to know about being a dating single mom.

A few days ago, I spent hours sorting through my archives to produce a lovely table of contents to this blog. It’s funny to put your own life into categories, but I think you’ll enjoy them.

Like Chapter 11 – “The Ex Files: the Men I’ve Dated Along the Way.”

Funny.

Along the way to what?

To meeting him.

The Bear. My John Bear.

I know it’s early. Only six weeks in. But when someone says, “I’ve been waiting 30 years to meet you,” and then looks into your eyes and tells you how amazing you are and you look right back at him and feel the same way – one can’t help but wonder – could this be it?

Then your knees turn all mushy right along with your heart and your head stays on, in tact and nods, up and down, up and down. Yes. I feel the same way. This is just too weird. Feels like a dream and we’re both in it together.

And stumbling across old, yet very powerful posts like this one now make me thank my lucky stars I didn’t settle, that I listened to that heart all along the way when it shouted, “move on! He’s just not right.”

And I’m so glad I did.

Turns out he was just a few blocks away the entire time.

Now the relationship chapter or this blog will begin. So far though it’s very, very easy. Delightful actually.

And as for that old fear stuff I used to write about. Gone. Seriously. Not an ounce of fear in my heart right now. It’s the oddest thing. It just feels right. Perhaps I was confusing fear with my gut telling me what I didn’t want to hear.

Maybe.

Maybe our fears are the rational side of our single mama brains pointing us in the right direction. Maybe, if based and grounded in realities, our fears are there for a reason.

Maybe we should listen to ourselves in every moment. How could we lead ourselves astray if we constantly do what is right by our family, our children and ourselves? From the groceries we buy to the dates we keep or choose to break… every decision should feel right.

As always, just food for thought my lovelies and as always, I’d love to hear yours.

P.S.

And don’t forget to check out my Ms. Single Mama Table of Contents. Lots of good stuff in there like online dating tips, break up tips, single mom dating advice. Eat your hearts out but you may want to grab a glass of wine first.

Related posts:

1. A Christmas miracle…I got to go to the grocery…alone.
2. A love song?
3. That Couple

Last Thursday night Benjamin woke up screaming in pain.

I ran upstairs. His body was lurching forward and backward, legs kicking. Finally I calmed him down and said, “Is it your tooth, baby? Does your tooth hurt?”

“Yes, Mommy.”

“Okay. Listen. Tomorrow morning, first thing, we’ll go to the Sticker Doctor (the dentist) and he’ll take the tooth away. Alright?”

“Okay, Mommy.” Until then I gave him some Motrin and watched him drift off to sleep.

When we got to the hospital the next morning, the dentist looked at both of us – bracing himself – he remembered us from the last time when Benjamin fought the body wrap with so much strength that he nearly broke free.

Benjamin looked at that long chair and the board they were going to strap him into and then looked at me.

“You’re going to be fine baby,” I’m trying to choke back my own tears because I hate this shit, “You will. You’re going to be brave and strong. And it is going to hurt, but only for a little bit. And when you’re done they’ll give you Thomas stickers, okay?”

“Okay, Mommy.”

And then an entire room of adults were completely humbled and awed by the strength of a little 2-year-old. Benjamin laid down on the chair, offered up his wrists so they could be tied and completely relaxed. He locked into my eyes and I started carressing his little feet – the only things sticking out of the body wrap.

First the laughing gas, which he breathed slowly, then the long numbing needle and then the actual tooth pulling. Not one of these phased him. He was completely calm the entire time. Stoic. Strong. Brave.

The dentists couldn’t believe it. Never before had they ever seen a “2-year-old extraction” go so well. Never. When we were walking out the dentist was telling the story to a group of residents and nurses, “There he is… completely still the entire time.” They were all shaking their heads in disbelief and giving Benjamin loud cheers.

Where does this come from? This strength? This tolerance for pain? From me or his father? Or maybe he just really loves Thomas stickers. We finally got into the car. Benjamin was clutching his stickers for dear life (all 15 of them – the nurses were very generous). And finally the tears came. Tears of pride. The first I’ve ever had in my life.

