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How do you work it?

mssinglemama — Sat, 07 Nov 2009 19:35:35 +0000

This is Holly.

We met one month ago when I decided to have my first manicure and pedicure in over three years… maybe four. On one of my afternoon escapades with Benjamin and just after I’d found out about my new job, I noticed a sign outside for her salon for a $20.00 manicure and a $35.00 pedicure. The sign and her low price (manicures are ridiculously expensive in Ohio for some reason) got me I made an appointment for some long overdue Me Time.

So there we were, two single moms, one in the midst of year three and beginning the best relationship she’s ever had and the other just beginning, only a single for five months with two daughters-ages 11 and 5. We spent a good amount of our time that day talking about everything from ex-management to bad boy complexes and facing your fears as a single mom.

Today during my pedicure (oh, so awesome) I pointed to a headline on one of those magazines with a quote from Kate Gosselin, “I never knew how strong I could be,” something to that effect. I read the line to Holly and then she said, “Yeah, but there are a lot of emotions along the way before you get to that point.”

I nodded and neither one of us had to say a word.

The single mama roller coaster. No matter where you are on the ride there will always be a cliff hanger, a sudden drop or maybe even a few jerks but then there is that awesome high you get when you start to free fall. But not once did a negative word escape Holly’s mouth. She is remarkable and like most of us, would rather have it this way – no matter how tough the going gets.

We also talked about work, working our asses off – to make it work. Holly recently went out on her own by opening her own boutique within the salon. I mention it only because I empathize with her bravery.

Which brings me to my question for all of you--how do you make it work? What is your solution? Or are you looking for one?

Do you work from home? Do you work part-time? Do you have a punching bag? Do you have a miracle organization system? I am sure our advice and insights for one another on managing work, life, dating and the kids will be incredible. So spill it in the comment section and feel free to leave a link to your business if you have one. Personally, I try to shop single mama whenever I can.

Everyone who leaves a comment will be entered to win one of five copies of Ms. Single Mama Uncensored: Dating, Sex and Love. (Still only $8.95 a copy btw).

And then I found out her little boutique within the salon is her first stab at starting her own business. Which brings me to something I want to pick your brain about… how do you make it work?

P.S.

If you live in Columbus, find Holly here.

For My Single Mamas (a sexy contest)

mssinglemama — Fri, 21 Aug 2009 14:20:12 +0000

When I started this blog I had one single mom friend, now I feel I have thousands.

I know many of you feel the same way having found my blog. Often many of you send me photos of yourselves and your little ones and my heart melts each time, especially today when I found this picture in my inbox of Robin and her son Reagan.

I wanted to share these words of her story of calling off her wedding to her abusive fiance:

It was the most stressful time of my life to the point where my hair was falling out like a cancer patient, but oddly enough, it was the most joyous phase of rediscovery and empowerment. I called off the wedding, struck out on my own … but then had to move abruptly to another state, leaving behind a life I carefully built as a young professional because my ex- took stalking to a new level of physical threats of violence. In many ways I lost everything — but in so many other ways I gained an entire world of new possibilities.

Robin is now living her dream career as a new media journalist for Zootoo Pet News, featured on the New York Post among others. Click here to see one of her newscasts and take a look at that beautiful necklace she’s wearing.

Robin’s comment reminds me of something I wrote in Ms. Single Mama Uncensored. Here’s an excerpt from the Rapunzel Complex:

I walked through my mother’s garden and let my hands lightly touch the flowers surrounding me, running my fingertips through their soft petals. I wondered if I could ever be so beautiful and innocent again. Benjamin was in his sling, still stirring, but just seconds away from finally falling asleep. A restless newborn, he had yet to sleep for more than six hours straight. His father had occasionally taken him from me in the night, but Benjamin’s screams would only intensify. Minutes later he would be back in my arms, my exasperated husband insisting I take the baby so he could sleep.
Now my husband was gone. And I was free— well, almost. I still had Benjamin strapped to my chest during all of my waking hours outside of work. The pressure was immense and unrelenting, but the peace that came with that extra few feet in my bed, the quiet drama-free nights and being in control of my destiny – no matter how uncertain it seemed – gave me hope that soon Benjamin and I would be back on our feet and stronger than ever.

In honor of all of my beautiful single mamas finding their way or who have already found their way, here’s another contest! Just leave a comment and you’ll be entered to win.

A sexy apron from FlirtyAprons.com!!!

along with a copy of Ms. Single Mama Uncensored: Dating, Sex and Love

And a New Leaf necklace in brass, like the one Robin is wearing in her newscast.

Four runners-up winners will receive a copy of Ms. Single Mama Uncensored: Dating, Sex and Love.

