The days when bad hair days don’t matter – at all

are the best days of our lives.

It means we’re too young to care, we are who we are and only that, at peace with ourselves and blissfully unaware of what lies beyond the comfort of mommy’s warm kitchen.

But just because we’re adults doesn’t mean we can’t get in on the bliss free, care free fun.

Do yourself a favor. Have some fun this weekend. For a moment (or even a long few).

Forget about the dishes.

Forget about the laundry.

Forget about the bills.

Forget about the fact that there is no man in your house (this one especially).

Then let your hair down, take a second to give it a good manic shake and chase the kids around like a crazed yelling lunatic. Arms flailing, shouts bursting and feet scampering.

Just let it all out.

I know you can do it.

We give so much to our children, it’s okay to borrow a few moments of their energy in exchange.

Immerse yourselves in their little world before it disappears.

—— Click read more for my first Zen Contest! —-

In the meantime, if you have time, just leave a comment and you’ll be entered to win a $25.00 gift certificate from the nice people at Eco Store USA.

Their plant based house cleaning products work just as well (I think better) than the leading chemical laden brands… and they’re safer to use – especially with little kids around. They sent me their Citrus Spray Cleanser, the Cream Cleanser and the dish soap last week and it’s out of this world awesome.

I can’t tell you how freeing it is to clean Benjamin’s sippy cup and not have to worry about the chemicals the soap leaves behind. Or how nice it is to have a fresh smelling kitchen, not one that reeks of bleach or whatever else.

Lovely, this stuff, I tell you. Absolutely lovely.

If you don’t believe me start stalking me and you’ll see me dancing in my kitchen with that spray bottle squirting just about everything in sight.

Look here’s proof – I used the Cream Cleanser on my sink… just look at that sparkle.

I wish you could smell it. That’s the best part. And see my reflection in the water purifier? Now that’s clean. I usually don’t go on and on about products nice brand people send me but I really, truly love this stuff.

Just leave a comment to let me know you want the gift certificate and I’ll announce the winner next Friday.

I’m thinking I’ll do a little Zen contest every week. What do you guys think? Yay? Nay?

Related posts:

1. Single Mom Friday Zen, II
2. Single Mom Friday Zen
3. Single Mama Beauty Tip #3: Facial in a box

Cabin Man and I have been texting and e-mailing daily.

Talking on the phone is tough because during my available times, at night, he’s in a low cell service.

It’s frustrating to say the least. And he wanted to make a trip here during the work week but it just can’t fly. He has a job and on top of that – no car. But on the weekends, when I can visit him, he has his kids.

That leaves us ZERO options to see each other. Last weekend’s date was a fluke. He didn’t have the kids because it was his ex-wife’s birthday and she kept them.

He is all for a camping trip and introducing me to his children but, in the two years since his separation, I would be the first woman they meet. His theory is to introduce each other as friends, to not make a big deal out of it and to keep our hands off of each other.

In his eyes the positives of our kids having fun together and seeing happy parents far outweighs any negatives. But he admits this is new territory for him and completely respects my decision not to bring the kids into the mix.

Bottom line:

This is not going to be a long term relationship, from what I can sense, so I am just going to have to throw in the towel pre-maturely. Why? Because there won’t be a chance to see him again – EVER – if I can’t bring Benjamin.

The questions:

What if, in trying to spare Benjamin from future psychological problems, I miss out on a potentially rewarding and fulfilling relationship (even a temporary one) that makes both of us happy? Or at the very least, an awesome camping trip?

My belief:

The child of a single parent does not have a “typical” family life and ultimately sees his parents with different people. This does not mean they will all be screwed up for the rest of their lives.

I believe it depends on how the parent handles these relationships and communicates their beginning or end to the children. I do not believe single parents should relationship hop, bringing men or women in and out of their lives, and involve their children in the drama surrounding these relationships. For example, I dated Kris on and off for nearly one year but he rarely saw Benjamin and we never even thought about moving in together. When it ended Benjamin was fine. I carefully phased Kris out, cutting his visits from once or twice a week to once or twice every two weeks and so on.

I also believe that single parents who deny themselves the right to date may harbor resentment toward their situation and may be denying themselves the freedom to date without guilt, which in turn can affect the kids negatively.

I know you are all divided on this.

And I hate to beat a dead horse, but I think this one is still kicking. And I’m assuming this is not a new issue for any single dating parent or one that any of us can truly understand or hold authority on because every situation is different.

