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The Single Mom Dating Conundrum.

mssinglemama — Sat, 10 Nov 2007 20:33:14 +0000

It’s been four weeks now.

My new relationship status is beginning to sink in.

I have a boyfriend, and I’m actually enjoying it immensely. Usually at this point fear takes over and I start pushing them away. I slowly eject them from my life, or cut it clean depending on my mood. But this time, I’m not feeling that way. I’m not stressed at all. I’m completely comfortable with him and totally into him. So far, the feeling is mutual.

I had him over for dinner on Thursday night. Benjamin was still awake. Kris has seen Benjamin in the mornings briefly but this would be his first evening with us, usually the highlight of my day because Benjamin is chipper, happy and ready to play.

Kris walks in, gives me a hug and then crouches down on his knees, “And, how are you?” He looks at Benjamin and Benjmain stares back. This is odd, usually he flashes a smile and runs away but he can’t take his eyes off of Kris.

Kris leads him into the living room and opens his toy chest. This is a first. Of all of the men I’ve dated since the divorce not one has genuinely just sat down and played with my kid. This used to surprise me because I thought – “If they’re trying to win me over wouldn’t they want to at least try to play with him?” To their credit, some would try, but it was awkward and forced. “I’ve never been around kids,” they would say. “I don’t know what to do.” Kris has never been around kids either, he’s actually only 23. Five years younger than me.

While I’m in the kitchen cooking dinner, I hear Kris talking to Benjamin, he’s calm, assuring and playful. A few hours later I take Benjamin up for bedtime. I come downstairs and all of his toys are cleaned up. Kris had tidied up my living room. I’m now pinching myself.

Kris is still there in the morning. We all eat pancakes together. There’s lots of laughter, more playing and the entire time Benjamin is following Kris around like a little puppy. I put Benjamin down for his nap and say good bye to Kris, we both have to work.

When Benjamin wakes up four hours later (he has a nasty cold which is why I’m home on a Friday) he searches the house for Kris. He’s going from room to room. As soon as he realizes Kris is gone – he starts crying…hard. My heart breaks. What am I doing? What if this doesn’t work out? Where will we be then? Benjamin is clearly well into toddlerhood (20 months) and now he is very well aware of what’s up.

The single mom dating conundrum:

When a man enters our life we want to see how they would fit into our family, or if they can even handle it. But we can’t do it without introducing them to the kids.

The solution:

When Benjamin was a teeny tiny baby, this wasn’t an issue. So everything I’m about to say clearly depends on the age of the children.

I’m not big on the idea of waiting six months to bring a man into my daily routine. I guess it’s because I’m afraid he would be shocked at the reality of how hard it is to raise a toddler and then split. Then I would have invested six months of my time in a guy who wasn’t really there for the right reasons.

The other problem. I am a working single mother. Not bringing him around Benjamin leaves me only a few hours in the late evening. Period. This can get old and can also hurt a budding relationship.

I have learned from my past mishaps not to raise this issue too early. Why? Because there is no way he or you actually know how long this will last yet, and you shouldn’t presume to know that. Once I actually told a guy I was dating, “the only way I can date you is if there’s potential – potential that one day we might get married.” We had only been dating for a few months. I didn’t even want to marry him. Isn’t that crazy? I just had to rationalize why I was spending time away from my son – to myself. In the end that one just fizzled out but the moral of the story is – it could have been more fun if I would have left my drama in my head. I’m thinking this is probably a good conversation to have 6-8 months in to a relationship. Just a hunch, but to each his own.

My solution: I am going to keep Kris’ encounters with Benjamin to a minimum for the next few months, but he will have a few. Because I also want someone to fall in love with my son, not just me…we are a package deal.

MySpace, Facebook and Dating in a Virtual World.

mssinglemama — Tue, 06 Nov 2007 18:21:09 +0000

***UPDATE***

If you’re here to find out how to change your Facebook or MySpace relationship status, click here .