Just leave a comment and you’ll be entered! Deadline on this one is Friday August 28, 2009. While you’re at it leave a comment in my Back to School Contest, that one runs until September 4, 2009.

[P.S. The silver necklaces are almost gone, I have three left in 18" chains and only 12 in the 16" chain. If you would like a longer chain just leave me a note at your purchase. I have plenty left in both lengths in the brass necklaces. The creator of our necklaces is leaving on a wonderful, extended European vacation so I may not be replenishing the stock until next Spring.]

Whispers

mssinglemama — Thu, 30 Jul 2009 03:44:28 +0000

My Secrets are Out…

Ms. Single Mama Uncensored: Dating, Sex and Love is here. But first a few words from my delirious haze. I am hoping they make sense…

Before I started writing this blog the whispers in my head, the words of strength from outside of myself were hard to come by. I only knew one or two fellow single moms and living at my mother’s for one year did a number on my social life. I was alone, utterly alone and it was uncomfortable.

I tried to find inspiration in other single mom books and while they were insightful on many levels, all fell short for me. I craved real, honest advice about dating and love. I didn’t know it then but I would soon fill that void myself and also become a voice for single mothers everywhere by shouting from the my little mountaintop: we are beautiful, we are strong and we are sexy as hell. And while this shit ain’t easy we don’t need a man to rescue us, we need to rescue ourselves.

I am not sure where those words came from. They started, I believe, as whispers in my own head or more like echoes. And then you all showed up. Your words and your thoughts inspired me to keep writing, to keep sharing my stories and your words, in turn, became the whispers in my head.

The most common e-mails I receive are from new single moms who have happened upon my site. Sometimes these e-mails come months after they’ve been here, others come after just a few days but they all say one thing, “You have changed how I see myself, you have helped me to become proud to be a single mother.” And then they always add, “And I’ve been searching through all of your archives, devouring each one and trying to find out more!”

I used to have the time to write each one back with a long, personal e-mail linking to old blog posts I knew would help them but now, there are so many, too many to answer and I hate that. I remember how I felt then, wanting someone to just tell me like it was – to lay it down straight. This eBook is for each and every one of you, for being here for so long and to those of you who are just joining us.

And from now on instead of hours of archive searching, all of my readers will now have my eBook, Ms. Single mama Uncensored: Dating, Sex & Love. New readers will use it catch up on everything they’ve missed. And for my long-time readers… this book, you’ll find, ties everything you read here together. There are so many stories I have kept from you – some because I just hadn’t gotten around to writing them and others because I just wasn’t ready.

But now here they are.

Enjoy.

The stories behind the blog.

Need to catch up on what you’ve missed? Or want to know the secrets and stories behind the blog?

Download your copy of Ms. Single Mama Uncensored: Dating, Sex and Love for $14.95 and find out:

How Ms. Single Mama and her ex-husband met and fell in love
More about the allusive Biker, my first single mom romance
Read the story about my first single mom crush
What really happened with Mr. Man
Why my fling with Cabin Man was so short lived
Details on how to have a happy and healthy sex life as a single mom along with tips on dating including touchy issues like when to tell him about your single mom status and when to introduce him to the kids.

Click here to preview the first 10 pages or skip ahead and just buy the eBook.

Details: Ms. Single Mama Uncensored: Dating, Sex and Love, 120 pages, PDF form. Click the add to cart button to purchase with any major credit card.

Blogger Affiliate Program – make money in your sleep

Become a Ms. Single Mama Uncensored affiliate and you’ll earn 30% back for every copy of the eBook you sell. Simply place banners and code on your website or blog and every time someone clicks that banner and purchases a copy of Ms. Single Mama Uncensored you’ll receive 30% back that’s about $4.95 a copy. It’s SO easy. Click here to set up your affiliate account.

P.S. The reviews are already coming in - the first is from Amanda at Stack of Spines, “The eBook reads like a girlfriend sitting across from you having cocktails and gushing her hopes, dreams, fears, and heartaches.” Read her entire review here.

and if you’re a blogger, make 30% back for every copy you sell! Read about my super exciting affiliate program here.<— Find badges here too!

Special Thanks:

To John. The irony of this book for single mamas is that I’m not sure it would be here without him… he has been working right alongside me either by watching Benjamin, making me dinner or by designing all of the beautiful banners you see on the site. He’s also been putting up with my sleep deprived, cranky self for over one month now, which is no easy feat – believe me. I adore him for that and am proud to say this book has actually brought us even closer together. Reading it for the first time just yesterday, John told me when he was finished, “I can see now how all of these experiences you had needed to happen before we met.”

