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How to get over a break up.

mssinglemama — Fri, 22 Aug 2008 14:01:50 +0000

Jane Wonder, the author of Confessions of a One Date Wonder (a personal favorite of mine) isn’t a single mom but she is a dating expert. I love her blog because she’s brutally honest about her emotions including the ups and downs of falling in love and breaking up. She’s also hilarious and writes about EVERYTHING. Here’s her take on how best to recover from a break up.

Dead Men Walking

By Jane Wonder

Unfortunately when it comes to breaking up, there is no magic bullet.

No one sure fire way to erase the pain and move on. No path to avoid longing, or pain, or heart break. And no way to erase memories. It’s going to hurt. And anyone who tells you otherwise is a filthy liar. The only thing you can do is to develop a way to survive through the time it will take for your heart to mend again. And that’s what I’ve been invited here to talk about with you today. Because, of course, I have an opinion on this.

My breakup philosophy is pure and simple like the freshly fallen snow, and it is called Dead To Me (DTM). DTM is a straightforward philosophy both simple in name and premise. Practice is deceptively difficult. In short, your new ex is now dead to you. No longer exists. *poof*

First you must explain DTM to all of your friends. Surely they have all been there, all love you, and all believe that ex was never good enough for you anyway. They will help to distract you, keep from talking endlessly about him, and definitely keep you from contacting him.

Regarding contact, here is the thing: Your ex is dead (to you).

We do not call the dead on the telephone. We do not send the dead emails. We do not text the dead when we are drunk. The dead are beyond these means of communication. So when fully practicing DTM, all of these are automatically prohibited. As part of the DTM philosophy all of those means of contact must be erased. (Ladies seriously, in your cell phones? This includes saved voicemails, your contact list, text message history, and your recent and missed calls. I know all your tricks. Stop holding on over there.) Please also add any other means of online, telephone, cell phone, or other communication you can think of. Simple so far, right?

Unfortunately, sometimes the dead refuse to stay that way.

These zombies of exes will pop up. They will want to just say hi, or be friends, or possibly have a booty call. Now listen carefully… have you ever seen those old horror flicks? The black and white ones, with the zombies? Seriously, would you go to bed with that? Hell no! Those are to be attacked with axes or burning stakes or something. Not welcomed back into your cell phone, or your MySpace, or your bed. Zombie sex…. just ick. Plus I’m sure that kissing a zombie results in you becoming undead yourself. And really, who wants that? Remember, if your pesky ex reappears, he is a zombie and is to be ignored.

On a more serious note, the last step is unfortunately the hardest.

Even if you manage to stop contacting him and even if you manage not to let him wheedle his way back in, the part that no one can really help you with is making your heart forget. The purpose of DTM is to give you the room to let go. It is easy to imagine maybe things weren’t that bad and to get caught up in missing him. But for the most part, whatever did you in the first time will do you in again. That is usually the way way of things. So it is best to hold on to DTM instead of holding on to him. Hold on to your friends, not your zombie.

I will not lie… it won’t be easy. But eventually, you will heal.

If you liked this post you might like one I wrote a while ago on the Fine Art of Dumping, on how most of us choose to break up with our significant others – a true test, in my opinion, of a person’s true character.

Single Mom S.O.S. – Explaining a Break Up

mssinglemama — Wed, 23 Jan 2008 02:25:06 +0000

My best friend and fellow single mom, Abby, is still reeling from her break up. And so is her 5 year old daughter, Penny. She’s a beautiful, happy little girl who also fell in love with mommy’s boyfriend. How couldn’t she? He was over at their house at least three to four nights a week. They’d been together for nearly one year and had been talking about moving in together, starting a family – the whole kit and caboodle. And now – poof – he’s gone and Penny is broken hearted. If you’ve never seen a 5 year old with a little broken heart – lucky you – because I saw my first one tonight and it was unbearable.

Abby and I were sipping wine in the kitchen when Penny walked up with tears in her eyes.

“What’s wrong sweetie, are you feeling sick?” Abby asked.

“No, I’m sad…about John. I love him, he’s my friend and I’ll never get to see him again.”

Abby and I looked at each other. The two single moms who always have the answers. And there was nothing. Neither of us knew what to say. What could we say? How can you explain a break up to a 5 year old?

My son is just a few months shy of two. This is something I’ve never faced. I would imagine that for a five year old something like this is extremely heavy and intense. Something that could have a lasting impact. And what Abby is going through right now is without a doubt, my worst fear and is why us single moms can get a little “crazy” when it comes to relationships and dating. This is it. This is what we all want to avoid.

But we also want to meet someone, be with someone and find out if they are a fit for our family. I call it the single mom dating conundrum. How do we do it without hurting our kids? The answers aren’t clear and they never will be, but there must be some child psychology experts out there who would know what we should say. How we should say it.

Abby would have read up had she known John was going to walk in – break up with her and then leave without so much as a good bye to Penny.

So what should she do? Any advice? Please, please pass on some insights if you have them. I tried to do a Google search for “single mom break up how do you tell the kids” and there was nothing useful.

(Photo source – http://www.irishhealth.com)

The Fine Art of Dumping.

mssinglemama — Mon, 21 Jan 2008 03:25:58 +0000

I’ve had a rough day.

I didn’t get dumped but my best girl friend did. And she’s a single mom. Needless to say I want to kill the guy (not really FBI guys, but I do want to punch him in the face).

Instead of ranting about what a jerk her now ex-boyfriend is I’ve decided to channel my negative energy into a cynical but hopefully interesting post.

I have a theory – how we break up with someone is a true reflection of our character.

Here are some of the most common ways to break up with someone (in my dating experience) – guess which one the guy used on my single mom friend?

The cold snub.

Usually follows a short fling, maybe a two – four week long relationship. The dumper ceases all contact with the dumpee. Contact may be blatantly ceased via text or e-mail. Cold, cruel and unfair – this dumping tactic is used only by cowards. Everyone, no matter what they’ve done, deserves a reason.

It’s not you it’s me.

An oldie but goodie. The “it’s not you, it’s me” card is an old faithful for many of us.

Sabatoge.

Used more often by women, sabotage dumping involves unconcious efforts to piss your man off which result in him growing more and more annoyed. Finally he is set up with a situation he’s doomed to fail and then woman uses that as the reason for the dump.

The mutual dump.

The best of the best, a mutual break up often involves sweet and passionate farewell sex followed by kind words, a big hug and a short good bye. Ideal for any couple.

See ya later.

Used by only the most self-absorbed and heartless of us, the “see ya later” is a quick and abrupt end to what was a long (anywhere from 6 months up) and very serious relationship. The “see ya later” can often be followed by calls from the dumper weeks later begging for forgiveness. Dumpee usually caves, forgives dumper and is subsequently dumped again months later. Could go on and on from both sides until relationship self-destructs.

I still love you, but…

The worst one of all. Uhhh…yeah, but if you still loved me than why are you dumping me. Yeah right. Liar, liar pants on fire – you don’t really know what love is – poor you.

I just don’t love you anymore.

At least you’re honest.

If you have any to add…please, by all means – speak up and leave a comment!

And guys – if you were dating a single mom would you dump her differently than you would a single, childless woman? In my experience and my friend’s experiences men surprisingly don’t always take our vulnerability into account. And guys – for tips on how you should treat a single mom – read up, here.

(photo source)