Once you’re done – come back and read this…

“A relationship isn’t official until it’s on Facebook!” a young co-worker told me this morning. “My friend got engaged and two weeks later the announcement still wasn’t on Facebook. We all thought she had called it off or something.” Virtual social networks have changed the dating landscape… forever.

After my divorce I created a MySpace page. I was an innocent to the social networking world and had no idea how much it would change my dating experiences. My single friend was over the other night venting about a frustrating experience she’s having with an ex boyfriend right now.

“I’m not sure if he’ll call me tonight or not. I left him a comment today asking if he was going out and haven’t heard back.”

MySpace and Facebook have now effectively changed the way we date. Now we can call, text, e-mail or better yet – leave a MySpace comment or give someone a Facebook poke.

Here’s my translation of the MySpace and Facebook Dating Codes.

Add each other as friends. This is really no big deal and doesn’t mean much. But at least now you have unbridled access to their page, photos, blog, etc.
Leave cute, flirty comments on each other’s page. A good sign. He’s writing on your page, you’re writing on his. All is well in the world.
Move each other up to “top friend” status. This is a big step and could indicate a future relationship status change.
Continue with more flirtatious comments like “last night was amazing, you make me crazy.” Getting closer.
Change your relationship status. The biggest step. Now you’re taken. You’re off the virtual market and you’re shouting loud and proud to the rest of the world that you’re happy and committed.

In conversations with my single girlfriends the old burning questions like, “is he a good kisser?,” “does he call often?,” “does he make you laugh?” are still completely relevant but added into the mix are, “did he move you into his top friends?,” “who else is on his page?”

The Virtual Red Flag

Some men are all over your MySpace page while you’re dating…others will be silent, never leaving a comment or moving you into their top friends. Strange. A red flag. A new red flag. The virtual red flag.

The Relationship Status Change: Who brings it up…how does it happen?

A case in point: my current flame took matters into his own hands. Last night when we were falling asleep he said, “I changed my relationship status on Facebook.” What??? Wow!!! I didn’t know what to think. We’ve only been together for 3 weeks and now Facebook says we’re “in a relationship.”

“You want me to be your girlfriend?”

He says, “ya…is that okay?” He’s confused by my reaction. I mean, he’s a guy and he’s completely crazy about me. We’ve been seeing each other steadily for three weeks – why not change his status? Meanwhile my brain is on fire with a mix of happiness and fear. I feel like I’m in the 8th grade and a cute boy has just asked me out.

I can’t change my MySpace relationship status just yet- it’s too early. That page is like my temple of autonomy. I break the news to him, “I’ll change my Facebook account status, but not my MySpace account.” Hmmm….a virtual compromise.

This morning I go onto Facebook. Yep, there he is – “in a relationship.” I go to my profile and click in relationship (there is a special section for this). I change my status . Then Facebook asks me, “who are you in a relationship with?” I pick his name. Then it says, “Kris is now your boyfriend. We will be sending him a confirmation to see if he accepts your relationship request.”

What??? Oh my god…I have a boyfriend and they’re sending him a relationship request? I’m actually embarrassed. I call him immediately, “Facebook has just informed me that you’re my boyfriend, but you have to agree to it.” He laughed. “I’ll accept, I won’t leave you hanging. Later… girlfriend.” I feel like I’m 14 again.

A boy actually asked me out – even though he did it virtually I still think it’s absolutely adorable. I can’t remember the last time I’ve been asked out. Usually it’s me looking at the guy like, “so are you my boyfriend?”

See? This virtual world is good for something.

UPDATE/ Additional notes:

Crazy how MySpace and Facebook have changed the way we date. In just a few seconds you can scope out your ex’s relationship status, flirtatous comments and daily activities. Twitter makes it even worse. Maybe I should go on a delete binge tonight.

How often do you delete your the Ex-Profiles on MySpace? Can you do it? Do you think I can?

