Single Mom | Single Mom Blog | Ms. Single Mama » Breaking up

The best rebound I’ve ever had.

mssinglemama — Sat, 19 Feb 2011 14:14:47 +0000

I have found myself – in the past two months - back to 100% single motherhood.

In addition to the absence of John Bear, Benjamin is no longer spending one weekend a month at his father’s. I can’t get into details but can say that the decision (mine) was definitely as a last resort and only after four years of giving my ex-husband every grace possible. He is invited to come up and see him here, but no more overnights there.

Needless to say, the adjustment has not been easy. But we are plugging through.

Benjamin is adjusting beautifully but not without his emotional ups and downs. Me? A bit slower to the punch, of course. Being an adult and all, with my baggage and my mental road blocks and having to parent alone again and do everything else alone again. Well, you can imagine…

The worst of all “alones” – being suddenly alone again every night after Benjamin went to bed has been tough. Just a few of the reasons we set out weeks ago to find a new dog. Enter Mr. Archer, the most well-behaved dog I have ever encountered.

And as Benjamin says he’s “so lovable.”

He is.

Just look at him.

I am absolutely in love with him. And only one week in, all three of us are so incredibly attached to each other–it’s hard to imagine our family without him. Maybe I’m self-medicating our family with a dog, but I don’t care.

This is far better than rebounding with a man, or drugs, or cigarettes.

Many of you have been asking about where Archer came from. Last weekend, Benjamin and I drove up to Chicago to visit Terri and Larry. I was hunting in Ulta for a new perfume and a shampoo that wouldn’t weigh my hair down when a volunteer from the local shelter walked in with a puppy in her arms. They were next door at PetSmart for an adoption day.

I ran up to her, so excited, because Benjamin and I had been looking in Columbus shelters for weeks. But we couldn’t find our dog. One shelter also denied our application because I technically didn’t own Murphy and couldn’t show evidence of being a “good” pet owner with vet records. That hurt, believe me. Nothing like someone telling you when you are raising a human being that you can’t raise a dog. Not that dogs and kids are the same, but come on. Really?

The volunteers in Illinois passed our application in a heart beat and were so excited that Archer, who had been in the shelter for an entire month, would be going “home”. They said his old owner turned him in when the landlord wouldn’t let Archer stay. It’s heart breaking because Archer is so incredibly sweet and well-behaved. You can tell that someone put a tremendous amount of love into this dog.

He’s so well trained, in fact, that I am hiring a dog trainer this weekend to come in and train Benjamin and I. My fear is that we will un-train Archer. If that’s even possible.

But so far, so good. And Archer, who comes to work with me every day – joining Ellie as the second Cement Marketing dog – has died and gone to Heaven.

The Rebound Year

The End.

mssinglemama — Fri, 12 Dec 2008 03:12:26 +0000

He made a promise.

And he broke it.

I had asked him to make me a promise at the beginning, one well within reason if you knew his entire story. I am not one to ask much of men when we’re together. I believe in personal freedoms and independence. But this was a promise that, when broken, risked our future together – literally.

“If you do it,” I said, “I’ll never see you again. That will be that.”

“Really?” He asked, “Are you serious?”

“Absolutely. You’re not just dating me, you’re dating my son and nothing – nothing - is more important to me than him.”

“I won’t then. I would never risk anything that could keep us apart.”

I believed him. I really, truly did. Not for a second did I think he would risk it all. He was the one who seemed to be completely head over heels. That’s the one thing about this that has me shaking my head in utter confusion and realizing that Mr. Man has a problem… one I can’t fix.

When he told me the next morning – of the broken promise, the breach of trust, the throwing away of everything we had – my hands started shaking. I thought I would drop the phone. Not again. Not him. Not this one. But just like that, a man had broken my heart.

“I can’t believe you did that. Why?” I ask him, my voice cracking into a million pieces.

“I don’t know.”

Should there be room for error? Should I look past this issue of Mr. Man’s, this one thing?

Not when there is a little soul at stake… and yes, I should have figured that out before he met my son. But there are pieces to the puzzle, reasons for things that I just can’t share. So you’ll have to trust me.

