, Morgan and now Tracy. Fall in a good way… I mean fall into love land when they least expected it or wanted it. That, is the trick, it appears.

So go check out Tracy’s blog for her proposal story. I know you love those. The best part? Her big man asked her little man for permission. Wow.

—-

Sometimes it’s a good thing when you receive an errant text…

meant for another girl with a name very much like yours.

“Drinks with you went much better than expected : ) im glad we met up tonite!”

And suddenly you realize why your perfectly dateable, totally attractive, single dad friend is still single.

He can’t text girls worth a shit.

This is not the good thing. The good thing is that I can help him.

So I text back:

“Wrong girl!!!! Haaaaaaa. And never text a : ) to a girl again. You need texting lessons!”

I called him and gave him the some tips, the first being not to text a girl seconds after you’ve parted ways. Let her wonder a bit. And yeah, the smiley face from a guy – not so much.

After my divorce I realized quickly the world of dating had changed thanks to text messaging. I soon discovered that many guys, especially the younger ones, actually ask you out on dates via text and sometimes even cancel them via text. At first I balked at all of this but now I’m slipping into the texting camp.

I’m also discovering that a man’s texting style, like his kissing style, can either turn me completely on or off.

Sometimes guys, it’s better to just pick up the phone.

With that said, if it’s a single mom you’re calling be prepared for the sound of her three-year-old in the background, “I want to talk! Let me talk.”

Or, “Mommy! Mommy! MOOOOOMMEEEEEE!!!!”

I still can’t even imagine what it must be like to be childless and dating someone with a child. Some of the men, upon hearing my screaming little one in the background, ignore it all together and jump off of the phone.

Others patiently wait while saying, “No problem, take your time.”

I prefer the later, of course, and typically drop the ones who are uncomfortable with the kid factor. One thing nearly as annoying as the sound of a three-year-old begging for attention is a man who can’t handle kids.

Sometimes the benefit of the doubt is in order, but only if he’s not meant for serious things.

—–

Winners.

It’s taken me SO long to do this. But congratulations to Lindsey Jay - you won the Dating Topics game, courtesy of SingleEdition.com.

And congratulations to Nydia, Sheila, Margaret from the NM, Angela and Mary – you’ll all be getting a copy of Christine Coppa’s Rattled!

I am still necklace shopping but have one on its way that may be the perfect fit. We all made it together! And I’m SOOOOOOO excited to unveil it here. Hopefully it will be here by Friday. So hang on… keep leaving your feedback until then, everyone who comments has a chance to win that very necklace, or the necklace of their choice.

I’m thinking the winner will want the new necklace though. The first one.

Single moms are on fire.

mssinglemama — Wed, 16 Jul 2008 21:22:13 +0000

Single moms are hot, hot, hot.

Yep. We are trendy. It’s official.

This fact was pointed out to me in my first piece of hate mail from a YouTube viewer, one of nearly 500 who have already watched Morgan and I’s “Dating & Single Moms” video. With so many views, and there will be more, the crazies are bound to come out. Regardless he made one point I agreed on.

Women with children are realizing it’s okay to be single. But while Mr. Crazy thinks this awakening to not “needing” a man marks the downfall of society, I think it’s about time.

It’s about time single moms can be proud and happy. We didn’t choose this path but here it is – and it’s in our children’s best interest to make the best of it – day in and day out. And yes, society (ours anyway) is slowly coming to accept single moms and dads. We have celebrity role models all over the place. Some good. Some bad. Angelina Jolie (the original who snagged Brad Pitt), Kate Hudson (the newbie) and who is that? Madonna? She might be a single mom again. Or is she already? I can’t keep up.

And last night Must Love Kids premiered on TLC. There was even a single dad on this last season of the Bachelorette. Yep. Single moms and dads are all over the place. And while it concerns me that some young women might actually aspire to be a single mom or actually want to be caught up in a dramatic and sexy divorce (because the reality is much darker) I think the positives of society accepting the single parent household (whether it be through mainstream media or blogs) is ultimately a good thing.

And to the question – are happy and proud single moms bad for society?