All of your comments to Cabin Fever, Part 3 are unique and each with a different perspective. Here’s a recap.

“No Way!”

Amy Nathan said, “Leave all the kids out of it, please. Bringing them into it under the pretense of ‘it’s neutral’ or ‘they will have fun’ is bull, in my opinion. For the two of you, you deserve it to be all about you if this is something good.” Single dad, Jonathan of the Resolve note agrees with Amy, although he wasn’t quite as blunt. Kit Kat 4 Real would wait until the relationship has been tested, “Are you there? Is it serious enough to introduce the kids?”

“Bring friends.”

Single Parent Dad and Leslie think I should invite other friends on the camping trip to gloss it over and Ian adds, “While it is vital to protect your children, and you can’t, or shouldn’t, introduce people willy-nilly into their lives. You can’t stop living yours, and surely you can find a way to take this further.”

This is a fantastic idea but I don’t have a huge group of friends to invite. They’re all busy and I’m not sure if I want to bring people just to bring people. And then there’s a mess of you who are just telling me to do it.

“Do it!”

Laura and April think I should follow my gut… and Laura said, “I would do it! Really I would go on the camping trip! You would have seperate tents etc – so really WHAT is the harm?”

She has a point. Benjamin meets new people A LOT. Including new male friends and new female friends. I can see what the long-term damage would be if I saw Cabin Man every single weekend. But the warm weather is quickly fading and camping would be fricking awesome. And we’d be in a new place – not in our own home.

Amy in Sedona said, “I’ve been reading your posts since the end of June when I became a single mama and all I can tell you is go out there and have fun! Don’t worry about the rules, you need to take control of your life and do it for yourself! I’m sure Benjamin will have a blast too!”

And now here I am digesting all of this advice…

and have found that it’s clouding my gut. My gut says, “You know your son and you know yourself and this wouldn’t harm him in any way.” But my head says, “You shouldn’t do this because the rules say you can’t.”

For those who think a night of camping with a new person would be absolutely selfish and catastrophic I ask – what are your personal experiences? Does one bad experience in introducing a man to your children mean you should isolate yourself from others forever?

What about other single parent friends who come and go? Do you keep them away as well?

Do you feel like, in the name of protecting your children, you may actually be hurting them by denying yourself your own happiness?

And I want to hear from more of you lurkers like Amy in Sedona. Sign in anonymously if you want…

UPDATE: Read about how my trip to visit Cabin Man ended up. Was Benjamin permanently scarred?

Related posts:

1. A car full of single parents.
2. iHeart Single Parents on Fox!
3. The Single Mom Dating Conundrum.

Some things never change …

My basement had a minor flood (not complaining because my little brother lives in Iowa City and has been sandbagging for weeks). Anyhow – while sorting through boxes of wet stuff I found my old journal and stumbled across this entry.

I was leaving Texas after six months there as a single 23-year-old and a morning radio co-host. Needless to say – the cowboys were plentiful and so were the lessons learned. I wrote them down, but didn’t follow them.

September 16, 2003

Lessons I learned here in Texas:

1. Don’t sleep with men – it messes with their heads. They’re better as friends.

2. Don’t date four men at once. You forget who’s who.

3. Hang out with everyone but do NOT trust everyone.

4. Don’t drink too much around co-workers – unless – no, just never. Because most of them are sober.

But sometimes not following the rules leads to little miracles, like meeting a French-Canadian, marrying him and then creating the cutest little boy on Earth who happens to be the best thing that ever happened to me.

[Photo Credit: Yummy Cowboys]

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1. The Blogger Gods…

Occasionally urgent questions land in my Inbox from single moms or married women desperate for help and answers. They are so urgent in nature I call them Single Mom S.O.S’s.

This one is the most urgent of all.

Belle is European and has no family here in the United States.

Her husband, who has abused her physically in the past is refusing to leave their apartment. She has no where to go, no where to stay and wants to know what will happen if she takes her children back to her home city in Europe.

I am being very vague here to protect her anonymity.

I have advised her via e-mail to stay put, to stay calm and to pretend like nothing is wrong. I have also told her that if he lays another hand on she or the children that she must immediately call the police or find a local domestic violence shelter. She’s reading this post, hoping for some advice, encouragement or answers.

What is the safest way to leave your husband when he has violent tendencies?

Can you leave the country with the kids? Could her Ex accuse her of kidnapping?

Previous Single Mom S.O.S. posts:

Her Ex wants full-custody

Explaining the break-up to the kids

Should I leave my husband?