I wish I could tell you more – I do – because you deserve to know every detail. But I just can’t.

I believe any one of you would have made the same decision. Having the strength to make the call – to listen to your gut – is the easy part. Living with the fact that yet another man has let you down is not as easy.

But now, just a few days later, I’m feeling fine. Really. And also a tad hopeful. There are a few reasons:

I kept my head on straight, I never really lost control and let my emotions override my sensibilities and responsibilities to my son.
I felt something – something incredible. I also trusted again. He broke that trust, yes… but that was not because of me, it was because of something stronger than me and even stronger than Mr. Man.
I am more worried about Mr. Man right now than my own hurt feelings. But I know he’ll figure this out. If losing me is the reason – well, then – so be it.
The reason (wish again that I could tell you) is as clear as day.
And the fact that I’m not a crying, sobbing, mess of a woman right now tells me I must be doing something right. Maybe I’m an adult now? Not sure if that makes any sense at all but as a recovering bad boy or man addict that’s a huge feat.

As single moms, we don’t have the misfortune luxury of dating men who can’t quite keep their shit together – 100% of the time. Not when losing it (even for a moment) may risk your child’s heart or health.

And that’s that.

Case closed. The end. Good bye Mr. Man.

For the reason why Mr. Man and I broke up purchase a copy of Ms. Single Mama Uncensored: Dating Sex and Love – now only $8.95. Click here to get your copy.

If you missed the beginning of the Mr. Man story click here for my archives.

[Photo: Morgan Siler Photography; read her blog here]

A kink in the plans…

How to get over a break up.

mssinglemama — Fri, 22 Aug 2008 14:01:50 +0000

Jane Wonder, the author of Confessions of a One Date Wonder (a personal favorite of mine) isn’t a single mom but she is a dating expert. I love her blog because she’s brutally honest about her emotions including the ups and downs of falling in love and breaking up. She’s also hilarious and writes about EVERYTHING. Here’s her take on how best to recover from a break up.

Dead Men Walking

By Jane Wonder

Unfortunately when it comes to breaking up, there is no magic bullet.

No one sure fire way to erase the pain and move on. No path to avoid longing, or pain, or heart break. And no way to erase memories. It’s going to hurt. And anyone who tells you otherwise is a filthy liar. The only thing you can do is to develop a way to survive through the time it will take for your heart to mend again. And that’s what I’ve been invited here to talk about with you today. Because, of course, I have an opinion on this.

My breakup philosophy is pure and simple like the freshly fallen snow, and it is called Dead To Me (DTM). DTM is a straightforward philosophy both simple in name and premise. Practice is deceptively difficult. In short, your new ex is now dead to you. No longer exists. *poof*

First you must explain DTM to all of your friends. Surely they have all been there, all love you, and all believe that ex was never good enough for you anyway. They will help to distract you, keep from talking endlessly about him, and definitely keep you from contacting him.

Regarding contact, here is the thing: Your ex is dead (to you).

We do not call the dead on the telephone. We do not send the dead emails. We do not text the dead when we are drunk. The dead are beyond these means of communication. So when fully practicing DTM, all of these are automatically prohibited. As part of the DTM philosophy all of those means of contact must be erased. (Ladies seriously, in your cell phones? This includes saved voicemails, your contact list, text message history, and your recent and missed calls. I know all your tricks. Stop holding on over there.) Please also add any other means of online, telephone, cell phone, or other communication you can think of. Simple so far, right?

Unfortunately, sometimes the dead refuse to stay that way.

These zombies of exes will pop up. They will want to just say hi, or be friends, or possibly have a booty call. Now listen carefully… have you ever seen those old horror flicks? The black and white ones, with the zombies? Seriously, would you go to bed with that? Hell no! Those are to be attacked with axes or burning stakes or something. Not welcomed back into your cell phone, or your MySpace, or your bed. Zombie sex…. just ick. Plus I’m sure that kissing a zombie results in you becoming undead yourself. And really, who wants that? Remember, if your pesky ex reappears, he is a zombie and is to be ignored.

On a more serious note, the last step is unfortunately the hardest.