Time will be the judge but I can tell you one thing that is for certain – it’s bad for society when fathers leave their families, check out mentally or lash out physically against the mothers of their children or when they refuse to pay child support or play a role in their child’s lives. This is something that has been happening for generations but now, finally, the women and children left behind can actually communicate openly.

I think the responsibility of how our society and how this country’s children turn out lies on everyone’s shoulders – mothers, fathers, grandparents, neighbors, aunts, uncles. It takes a village and if anyone ever lays blames solely on the mother because she slept with the wrong man and god forbid (got pregnant) than they can … well … I’ll leave that one up to your imagination.

Just had to vent after that horrible, horrible e-mail from YouTube which I won’t reprint here because it was too disgusting and offensive.

P.S. I had my neighbor TIVO Must Love Kids, no TV in the house so I missed it! Darn it. Will definitely catch it this weekend and from what I’m reading – the reviews are great.

P.P.S. This is an entry into MommyPie’s BlogHerNot ’08 Conference the topic: “How to Nail a Crazy YouTube Commenter with a Post”

How to date the childless.

mssinglemama — Wed, 25 Jun 2008 21:03:07 +0000

The first question most single parents ask when they finally get back out there on the dating scene is, “Can I even date someone without a kid?”

The challenges to dating someone without a child can be daunting. Will they ever understand your life? And when they do – will they run away screaming in fear once they realize that parenting never ends? It can also be irritating to date childless people.

They often lack genuine empathy for your situation, talk about stuff that just seems pointless and annoy you with stories about how hard their lives are. But, as one of my friends said recently, “You can’t help who you fall in love with.”

When I left my ex-husband and Benjamin was just four-months-old I couldn’t imagine anyone joining our lives but they did and the relationships didn’t end because I’m a single mom, they ended because child or not we weren’t a good match.

Here are some things you can do to fan the flames of a romance with the single and childless.

1. Be patient. They’re not going to “get it” right away nor should they need to. Do you know if you’re going to marry this person or be in a long-term relationship with them? No way. You might have a feeling in your gut, but that’s not enough to warrant long chats about how they’ll perform as a father or a mother. And besides, nothing will freak them out more than these kinds of questions. These questions will come later and by the time later comes you might not even want to be with them any more.

2. Put it into perspective. Before you became a parent – you weren’t one. Duh! You’re shouting at your computer screen. But, seriously, think about it. Being a parent is nothing anyone can prepare for and chances are you wouldn’t have predicted what kind of parent you are today. There’s no way to tell what kind of parent your flame will become once they’ve fallen for your kids. Don’t waste your time analyzing their every move. Instead, focus on how they treat you – this will give you the answers on how they will eventually treat your children.

3. Go easy on them. DO NOT ask or tell them to be your child’s missing parent, DO NOT expect them to save you and DO NOT ask them to move in until you’ve been dating for at least one year. These are recipies for disaster. You’ll freak them out. And besides, you’re probably moving too quickly. You have a child now so everything must move slowly. No more whirlwind romances. This is one of the hardest facts to come to terms with, dating will never be the same.

4. Find your fun side again. This one was tough for me. During the first year, I had a really tough time relaxing on a date or just chatting about something other than Benjamin. I thought it was all they were thinking about (the fact that I’m a single mom) when in reality, I was the one thinking about it constantly. Eventually I let my hair down and said hello to that single chick inside of me again.

5. They don’t really care that you’re a single parent unless you make them care. This is the most important lesson I’ve learned. If someone falls in love with you, the fact that you’re a single mom or dad is icing on the cake. But before they fall in love with you try to avoid scaring them off with negative comments about being a single mom. For example, don’t say “Being a single mom is SO hard, you have no idea, sometimes I just want to die.” Keep your single parent anxieties to yourself and your close friends until you’ve been dating someone for a while.

Would dating another single parent be easier? Sure. At the beginning, you’d have more to talk about, you could relate, he would instantly get the parenting thing. But dating another parent opens another can of challenges, I’ll save that one for later.

In the meantime, I hope these mini-lessons help. Do you have any to add? Or any stories about dating the single and childless?

