Single Mom | Single Mom Blog | Ms. Single Mama » custody

Overdue

mssinglemama — Sun, 15 Nov 2009 22:24:38 +0000

This weekend – the first of Benjamin’s “every other” weekends with his father – John Bear and I had two nights and one full day of long overdue us time.

We haven’t had a weekend solo since our trip to the Poconos and New York City in August… and given all of the stress I’ve been under lately with the new job, the family drama, Benjamin’s new school and life in general I wasn’t sure if I’d be able to mellow out enough to just enjoy him.

But I did. And we did – enjoy each other. Immensely. For 36 hours.

Being with my boyfriend, not as a mother and a girlfriend but just as a girlfriend, is hard to describe – but it’s one of those things any mother can appreciate, tapping into your inner-girlfriend. It’s essential to our survival.

I haven’t had time to label them yet, but check out my Fall 2009 Photo Album for a ton of new pictures from this weekend. Start here with this photo, to see the most recent. [We were in Cleveland - John Bear's hometown and my new favorite spot on Earth - love that city. If you live there let me know.]

The Trip Story: Part 3

mssinglemama — Sun, 23 Aug 2009 15:22:54 +0000

John Bear jumped out of bed at 7:00 am to feed Fiesta Dave’s meter.

We’d parked in a haze of exhaustion. After spending the entire day in New York City we hit a monstrous traffic jam on the way into Philadelphia. Between reading our iPhone maps and asking cab drivers which turn to take next we couldn’t help but notice the city surrounding us. Smartly dressed couples walked slowly down the sidewalks but it was the magnificent buildings, many of which bore witness to the birth of our nation, that commanded our attention. Our heads zig zagged from the left and to the right, taking it all in and feeling immediately humbled.

“Now this is my kind of city,” I had said as we pulled into our fortunate meter directly in front of the hotel. Minutes later we were fast asleep, barely able to roll over and kiss each other good night. In the morning I felt like someone had hit me square in the head with a sledge hammer. I knew this kind of headache. A smoker’s headache. It must have been the New York City smog or something. Or maybe the stale air in the hotel room. I wasn’t sure but I did know one thing – I needed caffeine, immediately.

“Can you grab me some coffee while you’re out there?” I mumbled to John Bear as he ran out the door.

“Yeah, no problem.”

That’s the thing about John – he’ll do just about anything for me at any time of day or night without complaint. Because of this fact, I reserve the asking only for special occasions. This was definitely one of them.

“We should get going,” he said when he came back in, the door slapping loudly behind him and the hot coffee in his hands.

“Why the rush?”

“You should see it out there. It’s awesome.”

And in less than 20 minutes later I was able to completely agree with him.

We found Philadelphia much slower paced, more our style and could have stayed all day but we had to get back on the road. My ex had called earlier to tell me Benjamin was really “missing Mommy.”

Just minutes after leaving the city I called my little brother, Eliot, to check in on his wedding. Just a few days away now, he was telling me about something pretty important when I hit a gargantuan pothole on the Pennsylvania Turnpike’s Toll Plaza. It wasn’t even a pothole, more like a chasm or a crater. I screamed and my brother heard it all go down.

“What the F*&% was that?”

“I don’t know,” snapped John, “Just get back over into the other lane.”

“Oh my God, that couldn’t have been good.” I said into the phone.

“Hello?”

“Oh, sorry El. Listen, I gotta go. We’ll talk later.”

One hour later after John had been driving for a bit I took over again. But before we even got out of the parking lot I pulled over.

“There’s something wrong with the car,” I said. “It feels totally weird.”

I jumped out to check the tires and found the right front tire completely flat. After a few calls to Ford Fiesta Movement Mission Control they decided to put us up in a Bed & Breakfast in the nearest town while we waited for a new tire to be shipped over. My model of the Fiesta takes custom summer tires, not stocked readily at every Ford Dealership in the country — so, we were stuck, indefinitely, until the tire arrived.

The Fiesta had landed in Bedford, Pennsylvania – the home to George Washington’s headquarters during the Whiskey Rebellion but the place is best known for its healing springs. We made our way up into the Bed and Breakfast, Oralee’s Golden Eagle Inn. John knocked on the door, once, twice and then three times. A few slow country minutes later, Oralee herself greeted us at the door.

And led us up through the upstairs screened in porch

to our room

As soon as we dropped our bags John Bear cued up a scene from Groundhog Day on his computer and started laughing.

“Stop it, at least we have the Internet,” I said, “Besides you don’t have to be at work until Friday.”

“Yeah, but this place gives me the creeps.”

“It’s not creepy, it’s just old and it’s so romantic,” then I think I pummeled him with a kiss because he didn’t complain about our extra night of vacation again. And when Oralee whipped us up a breakfast fit for a King, I think John Bear came around to the charm of the Golden Eagle Inn.

