Single Mom | Single Mom Blog | Ms. Single Mama » Being a single mom

Facts and figures.

mssinglemama — Tue, 03 Aug 2010 17:16:18 +0000

A few things you should know.

Fact: Being a mother makes it nearly impossible to conform to the rigidity of today’s corporate culture.

I am buried in work. Buried does not mean drowning, nor does it mean ungrateful – it just means that I am swamped with the extremely fulfilling and exciting business of being in business for yourself. All of it, the stress at the start and lack of a 401K or company health insurance, the risk of not knowing what next year will bring, is well worth the peace of mind I have as a mother. I do have my own health insurance, by the way and the 401K will come in time.

If I need to come in late, I can – no questions asked. If I need to leave early – not a problem. And if I need to take the entire afternoon off because my son needs some Mommy time – done.

I have decided, without a doubt, that our current corporate culture of 9:00 – 5:00 and lunch breaks and no breaks is unsustainable. Technology and two working parents in just about every household, will break down those rigid walls soon enough.

And if you feel guilty about being a working mother? A new study says you can throw that guilt out. Interesting study and interesting that they’re essentially taking back what they’d said in a previous study finding that children of working mothers were challenged developmentally. Would like to know your thoughts.

Fact: Planning a vacation on a shoe string budget sucks.

I don’t care what any of the smiling faces in the magazines suggest, planning a vacation with a tight budget is not fun. John and I are restraining ourselves against any kind of unnecessary big budget items in order to save for the house, the finished basement we want to add and then the (gasp) wedding. So here we are, one week away from a last minute vacation and we have yet to make a decision.

I think we’re going to have a staycation and pitch a tent in the back yard. Either that or spend the days off packing. Packing can be fun and romantic, right? And this is assuming I can actually take two days off.

Fact: Trolls drive me nuts and spanking does not make me an unfit parent.

There is a new Troll in our midst attacking me with errant comments here and there because I admitted to spanking Benjamin. I am not proud of the fact that I’ve had to spank my little guy before but I’m not ashamed or apologetic either. Life happens and parenting is included in that umbrella. The fact that Benjamin has had a few smacks on his cute, padded little butt does not make me unfit to be a parent or to have more children.

And thanks to John Bear’s help I haven’t had to spank him since writing that post. I don’t expect that to change. But to suggest that we shouldn’t have another child. Seriously? Move on and find another blogger to harass.

Figure: The odds of Benjamin being an adrenaline junkie as a grown man are very high.

We took Benjamin to the Ohio State Fair this weekend. And somewhere in the midst of the blazing heat, I managed to capture his reaction to stomach, demon dropping adrenaline and it looked like this.

See any fear in there?

I didn’t think so. That’s my boy. Through and through. Quite frightening to imagine what he’ll be climbing or jumping from when he discovers the rest of the world out there.

Co-Parenting and Mrs. Brady

mssinglemama — Tue, 12 Jan 2010 03:46:32 +0000

John and Benjamin had a bit of a falling out over our Christmas vacation. And if you think a three-year-old and a thirty-year-old can’t be at odds, than I’m about to enlighten you.

In October, I gave John permission to take Benjamin into time outs when he witnessed bad behavior, or when John found himself on the receiving end of the bad behavior. For example, if Benjamin took a swing at John while yelling something like “you butt picker” John had my blessing to take him into his bedroom for a chat and a time out. Then, in November, John took his discipline approach up a notch and started intervening when Benjamin was throwing a fit directed toward me, his one and only precious mama.

Soon our plan back fired and Benjamin started acting out toward John – not only on occasion, but very often. He began saying things to John like “don’t talk to me” and started crying at the idea of John watching him. It wasn’t pretty.

After a particularly bad night over the holidays we all sat down and then I channeled Mrs. Brady and started off our first “family” discussion with, “John can you tell Benjamin why you are upset.”

“Benjamin, tonight when you told me not to talk to you at dinner – you hurt my feelings.”

“Now, it’s your turn Benjamin. What do you say? Can you say I’m sorry?”

“No! Because John Bear hurt my feelings, too.”

“Why Benjamin? How did John Bear hurt your feelings?” I asked.

“Because. He did.”

“Well, John Bear can you say ‘I’m sorry for hurting Benjamin’s feelings?’” John looked at me like I was crazy because technically, he hadn’t hurt Benjamin’s feelings and I was talking like a way too chipper psycho mom. But I kept pushing and after they both apologized to each other everyone went to bed, for better or worse.

The next day John and I re-assessed our discipline strategy.

“It’s just not working, or I’m not ready for you to discipline him, or Benjamin isn’t ready. Whatever the reason – you have to stop now and just enjoy him. Get in with him first. Earn his love and then you’ll have the respect you need to carry out any kind of fatherly discipline.”