Deleting an ex is like permanently severing all ties…but then I think of the ex’s who were my friends – the ones I genuinely want to stay in touch with. And then I think of the sting when I see their “latest activity.”

I vote for delete.

Just when I thought I was safe…

mssinglemama — Mon, 05 Nov 2007 03:09:23 +0000

Six weeks ago I had reached a point of complete contentment with being single.

Over the past year and a half I have been looking, searching for someone. There was a pattern. I liked a guy. We hit it off. I scared him off. My friends told me, “You’re calling him too much.”

“What? I have a child. Do I really have to play these dating games anymore?”

“Great,” I said, “Then I’ll get rid of him quickly. If he doesn’t want a phone call from me, why would I want to be with him?” It was like a reflex, something inside of me trying to protect our little life from being broken.

“There are rules,” my friends would say. Rules? Oh, yeah. Those damn rules. I used to play by the rules. I used to be a dating diva, often dating more than one guy at once. It was my independence that attracted them. But after being married for two years and a mother for nearly two years I have completely lost my edge. It just can’t happen.

I can’t see myself ever returning to those days of care free dating.

So, what’s a single mom to do? Forget about it. And that’s what I did. I decided not to date a guy who makes me feel like I have to play by the rules. No more games. They are either completely into me or they aren’t. And I have to be completely into them because this single thing is actually pretty damn cool.

I was at a coffee shop, enjoying my new found indifference when fate took over.

My phone rang. It was an old friend and she desperately needed a ride out to a bar in the suburbs. A place where I never venture past dark. I hate the suburbs, especially bars in the suburbs.

I can’t say no – she’s desperate.We get there and I find out she’s meeting two completely drunk men in their late 50′s. Not my bag. I head outside for a cigarette.

I’m still enjoying my own company, not striking up conversations with any of the men around me – completely content. And then a guy sits down at my table. He starts up a conversation. I’m witty, I’m funny, I’m happy because I just don’t care. And then his friend walks in, “This is Kris,” he says.

Oh no. Oh God, he’s cute, really cute. He’s wearing a vintage suit, he is tall, thick dark brown hair, big green eyes. I couldn’t have dreamt up a better guy for me – just based on looks. I still didn’t care. But I wanted to find out – is he intelligent, is he funny? I can’t go back inside and talk to the old creepy men.

So I test the waters with some witty comments a guy for me would understand. He sits up in his chair.

“We’ve got a smart one here,” his buddy says to him. He nods. His eyes are light now, his smile is huge and he’s actually excited… so am I. Damn it.

From this point on it’s all over. We were laughing and talking all night. Before I left the bar I got his number, called his phone so he had mine and invited them out for Friday night. When we left, Kris grabbed me in a big hug. A hug that was so incredibly refreshing. He’s young, he’s innocent, he doesn’t have any baggage. He just wants to be with me. There were no rules in that hug.

That night I had a dream – about him.

We were kissing, we were together. What??? I had a dream about a man? This never happens. I was married for two years and had only a few dreams about my own husband. I woke up and decided to text him. That dream was an incredible tease.

“Thanks for the hug.”

He wrote back, “No problem, you’re a sweetie and very hugable. I’ve got class until 8:00 – after that I’ll be feeling like calling you.” He called at 8:15. No stress. Completely adorable and now it’s been three weeks. We talk on the phone at least two times day, we see each other two nights a week. I don’t feel myself losing control because this time around I am gauging this relationship against my content single frame of mind.

Note to self – you can not be happy with someone else, unless you are completely happy with yourself.

Getting there is the tough part.

**UPDATE**

To find out what happened with Kris, click here.

Single Mom Dating Tips, Part 1

mssinglemama — Sat, 03 Nov 2007 16:53:08 +0000

I’ve been out and about in the single mom dating world for over a year now. I’ve had ups, downs and the spins! Here are a few of the tips I feel compelled to pass on.

And make sure you check out Single Mom Dating Tips, Part 2.