Turns out the Mission Control people are just as awesome as their car because the tire arrived at Bedford’s Ford Dealership soon after our breakfast. The Bedford Ford guys there were so excited to see the Fiesta they had to test it out. Brian jumped in first.

But can you blame him? Really? Have you seen this car?

I forget sometimes how lucky I am to be driving one.

After whizzing by Cumberland, Maryland we zipped down to West Virginia and then up into Athens, Ohio where we found my little Benjamin. When his father handed him over to me he was barely even using words, just mumbling and crying out for me. My heart sank into my feet as the guilt fell over me. Once a year I leave him with his father for longer than his standard 36 hour visit and every time I do, I regret it terribly. His hair was a mess, his hands and face were covered in dirt. Back on the road again and on our way to a restaurant, I looked at John Bear as this boy in the back seat growled and hissed at me, literally, and then said through tears, “Where is he? Where is my Benjamin?” I wish I was making this up.

His father loves him and Benjamin loves his father, but Jesus, when will he learn how to care for his son properly? When the food came Benjamin devoured every bite, actually filling both of his little fists and stuffing them both into his mouth simultaneously. His father is unemployed again, I haven’t had a penny of child support in two months now and I wonder out loud if he has money for groceries.

I continue in my thoughts, some in my head and some out loud. Maybe I’m just the mess and I’m being overly paranoid. Maybe Benjamin had been playing outside in the dirt and had also skipped his lunch. And maybe he was just acting like this because he was copying the actions of his six-year-old semi step-brother. Suddenly I remember John is bearing witness to this entire mess, my mess. The one I bear responsibility for every day of my life – wearing it proudly but also wondering, often, if I even know what I am doing.

Typically I would rather hide than allow someone else to see my scars so wide out in the open like this but unlike any other man I’ve been with, John has never once asked me, “Why were you with that guy? Why did you marry him?” He doesn’t live in the past or hold mine against me in any way, and for that I will always love him.

We arrived in Columbus as the sun set over the skyline. John Bear snapped this blurry picture

and then we were home, but not for long.

After only one full day back we were off again… this time to Athens and my brother’s wedding. Little did we know the snafu of all snafus was waiting for us, and that John and I would finally reach our breaking points.

Get a sneak peek with pictures in the wedding photo album. I haven’t labeled the photos on purpose.

Catch up:

Father Figure

mssinglemama — Thu, 09 Apr 2009 01:22:49 +0000

Maybe I gave up.

Maybe I just didn’t want to hear another “I can’t” or “I’ll try” – each one cutting a bit deeper than the last.

But somewhere along the way I just stopped.

I stopped asking my ex-husband to spend more time – time outside of his 36 hours a week – with our son.

So I’m not sure why, when Benjamin refused to let go of his father this afternoon, I said, “he needs you now, more than ever – maybe you should spend more time with him.”

And then, the reply came that I’ve been wanting to hear for three years, “Yeah, maybe I should keep him two nights a week. I’m working the night shift now on Thursday so I could keep him Wednesday night and bring him to day care on Thursday morning.”

“But if you do that,” I said, “if you commit to spending more time with him you have to be around. You can’t be moving, to Chicago or anywhere.”

“You say that,” he said, “But I think you’ll be the one who moves.”

He had a point.

We’re both transient spirits and even though I have no intention of moving right now, there’s no predicting what the future holds for either of us.

Who am I after all of these years of daydreaming for him to take Benjamin more often to deny them that time together? He may not be the most supportive ex-husband financially or emotionally but he does love his son – immensely – and he’s always loved him as best as he knows how.

“I’ll think about it, okay. I’ll let you know.”

So I’m thinking about it.

Thinking about what it would be like to have an ex who steps up more often and wondering if he was really serious. I’m also, of course, hoping some of you will make sense of this for me.

Can men, as fathers, change? Could it just be a lot easier for my ex because Benjamin is a boy now, not a toddler or a baby?

For more posts on my ex and my take on our relationship as co-parents read on:

The Dirty Laundry.

mssinglemama — Thu, 23 Oct 2008 12:05:37 +0000

He shows up every Tuesday morning to pick up Benjamin.

I gave up asking him about the massive credit card debt of his I had to assume or asking him to help out with Benjamin’s medical bills long ago. Instead I just brief him on Benjamin’s little happenings of the week – he doesn’t know because he never calls. Then I leave for work… a few hours later they take off for my ex’s town, my hometown, about an hour and a half from here. Less than 24 hours later, when I’m at work on Wednesday he brings him back and they spend the afternoon here in my (Benjamin and I’s) house.

Every Wednesday night I take stock of the damage.