And the biggest thanks goes to the true hero of every story I write… my Benjamin.

Congratulations to the Winners:

The Ms. Single Mama Uncensored winners are –

Alexis
Rebecca M.
Ashlea
@BobbiJanay
@NancyJane17

[You have all been e-mailed with your special code for your free copy. Congratulations and thanks to everyone who entered!]

A Letter To the “Other Woman”:

mssinglemama — Tue, 23 Dec 2008 20:41:35 +0000

Because it just has to be said.

Last week I broke the news that my best friend Mia’s boyfriend and the father of her child is moving out. Catch up here if you missed it.

Your responses were overwhelming and she read every one of them. Your thoughts, encouragement and advice meant the world to her and your insights were invaluable – so Thank You from Mia and myself.

Three days later she gave me this letter, “Can you publish this? Please – it’s therapeutic for me.”

Editor’s Note: On the non-capitalizing of The Other Woman’s name – “It’s not a typo,” she told me, “I refuse to give her the respect of capitalizing her first name.” Just one day before she wrote the letter Mia found text messages in her ex’s phone to the extent of, “I can’t wait to have you all to myself.” But the worst one for Mia to read, “So soon… so soon.”

Here’s Mia’s letter to the “other” woman..

To molly, The Other Woman,

I remember meeting you last year with my entire family. I am sure you remember meeting me, along with my then 3 year old daughter Sydney. I made small talk with you about college and your plans for the future like one might do with someone younger, more naive about the world. You reminded me of myself at 23. That is how old I was when I met him. And at 24 I was pregnant. Unplanned and scared, I was making decisions that would affect the rest of my life and the life of the baby inside me. So, I know we are not faceless. I wonder if you have blocked us from your memory out of convenience.

One of the things I loved about him was his eagerness to spend the rest of his life with me. He loved the idea of us having children young so that we could have time just the two of us again before we were “old”. I also loved how until recently, he was so affectionate. He always held my hand, or rubbed my back slightly while we walked together. He never let a fight go on more than 10 minutes, I used to get angry because he would want to cuddle and make up before I had even gotten started. I know what it is like to have him look at you the way he probably does. I know what it can make you feel like. But what you don’t understand is that in between all those looks I got was our life. Life was sometimes broke, tired, full of ultrasounds, high fevers, first days of school, new jobs and bad dinners. It was also laughing, loving, and signing around the house. But it was our life. Our family.

He has made a terrible decision to give up on our lives together, the life that I know is worth the effort. I blame him for allowing his emotions to get the best of him. And what he may not understand yet is that life does not deliver you love wrapped up in a nice neat package. Love isn’t a state of being, it changes, and it is sometimes situational at best – but it is marked by commitment and choice. It is a decision that may have to be made again and again, even with the same person.

I blame you as well, molly. I have always said that the other woman shouldn’t matter in situations like this – you are like a tool to get the job done, so to speak. But you see, now that I am living this, feeling this, and having to imagine life after this, you do matter. You have made a choice as well. Your choice was to put your feelings above the good of a family. You have chosen to disregard my life, and even worse – my 4 year old daughter’s. You have chosen a man that is capable of leaving his family without a fight, which I beleive is the most unfathomable of all of your choices. If I weren’t hurting so badly for my baby girl right now I would wish this same fate on you when/if you have a family of your own. But I can’t wish this hurt on anyone- not when I think about all the times my daughter will ask me if daddy is coming home and all the times I will have to say no. Unfortunately for you molly, it is not wishes that make these happen, I believe in karma and I think you should too. We may make choices for ourselves but the universe has a reason for everything, I am a firm believer in that.

Since I have found out about you I have been a shell of myself. Crying and sick. the only other time in my life I have felt this way was was when I first learned I was pregnant. But out of that shell came the one true reason for my life. My Sydney. The reason I breathe. So I can hate you because you mean nothing to me, but I will be forced to keep loving him, at least in some way, because we have Sydney. We made her and without her my life would be incomplete. He and I have a bond that you could not understand. And while I will be reasonable, like I always am, about everything else that he and I have to work out concerning Sydney for the rest of our lives, the one thing I can and will control is you. We may not have been a concern of yours before but I guarantee we will become one. You may never see my child. You may not have a relationship with her of any kind, and you will never have the chance to know her and love her like her father and I do. this is the consequence of you choices. This may not mean anything to you now but believe me, without her- you only have half a man. And the worthy half stays with me.

—UPDATE on Mia—

Mia has good days and bad days, the good will hopefully be outnumbering the bad soon enough. Right now she’s making plans for her future – without him. It won’t be easy. She may have to move and she’s still finding the words and the right moment to tell their daughter.