I turned my head and shouted, “Benjamin – you kicked ASS! You were AMAZING! Give me five!”

And he did. He slapped me a high five and nodded his head. His toothless grin all lop-sided thanks to the numbness. I love that kid. More than anything. Our bond, as he’s growing older, is becoming more and more apparent. He and I are officially soul mates, bound at the hip or connected to each other for the rest of our lives – because we are in this together.

I love it.

And when I read nasty YouTube comments from men who would never date a single mom because they’d always come second to her child, I think… “Yeah, you’re damn right you would because I’m second to him too. The kid comes first – always.” And if any man can’t understand that a child should come first – then he is a child himself.

As my mom told me the other night, “If someone can’t love a kid, than they can’t love anyone.”

Peace my single mamas.

This single mama is going to have a very relaxing Monday night – the one night of week of pure “Me” time.

Related posts:

1. Good guys do exist.
2. Single Mom S.O.S. – Explaining a Break Up
3. The Best Break-up Song Ever

On Saturday night Kris came over. Yes, I’m weak. Damn it.

We met at a bar. I called him after writing my baggage post which stirred up all kinds of Kris memories. But by the time he got there my sickness, which had started creeping up on me earlier in the evening, was now a full blown stomach cramp. I could hardly stand up let alone swallow my drink.

“We have to go home, I feel sick.”

“No…,” he takes a step back, “No way. I can not get sick right now.”

This actually made me laugh because the look of fear on his face, he has a very charismatic face, and it looked like I was pointing a gun at his head. I couldn’t blame him. Benjamin’s day care bugs are the worst illnesses I’ve ever had, each one with it’s own unique set of vicious symptoms – pounding headaches, severe stomach cramps or violent coughs. It always surprises me that the little guy handles them with such grace. But not us adults. And Kris, having dated me for six months, has had his fair share of them.

I live just a few blocks from the bar so he walks me home anyway and I promise not to kiss him. After thanking the sitter we curl up on the couch. No kissing, just cuddling. So nice. I told him about the post I’d just published.

“I wrote about my baggage tonight.”

“Baggage? You don’t have any baggage. You just can’t ever hang out.”

Nothing like the clarity of a 24-year-old’s mind to make you feel like a goof for psycho-analyzing yourself. So I have two more tips to add to my list on How to Date a Single Mom:

1. Single moms can’t hang out all of the time. Take me for example, I am only available on Monday nights, which I’ve already got booked solid for the next two weeks. So to squeeze you in I’d have to find a sitter. Usually after a few dates and if I really like the guy, I invite them over for wine on my front porch (after Benjamin’s asleep). Once a guy’s in – like Kris was – I can be very spontaneous as long as Benjamin is invited. But, to a younger man, I’m sure a single mom’s inability to go out on the fly (without the kids) is a big negative. But that’s okay because young guys aren’t ready to settle anyway…

2. Pack your vitamins. If you’re dating a single mom with little ones in day care or school. And if they do get you sick you may experiences sicknesses the likes of which you could never have imagined – don’t make a big deal out of it, just take it like a man – because if you’re dating a single mom, chances are she’ll be too busy to bring you chicken noodle soup.

P.S. Kris left me a bucket by the bed and tucked me in … no drama, no crazy romp in the hay, just a good friend. And Benjamin’s illness had me on my ass for two days. Fun. One of the only times I daydream about having a sweet husband or boyfriend to take care of little me.

Related Kris posts you might like:

One Step Back, Two Steps Forward

Did I lose my Mr. Good Enough?

And my other How to Date a Single Mom posts:

How to Date a Single Mom, Part 1

How to Date a Single Mom, Part 2

How to Date a Single Mom, Part 3 (Thomas‘s perspective)

[Photo Credit: Spring Love, find it here]

Related posts:

1. How to Date a Single Mom, Part 2
2. How to Date a Single Mom, Part 3
3. How to date the childless.