Even if you manage to stop contacting him and even if you manage not to let him wheedle his way back in, the part that no one can really help you with is making your heart forget. The purpose of DTM is to give you the room to let go. It is easy to imagine maybe things weren’t that bad and to get caught up in missing him. But for the most part, whatever did you in the first time will do you in again. That is usually the way way of things. So it is best to hold on to DTM instead of holding on to him. Hold on to your friends, not your zombie.

I will not lie… it won’t be easy. But eventually, you will heal.

If you liked this post you might like one I wrote a while ago on the Fine Art of Dumping, on how most of us choose to break up with our significant others – a true test, in my opinion, of a person’s true character.

Single Mom S.O.S.: Play-Doh & Toddler-Goo

mssinglemama — Mon, 21 Jul 2008 02:41:52 +0000

Okay, this one is for me. Three questions mixed with some babbling.

1. How do you clean up Play-Doh?

2. What are some good Play-Doh games or activities?

(We had a Play-Doh cook off, but tomorrow he’ll want a new game.)

3. How do you keep them contained in one area?

(Not necessarily the kids but the Play-Doh and the Play-Doh containers, or both. I’m not quite sure.)

He wanders around the house with bits and pieces of Play-Doh. But I don’t want to hide the Play-Doh when he’s got it out, on the kitchen table. Today he played with it for at least an hour and a half. I had time to make the most disgusting peanut butter cookies you’ve ever had. (And yes, I was stupid enough to trust this website for a recipe and a bad enough cook to fall for it). Benjamin ate one anyway. But he’s 2.4, he doesn’t know what a peanut butter cookie should taste like.

So, here’s my S.O.S. I want to make the most of Benjamin and I’s Play-Doh experiences. What Play-Doh games and activities should we play? And how in the hell do you clean up Play-Doh and all other toddler-goo? Like chunky dried banana bits, cookie and marker streaks, applesauce on the couch … now I’m getting a head ache. And I have to go clean.

Thanks in advance.

[Photo: Play-Doh cooking lesson + the polka dot table]

Read the rest of the Single Mom S.O.S. entries here.

My S.O.S. is clearly the only light one so far … but hey, someone had to do it.

P.S. Must Love Kids ROCKED. I’ll just going to wait until this Tuesday night to write about it because I’m already a week behind.

The Best Break-up Song Ever

mssinglemama — Tue, 06 May 2008 13:18:33 +0000

Been thinking of Kris lately. I’ve had a few weak moments pop up over the past few days. I try to squelch them… try not to wonder why. Songs like this help. And plus, Bob Dylan is beautiful.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=GtkVGClqrT4

What are your favorite break up songs? Songs that take you back but still push you forward?

P.S. I’m fine really, actually in very high spirits! Just have my moments…

A bittersweet good-bye.

mssinglemama — Mon, 04 Feb 2008 16:03:37 +0000

A few hours after writing my last post…I got a call from Kris. He felt horrible about the way the dump went down and wanted to see me. I said – no way. I didn’t see the point. What good could come of it? Was he going to come over and dump me again? He told me to call him if I changed my mind and then 20 minutes later he called me.

“I’m on my way over – I have to see you.” Two minutes later there was a knock on my door. It was late. I was tired. But we talked. First he started with an apology and then he said it, “you know I really love you, right?” I told him I didn’t think he really knew what love was. But then I saw it in his eyes. And he does. Then as we talked about why he had come to this decision everything came out. The truth about his feelings.

He had been having doubts since Thanksgiving on whether or not he was ready for this – ready to play a role in a child’s life. In his own words, “I don’t feel like I have the right to be doing this yet.” And the biggest reason of all – the pressure of having a relationship during a time in his life when he really should be focusing on school and work.

We hugged and kissed good-bye. Both of us sobbing into each other…the tears because we would miss each other’s friendships. This is why I always liked Kris – he was real, honest and actually very mature. More emotionally mature in fact, than many of the older men I’ve dated. And then he left.

In the end it was as it should be – a proper good bye with all of the best intentions. Neither one of us regrets being with each other…and as for little Benjamin I don’t think he’ll notice Kris’ absence. He had been coming over less and less and at the peak saw Benjamin two-three mornings a week. And the mornings were brief, less than an hour a piece because we were rushing off to daycare and work.