P.S. I hope the networks are reading this post, there could be an entire soap opera titleds, “The Single & Childless.” Awesome.

Related Posts:

Date Night

Do Men Really Care if You’re a Single Mom

Can Single Moms Fall in Love?

Can Men Feel Empathy?

[Photo Credit: "Love XOXO" by Pink Sherbet on Flickr]

To find a prince you might have to kiss a lot of frogs.

mssinglemama — Sat, 15 Dec 2007 01:40:11 +0000

Five months after leaving my husband and before the divorce was even final I started dating again.

And now one year later I’m embarking on my first relationship post-divorce. Yes, it’s been one year of dating. I know that’s probably not what you want to hear, but minus a few bumps and bruises along the way it has been quite an adventure and what a prize at the end!

The most important lesson I can pass on to other dating single mamas is:

You will inevitably kiss a few frogs before you find your prince. But to really appreciate your prince you have to have kissed those frogs. You’re not going to find him right away. Until then…try to just relax and have fun.

When I left my husband I moved in with my mother…to my hometown – a small bustling university town in the middle of nowhere. As far as men were concerned the pickings were slim. They were either university professors (always married), college students or small town professionals. From now on I would be a completely open-minded dater. And date I did.

The Rebound

My first single mom fling was with a friend. We would spend two or three nights a week together… watching movies, talking, playing with baby Benjamin and just enjoying each other’s company. But he was much older than me…11 years older. And he really wasn’t my type. A biker. A biker who lived in the woods, completely alone wtih his seven dogs. I knew there was no chance this could ever turn into a serious relationship. But I had to get back out there and why not with a friend? He was also just what the doctor ordered – a tough, strong man who hated jerks like my ex-husband. That was sexy.

One night we were sitting on the couch and started cuddling. I could tell he wanted to kiss me and I kept dodging his lean-ins. Then I thought to myself, “I have to do this, I have to kiss this man, I have to move on.” And so I did. It was amazing. Such a release to just be with someone else and to realize that I still knew how to kiss. We dated for about a month and a half. In the end it just fizzled out, as all rebounds do. The fireworks were gone and we both moved on. This particular man, is a prince, just not my prince.

Let the dating begin…

With my first single mama fling over with I was ready to jump back in the saddle and go out on real “dates”…or so I thought. I was pushing it before I was really ready. I just wanted it to end. I wanted to find him…so desperately. Too desperately. If I saw a man who was even slightly attractive I’d look for a ring – it seemed like they all had one. Why was everyone married but me? Why was I alone? What on earth had I done to deserve this?

I’m sure the men could sense my desperation. They could probably smell it from a mile away. And when the town is only six miles wide that’s a problem.

Beam me up, Scottie!

After too many bad dates and heartaches I decided I’d outgrown the small town men. I had recently been rejected again over e-mail… so I sent an e-mail of my own – to a headhunter. Miraculously – he had an opening for me and three weeks later I was back in the city where single, young happy men were everywhere.

Unfortunately the city men were just as messed up as the small town guys. One had a major porn addiction and couldn’t even – you know – with me. I met the other one through a friend and then spotted him on Match.com – and active while we were dating and sleeping together.

My friends didn’t seem to think this was a big deal – “did you ask him if you were exclusive?”

“No!” I belted, “Was I supposed to?”

“Hell yes. This is the city – remember? No one is exclusive until you talk about it. And you can’t call him so often.”

The rules. All of these rules. That was one nice thing about the small town the rules didn’t seem so tough. You either liked each other or you didn’t – or you were just extremely messed up in the head. But games like this were beyond me.

I was hurt. I was tired of it. Two little mini-relationships were enough and then I resolved to just be single forever…well, not forever, but I realized that being single really wasn’t that bad. I was happy. I was content. And that’s when I met Kris.

He calls me all of the time. He answers when I call. Okay, these are the basics but when you’re dating they become variables. He actually watches Benjamin so I can go out with the girls or go shopping. He makes me laugh – A LOT. He is so attentive to my moods and respectful of my work load and life load. He asks about Benjamin. He cares about us both. And he’s young… oh, and sexy. God is he sexy. I’ll have to commit an entire entry to this young guy thing because I completely recommend it.

