Benjamin is catching on to the fact that there is no man in this house.

And it’s hard.

I didn’t think it would be so difficult to hear them:

“Mommy, is Daddy working?”

“Yes, baby, he’s working but he misses you.”

and the new one…

“Mommy, do you have a daddy?”

“No. Not anymore.”

“Where is he? Is he working?”

“No, honey he is gone. But he loves you too.”

I’m awful at this shit.

They’re just so hard to answer – these questions that carry such incredible weight to us adults – so I try to keep it simple. And Benjamin doesn’t just talk about his Daddy every once in a while, it’s at least once an hour. But it’s also every time he’s crying or throwing a fit over something.

Between sobs he always manages an, ” I – waaaaannnnntttt mmmmyyyyy daddddyy.”

It’s hard as hell to hear that in those moments.

—–

The two men I’ve actually fallen for since becoming a single mom, Kris and Mr. Man, were polar opposites right down to their looks and their age. But they both had one thing in common — Benjamin adored them and they adored him right back.

I’m realizing now that if Benjamin doesn’t love a guy then I can’t love him.

My son’s approval is paramount to mine. Funny having such a teeny, tiny little person completely in charge of my love life. But it’s fine. Really. Because I don’t think I could fall for someone who wasn’t falling for Benjamin too. With that said, finding that allusive love trifecta is the tough part.

Here are some of my red flags I look out for while dating. These clue me in on whether or not a guy is into Benjamin:

• He rarely asks about Benjamin or he asks often but doesn’t wait for the answer.
• I tell him about Benjamin and he tells me a story about his dog.
• He doesn’t seem excited to meet Benjamin or hang out with him again if they’ve already met.

You may be thinking – how could a guy ever care that much about my son before he’s even met him or directly thereafter? But it does happen. There’s a click between big people and little people too.

Have you ever broken up with a man because he didn’t click with your kids? How long do you think it takes to see if a bond is there – I know it must take longer if the kids are older? And how do you handle the daddy questions?

See. Lots of questions all around.

More posts I’ve written about Dads or a Lack Thereof:

• Daddy, Daddy, Daddy? [evidence that the daddy questions are nothing new]
• Houston we have a problem.
• Dead Beat Dads or Dads Who Just Don’t Care – What’s the Difference?

Related posts:

1. Pressing Love Questions
2. O’ Daddy, Where Art Thou?
3. Daddy! Daddy! Daddy?

We have a problem.

Or do we?

Benjamin found my bra this morning and refused to take it off.

In fact, I was late to work because of the mini tantrum that ensued when I told him he couldn’t wear it to school. The bra fascination will be a nice addition to his obsession for my high heels and for wearing his best friend Sydney’s tights.

Now that he is becoming a little boy I’m more aware than ever that there is no man in this house. There are certainly things he’s missing out on… like being carried around on Daddy’s shoulders, trying on Daddy’s shoes or wearing Daddy’s watch.

But that’s fine. Really. The alternative – actually having Daddy around – is far more frightening than his absence.

Yesterday while on a conference call at work – the job that keeps a roof over Benjamin’s head, food in his belly, clothes on his back and will one day pay for his education… the job I can not lose – I got a voicemail from his father.

“I’m not bringing him back,” his voice sounded odd, not threatening but completely heavy and off kilter.

My pulse started racing at a million miles an hour, all while trying to listen to the incredibly important meeting on the phone.

Then I get a text message.

“My car died. I just have a mega break down. I miss my mommy. It’s been five years.”

Again his car his dead – nothing new – but the vision of my son alone with his father in the midst of a mental break down had me in a complete panic. My ex’s mother lives in Canada. His childhood was not a pleasant one – far from it, which explains why he is the way he is – emotionally unavailable and completely devoid of feelings, care or worry for others. It’s quite depressing actually. Until now, he hadn’t mentioned his mother in years.

To say I was freaked out would be an understatement.

I finished the conference call, sent a rushed e-mail to my co-workers and bolted out the door in the midst of a semi-blizzard to make the hour and a half drive to Benjamin. It happens at least once a month, leaving work after his father’s car dies or he bails on one thing or another.

I told him calmly to take Benjamin to my mother’s house. When I got there, at record speed, I found him on the couch still asleep from his nap in Daddy’s car.

——-

I’ve mentioned this before… I know one day Benjamin’s father will leave this country and go home to Montreal, it’s just a matter of when. I have debated the moral question of giving him a little shove – simply wanting to save Benjamin from the pain he’ll feel when his father does leave – thinking that sooner is better than later. But I’ve stopped myself – until now.

Last night was too close, too weird, too scary.

So this morning I called him.

“Do you want to go back to Canada?”

“Yes,” he said calmly, “that’s what I’ve been thinking this week.”

“I just want you to know that you have my blessing to leave. I want you to be happy. And Benjamin will be happier if you are happier. We could come and visit, he could even spend a few weeks with you every summer. It would be better for him if you were happy.”

I went on and on. Sounding too excited, I’m sure. The conversation I’d had in my daydreams was happening. And just as I had envisioned he agreed, without protest.

Then I gave him an extra push.

“I’ll give you money for a plane ticket and a down payment for an apartment.”

Bingo.

Silence.

“We’ll talk later,” he said.

Now I’m waiting.