But because Benjamin is just one month shy of two now – Kris will be the last one of my boyfriends to get major face time with him before I know it’s really serious.

As for me…I feel absolutely fine. It’s a bit scary actually. Why don’t I feel anything? HaveI built my walls so high and so thick that I can resist all pain? I think it’s because I am not scared of being single. I’m more scared of being in a relationship, or god forbid – a marriage. I also know it had to end because we had no viable future together. So it really is bittersweet – but it doesn’t sting.

I doubt you’ll see me seriously dating anyone again anytime soon…but there will be some casual dates I’m sure. Like I’ve said since I met Kris – I enjoy being single – love it, actually. I was with him because it was effortless. No pain, no stress. We just fit. Even our break up was relatively painless. That’s just the way I like it – if it’s not easy and if they’re not adding to my life somehow – forget about it.

Tonight…Benjamin is at his father’s and I’m going out for a very exciting girls night!!!! Delcina, Abby and I – all single – and all looking…I’ll keep you posted.

(photo credit: http://www.kunsthandel-stock.net/)

The Fine Art of Dumping.

mssinglemama — Mon, 21 Jan 2008 03:25:58 +0000

I’ve had a rough day.

I didn’t get dumped but my best girl friend did. And she’s a single mom. Needless to say I want to kill the guy (not really FBI guys, but I do want to punch him in the face).

Instead of ranting about what a jerk her now ex-boyfriend is I’ve decided to channel my negative energy into a cynical but hopefully interesting post.

I have a theory – how we break up with someone is a true reflection of our character.

Here are some of the most common ways to break up with someone (in my dating experience) – guess which one the guy used on my single mom friend?

The cold snub.

Usually follows a short fling, maybe a two – four week long relationship. The dumper ceases all contact with the dumpee. Contact may be blatantly ceased via text or e-mail. Cold, cruel and unfair – this dumping tactic is used only by cowards. Everyone, no matter what they’ve done, deserves a reason.

It’s not you it’s me.

An oldie but goodie. The “it’s not you, it’s me” card is an old faithful for many of us.

Sabatoge.

Used more often by women, sabotage dumping involves unconcious efforts to piss your man off which result in him growing more and more annoyed. Finally he is set up with a situation he’s doomed to fail and then woman uses that as the reason for the dump.

The mutual dump.

The best of the best, a mutual break up often involves sweet and passionate farewell sex followed by kind words, a big hug and a short good bye. Ideal for any couple.

See ya later.

Used by only the most self-absorbed and heartless of us, the “see ya later” is a quick and abrupt end to what was a long (anywhere from 6 months up) and very serious relationship. The “see ya later” can often be followed by calls from the dumper weeks later begging for forgiveness. Dumpee usually caves, forgives dumper and is subsequently dumped again months later. Could go on and on from both sides until relationship self-destructs.

I still love you, but…

The worst one of all. Uhhh…yeah, but if you still loved me than why are you dumping me. Yeah right. Liar, liar pants on fire – you don’t really know what love is – poor you.

I just don’t love you anymore.

At least you’re honest.

If you have any to add…please, by all means – speak up and leave a comment!

And guys – if you were dating a single mom would you dump her differently than you would a single, childless woman? In my experience and my friend’s experiences men surprisingly don’t always take our vulnerability into account. And guys – for tips on how you should treat a single mom – read up, here.

(photo source)

Online Dating Etiquette: How to break up…virtually.

mssinglemama — Fri, 26 Oct 2007 14:14:31 +0000

The adventure continues.

My single mama friend has already been on date #1 from Yahoo Personals. The man in question had so many things in common with her. They both love reading, writing, the same bar scene, etc. She followed my advice, met for coffee, and had a wonderful time. But there was no spark. Alas, just like old-fashioned blind dates the odds of catching a spark are tough. Her first question – so how do I tell him? The answer:

How to Break Up, Virtually (with an e-mail, of course).

Dear Mr. Online Dater

I had so much fun chatting with you over coffee, but I just didn’t feel that spark I was looking for. You are such an amazing person and I really hope you find your special someone. Thanks again and good luck!

Sincerely, Ms Single Mama