Date him – ONLY – if you are truly happier. Remember you and your child/ren can be completely content and happy without a man in your life. If a man wants in – he has to earn it.
Watch for red flags: lack of goals, laziness, fakeness, cockiness, selfishness or the inability to make you laugh. Everyone has their own set of red flags. Listen to yours.
Learn to differentiate between red flags and that nice little “push him away” reflex you’ve developed now that you have a child. Don’t make a big deal out of nothing. Learn to recognize when you are starting to test him. I’ve noticed recently that part of me is wired now to test the men I’m dating. I set them up with baited questions and they either pass or they fail. The test comes in handy but is sometimes unnecessary.
Don’t freak him out. Give him his own space to figure out your reality. Make sure he knows you understand this is a lot for him to take in. If he says, “oh, it’s no big deal, a baby can’t be that bad.” Just count to ten and smile. Let the little things go, the big things will follow in their own time.
He will not instantly understand your life or be able to empathize with your situation. That would be impossible. Be rational about it and watch for signs of him trying to understand. Is he really watching? Is he really listening?
If he’s not calling you frequently or not making future dates – ditch him immediately. You don’t have time for rif raf.
Try to resist putting a time line on anything. For ex: “I’ll give him two more months to change.” Not a good idea. People grow and change on their own terms and on their own time. You don’t know his pace, and he doesn’t know yours. Just watch for little signs of improvement on his goals and your goals as a couple.
Men are the same. We have just changed. Sometimes this one hits me like a slap in the face. They’re still completely able to fall madly in love with you, commit to you or they’re able to hurt you without even knowing it.
It will get easier. I’ve been a single dating mom for 15 months. Each round gets easier. Each one gets better. As long as you’re making improvements on choosing men, that’s progress! And it will get easier to quickly spot the frogs from the princes.
Keep yourself out there. Don’t try once or twice and give up. You are shopping. Don’t tell me you would never go shoe shopping again if you bought a few uncomfortable pairs.

Like I said to the man in my life last night, “Benjamin and I have a pretty good life here and anyone who wants to crash the party has to be up to snuff.” His answer, “I completely understand.” He doesn’t really understand but he is trying. Definitely a good sign.

Good luck single mamas! This stuff isn’t easy.

Want more? Check out Single Mom Dating Tips, Part 2

The best kiss I’ve ever had…

mssinglemama — Thu, 01 Nov 2007 16:15:45 +0000

On Sunday morning I asked Benjamin to kiss me, a request I’ve been making for months now. Usually he looks at me like I’m crazy and goes on his merry way.

This time he pulled his little binkie out of his mouth, leaned in with a pucker and kissed me!!!! I absolutely melted and shrieked with delight. He loved my reaction and is now a kissing fool. I am on cloud nine.

This morning before I left for work he walked up and offered me a kiss. Just for me. The perfect little kiss from the perfect little boy. Like most people have told me, this parenting thing just keeps getting better and better.

How could anyone resist this little face?

»This website has moved to MsSingleMama.com.

Why? Because this single mom outgrew the old space – so get your but over here to see the latest from Ms. Single Mama!

Are all of the good men taken? And if they’re not…what’s wrong with them?

mssinglemama — Fri, 26 Oct 2007 02:14:11 +0000

It’s been over a year and a half now of pure singleness and in that time I’ve been dating.

Trying all of my options, refusing to shut any doors based on age, looks or personality quirks. I’ve dated men of all ages..26, 31, 33, 37, 38 and even 47! I’m 28.

The 47 year old was an incredibly interesting single father but there was no spark.The 37 year old calls himself a monk and can’t actually be with women physically. The 31 year old had an addiction to porn. The 26 year old wouldn’t or couldn’t stop talking about himself. The list goes on and on…

I have found that no matter what the age – they all have issues. But, as they age, these “issues” become even more solidified and the chances of changing or maybe correcting them are slim to none. If they’ ve been single for most of their adult life – what are the odds they’re finally going to take the plunge and “settle down.”It just leads me to wonder if there’s even a chance of finding an attractive, successful, happy, well-rounded man (over 30) who hasn’t been snatched up yet. Or one who actually wants a serious relationship.