Related posts:

1. Will our kids be worse off?
2. Single Mom S.O.S. – Explaining a Break Up
3. Single Mom S.O.S.: Her ex wants full custody!

This weekend I was busying myself in the kitchen when I heard a harmonic melody pouring down the stairs. I shot up to Benjamin’s room like a bolt – just to catch it – and there he was, sitting cross legged jamming on his harmonica.

Tonight I put him in front of the iMac. Enjoy! I’m SO PROUD!

Related posts:

1. A few things to get off my chest…
2. Kill your TV!

How in the hell is cleaning out a little tiny plastic toilet easier than changing a diaper? Please, please experienced mommies enlighten me. How do you get the little toilet bowl clean? Do I have to scoop it out with a paper towel? Sigh.

And Benjamin just took his first pee pee in the potty!!! Standing up, of course because he’s 100% boy.

*UPDATE* I FOUND A BABY URINAL!!! No, I’m not shitting you.

Apparently I am the owner of an old-school potty chair. Tonight after Benjamin’s first little go my best friend’s daughter was over and promptly told me that Benjamin’s potty wasn’t nearly as cool as hers. “His doesn’t flush or anything?” she said. Oh yeah. I hadn’t installed the flushy noise thing yet. (Man job = postponed until last possible minute).

So, she uses it anyway. And then … I get a good healthy run at dumping the little bowl in my toilet. No way. No way. Wasn’t cool. And I love that little girl like she’s my own. I can’t imagine two more years of dumping out this little cup.

I call my mom, or Yoda. She raised six. (I’m in the middle).

“Are you kidding? What kid wants to go on a fake potty? Why should he? He knows its not real. Forget it, just get a stool.”

No plastic potty? Really? Mom is nuts. I’m going to keep the plastic potty around. In the meantime though I’ve been shopping for a cooler one … look what I found!!!

A toddler urinal. Yes, a toddler urinal.

And an Elmo potty! Yeah right.

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With single parenthood on the rise, many single moms and dads are shacking up – with each other. Once I dated a single father who lived with two other single fathers. His house had a climbing wall from the kitchen to an upstairs playroom. The kids had each other and so did the fathers.

My single mama best friend, Abby, also just split her rent in half by taking in a  roommate – another single mom. They found each other through Craiglist and in addition to being a great roommate, Cindy has also offered to baby sit and will undoubtedly help Abby out around the house.

Personally, I’m lucky enough to be in an okay situation financially. It’s not great but I don’t feel the pressing need for a roommate. If I found the right mom though – it would be a very, very tempting scenario.

And check this out – Co-Abode.com, an entire web site devoted to matching up single moms. The moms here report happier, healthier lives thanks to their roommates and the kids – well, they just love having another little one around. Here’s a testimonial from one of the women featured in the picture above:

“Our kids get along great. Emotionally its been great to have someone thats going through the same experience that you are. CoAbode has definitely changed my life for the better. My new roommate and I sit up at night after the kids fall asleep and laugh and joke about some of the trials and tribulations we go through, and dont feel so alone.”

What do you think? Have you ever considered getting a roommate?

Related posts:

1. E-harmony Dating Review: for the single parent or any other dater
2. Single Mom S.O.S. – Explaining a Break Up
3. I LOVE being a single mom.

This is dedicated to every parent who hasn’t slept through the night for months and months. Until 10 days ago my 2 year old has been waking up nearly every night. I have had few all-nighters streaks but… on average he’s up at least once, maybe twice or three times a night.

Maybe I’m an idiot and every other mother knows this – but just in case I’m not -here’s how I got my toddler to sleep through the night.

I folded a nice, heavy quilt four times and laid it over the mattress, sheet and all. I put the soft, smooth side up. It gives him an extra three-four inches of coziness. So … he’s been sleeping, essentially, on a nice comfortable futon.

He’s been sleep straight through the night ever since. It’s a miracle. But…now that I know he’s going to sleep straight through I’ve been staying up later, having fun and hanging out with visiting friends and family. Hence this incredibly quick and poorly written entry.