John was silent, just listening and taking it all in or, my paranoid relationship saboteur-self thought, deciding he had had enough of me and us.

“You’re not his father yet. You’re still my boyfriend. And we shouldn’t rush this part of the equation. And when you’re over at my place, you can’t pay so much attention to me – you have to be completely focused on Benjamin because in his world, everyone is there to see him, to be with him. He shouldn’t have to fight for attention.”

“Okay,” he said, “I’ll do it. I’ll try my best.”

“And I’m not worried about how you’ll be as a father, John. You are going to be magnificent. It’s just too much for us all to take on. For you, for me and for Benjamin. Let’s just relax. And besides, I have three years of practice on you.”

I must have gone on for 10 minutes straight. Just talking openly and honestly about all of these things and realizing that I wasn’t ready, quite yet, to co-parent.

The next time they hung out John immersed himself in having fun with Benjamin. [Remember the scrambled eggs? Same thing.]

And just like that, some kind of light bulb went off and Benjamin decided he was madly in love with John Bear.

Over the past few weeks John has had very little reason to discipline Benjamin because there hasn’t been a reason. And for me, as a single mom, this kind of scene is the stuff dreams are made of… this is my fairy tale.

And may I always retain my ability to channel Mrs. Brady when necessary.

Everything you’ll ever need…

mssinglemama — Wed, 10 Jun 2009 19:54:32 +0000

to know about being a dating single mom.

A few days ago, I spent hours sorting through my archives to produce a lovely table of contents to this blog. It’s funny to put your own life into categories, but I think you’ll enjoy them.

Like Chapter 11 – “The Ex Files: the Men I’ve Dated Along the Way.”

Funny.

Along the way to what?

To meeting him.

The Bear. My John Bear.

I know it’s early. Only six weeks in. But when someone says, “I’ve been waiting 30 years to meet you,” and then looks into your eyes and tells you how amazing you are and you look right back at him and feel the same way – one can’t help but wonder – could this be it?

Then your knees turn all mushy right along with your heart and your head stays on, in tact and nods, up and down, up and down. Yes. I feel the same way. This is just too weird. Feels like a dream and we’re both in it together.

And stumbling across old, yet very powerful posts like this one now make me thank my lucky stars I didn’t settle, that I listened to that heart all along the way when it shouted, “move on! He’s just not right.”

And I’m so glad I did.

Turns out he was just a few blocks away the entire time.

Now the relationship chapter or this blog will begin. So far though it’s very, very easy. Delightful actually.

And as for that old fear stuff I used to write about. Gone. Seriously. Not an ounce of fear in my heart right now. It’s the oddest thing. It just feels right. Perhaps I was confusing fear with my gut telling me what I didn’t want to hear.

Maybe.

Maybe our fears are the rational side of our single mama brains pointing us in the right direction. Maybe, if based and grounded in realities, our fears are there for a reason.

Maybe we should listen to ourselves in every moment. How could we lead ourselves astray if we constantly do what is right by our family, our children and ourselves? From the groceries we buy to the dates we keep or choose to break… every decision should feel right.

As always, just food for thought my lovelies and as always, I’d love to hear yours.

P.S.

And don’t forget to check out my Ms. Single Mama Table of Contents. Lots of good stuff in there like online dating tips, break up tips, single mom dating advice. Eat your hearts out but you may want to grab a glass of wine first.

Baggage check: I won’t let myself fall in love.

mssinglemama — Sun, 13 Jul 2008 01:45:41 +0000

I left my phone charger in California. And after one day with no interruptions and no friends to run my emotions by … I realized how nice it is to be disconnected. So I didn’t buy a new one. Now it’s been five days of phone free bliss and a lot of time to reflect. In one of my many quiet moments I had an epiphany – I am scared to death of falling in love again.

I have done it before, been completely swept away. At the time it seemed clear. He was the one. We could make it work. Til death do us part. But something had severely clouded my judgment and by the time I realized my mistake – it was too late – we were married.

Now my ex-husband is a walking, talking example of how blinded I can be by love. So, I don’t trust myself. There it is. Simple as that. And it doesn’t help that every Monday I get to see that shining example pull up into my driveway to take our son for 36 hours.

But what if my fear of falling for the wrong guy keeps me from falling for the right guy? When love does show up will I be brave enough to let myself fall? I hope so, for Benjamin’s sake. I would hate for the kid to miss out on having brothers and sisters or a full-time dad because “Mommy has baggage.”