Kitchen. Trashed. Living room. Even worse. I don’t even walk up to Benjamin’s room, I always save this for later so as not to send my body and mind into complete convulsions. But it’s just as bad. I’m not completely innocent here – much of the mess in my place is definitely mine. But every Wednesday night instead of coming home to a few dishes put away or maybe a swept floor, I come home with my mess on top of his.

There’s something you should know about me… I’m not a paranoid person. I don’t care that he’s here. I have nothing to hide. In fact, I like it, because I know my son is safe and sound in his home where he belongs. I don’t even mind that my ex helps himself to my coffee and my food.

But today I found evidence that he’s been doing his laundry here… he’s also been using the diapers I buy for Benjamin. Every little bit adds up and I’m not rolling in money. His child support his four percent of my income, it’s enough to cover Benjamin’s health insurance every month and a few groceries.

He can’t give me more because he his broke. But he could at least help me out.

So why am I sitting here feeling bad for this man because he can’t afford to do his own laundry or buy his own groceries? And why is part of me still so petrified of what will happen if I do say something? A fight. A blow out. In front of Benjamin. Something he never has to witness.

And people wonder why I’m so scared of falling in love again. My heart blinded my mind so severely in the past… and I’m still picking up the mess.

On a related note: Will you ever get married again? Take my latest poll.

More posts about my ex:

When is Daddy Going to Bail?
The Man in the Kitchen

P.S.

I’m sorry if yesterday’s post pissed some of you off… I can see why it makes me appear a tad arrogant (I wrote it with a few beers in my system). But I do think single moms are awesome and that I won’t ever apologize for…

Single Mom S.O.S.: Can she take the kids overseas?

mssinglemama — Tue, 17 Jun 2008 22:11:20 +0000

Occasionally urgent questions land in my Inbox from single moms or married women desperate for help and answers. They are so urgent in nature I call them Single Mom S.O.S’s.

This one is the most urgent of all.

Belle is European and has no family here in the United States.

Her husband, who has abused her physically in the past is refusing to leave their apartment. She has no where to go, no where to stay and wants to know what will happen if she takes her children back to her home city in Europe.

I am being very vague here to protect her anonymity.

I have advised her via e-mail to stay put, to stay calm and to pretend like nothing is wrong. I have also told her that if he lays another hand on she or the children that she must immediately call the police or find a local domestic violence shelter. She’s reading this post, hoping for some advice, encouragement or answers.

What is the safest way to leave your husband when he has violent tendencies?

Can you leave the country with the kids? Could her Ex accuse her of kidnapping?

Previous Single Mom S.O.S. posts:

Her Ex wants full-custody

Explaining the break-up to the kids

Should I leave my husband?

His father wants to take him…I’m freaking out.

mssinglemama — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 17:18:08 +0000

When I told my now ex-husband I was leaving him the first thing he argued about was the laptop computer. Then the video camera. Anything of monetary value. But, not once, not once did he fight for our son. I wanted him to. It got to the point that his complete apathy to the issue was actually a little shocking. Why wasn’t he worried about not seeing Benjamin? It’s been two years. Since then he has come only during his 36 hours of visitation. No more, no less. And he has always come to us – staying in our house. Because his living pattern since I left him has been as follows:

Our old apartment (evicted)

His new apartment (evicted)

His boss’ basement

His girlfriend’s place (with her 5 year old son, yes she’s a single mom)

Now that he’s been with his girlfriend for a while he has as he says, “a new family” and wants Benjamin to be a part of it. So…for the first time he want to take Benjamin during his 36 hours. Up until now he’s always stayed with us because of his scattered living pattern.

Here’s the thing – the reason why I’m totally freaked out about this. And, believe me, I always try not to be judgmental. But … here are the stats on his girlfriend.

She’s an ex-stripper.

She works at Taco Bell.

She lives in a trailer.

Her parents live behind the trailer.

Her brother lives behind theirs.

Before my Ex told her not to she used to smoke with her son in her lap!

Okay…am I crazy to want to at least see the place? Am I crazy to be freaking out about this? I haven’t spent 36 hours away from Benjamin since he was born. Not once. I don’t want to be away from him.

I know this will be great for him and for his father – for them to get some quality time together, but why does it have to be in a place I’ve never seen? I’ve asked the Ex if I can see the house – he says no. But…we’ve been talking about it and trying to work out a compromise. I just know that when he takes Benjamin there he’s going to miss me and miss being home.

I’m crossing my fingers that this won’t become a regular weekly thing. That he will just take him every once in a while. And perhaps the biggest concern is that his car is completely unreliable. It’s an $800 Chevy that’s already broken down several times.

Oh – and along with the news that the Ex has decided to take Benjamin on his days- he also told me he’s filed for bankruptcy and is therefore excused of all of the credit card debt he owes me. Wonderful.

Sorry this is a quick entry (again) I have been super, super busy. Expect many updates this weekend.

No related posts.