This could either get brushed under the rug or in a week I’ll find him on my front porch asking for a plane ticket or a bus fare.

It could be over. Finally. The worry, the angst I feel when he has Benjamin. My gut has been screaming for so long and now I’m trying to listen… and you know what? It feels right. I know I am doing the right thing.

And it’s true, my ex does not belong here – he should be home, in his culture, with his family and friends. He would be happier and so would we. This could be for the best.

Let’s just hope he doesn’t completely forget the little English he’s learned if he did go back. That could be interesting.

Related posts:

1. Eyelashes
2. The Dirty Laundry.
3. When is daddy going to bail?

You’re not going to believe this…

When my ex picked Benjamin up this morning, I told him again how attached Benjamin has been to him lately, asking about him all of the time. I do this because I want him to know how much he is needed and loved. For some reason, I think it helps… and then I said, “If you move to Chicago it would be really, really hard on him.”

“I’m not moving,” he said, “I never said I was moving. I was just asking you what you thought about that.”

Sigh.

And that, my dear readers, was my marriage in a nutshell. He would say something, change his mind and then tell me I had misunderstood him. I would sit there for days, like I am now, scratching my head, bewildered and feeling guilty for overreacting. The victim of some kind of twisted mind trick – or am I the victim of my own mind?

Perhaps, one could argue, I should know him better by now. And, for now at least, it looks like Daddy isn’t going anywhere…

For the first piece to this puzzle, read “When is Daddy Going to Bail?”

And I’m in a man-hating mood today (can you blame me?) and just found this book, “Are Men Necessary,” by Maureen Dowd. I love her writing and may have to check it out. Or at least put it on my night stand for a while – may make me feel better. It’s only $6.99 on Amazon. Has anyone read it?

If you’re bored check this out: an old post I wrote on a fantastic article about men and identifying their types:

»What do jerks and shoes have in common?

P.S. My online dating how to for the single parent is on it’s way… on hold because it’s going to be quite a piece. Hopefully a guiding light to navigate this crazy online dating mess.

Related posts:

1. When is daddy going to bail?

It’s only a matter of time…

(Part 2 of my single mom fairy tale and my date last night will have to wait. You’ll understand why I hope, that I can’t think about anything else right now because tonight Benjamin’s father told me he is going to move away.)

There is something I know with every inch of my body, in my gut, in my heart and in my mind. I know that one day my ex-husband will leave… he will disappear from Benjamin’s life. I’ve known it since the day I left him and the weeks that followed without a phone call checking on Benjamin or a visit. My heart broke into a million pieces over and over and over again when his father just wasn’t there – ever. 

And then he started showing up – for his two days each week with Benjamin – like clock work. But still, no phone calls during the week to check up on him, no visits outside of his 36 hours. Nothing. 

My ex-husband is from Canada. We got married so he could get his Green Card (I know I shouldn’t disclose this, but I don’t give a damn because the INS can kick him out of the country for all I care). But they won’t. We were in love. We had a child. It was legit.

So the question hanging in my mind has always been, when is he going to bail? I know when the day comes it will be sudden. Maybe a phone call, “I’m coming by to see Benjamin today because I’m leaving tomorrow.” Something to that effect.

Tonight when I got home from work his father told me, “I think I will be moving to Chicago.” 

Just like that.

No conversation, no “I have something important to tell you.” Nope. Nothing surrounded the sentence, no mention of Benjamin or when he would see him. Chicago is six hours away from here. 

“Oh, really?” I ask calmly. “Why?”

“My company has a great job for me there, I’ll make twice as much as I make now.”

“What about Benjamin?”

“Yeah. That sucks… but I won’t be able to make any money here. I will be stuck here for five years and never make more money.” Coat that sentence in his thick French accent, I corrected his English liberally. This by the way is complete and utter bull shit. We live in a big city, his father could easily move here and do just fine. 

He goes on to tell me he’s not sure when it will happen, six months from now or maybe less. He can’t be sure. 

Oh, and keep in mind, he’s said nothing of these plans to the SINGLE MOM he’s LIVING with or her six-year-old son. My mama bear instincts are raging in this moment, I am FURIOUS. My heart is breaking again – not for myself – but for Benjamin. For my sweet, adorable little boy who has a father who could care less about seeing him or being in his life. 

It will happen. He will disappear one day. I just want it too happen sooner rather than later. To happen now, when Benjamin is only two and a half, not when he’s three and completely understands. Even now it would be impossibly hard to explain. Benjamin still asks for his father every day. One morning he woke up and just started crying, “Daddy gone, mommy. Daddy gone.” Woke up crying. He says this phrase often – at least once a day.

Yes. Daddy will be gone one day and I can’t wait. ENOUGH. I want him out of our lives. Maybe I should move to Alaska. He wouldn’t follow us there. Or Portland. Or Montana, I’ve always dreamt of living in Montana. This is where my mind is – how can I protect my son from his father? Aside from moving there’s nothing I can do. I can only sit here and wait… wondering when he’s going to vanish and wondering how I will wipe the pain away for Benjamin. 

If you aren’t too familiar with my ex-husband you might want to read this horrifying tale.

Again, I’m sorry to leave you hanging about the date. Tomorrow…

Related posts:

1. Daddy! Daddy! Daddy?
2. O’ Daddy, Where Art Thou?
3. Daddy is coming back.