If a guy is over 30 and has yet to commit to a woman in his life is there even a chance he would commit to a single mom? I just can’t see it happening. Besides, why would we waste our times with non-commital guys? We can’t. This is my new red flag…men over 30 who have never been married or had kids.

So, with that said – I have two options:

1. Dating divorced men or single dads.

We know they can commit. We can determine rather quickly what happened in their last relationship. Was it a mis-match from the beginning? Did he try everything in his power to keep her? Did she cheat on him or vice versa? He’s already been married, we can see how he handled it. Single fathers would understand the “baby thing” and we would also be able to tell what kind of parent they are – double bonus!

2. Dating younger men.

Ahhh…younger men. I’m talking 23-26. They are young, hopeful, unjaded and have little to no baggage. Sure they use terms you may not understand like, “most def”: translation – most definitely. But they are so refereshing. In just a few years time these younger men are bound to be snatched up and gone – off the market forever. It is so tempting to think that maybe, just maybe you could mold this young man into your perfect husband. They’re also fun, refreshing and so quick to fall in love and give you everything.

Please share your thoughts…your experiences. Beg to differ? Please do so. And if you’re an exception to my red flag let me know.

»This website has moved to MsSingleMama.com.

Why? Because this single mom outgrew the old space – so get your but over here to see the latest from Ms. Single Mama!

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Why men die before women…

mssinglemama — Fri, 19 Oct 2007 14:13:14 +0000

A new study suggests men die before women because they are natural polygamists. Meaning, that during cave man days, polygamy was the norm – not monogamy. All of the competition for women and lots and lots of sex wore those poor guys out and they still die earlier because of it.

Read the article here.

»This website has moved to MsSingleMama.com.

Why? Because this single mom outgrew the old space – so get your but over here to see the latest from Ms. Single Mama!

Online Dating: Rules of Thumb

mssinglemama — Tue, 16 Oct 2007 15:46:25 +0000

My fellow single mama friend just broke up with her boyfriend.

Trying to distract herself from the drama of yet another failed relationship – she jumped online. Online to the land of hope…where single men await by the hundreds in online personals. I talked to her last night as she checked out profile after profile – “Oh, he’s super cute. Oh! Here’s another one! Oh my god, he just chatted me.” This morning, gave her another call, “hello???” She sounds exhausted.

“I’ve been up all night online…20 guys have e-mailed me already!” And many of them sound very promising. Her site of choice – Yahoo Personals. So… we’ll live vicariously through her for a few weeks and I’ll keep you posted. But, if she’s had that many potential matches already – that’s a damn good sign.

Some rules of thumb for online dating.

1. Your gut is far more accurate than an “advanced matching system” ever will be, so choose a site where you can control the searching. Read my review on E-harmony for more details.

2. Always meet for the first time during a lunch break. No alcohol, no hours and hours of misery. If you hit it off – then you can pay for a sitter and devote an entire evening to him.

3. Check for dates on photographs. Men aren’t stupid, they’re actually a bit crafty and may be posting pics from before they started losing their hair or gaining tons of weight. If you only like one picture out of five…go with the other four and spare yourself the embarassment of having to call it off based soley on looks.

»This website has moved to MsSingleMama.com.

Why? Because this single mom outgrew the old space – so get your but over here to see the latest from Ms. Single Mama!

E-harmony Dating Review: for the single parent or any other dater

Oh, those married people…

mssinglemama — Mon, 15 Oct 2007 01:17:17 +0000

»This website has moved to MsSingleMama.com.

My friend Dave popped over this afternoon. We were pondering why we’re both still single at the ripe, yet should be married age of 28. Then I asked the question – “do you know any happily married people? I mean truly happy.” He raised an eyebrow and said, “one.”