So here’s my baggage dumping plan, effective immediately (because this shit has got to go):

Step 1: Identify Baggage

My ex-husband broke my heart. What if it happens again? Benjamin would be hurt and so would I … I’m protecting myself and Benjamin from my own silly heart that (in the past) has always fallen for the wrong guy. And what about the financial fall out? Divorce sucks. I also fear losing my freedom again to marriage (i.e. prison). Yeah, I know – that’s why they call it baggage. I have issues.

Step 2: Identify Effects of Baggage

I have fallen in love since becoming a single mother, with Kris … in the end neither one of us could take the big plunge into a deeper love. I kept him at a safe distance from my heart, didn’t grow too attached for fear of a painful break … and it worked. When we split it was painless. But we both lost something that had the potentional to be something. Two relationship phobes equals no relationship. But I learned from that experience. I also learned that I can fall in love and keep my head on my shoulders at the same time. So that’s the good news!

Step 3: Eliminate Baggage (the hard part)

I’m taking baby steps. I am. But … it could be a while. And I need to give myself that time. In the meantime I’m looking at each of my experiences with men with open eyes. Striping it down, recognizing when I’m pushing them away and when I’m just listening to obvious red flags. I have also realized that falling in love as a single mother will be different. (That was a huge step). That’s all I’ve got … clearly still working on this part. If you have any advice – please, by all means … help a single mama out.

What’s your baggage? Do you think my baggage is manageable? Any of this sound familiar?

[Photo: San Francisco beach]

Single mom for sale!

mssinglemama — Mon, 30 Jun 2008 23:50:47 +0000

It’s not easy to meet good men, especially for busy single moms.

I barely have time to shower, let alone go man hunting. We can’t go out three nights a week like our childless counter parts and if we do meet a man in the coffee shop, at the park or on a fluke night out we usually have to wait at least one week before we can squeeze in a date.

A single mom, so desperate for a “prince charming” (her words) is actually auctioning herself and her home off on eBay and Craigslist. The price? $500,000. Deven Trabosh, 42, has two daughters ages 14 and 21. After years of being single she’s thrown in the towel and has decided to sell herself, a bonus to buying her house in Florida.

“I’m struggling…I don’t want to lose my house and I want to find somebody. So I came up with this dream plan because I’ve always dreamt about being a fairytale princess,” she says.

I love the internet and everything it brings us … connecting all of us, allowing us to sell just about anything – but selling yourself? Being a single mom isn’t that bad, is it?

eBay forced her to take her ad down but she’s still getting plenty of responses including one from an Italian who is flying in to meet her. Check out the entire story here.

What do you think? Her 21-year-old daughter says she doesn’t mind but the 14-year-old is embarrassed by her mom’s actions. I wish her luck, I really do … if someone wants to find a husband than more power to them – but selling yourself and your family?

P.S. Anyone want to put money on the fact that Devon Trabosh will have a realty TV show soon?

Other posts you might like:

[Photo credit: Associated Press]

Dating Karma

mssinglemama — Sat, 28 Jun 2008 19:48:06 +0000

Dating as a single mom is hard to describe to anyone other than my fellow single parents. Hence this blog and my slew of single mom and dad friends. Without them and without you, I’d be lost.

So here’s another dating tip from me to you … I think if you start practicing this immediately your love life will improve.

But first … some background on how I discovered the power of dating karma – back in my wild single days I wouldn’t think twice about blowing a guy off. Never calling him back or being dishonest with him about my intentions seemed like part of the game. “All is fair in love and war,” I used to say.

I had been hurt and so I would hurt back. It seemed fair. But now I see clearly that I was a coward on many levels. I didn’t have the courage or the maturity to tell men the truth. To this day I regret the pain that my dishonesty must have caused. Because each of those men probably went out and did the same thing to a woman they were dating.

I call it dating karma.

If you are dishonest with someone, cheat on someone or lie to them – pick your poison – it eventually comes full circle.

After my divorce I realized that I had a clean dating slate – a new beginning to set my dating karma right. Every single one of my dates or relationships since has ended with complete honesty. It’s not easy, believe me, there’s nothing harder than looking at someone in the face and saying point blank: I can’t be with you anymore because of [enter reason here].

But finding the courage to tell someone the truth helps them to grow and it helps you grow as you discover what kind of man you really want to be with. And if dating karma is on your side – you’ll have more dates and more calls. It’s a win-win.

I told Julie about my theory…and she shook her head in agreement. When the Architect never called her back she said, “It was that E-Harmony guy! I never called him back!”

Yep. It was that E-Harmony guy. Seriously. Dating karma people – don’t abuse it. Be honest with each other always. Us singles are all in this together – so play nice!

