by mssinglemama on March 11, 2009
Benjamin is catching on to the fact that there is no man in this house.
And it’s hard.
I didn’t think it would be so difficult to hear them:
“Mommy, is Daddy working?”
“Yes, baby, he’s working but he misses you.”
and the new one…
“Mommy, do you have a daddy?”
“No. Not anymore.”
“Where is he? Is he working?”
“No, honey he is gone. But he loves you too.”
I’m awful at this shit.
They’re just so hard to answer – these questions that carry such incredible weight to us adults – so I try to keep it simple. And Benjamin doesn’t just talk about his Daddy every once in a while, it’s at least once an hour. But it’s also every time he’s crying or throwing a fit over something.
Between sobs he always manages an, ” I – waaaaannnnntttt mmmmyyyyy daddddyy.”
It’s hard as hell to hear that in those moments.
—–
The two men I’ve actually fallen for since becoming a single mom, Kris and Mr. Man, were polar opposites right down to their looks and their age. But they both had one thing in common — Benjamin adored them and they adored him right back. [click to continue…]
by mssinglemama on January 8, 2009
We have a problem.
Or do we?
Benjamin found my bra this morning and refused to take it off.
In fact, I was late to work because of the mini tantrum that ensued when I told him he couldn’t wear it to school. The bra fascination will be a nice addition to his obsession for my high heels and for wearing his best friend Sydney’s tights.
Now that he is becoming a little boy I’m more aware than ever that there is no man in this house. There are certainly things he’s missing out on… like being carried around on Daddy’s shoulders, trying on Daddy’s shoes or wearing Daddy’s watch.
But that’s fine. Really. The alternative – actually having Daddy around – is far more frightening than his absence.
Yesterday while on a conference call at work – the job that keeps a roof over Benjamin’s head, food in his belly, clothes on his back and will one day pay for his education… the job I can not lose – I got a voicemail from his father.
“I’m not bringing him back,” his voice sounded odd, not threatening but completely heavy and off kilter. [click to continue…]
by mssinglemama on September 17, 2008
You’re not going to believe this…
When my ex picked Benjamin up this morning, I told him again how attached Benjamin has been to him lately, asking about him all of the time. I do this because I want him to know how much he is needed and loved. For some reason, I think it helps… and then I said, “If you move to Chicago it would be really, really hard on him.”
“I’m not moving,” he said, “I never said I was moving. I was just asking you what you thought about that.”
Sigh.
And that, my dear readers, was my marriage in a nutshell. He would say something, change his mind and then tell me I had misunderstood him. I would sit there for days, like I am now, scratching my head, bewildered and feeling guilty for overreacting. The victim of some kind of twisted mind trick – or am I the victim of my own mind?
Perhaps, one could argue, I should know him better by now. And, for now at least, it looks like Daddy isn’t going anywhere…
For the first piece to this puzzle, read “When is Daddy Going to Bail?”
And I’m in a man-hating mood today (can you blame me?) and just found this book, “Are Men Necessary,” by Maureen Dowd. I love her writing and may have to check it out. Or at least put it on my night stand for a while – may make me feel better. It’s only $6.99 on Amazon. Has anyone read it?
If you’re bored check this out: an old post I wrote on a fantastic article about men and identifying their types:
P.S. My online dating how to for the single parent is on it’s way… on hold because it’s going to be quite a piece. Hopefully a guiding light to navigate this crazy online dating mess.
by mssinglemama on September 10, 2008
It’s only a matter of time…
(Part 2 of my single mom fairy tale and my date last night will have to wait. You’ll understand why I hope, that I can’t think about anything else right now because tonight Benjamin’s father told me he is going to move away.)
There is something I know with every inch of my body, in my gut, in my heart and in my mind. I know that one day my ex-husband will leave… he will disappear from Benjamin’s life. I’ve known it since the day I left him and the weeks that followed without a phone call checking on Benjamin or a visit. My heart broke into a million pieces over and over and over again when his father just wasn’t there – ever.
And then he started showing up – for his two days each week with Benjamin – like clock work. But still, no phone calls during the week to check up on him, no visits outside of his 36 hours. Nothing.
My ex-husband is from Canada. We got married so he could get his Green Card (I know I shouldn’t disclose this, but I don’t give a damn because the INS can kick him out of the country for all I care). But they won’t. We were in love. We had a child. It was legit.
So the question hanging in my mind has always been, when is he going to bail? I know when the day comes it will be sudden. Maybe a phone call, “I’m coming by to see Benjamin today because I’m leaving tomorrow.” Something to that effect.
Tonight when I got home from work his father told me, “I think I will be moving to Chicago.”
Just like that. [click to continue…]