I’ve known more than one, actually several, but I have yet to see a couple as in love as my parents were. People used to ask me when I was a kid, “how do your parents do it? They are just so…” I would jump in here, “madly in love!” Yes, my parents were actually addicted to each other, lived for each other and were each other’s light and day. I am using the past tense because my father died of cancer 8 years ago. My mother has never been the same.

I just can’t seem to get myself away from this thought – why are people so afraid to let go, make it work – whatever the cost to their ego or pride – and love each other like my parents did? Why don’t I see happy couples frequently? Maybe they’re all just hiding because they’re so happy. I picture them in hidden mountain bungalows giving each other endless back rubs.

What I need is someone who looks at Benjamin and I like my father looked at my mother and us. He looked at us like we were the most amazing things he’d ever seen – day after day – night after night.

Have you ever seen that kind of love?

My mother and father actually met on a train. He saw her, played a few staring games and then walked right up to her seat.

“Hi,” he said. “Shut up,” she snapped back. Mom was sick of men hitting on her in public. Dad persisted and it only took her a few moments to be swept off of her feet. Here’s a pic of the happy couple after their wedding.

»This website has moved to MsSingleMama.com.

Why? Because this single mom outgrew the old space – so get your but over here to see the latest from Ms. Single Mama!

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Single Mom Night Out

mssinglemama — Fri, 12 Oct 2007 15:26:52 +0000

Monday night is my one free night of the week.

It’s the night Benjamin’s father comes. So, I get to go out and have a worry-free night. This week was Monday night #3 with the new man person in my life. I put on my super-hot outfit, kissed Benjamin good-bye and left. He and his father were jumping up and down in the living room jamming to the Fratellis and all was right in the world. Time for this single mom to have some fun!

My date was interesting, to say the least.

I really like this guy and we have major potential but in the past three weeks I have been over-calling him and freaking out. This is new to me. I never used to be like this. I would play by “the rules” and carry out the proper dating etiquette. But, I head out, determined to have a great date and to try and forget all of the crazy confusion I’ve been feeling.

This desperation I’m feeling comes and goes, but when I have a man in my sights I just freak out – thinking – this could be it. It could all be over. Mr. Prince Charming is finally here. I build them up in my minds, then they come crashing down and – poof – he turns into a frog. That aside…

The night develops and he basically calls me out on my nervousness. I tell him – “Every second I spend with you is time spent away from my son and my friends. I only have one or two nights out a week. So I have to know it’s heading somewhere.”

He looks at me and kisses me.

Tells me I look stunningly beautiful and my knees buckle. I’m lost, gone. So far away from mommy land. We finish up our night of bar hopping and head back to his place. I was so caught up in the moment that I left my purse down in his kitchen and didn’t hear the several missed calls from my ex. Woke up in the morning, had more amazing sex, and then dashed home. My mascara running down my eyes, my outfit still hot but wrinkled and smelling of bar smoke.

“What am I doing?” I ask myself. But, I have to do this. If I don’t do this dating thing and if I don’t have time to spend with someone how will I ever actually end up with someone? So I’m rationalizing, justifying and feeling incredibly guilty the entire way home.

I walk inside and there is my Ex, with some horrible news.

“Benjamin puked twice last night.” What!!!???? He has never puked in his little life and I wasn’t there. But, Benjamin survived the experience and so did his father. I feel like an awful mother though for not being there…but at the same time I feel refreshed and happy because I had such an amazing time last night. I don’t think I’m alone. Feeling torn goes with the territory of singlemomdom…ultimately we will have to test men out in order to find one.

UPDATE

The little fling with this particular man person ended less than one week later. Why? I told him about Benjamin puking and he didn’t even bother to ask how he was feeling. Red flag. Weak in the knees or not, I don’t want a man who doesn’t care or even pretend to care about my son.

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