I just want to say one thing to every woman who has ever been cheated on, especially if you have children — a man who would do such a thing is not a man at all, he is a naive boy. And if he says you threw it all away first and drove him to cheat – he’s making excuses for his inability to communicate, to keep the relationship from crumbling. In short – he is a spineless coward and you are better off without him.

And to the women who touch married men – karma is a bitch, and once a cheater always a cheater.

—-

I’m sorry things have been a bit morose or bitter on my blog over the past few weeks but reality it seems has taken over the holidays. I’m sick, so is Benjamin – still, and it’s Christmas Eve Eve – and all of this is raining down on Mia.

I promise to have a nice chipper Christmas Eve post in the morning.

To catch up on Mia’s Story:

Joining the Club - In which I find out that my best friend is about to become a single mother.
Mia’s Story Part 1
Mia’s Story Part 2

And if you like letters you may also like:

A Letter to My Future Husband, evidence that I am a romantic at heart

Pressing Love Questions

mssinglemama — Sat, 13 Dec 2008 01:54:32 +0000

Too urgent for a video, and I want your input.

Single Parent Dating Question #1

You know her as Tracy or Little Man’s Mom, she writes the blog A Brand New Day. I fell in love with Tracy the moment I discovered her blog because she has this spirit you can feel. Always light, airy and optimistic and she’s been a single mom for years.

If you follow her blog you know she’s found someone – very, very special. For the first time, circumstances surrounding weekend plans mean it’s time for a sleep over. Her son is 9-years-old and as she says, “he knows stuff.”

The Question: “Should he sleep in the guest bedroom or my own? And how do I explain it to him?

My two cents: Honesty, is always the best policy. Kids aren’t stupid and it’s okay for them to see their parents in healthy, adult relationships. But I know nothing of the Land of 9-year-olds. I’m still in Toddlerville where not much explaining is necessary. Mr. Man took off on a space ship by the way – to the moon. It’s a very happy place where Mr. Man still thinks of Benjamin fondly and he loves the story. I’m trying to laugh about it… in reality, Mr. Man is devastated.

Single Parent Dating Question #2

This one comes from a single dad to a 6-year-old girl. A single mom of four has caught his eye at their children’s school and well… read what he had to say (tell me this isn’t completely adorable):

She is always looking at me from across the school yard. When we get close to one another, we make direct eye contact, I mean eye contact, we will stare at each other for one or two seconds directly and say “Hi” or something silly to each other. Other times she is stand-offish, I am thinking she likes me and then she goes into reality mode.
I am not a whimp and I do have a backbone but I am a bit shy. I hold my eye contact with her to let her know I would or I could be there for the long haul if she wanted me. Its when she goes into reality check mode that scares the crap out me. That and rejection.
I am so afraid of asking a girl out. I have been in the Canadian Armed Forces, been overseas as a peace keeper, been in the Rocky mountains hunting Grizzly and yet I can not find the courage to ask a girl that I like out, I do not understand myself. I know I am not a coward or run at the first sign of trouble. Do you know why guys like me are like that? I know I’m not alone.

The Question: How do I make the first move and ask a single mom out? Am I the only man afraid to ask a woman out?

My two cents: Nope, Mr. Single Dad, you are not alone. I have only been asked out by men a handful of times. Ladies, take note, this is why I encourage all of you to ask them out yourselves. So what do you think? Does she like him (I think so)? And how should he break the ice, take it to the next level, and ask her out?

Thanks in advance for your fantastic comments, I know you’ll be able to help.

[Photo: Ingrid Bergman (my favorite) in Kiss of Death - 1947]

Lots of love to go around.

mssinglemama — Fri, 21 Nov 2008 15:06:32 +0000

This past weekend Mr. Man, Benjamin and I took off to visit Morgan (Modern Single Momma) in Kentucky.

A fantastic video of Morgan and her man is on the way, along with another single mom advice video from yours truly. In the meantime, here are some of the photos Morgan took this weekend. I think these pictures are, hands down, the best of Benjamin and I together to date.

To see more of Morgan’s photography go to MorganSilerPhotography.com, to read her blog go here.

More pictures after the “read more”… didn’t want to bog down your internet connections.

And my personal favorite, Morgan’s man tossing Benjamin high in the air… he was magnificent by the way – definitely Ms. Single Mama approved and as many of you know, I am so protective of my single mamas. But this guy, he’s definitely a keeper.

Follow-up reading:

A Single Mom Madly in Love, by Morgan Siler
Who Takes Pictures of You? In which I vent about having no one to take pictures of Ben and I.