The bottom line – while you’re a dating single mom – be patient, have fun, and then enjoy your prince…he’s on his way. Don’t worry. Just get rid of the frogs when one plops on your door step – don’t waste your time. As soon as it gets annoying or stressful toss him out with the dirty bath water.

UPDATE:

Kris and I dated for 6-months and thoroughly enjoyed each other the entire time. He will always be a really good friend of mine. So now I’m dating again… looking again for that elusive prince and trying to remind myself that one may exist.

Just when I thought I was safe…

mssinglemama — Mon, 05 Nov 2007 03:09:23 +0000

Six weeks ago I had reached a point of complete contentment with being single.

Over the past year and a half I have been looking, searching for someone. There was a pattern. I liked a guy. We hit it off. I scared him off. My friends told me, “You’re calling him too much.”

“What? I have a child. Do I really have to play these dating games anymore?”

“Great,” I said, “Then I’ll get rid of him quickly. If he doesn’t want a phone call from me, why would I want to be with him?” It was like a reflex, something inside of me trying to protect our little life from being broken.

“There are rules,” my friends would say. Rules? Oh, yeah. Those damn rules. I used to play by the rules. I used to be a dating diva, often dating more than one guy at once. It was my independence that attracted them. But after being married for two years and a mother for nearly two years I have completely lost my edge. It just can’t happen.

I can’t see myself ever returning to those days of care free dating.

So, what’s a single mom to do? Forget about it. And that’s what I did. I decided not to date a guy who makes me feel like I have to play by the rules. No more games. They are either completely into me or they aren’t. And I have to be completely into them because this single thing is actually pretty damn cool.

I was at a coffee shop, enjoying my new found indifference when fate took over.

My phone rang. It was an old friend and she desperately needed a ride out to a bar in the suburbs. A place where I never venture past dark. I hate the suburbs, especially bars in the suburbs.

I can’t say no – she’s desperate.We get there and I find out she’s meeting two completely drunk men in their late 50′s. Not my bag. I head outside for a cigarette.

I’m still enjoying my own company, not striking up conversations with any of the men around me – completely content. And then a guy sits down at my table. He starts up a conversation. I’m witty, I’m funny, I’m happy because I just don’t care. And then his friend walks in, “This is Kris,” he says.

Oh no. Oh God, he’s cute, really cute. He’s wearing a vintage suit, he is tall, thick dark brown hair, big green eyes. I couldn’t have dreamt up a better guy for me – just based on looks. I still didn’t care. But I wanted to find out – is he intelligent, is he funny? I can’t go back inside and talk to the old creepy men.

So I test the waters with some witty comments a guy for me would understand. He sits up in his chair.

“We’ve got a smart one here,” his buddy says to him. He nods. His eyes are light now, his smile is huge and he’s actually excited… so am I. Damn it.

From this point on it’s all over. We were laughing and talking all night. Before I left the bar I got his number, called his phone so he had mine and invited them out for Friday night. When we left, Kris grabbed me in a big hug. A hug that was so incredibly refreshing. He’s young, he’s innocent, he doesn’t have any baggage. He just wants to be with me. There were no rules in that hug.

That night I had a dream – about him.

We were kissing, we were together. What??? I had a dream about a man? This never happens. I was married for two years and had only a few dreams about my own husband. I woke up and decided to text him. That dream was an incredible tease.

“Thanks for the hug.”

He wrote back, “No problem, you’re a sweetie and very hugable. I’ve got class until 8:00 – after that I’ll be feeling like calling you.” He called at 8:15. No stress. Completely adorable and now it’s been three weeks. We talk on the phone at least two times day, we see each other two nights a week. I don’t feel myself losing control because this time around I am gauging this relationship against my content single frame of mind.

Note to self – you can not be happy with someone else, unless you are completely happy with yourself.

Getting there is the tough part.

**UPDATE**

To find out what happened with Kris, click here.