P.S. Should I call the Architect back to keep my dating karma safe? I’ll explain everything as best as I can, “Ummm… hey, buddy you didn’t get the hint but I’m not interested but you’d be a great friend.” Or should I let it ride? Hmmmm…. maybe he deserves a shrug because he never called her back.

What do you think? Should I call him?

Screw you, Disney.

mssinglemama — Sun, 15 Jun 2008 03:21:02 +0000

Benjamin and I went to his best friend’s birthday party today.

After Sydney, who’s just four-years-old, opened her fourth princess doll, her grandmother looked at me and said, “When we were girls, we didn’t have all of this princess stuff. Look it’s every where – this idea that some man is going to come kiss you and everything will be fine! The happy ending! Yeah right. What are you girls going to do?”

What she meant was – how in the hell will we ever be able to get this out of our heads?

Here’s one way to do it. Be a single mom for a day. Or a month, or two years.

You’ll quickly be brushing prince charmings aside for a man who is responsible, kind, compassionate and yes, sexy. And they do exist. They’re real men. But they’re not going to come kiss us and make it all better. We realize this.

Don’t we? I hope you do. That will make it easier … I promise. One foot in front of the other my lovelies.

Back Up Posts

Single Moms and the Men Who Love Us

Want Men to Start Falling From the Sky?

Prince Charming Can Kiss My Ass

The Great Dane

mssinglemama — Tue, 20 May 2008 12:29:13 +0000

He had to knock down my door.

Well, not literally, but thanks to a visit from Thomas, my friend from Denmark, this single mom was “forced” to spend five days straight with a man.

And imagine, being a single man, visiting a long lost friend from college who now has a two year old.

Most men, I’d imagine, might run away screaming. But Thomas, as he put it, realized instantly that with a single mom there are no rules and no superficiality. And he embraced it.

Having a true friend around for five days – someone to grab the stroller out of the trunk, play with Benjamin, make me dinner, bring me chocolates, tell me that I’m an amazing mother and make me laugh – has my head spinning.

It is possible.

Just like with Kris, who quickly adapted to the single mom thing, there are men out there who can and will make your life easier, because they love you both. For a single mom who usually has help in small doses, having five days straight of friendship and support was long over due.

Last night he said, “Thanks for taking care of me.”

“No,” I said, “Thanks for taking care of me.”

Thomas loved it too, more on his experience later. Now it’s off to the airport for a very sad good-bye.

UPDATE: A few weeks later I bought a plane ticket to visit Thomas. Read about it here.

If you liked this post, read this one:

Single Moms and the Men Who Love Us

House hunting and man hunting?

mssinglemama — Wed, 16 Apr 2008 01:39:13 +0000

No deal on the house and Kris and I broke up. What a lovely start to the week!

About the house…

I’m actually a bit relieved because after my mom came to see it she was screaming – “no, not a two bedroom and just wait, watch, it’s going to get worse (the housing market).”

She was right. The next day a three bedroom sold down the street for less than I’d be paying for the two bedroom. So no deal. But you know what? At least now I know I’m ready. So … let the house hunt begin.

About the break up…

I’m not going to get into any details because he reads this blog. And out of respect for him and our relationship I’d rather just leave that for us. I will say this – it had nothing to do with the fact that I’m a single mom. And Kris is an amazing guy (one of the best I’ve ever dated). We are just at completely different points in our lives. He’s 24 and I’m 29. He’s in college, I’m a career maven.

I am going to miss him incredibly. I know it. But this is for the best, for all three of us.

And as for a new man hunt? We shall see. If one falls in my lap I might entertain the idea, but I’m definitely not looking. When I met Kris 6 months ago Benjamin was 18 months old. Now he’s two. So if and when I do meet another guy he will not be meeting my son. Those days are over. And I’ll need time to recoup.

And now an entirely new chapter will begin…

Dating with a toddler.

Single Mom Seeking has a fantastic post about having a sex life with an older child in the house. Click here to read it. How do you do it? I can’t even imagine. Soon Benjamin will be able to open his bedroom door, walk downstairs and…well, you get the idea. My solution: hire a sitter and run over for a quickie at his house? Not really sure how it will work.

I’ll be turning to all of you single mamas and papas who have older kids for advice and trying to offer up my own. Hope you stay tuned because, as always, this should be interesting.

[Photo: Buy this awesome poster here!]

The Ms. Single Mama Video! (Yeah, I’m a dork.)

mssinglemama — Mon, 31 Mar 2008 23:39:23 +0000

Just wanted to say hello in person! : )

I LOVE iMacs. I also feel like a HUGE dork for making this but I really, really want to put a voice/face to everything that I’m writing. So here you go. Be nice. Don’t make fun of me too badly, okay?