***The pic is of my son, Benjamin and my fellow single mama’s son, Spencer.

Related posts:

1. He’s back.

When I told my now ex-husband I was leaving him the first thing he argued about was the laptop computer. Then the video camera. Anything of monetary value. But, not once, not once did he fight for our son. I wanted him to. It got to the point that his complete apathy to the issue was actually a little shocking. Why wasn’t he worried about not seeing Benjamin? It’s been two years. Since then he has come only during his 36 hours of visitation. No more, no less. And he has always come to us – staying in our house. Because his living pattern since I left him has been as follows:

Our old apartment (evicted)

His new apartment (evicted)

His boss’ basement

His girlfriend’s place (with her 5 year old son, yes she’s a single mom)

Now that he’s been with his girlfriend for a while he has as he says, “a new family” and wants Benjamin to be a part of it. So…for the first time he want to take Benjamin during his 36 hours. Up until now he’s always stayed with us because of his scattered living pattern.

Here’s the thing – the reason why I’m totally freaked out about this. And, believe me, I always try not to be judgmental. But … here are the stats on his girlfriend.

She’s an ex-stripper.

She works at Taco Bell.

She lives in a trailer.

Her parents live behind the trailer.

Her brother lives behind theirs.

Before my Ex told her not to she used to smoke with her son in her lap!

Okay…am I crazy to want to at least see the place? Am I crazy to be freaking out about this? I haven’t spent 36 hours away from Benjamin since he was born. Not once. I don’t want to be away from him.

I know this will be great for him and for his father – for them to get some quality time together, but why does it have to be in a place I’ve never seen? I’ve asked the Ex if I can see the house – he says no. But…we’ve been talking about it and trying to work out a compromise. I just know that when he takes Benjamin there he’s going to miss me and miss being home.

I’m crossing my fingers that this won’t become a regular weekly thing. That he will just take him every once in a while. And perhaps the biggest concern is that his car is completely unreliable. It’s an $800 Chevy that’s already broken down several times.

Oh – and along with the news that the Ex has decided to take Benjamin on his days- he also told me he’s filed for bankruptcy and is therefore excused of all of the credit card debt he owes me. Wonderful.

Sorry this is a quick entry (again) I have been super, super busy. Expect many updates this weekend.

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It’s less than one month away from Christmas. I have yet to buy a single present. I don’t know how I’m going to manage to afford them, let alone have the time to actually shop for them.

I was giving Benjamin his bath tonight and started humming a Christmas carol. I can never remember the words to songs, I have always just been a hummer. So, I’m humming along, he’s smiling – beaming actually – he loves music. And then I stop. It hits me like a ton of bricks. It’s all on me. Not just the house, the groceries, the daily cleaning (which I hate), the dressing, the cooking…but also, the teaching, the knowledge, the culture, the little things.

With one parent missing in action it means I will have to fill in all of the gaps. It just makes sense – having two parents in the house naturally means the child will have more interaction, more conversations, hear more conversations and in general, learn a lot more about the world – right? Oh man. This is going to get even harder isn’t it?

That’s how I’m feeling today. Very overwhelmed. Every once in a while it catches up to me. After night after night, day after day or the same routine. Here’s my Monday-Friday routine if anyone is curious:

6:30-7:00 – wake up, depending on when Benjamin wakes up.

7:00-7:30 – breakfast, breakfast clean up

7:30-8:00 – get everyone dressed, pack up and head out

8:00-8:30 – drop Benjamin off at day care, drive to work.

8:30-5:00 – work

5:00-5:30 – pick Benjamin up from day care

5:30-6:30 – dinner and play time

6:30-7:00 – bath and pajama time

7:00-7:45 – bedtime

7:45-9:00 – clean the kitchen, laundry, take my shower

9:00 – 10:00 – me time

On top of it all – Benjamin’s father hasn’t shown up now in six weeks. Six weeks. He called and left a message this weekend saying he was trying to save up money for a new car, but that it could be a while. He was returning my call when he left that message. He never calls me to see how Benjamin is doing – not once actually in the past six weeks.

I am completely alone. Some single moms have parents nearby or other helpful relatives. I have no one. And now his father is even completely out of the picture. Sorry I’m feeling a bit down tonight. Ups, downs and the spins – it happens.

I heard a contest on a radio show the other day… a quiz question, “what do mothers daydream about the most?” I listened as the moms called in, “a maid,” said one, “sleep,” said another. I had to jump out of the car and didn’t hear the official answer. But it got me thinking – what do I daydream about the most? A vacation, definitely up there. But on the top of the list – finding a partner…someone who loves Benjamin and I more than anything in the world. A maid would be nice too. Come to think of it, a maid/nanny might do the trick. I do have a spare room. Hmmmm….I wonder if she could sing some Christmas carols.

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